


Restorative Magic

by keshyn



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adult Hermione Granger, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Canon-Typical Violence, Complete, Eventual Happy Ending, Explicit Language, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Post-Second War with Voldemort, Romance, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-06-26 03:26:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 109,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15654816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keshyn/pseuds/keshyn
Summary: The first Battle of Hogwarts is over, but the war isn't won. Snape has found a Horcrux and he plans to destroy it, but he finds himself in a web he cannot escape alone. What or who else will he destroy in the process? How much of herself is Hermione willing to sacrifice to comfort him in his time of need? And how can she help if she is afraid to use her magic? SS/HG, HEA, AU in which Dumbledore doesn't get children to fight a war. Adult language, theme & some smut in later chapters.





	1. Formalities

**Author's Note:**

> This is essentially a romance and hurt/comfort story, with a lot of angst, focus on friendship; a little humour and some darkness.
> 
> I'm about ten years late to the party, but this my first ever fanfic so please read and comment; I need attention to live.
> 
> It is complete (at about 110k) and I will tentatively upload each chapter with trembling fingers, so like... please be nice? I will cry. Nah, I'm kidding. If you hate it, please let me know and I will try to arrange the return of your time. No promises.
> 
> CW for non-con mentions. Not graphic, it mostly happens 'off-page', but it is referred to and mentioned. There are also some character deaths. However, HEA is guaranteed because, let's be honest, Deathly Hallows was traumatic.
> 
> ** I don't think I need to state that I do not own these characters since I am not our Lord and Saviour JK Rowling. If I was, I would have a much lovelier house, a much larger ego, and my boy Snape would still be alive because I'm not CRUEL, JOANNE.

**1\. FORMALITIES**

Hermione walked through the hallowed halls of the castle that had once been her sanctuary of seven years. Hogwarts was home from home, even now. Three years had passed since the First Battle of Hogwarts, as it would come to be known, and her return to its fortification meant that the world was beginning to make sense again. The school had been all but destroyed and the professors and students had worked tirelessly to fix what had been broken. It was a shame that no manner of spells could fix a broken spirit.

With time and connection, healing came, but the battle and loss had done irreparable damage. The wizarding world was to carry on as normal, Albus Dumbledore had ordered, as if anything would ever be the same again. Still, they all had to play their part in the act of normality, lest  _He Who Must Not Be Named_  strike again before they were ready to repel him. And they would be ready this time, wouldn't they?

When Albus had suggested that Hermione work underneath Horace Slughorn, Potions Master at Hogwarts, she had thought the idea ludicrous. However, she had been prepping with Slughorn over the summer, and found, much to her delight, that she still had a knack for potions, and she might actually enjoy herself in the position.

Albus had opened the school up to numerous young witches and wizards like Hermione, in order to assist the staff with their work, but also, regretfully, to act as their replacement if indeed such a time came that they were required. As a member of the inner circle of The Order, Hermione knew more than she'd ever bargained for. She had been let in on a secret; knowledge that  _You Know Who_  was far more powerful than any of them had ever anticipated. They had each been assigned their role and Hermione had, in comparison to some, been lucky with her assignment at Hogwarts. Slughorn was a good man for the most part; eager to help her to learn, and someone she was beginning, in spite of herself, to consider a friend.

Even with what you might consider a  _cold war_  going on, Hermione felt safer than she had in a long time. Even though these walls had been brought to the ground, again they stood around her, taller and stronger than before. The strongest part of something is always where it was once broken and has since been repaired. Hermione, therefore, was strongest in her heart, which had broken thrice over during the battle. There is only so much heartache a person can take before your mind starts to compensate, and Hermione feared that she had reached her limits.

There had been so much loss - she had lost many friends and trusted teachers; she had lost her parents, for all intents and purposes. But the hardest loss to bear, it would transpire, was the loss of her relationship with Ron. Not necessarily because she had loved him, and of course she had - desperately - but because in turn, she had lost her best friends and her family. The change to her relationship with the Weasleys, particularly Ginny (and as such, Harry, her new husband) had been a cut deeper than any war wound.

In spite of all that had changed, still Hogwarts was here for her. It was a refuge- still home from home. In fact now, it  _was_  home. She had taken residence in small quarters by the Gryffindor common room. Dumbledore had enchanted the hallway so that it now held rooms for many of the 'underling' staff members, including her unlikely new best friend, Lavender Brown. All in all, the world was righting itself. She and Slughorn had gone through their basic training programme and she was now beginning to perfect her craft.

It was exciting to finally be doing something tangible, after four years of being a part of the 'Order Protection' group founded by Molly Weasley. That had entailed a lot of sitting around, and thinking and plotting and praying that everybody would live to see another sunrise. Her new position, as  _Potions Aide_ , was far more fulfilling. It was, in spite of the dangerous circumstances that surrounded the creation of the position, the most precious thing Hermione had in her life. And it would be all but perfect, if it wasn't for the constant involvement of the surly and irritable Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher - the tormentor of her childhood - Professor Severus Snape.

* * *

"Granger!" he snapped, as she entered the potions classroom "Where have you been? You are five minutes late."

"Three minutes late, Professor" she corrected, and took her seat at the desk nearest Snape, who stood at the front, imposing and terrifying, just as he had all those years ago.

"Irrelevant. You are still tardy and I will not stand for it."

"I have been late  _once_ , in all these weeks. I am not your student any more, Professor, you cannot chastise me for poor time-keeping."

He scoffed.  
"Tell me, Granger... I know you were raised by muggles, but surely it is considered rude, even in their culture, to show up late for a meeting with someone who is  _going out of their way_  to help you with something, only to then disrespect them."

"I suppose so."

"Right, then. Tell me, Miss Granger, what is the single most crucial ingredient of a sleeping draught?"

Hermione's face fell to one of concentration, and then she raised an eyebrow in doubt.  
"Valerian Sprigs?"

"No. There is no  _one_ single ingredient that is more crucial than any other... in  _any_  potion. Each and every component has its place. Each is necessary. If you had perhaps listened the last time we spoke, you would have known that. I am disappointed, but I cannot say... surprised."

"That was a trick question!"

"Indeed. One you should have spotted a mile away."

"You'll be docking ten points from Gryffindor, I suppose?"

"I am growing tired of your cheek, Granger. So if you are quite done?..."

"Not really", she mumbled.

Snape moved towards the cauldron on Slughorn's desk.  
"Come here."

Hermione obeyed without a second of conscious thought. She was twenty two years old, and yet she still, on her most primary level, wanted to please her teacher. At least some things had remained the same after the battle.

"Brew me a sleeping draught", he ordered.

"Okay."

"Here" he said and handed her a hand-written recipe; black spiky ink on torn parchment.

She took it and put it on the desk. It was hardly a recipe, she thought. There was very little instruction, limited timing and measurement information, and most of the listed ingredients had been scribbled through.

"I have redacted some of the information. Consider this a test. Anyone can follow a basic recipe, with the exception of course of the woeful Mister Longbottom... you remember him, I assume?"

"You mean  _Professor_ Longbottom" she corrected.

"Herbology professor or not, to me he will always be the incompetent fool who destroyed many a good cauldron."

"I should be able to brew it, I've made it before" she said reverting the subject to the matter at hand and away from Neville.

He may well not have been the most gifted potioneer, but he was her friend and her loyalty would not waver, even if she happened to agree, in part, with the miserable vampire's sentiments.

"I do not want you to recall it from memory" he said "I want you to brew it as you think it  _should_  be brewed."

"I think it should be brewed as the creator saw fit."

Snape scowled at her.  
"You do not think that you should alter recipes; perhaps improve them?"

"No", she said, definitively. "I would leave the tinkering to those with an authority to do so. I don't think that we should fix what isn't broken..."

"How positively uninspired you are, Miss Granger. Has it not occurred to you that when Slughorn retires and you become Potions Mistress at one of the most well-respected institutions in the wizarding world, that  _you_  will be considered such an authority?"

"I - err... no," Hermione said, and her face fell, "that hadn't occurred to me."

He was right. He was always bloody right.

"It is not enough that you learn  _how_  to brew. You must also know  _why_ you brew" he said, sharply.

"What the hell does  _that_  mean? I assume you are looking for a response more complex than... 'we brew sleeping draught to aid sleep, Sir'."

"Think on it, Granger. I know that somewhere in that empty head of yours there must be two brain cells you can rub together to figure it out."

_'Why' not 'how'?_

Honestly, if she hadn't understood each word she might have thought he was speaking a foreign language. Snape handed her the cauldron, pushed his 'recipe' towards her and gestured to the shelves of potions without a word. He sat on his old chair in front of his old desk, grabbed a book, flipped it open and began to read.

"Professor Snape-" Hermione began.

"In silence, Granger!"

Hermione understood that she was on her own. It wasn't like this with Slughorn. He guided her through each task he set her. He was truly a mentor, and he treated her, for the most part, like his equal. It was so refreshing to learn from him now, as a prospective replacement, because he was interested in her far more than he had when she was a member of the Slug Club. Now he made time for her, alone, and she learned a great deal from him.

She didn't learn  _anything_  when she was with Snape, except how much he resented his involvement in her training. However, he didn't really  _need_ to be involved, did he? He wasn't Potions Master anymore.

Of course, Slughorn was getting old, and he had requested that Severus share some of the workload, but when had Snape ever done anything if it didn't directly benefit him? Perhaps, he didn't so much  _resent_ being a part of her training, as he resented her being offered the post in the first place. He probably thought it was shameful that his old post had been given to a mudblood.

Oh, she knew all too well who he had been - who he was still, albeit now on Dumbledore's orders - a Death Eater.

Lupin had once told her what Snape had thought about Muggleborns. She knew what he had said to Harry's mother when they were still teenagers; Lily, who was supposedly his friend. She knew all about his  _opinion._   _Yes, that was it_ , she thought -  _that is what he truly resents_. The esteemed position of Potions Master, had gone to someone who did not deserve it because they were born with dirty blood.

* * *

 

On the first day of the school year, Hermione settled onto the Support Staff table behind the teachers in the great hall. She sat with Lavender to her left, and Susan Bones to her right. Beside Susan was Katie Bell. Hermione had always felt that she just didn't get on with girls her own age. She certainly hadn't held much esteem for Lavender in their school years. However, circumstances changed, and Hermione found herself at the epicentre of something rather wonderful. Four young women who supported and encouraged one another.

Hermione relished these moments with Lavender, as she always had a tale to tell of her exploits into Hogsmeade or she would join in with Susan and Katie and talk of some new drama that had unfolded in the hospital wing where they were training. This evening, Lavender was talking about the gruesome wound she'd had to dress on Remus Lupin's arm. The Order tried to avoid St. Mungo's as much as they could, in case somebody untoward became suspicious of their exploits, and so the Hogwarts infirmary had become their very own war hospital. Not too much happened, but when it did, the girls needed to be there to learn how to heal for when the time came that much  _would_ happen.

"There was broken glass in it and it oozed with... okay, it's dinner time so I won't go into detail but... oh it was gross, you should have seen it." Lavender said this with a face of fright and disgust, that Hermione recognized as a melodramatic play to improve the quality of the story.

Lavender always knew how to spin a tale, and it had been such fun to listen to them. Hermione glanced over to the teachers table, as Professor Dumbledore got to his feet and took his place at the podium. Hermione gestured over to Albus and Lavender pursed her lips.

"Fine. I'll catch you up later", she said.

Albus Dumbledore commanded the room with an air of authority that he had never once needed to try to achieve. In all her years of schooling, his mere presence at the head of the hall, had served to quiet the children to a low hum and the moment he would open his mouth, the room would drop to absolute silence. It was a gift that someone like Hermione would have killed to have. Nobody took her seriously, any more. She was well-respected for the most part among her old teachers, but The Order members seemed hardly to give her a second look nowadays. That was partly because she had struggled to regain her composure after the battle. She had fallen into what muggles might call depression.

 _Sometimes people just crack_ , that is what she had to tell herself.

Harry and Ron carried on as usual, because that was what Dumbledore required, but Hermione had never truly managed to get back on track. She was still bright and brilliant, she was still brave and loyal, but she wasn't as happy or vibrant; she wasn't quite as passionate or fearless. She was a little lost.

"It's okay that you're lost..." Lavender said later that evening.

Katie Bell sat on Lavender's armchair with her feet propped up on the dresser. The mirror was adorned with those lovely moving photographs. Even eleven years in the magical world hadn't quite adjusted Hermione to how, well,  _magical_ , it all was. There were images of Lavender with her parents, and a couple with her sister. There were more still of Lavender with Dean Thomas, her ex-boyfriend, and truest love. There was one picture, in pride of place at the top of the mirror, Lavender and Parvati ice-skating atop the Great Lake. Hermione knew that Lavender missed her friend terribly, even though she was in the very same building.

Some relationships didn't survive the battle, she reminded herself.

Lavender jumped on the bed next to Hermione and threw her arm around her shoulder.  
"... You've been through a lot. You're doing your best and you're doing  _so_  much better" she said, with a smile so warm that Hermione almost believed her.

"Hermione, none of us are who we used to be" Katie said, dropping her legs and swinging around to face her. "We're all surviving the best way we can. War is bound to change us. Look at Mad-Eye, I'm sure he was a perfectly normal gentleman once upon a time and you know what he's like now."

"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" Susan crowed in her best Moody imitation, as she stepped out of the bathroom. "... Sorry I was eavesdropping."

Susan tugged out a pair of extendable ears tucked in her sleeve, purchased from Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. Although it just belonged to one Weasley now didn't it?

"They're right though, Granger", Susan said. "You had a hard time of it, you didn't cope very well. So what? That's to be expected, but you came out stronger. Look at you now, you've managed to survive Snape for six whole weeks and not a single unforgivable has been uttered."

Hermione laughed. It felt so good to laugh; to be with friends.

"I think he's getting worse", Hermione said drily. "Every time I think that he's going to impart some of his  _optimum wisdom_ , he just starts talking in riddles and expects me to understand what the hell he's chatting about."

"Like what?" Lavender asked.

"He says that I need to understand ' _why_ ' we brew a potion, not just ' _how_ ' we brew a potion... does that make sense to any of you?"

Susan flopped on the bed in a seat drop and then threw her head back onto the downy pillow.  
"Well, that's just nonsense, Granger... I'd bet that he's messing with you" she said.

"Ha! That's about right" Katie said

"Seriously though, are you doing okay?"  
The question came from Lavender.

"He must be hard to work with... are you coping?"

"Yes", Hermione said decidedly, "I can hold my own with Professor Snape."

Lavender gave her the side eye.  
"What was that look?"

"What look?" Hermione asked, innocently.

"That little glint in your eyes just then when you said you could hold your own again him. It almost looked like... Are you warming to him? Hermione Granger! Explain yourself!" she said sternly.

"He's awful, don't get me wrong... but when I stand up to him, it makes me feel almost... powerful, in a way. I spent years trying to please him, but I guess I don't need him to like me anymore. It's as though I'm becoming someone more sure of herself. You know?"

"Definitely", Lavender said and elbowed her playfully. "Before, you would have done anything for his approval. Even though he was demonstrably never going to give it to you. Gods, you really were... and I say this with love and respect now that we are friends... but you were such a brownnoser."

Hermione's giggle transformed to a song of laughter.  
"I was wasn't I?"

"Perhaps a little" Katie said, with a sarcastic grimace.

"I still have that tendency though", Hermione said. "I still want to prove myself to him because he's brilliant, but I'm not afraid to stick up for myself either. I've even called him out on it a couple of times. I know it's not a big deal but..."

"Granger", Susan interjected, "if you ask me that  _is_ a big deal. It's brave. We all know what Snape's like. Plus, it proves that you haven't lost  _all_ of yourself, doesn't it? You are still the person you were, but now you're becoming more assertive and less concerned with the opinions of others.  _This_  Hermione is a girl I can get behind."

"Hear hear!" Lavender said, and summoned four wine-filled goblets from the windowsill. "A toast" she said, as each of the girls grabbed a glass. "To an improved Granger..."

"An improved Granger!" they each sang.

* * *

 

 _One Year Earlier_  
The Burrow

Hermione sat in the dark of Ron's bedroom in The Burrow, as she had most days for the last two months. It was midday, and the sun scorched, but Hermione had spelled the curtains months ago, so that they were like the black-out blinds she'd had at her parents' house. If she could have spelled the sun to disappear, she would have done that too, just so she didn't have to hear the carrying sound of joy coming from outside. Ron, Ginny and Harry were often in the gardens, practicing their quidditch skills. For the boys, it was just an opportunity to keep sharp and enjoy themselves, but for Ginny, who had been selected to play for the Holyhead Harpies Under 21s, it was a training session.

She heard Ron on the stairs - she always knew which Weasley was coming to check on her - and quickly rushed to her feet, pulled the curtains open and allowed a burst of light to shine into the room. She threw herself back on to the bed.

"Hermione, why don't you come and join us? It's a nice day outside, which you would know if you hadn't had the curtains closed all day... you think I haven't noticed?"

"I'm fine."

"You are  _not_  fine", Ron sniped. "You've been up here all morning. You've been up here all bloody week! You really need to sort out your priorities."

Hermione snapped upright.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean" he said, with his back straight and his body tense, "that you're not doing anybody any favours shut up in this room. You're not taking care of yourself. You've not eaten properly for weeks; Mum's going mental. You won't do your magic- that's not like you, Hermione and I can't remember the last time I saw you read a book. You're not exactly helping The Order either. You know we're supposed to-"

"'Carry on as usual'" Hermione drawled "yes, I do remember Ronald. However I'm sorry if I don't want to pretend that everything is as it was."

Ron shifted and perched on the end of the bed where Hermione lay.

"Listen, babe. I know you've been through a lot of shit recently - we all have - but if you keep yourself locked away you're never going to get any better."

"How would you know? You have hardly reacted to any of this. You and Harry and Ginny, you're all happy to act like nothing has happened. Like we haven't lost so much."

"I've lost my brothers!" Ron hissed "... in case you've forgotten."

"Have  _you_ forgotten?"

Ron's eyes flew open and his jaw tightened.

"Oh wow! Do you hear yourself?" he snarled. "You're doing my head in, Hermione. I can't take much more of this. It's time you got your act together. We need Hermione, not whatever ghoul has taken over your body. I miss the girl you were before."

She was not the girl she was before, he was right. She never would be again. It had been two years since the First Battle of Hogwarts had ended. Afterwards, she had tried, as Dumbledore requested, to go back to her usual life. Except that the war wasn't won, so she couldn't go back to her parents who were, regretfully, much safer where they were in Australia. And so she threw herself into her relationship with Ron. She had mothered him, essentially, while the whole family grieved for Fred. Molly had stopped cooking and cleaning, and so it was left to Ginny and Hermione to fill that role. It was unfortunate that Molly had raised such lazy boys, who expected a woman to pick up after them all the time, as she had done throughout their childhood. Ron was impossible for a few weeks, yet Hermione found a sick pleasure in taking care of him. She did always have a soft spot for someone in need. If not Sirius or Hagrid, then the house elves. Her new project was Ron.

She had done everything for him. She kept him fed, watered, clean, dressed and healthy. When he started to perk up, Hermione had been excited to return to a semblance of normality in their relationship. However, by this time, Ron had become entirely reliant on her. He didn't pick up after himself, he didn't help with any of the housework - he was a 1950s husband and she was his doting wife. Except it was the 90s and they weren't even married. At first she expressed her irritation at having to, essentially, care for him like a child, but it would always end in an argument, or in tears -  _his_  usually. He was still fragile. This was no way to begin a relationship - in the bud of grief. Eventually, Hermione had learned to hold her tongue. She did what he needed her to do. She was who he needed her to be. He needed a mother, a friend, a caretaker, a girlfriend, a woman to bear his children, and a whore. She was expected to put meals on his table during the day, and be a passive vessel- a means to his orgasm - at night. The final straw had come one night in early March.

_"Hermione, what's for dinner?" he asked, expectantly.  
_

_He looked at her in the same way he used to look at his mother. She took a deep breath and counted to three silently in her head.  
_

_"I don't know Ronald, why don't you go see what there is? Perhaps you could make us something to eat tonight."  
_

_He shrugged.  
_

_"But I'm useless" he whined. "Whatever you make will be so much better."  
_

_"Perhaps if you learnt to cook?"  
_

_"Do you want toast? Dad's got a muggle toaster around here somewhere. I think all you have to do is put bread in it-"  
_

_"Yes Ronald, thank you for the lesson in how to use the most basic appliance..."_

_Ron rolled his eyes and put his feet up on the coffee table.  
_

_"Basic for you, maybe. By, the way... are you going to be this crabby all the time?"  
_

_"For the next seven months or so, I assume, yes."  
_

_"Brilliant", he said, in that sardonic tone that he had so perfected over the years "just what a grieving man needs... more grief."  
_

_"Oh piss off, Ron, it's been almost two years. I know that's not a long time in the greater scheme of things, but it's long enough that you should be starting to look after yourself - to help run the house. Your Mum and Dad are at Grimmauld Place, and you've seen the place, it's sparkling top to bottom. And Arthur helps to keep it that way, you know?"  
_

_"They use spells, Hermione. Like you should. It's not my fault that you want to do everything the muggle way. It's not my fault that you hardly use your magic anymore. It's like you're turning into a fucking squib."_

_Hermione's face flashed crimson._

_"Excuse me?"_

_"You heard me", he said with a confidence he had real nerve exuding "ever since the battle, you've been running around here like a bloody muggle. It's like you're afraid of magic!"  
_

_"Aren't you? Are you not terrified by what it can do - by what it has cost us?"  
_

_"No!" he yelled "I'm not because I'm not mental!"  
_

_Hermione slammed the mug she was holding onto the table and made for the door.  
_

_"Where the hell are you going?" he called but she did not turn back to answer._

It had been three months since that last altercation. Three months since she had lost the last thing she had held on to. There had been no arguments since. The worst had happened - and time had stopped. Yet the sun kept rising each morning, spitting its light through the window to remind her that the world continued without her. At her absolute bleakest, Hermione had considered ending it all. She wasn't proud of it, but she had lost too much. The last thing to go, she realised, was her sense of self. She had given up too much for this man-child who demanded all of her attention and her affection, without ever giving any in return. She had loved him, unconditionally and still he did not appreciate her. She had broken, she knew it. Ron wasn't wrong, she  _had_  stopped using her magic. Not because she couldn't, although she felt it waning every day, but because, like he'd said, she was frightened by it. Magic had taken her friends and loved ones. It had taken Fred, Sirius and Viktor; it had taken her teachers- Professor Sprout, Madam Hooch and Grubbly-Plank. Magic had taken her parents' memories; it had snatched her family from her. It had taken something from her - something fundamental - something of her soul. It had taken a part of herself that she could not bear to be without. Not only that, but magic had destroyed Hogwarts. Worst of all, magic had made Voldemort.

As she lay on the bed, with Ron at her feet, she came to a conclusion that she had been avoiding drawing for months. She and Ron were over. Their relationship had stagnated. They were hardly friends, let alone lovers. She felt a surge of sadness, yet she did not cry. Her face was all but expressionless as she sat up in the bed and faced Ron.

"This isn't working, is it?" she asked, softly.

"What isn't?"

"Us, Ron. We're not working anymore as a couple."

Ron's eyebrows raised, and his mouth fell open into a disbelieving 'o'.

"I'm sorry, I just don't think we-"

"There is no  _'we'_  Hermione", Ron snapped. "We would be working fine, if  _you_  were working.  _You_  are the one who has stopped putting the effort in. _You_ are the one shut up in this room like a hermit all day, every day. It is  _you_ who is ruining this relationship, Hermione, not me."


	2. Cherries

**2\. CHERRIES**

It was 7:59 and Hermione ran down the staircase to the dungeons. She couldn't be sure why she was making such an effort to arrive on time but Severus had requested they meet at 8:00am sharp and she was determined to do so. She dashed down the corridor and swung into the potions classroom with only seconds to spare. She steadied herself on the door frame as she fought to catch her breath.

"Late again, Granger?" Snape said, his hooked nose lost in a book.

"Sorry to disappoint you, Professor, but I'm on time"

Snape glanced to the Victorian clock on the brick wall and sneered.  
"I see."

He slammed the book shut and tossed it onto the desk.  
"Take a seat."

Hermione did as she was bid. Something about the way Snape held himself told Hermione that he was in a particularly foul mood. She did not fancy getting on the wrong side of Severus Snape this morning. She was not yet fully conscious, and not prepared to enter a dangerous battle of wills without a cup of coffee first. Snape handed her a cauldron and traced the handle with a long finger.

"It's oily" he said, coolly "you did not clean it correctly."

"I'll clean it now, Sir."

"A quick Turgeo would surely suffice?"

She nodded, but still she took the cauldron to the sink. Snape looked at her and raised one eyebrow, while simultaneously dropping the other one.

"What? No spiky quip today, Granger? No saucy retort? I  _am_  disappointed."

"I'm not in the mood."

"Why?"

Snape looked as though this question had surprised him as much as it had Hermione. She considered her answer carefully.

"I didn't sleep well" she said "and... I've been thinking a lot, about... about the past."

"If you have trouble sleeping, then brew yourself a Sleeping Draught. We did go over it just a week ago, you do recall? You weren't entirely useless at it. As for the past, I hear that dwelling does not do. Not that I would know, I dwell often and intensely."

"Me too", Hermione said.

Snape glared at her, and for a fraction of a second, she thought she saw his edges soften.  
"I thought we might begin to go over flora today", he said, his eyes razor sharp again. "Plants, herbs, fungi?"

"Sure."

"Tell me Granger, what are the main properties of wormwood?"

"Hang on", she said, rummaging through her bag "I made notes on this last night."

"You made notes?"

Hermione couldn't tell if she had impressed him or if he was mocking her and she had hardly the energy to care which. She had woken in the small hours, panicked and sweaty; another dream - nightmare really - flashing images from the last battle and unconsciously created new ones of the battle still to come. She put her hand in front of her mouth and tried to stifle a yawn. 8am was certainly too early to be in the potions classroom, yet Snape had wanted to get an hour in before first classes.

"Am I keeping you awake, Granger?"

"Well... yes."

"Excellent. Now, follow me to the storeroom."

Hermione's legs began moving before she was entirely sure where she was going.

"I will hand you an ingredient; you will first identify it, then tell me its properties. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

Snape handed her a sprig of Lavender.  
"Lavender", she said. "Healing. Calming."

He passed her a green bottle.  
"Flobberworm Mucus. For thickening and healing."

He threw a round stone, that she caught with both hands, drawing them into her chest.  
"That's a bezoar", she said, "used for antidotes, cures and healing..."

Hermione looked at him.  
"Sir, they all have healing properties..."

"Firstly, stop it with this  _'sir'_  nonsense, as you have so kindly reminded me I am no longer your teacher and yes, they do", he said, solemnly. "I imagine that you will be required to make a lot of healing draughts over the next year. You may also find it important that you learn to tailor them to suit the patient's needs. We do not know what will be faced with."

Hermione's mouth opened and again came a yawn.

"However if that is of no interest to you then you can-"

"No, Sir- I mean Snape.  _Snape?_ "

"What?"

"What should I call you if not Sir or Professor?"

His face was either irritable or in its relaxed state, Hermione never knew which was which.

"Snape will suffice. Now wake up, Granger, and take these and brew for me a healing potion... that is, if you are capable?"

"I don't know of any potion that uses all of these ingredients."

"Nor do I. Create one."

"I've told you, I don't want to create-"

"And I've told  _you,_ Miss Granger, that you must learn to. Now hurry it up!"

Hermione growled under her breath.  
"I can't."

"You can. And you must. You will need to perfect your potion craft. If you wish to succeed that is."

"Of course I want to succeed!"

"Then prove it. Make me a healing draught with all of these ingredients. I do not expect you to create a masterpiece in one sitting. You are simply not good enough."

Hermione hated the way that he spoke to her. She was the brightest damn witch of her age; she just didn't want to use magic as much as she had. That did not make her any less able to.

"Can you not do that?"

"Do what?" he snipped.

"Talk to me like I am an idiot. I am  _not_  an idiot."

"My apologies, Granger. I did not mean to cause offence. I assumed that you had a thicker skin. I did not realise I needed to mollycoddle you."

"Oh don't start!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and he caught her doing so. There was a trace of a smile on his lips, she noticed, before realising that it had been, in fact, a smirk. She had thought, in that moment, that she had pleased him - not because she was a good student (like the old Hermione) but because she had stood up to him (as the new Hermione).

"Pack your shit up and get out of here", he said coolly, as it approached 9am.

"Snape..." she said with a voice thick with smugness, and a smirk to match his own. "... It is you who should pack up and leave. I have a class due in five minutes in  _this_  classroom. As do you, in  _yours_."

He locked his eyes on hers and then finally, conceded.

"Same time next week, Granger."

Their next meeting was hardly any better.

"Granger, are you being deliberately obtuse to annoy me or are you simply incapable?" Snape drawled, while he absentmindedly flipped through the pages of his old copy of  _Advanced Potion-Making._ She met his eyes with defiance.

"I'm more than capable. Maybe you're just not explaining it correctly?"

" _Brightest witch of her age_ , they call you. I didn't expect to have to dumb down the theory for you. Tell me-" he said, snapping the book closed, "would you like me to use smaller words? Or perhaps I should draw you a little picture?"

"Oh, piss off, Snape!" she flared. "If you don't want to teach me then you should have Slughorn do it."

"What a brilliant suggestion, Granger. Why did I not think of it before?"

"So he's busy, huh? Maybe he could teach me tomor-"

"Horace plans to help you develop a potential syllabus tomorrow. Since it seems that I am the only person interested in making sure you are actually fit to teach it, I hoped that today we would continue work on your  _actual_ potion training."

"But I learned all of this at school. I can brew Polyjuice with my eyes closed."

"You're quite right, you  _did_  learn this at school - you learned to NEWTS level - but soon you will be expected to  _teach_ NEWT students, so  _excuse me_  if I think that you could hone your skill a little better. As for your ability to brew Polyjuice, I am well aware of your antics in your second year. As impressive, preposterous, and need I say  _reckless_  as they were, I would like to see you brew it for myself and see that you understand the process completely."

_'Impressive?'_  she thought, and caught the corners of her lips twitch. She stopped herself before they curved into a smile.

"Fine, I-"

"And, Granger, when I say 'completely', I mean that you must not only know  _how_  to brew but you must also understand  _why._ "

"You said that before. I didn't understand it then, either. What do you mean?"

"I mean that every ingredient serves a purpose. You know the properties of Fluxweed but can you tell me why we use it? Or why it must be picked at the full moon? Can you tell me why, when infused with lacewing flies, it becomes-"

"Okay!" she said, sharply, throwing her hands into the air. "No! No, I can't."

"Then you know  _how_  to brew and not  _why._ When you understand every complex and critical aspect of potion making; then and only then, will you be ready to teach it. Until you are ready and able to create your own potions-"

"You're right, I'm sorry."

Snape's eyebrows drew together and Hermione readied herself for the sarcastic retort that didn't come. The harsh lines of his face softened.

"Don't apologise, Granger. Just work at it. You haven't had to learn this yet, but you will  _need_  to learn it and so I am  _trying_  to teach you."

"How did  _you_  learn?"

"Me? Well, I suppose from Slughorn, who took a special interest in me. Then I read everything I could on the subject and I practiced dusk 'til dawn. And of course..." he paused for a moment, considering, before continuing, "... The - err - Dark Lord gave me some of his insights."

Hermione blanched and nodded

"You say you read on the subject. Which book? I learn better that way."

"There are many books; I could recommend a couple, if that is what would benefit you? I will get an elf to send them to your quarters. You should read them thoroughly and quickly-"

"That's the only way I know how to read."

"And I expect you to make notes..."

"Of course!"

"Right. Well then. I guess we're done here for now. You may leave."

Hermione didn't need to be told twice. She gathered her things - parchments, quills and books - into her bag and left the room.

* * *

 

Hermione drew the curtains, placed the candle on the dresser and lit it. She pulled the cover of the bed over her knees and sat with her legs crossed with  _Potion Theory_ open to page 394 in her lap. To her right was a dog-eared copy of  _Basic Ingredients and their Properties_  and to her left, a thick leather-bound tome:  _Concoction Components and How To Use Them_. Tucked under her thigh was the secret book; the one she knew she shouldn't have taken, but wanted anyway.  _Advanced Potion Making._  Inside it, the handwritten words that had bothered her so much during her sixth year:  _This book is the property of The Half Blood Prince._ She found comfort in it now, knowing to whom it belonged. It had not been full of dark magic, although it was no secret that the man to which it belonged had dabbled in that pond.

When a knock came at the door, Hermione pulled her wand out of the knot of her hair and dog-eared the page she was reading. It was a light rapping - Minerva she assumed - come to check on her. She looked at the wand tight in her fist and she felt her heartbeat quicken.

"Come in" she said, and with a tentative wave of her wand, successfully unlocked the door.

Hermione looked up, ready to greet her old teacher, and new found friend. Her mouth fell open when she looked upon the looming figure in the doorway.

"Snape?"

"Not who were you expecting?"

"I thought you were Minerva..."

"Sadly not. Should I leave you?"

Hermione chewed the inside of her cheek and shook her head.  
"No. It's fine. Can I help you?"

Snape moved into the room; his cloak billowed behind him.  
"You're reading... I assumed that you would be out with Miss Brown. I heard the two of you prattling at lunch."

"I thought it was more prudent to get some research done, since I still have a lot to learn."

"Obviously."

Hermione's skin prickled under his stare.  
"Did you need something?"

"My book."

"Which one?"

Snape's black eyes looked darker and meaner than they had all year.  
"You know full well which one. The one you didn't ask to take."

"Ah. Right. Yes."

Hermione lifted her thigh and pulled out Snape's old book.  
"Sorry" she said, dropping her gaze "how angry are you?"

"That depends on your reason for taking it."

"I thought it might help me learn. I assumed that you wouldn't lend it to me if I asked. But mostly," she pondered "... mostly I took it because it's brilliant, I mean look at this-"

She opened the book to where her marker was sat between the pages, and pushed it towards Snape. He moved closer to her bed and looked down at the book.

"It's like this part here-", she said, pointing at a recipe for Amortentia, and a scribbled passage beside it. "The way that you describe the potion's effects, and the care you've taken to list every ingredient and how it works. It's such a tender thing, the way that you think about them- it's more than intellectual... almost spiritual. It makes Potions seem-  _you_  make it seem..."

Hermione felt her cheeks run hot.  
"... well... beautiful."

Snape's eyes bored into Hermione and then, to her surprise, he raised an eyebrow and there was the flicker of a smile on his face. Not the smirk that she usually saw there, but an honest to goodness smile. She felt a tingle trace her spine in figures of eight. She was warm with the knowledge that it was her words that had brought that rare curve to his mouth and considered ways to make him do it again.

"So, what are you reading right now?" he asked.

She gestured to  _Potion Theory,_ open in her lap.  
"This chapter on leeches is rather fascinating."

"Isn't it?" Snape said, and there was a flutter of light behind his eyes.

He gestured to the empty space beside her bed.  
"May I sit?"

Hermione paused, momentarily startled. She felt her heart thump below the thin cotton of her nightdress and she suddenly wished that they were somewhere less secluded than her bedroom. She nodded anyway and watched as Snape transfigured a stool from an empty goblet on her side table. He took his seat next to her and pulled  _Concoction Components and Where To Find Them_  into his hands. He riffled through the pages until he found a similar chapter, also regarding leeches.

"You see," he said, leaning in towards Hermione so that she could see the book, "if you read them side by side, then you get a more complete understanding. It's fine to read them one by one, but to enjoy them in tandem is to really experience-"

He trailed off; looked up at her, and met her puzzled gaze.  
"What?" he asked.

"It's nothing" she said "you're just being... nice."

His face fell back to a frown.  
"I could bellow at you if you preferred, Granger, but I tried being strict with you earlier and it did not seem to work. So I am trying a different strategy."

"Why?"

"Because, believe it or not, I want you to succeed."

Hermione's eyes sparkled.

"Don't get me wrong, Granger. My motivation for your success is, for the most part, a selfish one. I want Slughorn off my back about his damned retirement. The sooner you complete your training, the sooner he can bugger off and leave me alone."

"I guess-"

" _And..._  I have a vested interest in Potions teaching here at Hogwarts and so I am not willing to sit back and watch you screw it up!"

"That's more like it" Hermione said with a laugh. "You know, at first I thought that you were just trying to make my life difficult with all this 'why not how' talk, but about five chapters into  _Potion Theory,_  I realised that you were right. I say that begrudgingly, by the way."

"Of course."

"As much as it truly pains me to admit it, I haven't got a clue what I'm doing, so I might in fact... need you... your help..."

There it was again. That quiver of a smile in his lips. He has a scar, she thought, just there by his cupid's bow. It's funny how the arch of a smile can make someone come to life-  _okay maybe you should stop looking at his lips?_  came a voice from somewhere in her mind and jolted her back to the present. Her cheeks filled red again.

"Are you quite alright Granger? You look flushed. Are you sick?"

"I'm fine" Hermione said, and her voice cracked.

She felt the warmth in her cheeks spread across to her temples.  
"Maybe I just need some rest?"

Snape's gaze flickered down to lace collar of her nightgown and then quickly back to the books in front of her. He chewed at the skin around his thumb nail as he gave a solemn nod.  
"Quite. I will leave you. Thank you for...  _humouring_ me."

"Thank you for the books."

She held out his  _Advanced Potion Making_  for him to take but he shook his head.

"Keep it" he said, not quite meeting her eye. "Maybe you'll get some use out of it. After all, nobody else I know has ever thought Potions beautiful before. Not even Slughorn, I dare say."

She swallowed and smiled in thanks. Snape stood, transfigured the stool back into the goblet and left it where he had first taken it. He turned his back and in a flurry of his cloak walked to the door.

"Snape?"

"Yes?"

"If you thought I would be out with Lavender, why did you come here to my quarters?"

Snape twisted his mouth back to its usual smirk.  
"I did not think you would be in, but I thought it polite to at least knock on your door before kicking it down to retrieve my book."

He straightened his cloak.

"Granger" he said, with a nod, by way of goodbye, and turned through the door.

Hermione waited for the latch to click behind him. She sunk into the sheets, pulled them over her head and begged the earth to swallow her whole.

* * *

Hermione walked the hallways to the Great Hall, nodding at a couple of promising Ravenclaws she had observed in class earlier in the day. As she turned to enter, she caught sight of Lavender in conversation with Parvati. Lavender's face was one of hardly concealed anguish and Hermione felt a sting in her chest. She wanted to charge over, knock their heads together and tell them to get a grip. They had been best friends for seven years. It wasn't fair that  _You Know Who'_ s war was destroying lives even now that he was in hiding. Hermione heard bounding footsteps behind her. She turned and saw Katie Bell, who stopped dead in her tracks, as Hermione had, upon the sight of the two girls talking.

"Uh oh" Katie whispered. "How long has it been since they've spoken?"

"I'd guess six months since their last awkward run in and about three years since their last normal conversation... as friends."

Hermione felt Katie's hand slip into hers.

"You okay?" she asked.

"Yeah" Hermione said "I still feel guilty."

"Why? It wasn't your fault that they fell out."

"I know but... I told Parvati, didn't I? I told her she ran..."

"She  _did_  run," Katie said, squeezing Hermione's hand, "and so she should have."

In The First Battle of Hogwarts, Hermione had witnessed something that haunted her even now. Lavender Brown and Padma Patil at the mercy of the werewolf, Fenrir Greyback, whose menacing form loomed above them. Hermione had fired a quick jinx at Greyback, giving Lavender time to make her escape. However Padma had not been so lucky. Before Hermione had the chance to strike him again, he bore his teeth and sunk them into the flesh of Padma's wrist. Hermione struck him again and he turned his back on Padma. He made his move on Hermione, who fled to where other Order Members stood so that they could help her take him down.

* * *

_Parvati fled to her sister and threw herself to the ground beside her. Hermione was just about to leave to rejoin the action, when Parvati grabbed her by the wrist._

_"What happened?" she asked._

_"Greyback attacked her and Lavender. She should be okay though."_

_Parvati held her hands to her mouth._

_"Oh Gods! And Lavender? Is she... okay?"_

_Hermione put a hand of comfort on Parvati's shoulder.  
"Yes. Lavender is fine. I jinxed him and she was able to run away."_

_"But not my sister?"_

_Hermione shook her head regretfully.  
_ _"No, Greyback got to her when Lavender escaped. Then I attacked him again and he left Padma alone and came after me instead."_

_"And what did Lavender do after she escaped... did she fight him off my sister too?"  
_

_"No, Parvati, she got away. She ran..."_

_Parvati's face fell to thunder, her eyes narrowed and darkened and Hermione realised that she had, not for the first time in her life, said the wrong thing.  
_

_"She had to run! She needed to get to safety."  
_

_"Did you run?" she snapped._

_"I, err- well..."_

_"No, you didn't! You stayed and protected my sister. Just as my best friend should have done. My best friend, Hermione! She just left her?_ _Alone? She ensured her own safety and LEFT HER THERE?... Where is she now?"_

_Parvati's tone in her last few words was so cold that a chill moved down Hermione's spine._

_"You tell me where she is, Granger!"_

_"Last I saw she was with Seamus. Listen, Parvati. I was in a position of strength, Lavender was-"_

_"I don't care. I'll kill her", Parvati said with a voice so flat that Hermione thought she might mean it. "If the Death Eaters don't get her first, I'm going to kill her myself."_

_"Parvati, your sister will be okay. Look at Bill. He has some wolfish characteristics, sure, but he's still the same old Bill. Greyback hadn't transitioned when he attacked her. Everything will be okay. Lavender did what she needed to do. She didn't do anything wrong-"_

_"No, Hermione, she did do wrong!" Parvati yelled. "So much for that Gryffindor courage! She left her for dead. Fuck her! And fuck you for siding with her!"_

_"I'm not siding with anybody- You know what, Parvati?" Hermione said, unable and unwilling to mask her frustration. "I'm sorry but I don't have time to argue with you. I need to get back into the fray. Stay with your sister. I have to go."_

* * *

Lavender caught sight of Hermione and Katie in the Great Hall and her body sagged as though with relief. Hermione thought she heard Lavender say,  
"I should go" as she excused herself and walked towards them. Katie dropped Hermione's hand and reached for Lavender, pulling her in towards them. She put her arm around Lavender's shoulder protectively and Hermione gave her an empathetic smile.

"What did  _she_  have to say?" Katie said, coldly.

"We just bumped into each other... literally" Lavender replied. "It was so awkward. I tried to be polite, you know? I asked her if she was okay and if she was enjoying working under Professor Trelawney. She didn't say much, really..."

Lavender's eyes became watery.

"Awh come on, love!" Katie said. "You'll be okay. Although, it really didn't look like a comfortable encounter..."

"It wasn't. She stared at me like I was so evil I rivalled  _You Know Who_. Which isn't fair, is it? I've had enough of it."

"Good for you", Katie said, rubbing Lavender's shoulder.

"Obviously I miss her and I'd do anything to be her friend again, but I don't think I deserve to be treated this way, you know?"

"No", Hermione said "you don't. Not at all. I'm sorry again for..."

"Don't be sorry, Hermione. You didn't do anything wrong either."

"Yeah! How were you to know she was a mad cow?" Katie said, and put her other arm around Hermione so that they were all in an odd but comforting embrace.

"Excuse me!" came a familiar voice from behind them. "Canoodling without me? I'm hurt."

"Get in here, Bones!" Katie said and pulled her too, into the fold.

"What's going on?" Susan asked. "Why are we hugging it out in front of the kids?"

"There's only like five kids here..." Katie argued. "Lavender bumped into Parvati..."

"Oh Gods. Do I need to kick her ass?"

Lavender laughed through her tears and wiped her face with the back of her hand.  
"This is silly", she said. "I'm fine, I'll be fine."

"Hey? Do you fancy blowing this place off and heading into Hogsmeade for lunch?"

"Brilliant idea, Bones!" Katie said, "are you guys in?"

"Definitely", Lavender said.

"Hermione? You in?"

Hermione looked up at the teacher's table to Snape's empty chair. She would have to meet him in just over an hour for their next training session and if she went into Hogsmeade she would be cutting it rather fine. When she looked at the expectant faces of her friends, she knew that nothing, especially not Severus Snape's wrath, would stop her. However, there was a part of her that she couldn't quite understand, that didn't fear being late because it would make him angry. No, she feared being late, because she didn't want to miss a minute of his training or a word of his advice. She was, to her surprise, looking forward to meeting with him.

* * *

"If I don't leave now, I'm going to be late". Hermione said, searching for her purse in her beaded bag. "Although that might disappoint him because I think he secretly loves to taunt me about my time-keeping... Ugh! Where is it?"

"Forget paying", Susan said, waving her off. "I've got this one. Lunch is on you next time, though, Granger!"

"Deal... Thanks, Bones."

"Go!"

Hermione patted Susan on the back and darted out of the cafe. She ran to the flower pot port key outside Honeydukes and grabbed it. She appeared in an instant outside the Hogwarts gates and set off into a run.

"Don't rush, Granger!"

That familiar velvet voice came from behind her - Snape.  
"I'm running a little behind."

Hermione's eyebrows jolted upwards.  
"I didn't know you were ever late" she said in what she hoped was a playful tone.

"I had business to attend to", he snipped.

"Oh... Sorry."

Snape looked at her and then grimaced. She thought a less miserable man might have apologised. A grimace was as close as she would get. She walked beside him. His cloak didn't billow behind them in the dramatic fashion it usually did, and she realised that he had slowed his pace to walk with her.

"What are we doing today?" she asked.

"I thought you might give healing draughts another go, unless you planned to stick to your insane 'no experimenting' rule?"

"It's not a rule", she said sharply "... and it's not insane. I just don't feel comfortable-"

"You need to _get_ comfortable, Granger. The time for perfecting someone else's recipes is over. It is time to concoct your own."

"What if I can't?"

He stared at her, incredulously.  
"What are you talking about? Are you telling me that  _the great_   _Hermione Granger_ , who I have been led to believe is the most talented and promising witch Hogwarts has produced in over three decades, is what? Not up to the task?"

"I don't think that's who I am anymore."

"Nonsense. You are quite accomplished."

She looked at him with suspicion and he met her eyes.

"And you're a know-it-all and a show-off..."

"Not anymore."

"Why? What changed?" he asked, sedately.

"I did."

Hermione swallowed the lump in her throat as Snape stopped walking and turned to face her. He moved closer to her and spoke quietly, so that only she could hear him.

"I have heard whisperings. You do not practice your magic much anymore. Why?"

"I don't know... it's just... ever since the first battle..."

He gazed at her and she studied his face for pity or judgment. She did not find any.

"Are you unable to control your magic? Or are you frightened to use it?"

"The latter."

"Yet you make the exception for potions. Why?"

"You can control potions; you can do it in your own time. Potions doesn't demand anything from you. It doesn't require you to think quickly or act rashly. Potions are neutral. There are no dark potions and light potions."

He nodded his head as though he understood.  
"There are no _unforgivable_  potions", he said.

"Exactly! My magic feels dangerous. Not that I can't control it, because I can and I use it occasionally; I still use basic spells from time to time. But I'm not as interested in using it anymore because I've seen the destruction it can do. I know it sounds silly."

"No. Not silly. It is, in fact, one of the few sensible things I have ever heard you say. Very few witches and wizards think about magic in such a way. We don't consider the power and responsibility that comes with it. Perhaps those of us who were raised with magic, do not give it a second thought? We do not know any different. But Granger, what do you plan to do when the second battle comes? Will you not fight?"

"I don't know. What about you? Will you fight?"

"I assume so" he said thoughtfully, "although I have yet to decide for which side."

When they made it to the potions classroom, Snape set Hermione up with a cauldron and some ingredients.  
"Brew a healing draught", he said. "Use as many or as few of the ingredients as you wish, but make sure that it is entirely your own creation. I want you to create something to treat  _this._ "

Snape rolled up his sleeve, revealing a nasty laceration on his forearm. It looked almost as though he had tried to slice off the dark mark, although she knew that was on his other arm. Not that she'd ever seen it. He always kept his sleeves buttoned down to his hands. As she looked closer, she saw that it wasn't just a cut, but surrounded by raised bumps, as though he'd been hit with a stinging hex.

"How did you-" she started.

"You have forty minutes", he interrupted. "You may start."

Hermione stared blankly at the ingredients in front of her. She assumed that he had provided her with these in particular, because he thought at least some of them might be useful. She started with a base of water as she always did, and then added three sprigs of lavender - the name of her friend - which seemed as good a place as any to begin. She didn't know what or why, but something drew her to the Pungous Onion, used as part of a cure for boils. She chopped two measures and dropped it into the pot. She then reached for the pot of honey and spilled in a generous serving to sweeten it. Nobody in their right mind would want to drink something that tasted of lavender and onion. Not that it mattered too much, if it worked. The honey also acted as a thickening agent. She added two drops of dittany to help prevent scarring once it had healed over.

When she looked over at Snape, she saw that he was writing with a black feather quill on fresh parchment. She thought that he might either be taking note of her recipe, or making notes on how incompetent she was. Maybe he was jotting down all of the insults that came into his head so that he could hurl them at her afterwards. Hermione unstoppered a little pink bottle and added ten drops, then twelve drops of thick yellow liquid from a glass vial. She stirred the mixture anticlockwise four times.

"How many times did you stir that?" he asked.

So he  _was_  writing down her recipe.  _Thank God._  
"Four times."

She then popped in a scrap of silver, in case the wound had been the work of a werewolf - it didn't look like one, but better safe than sorry. Then she added a single leech. Finally, she stepped away from the desk and pulled a jar down from one of the shelves. She de-stoned and crushed twenty cherries and dropped them into the concoction. She stirred it clockwise seven times and then anticlockwise twice more.

"Seven clockwise. Two anticlockwise", she said.

Snape nodded.

Hermione took her wand from the desk and waved it over the cauldron. She looked nervously at Snape who had shown little to no sign of a reaction. He stood from his seat, grabbed a bottle and a ladle from the work surface and handed them to Hermione. She spooned a large serving into the bottle and handed it back to him.

"What do you think?" she asked, her heart racing behind her rib-cage.

He looked at it, smelt it, and then, without hesitation, took the vial to his lips and drank the whole thing down.

"What the hell are you doing?"

He stared at her.  
"Testing it", he said, as though this shouldn't really have needed an explanation.

His face turned to one of bemusement.  
"It tastes rather pleasant", he said and pulled up his sleeve, to reveal a pink line where the unsightly cut had been before. "And, to my consternation, it actually works."

Hermione's mouth fell open.  
"I did it?"

"Yes, Granger."

"I did it!" she said, this time with enthusiasm.

She was taken on the wave of euphoria that crashed into her and she threw her arms around Snape's neck.  
"Thank you!" she said.

His body was rigid and she couldn't help but let out a laugh.  
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Granger. If you do not kindly unpeel yourself from me right this instant, I will hex you into next week and we both know that you will not be able to defend yourself."

"Well, that's just a low blow, isn't it?" she said, with a genuine smile, and she took her arms from around his neck.

She realised then that Snape was funny. She was sure that he hardly meant to be, but he was. That surly, sarcastic attitude made her laugh. If she gave back as good as she got, then it would stop being cruel and unsettling, and it would become something more like banter.

"Even in my weakened state, Snape, I'm sure I could still kick your ass in a duel."

She grinned at him and he raised his eyebrows in surprise.  
"Oh really? That sounds like a challenge to me, Granger. You and me? In the courtyard? Now?"

"Nah. It doesn't feel right to kick an old man's ass."

He glared at her, then he smirked.  
"I'm forty one, not one hundred and forty one. I could duel circles around you. I've been dueling longer than you've been alive."

"I wouldn't brag about that."

His mouth fell agape and his eyebrows furrowed. Then, to her surprise and delight, he smiled at her. Another honest  _smile._  The sight of it lit a fire in her chest. She urged it to extinguish, but still it roared inside her.

"Do they not teach muggle children to respect their elders?"

"You're right", she said, "you should be respected and handled delicately... like the antique artifact that you are."

"How dare you!"

They shared a grin and Hermione felt the flames flicker in her chest.

"Listen, Snape. All jokes aside, I want to thank you. I would never have created anything without your help."

"Now now, Granger. Don't go all soft on me; I haven't the patience for it. You didn't need me. You did it all by yourself. I simply sat here and I watched."

"But without your help over these months-"

"Believe me, I loathe giving you credit, but regrettably, it  _is_  due.  _You_  did it, Granger. All by yourself. You are perhaps  _almost_ as capable as I was led to believe."

Hermione shifted her weight from side to side, and crossed her arms. She could feel the warmth creep again onto her cheeks.  
"Thank you. I can't believe you drank it though, I could have killed you."

"I watched you make it didn't I?" he said. "I wouldn't have taken even a sip if I had thought that it wasn't going to work. But I knew that it would, even before you started to make it. I have seen what you can do with a cauldron. You are... excuse me if I wretch while I say this, but you are rather talented. I've been pushing you to do better because I knew that you could. The only person who needed convincing of your ability, was you."

Hermione stared at him in disbelief. He was capable of praise, then? Even if it irked him to give it.  
"Why weren't you like this when you were my teacher?" she asked.

"Like what?"

"Well... a good teacher..."

Snape scoffed.  
"Is it not obvious? I  _hate_  teaching. I consummately abhor it. I hate children and the feeling seems to be mutual. I only stay in this blasted school because The Dark Lord wants me to keep an eye on Dumbledore and Dumbledore wants to keep his eye on me. Anyway, Granger... we are out of time again. But before you go, answer me this... why did you add the cherries?"

"I don't know... I just like the smell of them, I suppose."

"I do too" he said, narrowing his eyes "which is why I use them in all of my own creations. How did you know that?"

Hermione looked at him and said truthfully, "I didn't".


	3. Thawing

**3\. THAWING**

Hermione met with Lavender and Susan for dinner in the Great Hall. The enchanted sky above them was grey but outside the windows, the trees were beginning to drop their leaves and the earth was covered in its thick orange blanket. Hermione loved this time of year.

"Bones and I are going into Hogsmeade tonight", Lavender said. "Are you coming?"

Hermione narrowed her eyes.  
"If you plan on heavy drinking then no thank you, I'll pass."

"It's Friday night!" she moaned. "Katie's gone home for the weekend, so it'll just be me and Bones if you don't come."

"Hey! What's wrong with alone time with me?"

"Nothing, Bones, we always have a good night. But the more the merrier, right?"

"True", Susan said. "Come on, Hermione!"

Hermione thought about it. She wanted nothing more than to let off some steam, but there was so much work she needed to be getting on with and it felt wrong going off into the village when, even though it didn't always feel like it, they were at war.

"Not tonight", she said apologetically.

"Then when? Next week? You've yet to go out with us at night. You're missing out. We always have a good time, don't we Bones?"

"She's not wrong, Granger."

"Next week then", Hermione agreed, delaying the inevitable "... when Katie's back. We can all go out together."

"Do you promise?" Lavender said and flashed Hermione the sort of puppy dog eyes that might work on weak-willed men, but wouldn't work on her.

But she was right; Hermione hadn't left the castle after dark for a long time. In fact, she thought, she might have never left the castle at night in the months she'd lived here. She wished she could chalk it up to being busy or respectful, but in reality, there was fear holding her back and she didn't want to be a prisoner to fear anymore.

"Yes", she said, knowing immediately that she would regret it, when Lavender expected her to make good on the promise. "Yes, we'll all go into Hogsmeade next week. Really... we will."

Susan took a mouthful of soup and said, the moment she had swallowed:  
"So what will you do tonight instead?"

"I'm going to work on creating healing draughts", she said, moving her fork mindlessly around her plate. "I was thinking... maybe I could create recipes for numerous specific illnesses and injuries? Because the problem is that when you identify a problem with a patient, it's usually too late to brew a potion to treat them because they usually have a few days or even months of stewing time. But what if we had lots already on hand? Or what if I could figure out a way to avoid the wait altogether?"

"That would be brilliant, Hermione" Susan said. "That's exactly what we need down in the hospital wing. You should talk to Pomfrey-"

"Yeah she'd love to know that someone is taking the initiative finally", Lavender said. "She's been talking for months about how awful it is to just wait around and hope that the potions are made in time. Before the patient... you know..."

Susan shot Hermione a knowing glance.  
"It's like when you were petrified in second year, Hermione!"

"Exactly." Hermione said, brightly "It was that that I was thinking about when I got the idea. Snape's been helping me learn how to truly understand ingredients, and how they work together. I really think that with a bit of work, I could do it."

"Well if anyone's up to the task, it's you", Lavender said. "Now! Will one of you please come up to my room and tell me which of the two dresses I have chosen for tonight is the most appropriate."

"What do you mean, 'the most appropriate'?" Hermione asked

"I want to look good, but not easy. I've narrowed it down to two options, and I need to know which is the least slutty."

"Yeah and then she'll wear the other one!" Susan said with a roar of laughter.

"Piss off, Bones!"

Susan pulled Lavender into a great bear hug and ruffled her hair.  
"Oh, you love me!" Susan said, happily and Lavender's pout broke into a smile.

* * *

Hermione couldn't sleep again that night, and so she pulled on a pair of jeans and a thick emerald green jumper, and made her way down the stairs to the Potions classroom, careful not to wake the sleeping portraits that lined the walls. There was a comfort in these walls, which she had never felt as a child, and hadn't felt anywhere else since living at The Burrow. Hermione walked into its darkness and felt it envelop her like the embrace of an old friend. Something in the dark caught her eye and Hermione felt her chest constrict- her body aware of potential danger before her brain caught up.

"Professor Slughorn?" Hermione said, cautiously "is that you?"  
No response came, but a clattering din of things breaking sent Hermione's heart right up to her throat. She took her wand from her hair and held it in front of her. She silently cast  _'Lumos'_  and the room burst with light. She caught the back of a cloaked figure and readied herself for a duel she knew she wasn't prepared for. If she had to fight for her life, she would surely die. The thought splintered and shook her, but the man spun round to face the bright light of her wand. Her eyes adjusted, revealing Severus Snape standing before her, his hands in front of his eyes. He lowered his hands and blinked.

"Hermione?" he said.

Hermione was taken aback by the sound of her name in his voice.  _His voice_ , she noticed, that cracked on every syllable.  _Was he afraid?_

"Are you okay?" she asked, pointing the light of her wand to the mess of broken vials and bottles, and the pile of scattered parchment and books around the desk where he stood. "Do you need help?"

"I'm fine", he snapped, casting _Lumos_  with his own wand. "I just knocked some things over, that's all."

"Why didn't you cast _Lumos_  when you came in?" she asked.

"Why didn't  _you_?"

"I'm hiding", she said, frankly. "You?"

Snape's scowl lightened.  
"I was skulking. Skulking requires darkness. Otherwise, I'd just be loitering."

And then he cracked that remarkable smile again and Hermione allowed herself to laugh despite her pounding heart.

Snape dropped to his knees and began to pull dripping sheets of parchment out of the shards of glass. Hermione crouched to help him.  
"Is there not a spell to clean this? Wouldn't  _Scourgify_  work?"

"I'm sure it would", he said, "but I have just never bothered to learn it."

Hermione wasn't sure that she believed him.

"If you want to try it, however be my guest."

 _He's trying to get me to use magic,_  she thought. It was such gentle encouragement, so alien from the man before her, that for a moment she considered giving it a go. She knew it wasn't an easy spell, but she had cast it many times before. But that was long ago, and she didn't want to embarrass herself in front of Snape if she couldn't manage it.

"Why didn't you learn it?" she asked, hoping that her diversion was a seamless transition.

"Charms were simply never my favourite, I guess. I've always been more partial to hexes and jin - wait, be careful of the glass!"

Snape and Hermione shared a look of horror, as if they were both offended by the tone of concern in his voice.

"Why were you skulking?" she asked, in an attempt to temper the newly harsh atmosphere.

He considered her.  
"Tell me first why you were hiding and I might give you your answer..."

"I... Well, I was hiding from Lavender, actually. I figured she would stop by after a night in Hogsmeade and I didn't want to be there when she did."

Snape raised his eyebrows.  
"Go on."

"Well, I imagine she will have had a lot to drink. And when she has had a lot to drink, she wants to talk about Ron. She thinks that we have our broken hearts in common and so we should stay up until the small hours talking about our feelings-"

"And you don't want to talk about your feelings?"

"Not really."

"And your broken heart? Is it... Are you..."

Snape buried himself in his cloak, under the guise of picking up a piece of glass and mumbled, "are you okay?"

Hermione laughed. A true belt of laughter that echoed around the Potions classroom, warming its severity. Snape's eyes darkened but the darkness dissolved when he realised that she wasn't laughing  _at_  him.

"Are  _you_  okay? You don't sound like yourself."

"I don't know, I might be coming down with something. I regretted the words as soon as I spoke them. Let's move on shall we?"

Hermione smiled and raised her eyebrows suggestively.  
"I think you secretly like my company."

"Let us not get ahead of ourselves, Granger. But I am perhaps... coming around to you."

"I did not know you were capable of 'coming around' to anything, Snape."

"I'm not a monster. I do have a heart; icy and devoid though it is. I would not take pleasure if you were..." he grimaced "... if you were sad. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy it when you are wound up or stressed out. That pleases me greatly. I have yet to find anything funnier. But I know a thing or two about a broken heart, so I wouldn't want you to... experience..."

Hermione bit her lip unconsciously while Snape busied himself with the mess.

"That is all", he muttered.

"Well, I'm fine, thank you. I just, I don't like to talk about it..."

"If I may give you a piece of advice?"

"Have you ever asked permission before?"

"You're right."

He straightened up and his voice followed in a more severe tone that Hermione was much more comfortable with.

"Granger. Talk about your misery. Share with someone your heartache. Ignoring your hurt will not soften it, only delay it. And pretending that you are not still in love with someone will not make it so."

"I  _don't_  love him anymore, but it still hurts that things have changed."

"Things will always change", he said. "Sometimes it is pure agony, no doubt, but usually, things change because they must. If you do not adapt, you will die. It's that simple."

"You're right, I know."

"Are you only just now realising that I am  _always_  right?"

"I've been slowly coming to that realisation over the last few weeks, actually, and I have to say... it's devastating."

"Ha! I bet."

He looked at her with what she might have mistaken for warmth if she'd seen it on anyone else. However just the smallest possibility that, it was in fact kindness in his eyes, made her brave, and she decided to test something.

"Severus?" she said, trying his name out cautiously.

The sound of it pleased her, and it felt at home on her lips. She liked the feel of it in her mouth; the way that her teeth grazed the S sounds. The short angry burst of his surname was cold in comparison to the gentle hiss of his first. She enjoyed it; there was something of a thrill in calling him by his name and she thought she might like to use it again. He caught her eye, but he didn't retort, and so Hermione took this as permission to continue.

"... It's your turn" she said.

"My turn? You mean, why I was skulking?"

"Yes. I want to know."

Snape had cleared all the glass, and all that was left was the messy mixture of potion - it smelled awful. Hermione cast a simple " _Tergeo_ " and was pleased to see that it worked. Severus nodded at her with appreciation, or perhaps... pride? He stood and sat in the chair behind his old desk.

"Alright", he said reluctantly, "but If I'm going to tell you, then I at least want to be comfortable. And I'm going to need a drink."

Hermione pushed a stack of parchment to the side and pulled herself up onto the desk. He summoned two goblets and a bottle of red wine, and poured a large glass. He looked to Hermione and offered it to her.  
"Will you join me?" he asked.

She draped her legs off its ledge and turned to him. She deliberated for a moment and then nodded. He passed her the goblet and poured another for himself. He leant back in his chair and took a sip.

"Okay. Spill..."

Snape sighed.  
"I was ruminating."

"Naturally."

"You recall our vow, I'm sure? And what we have been searching for?"

Hermione crossed her legs and brought the goblet to her lips. She swallowed.  
"I do."

"Well, I've found one."

"That's brilliant news!"

"Yes. However, it is proving difficult to obtain. It is in the Lestranges' Manor- I believe it to be in their bedroom. Therein lies the problem. It's not like I can just walk in and search for it."

Hermione gave a solemn shake of the head.  
"No, I guess not. So you've been plotting?"

"In a sense... I have been speaking with Dumbledore.  _He_  has plotted. I am trying to find a way around his plot. So far, I have come up empty."

"Do you want to talk about it? I could help, maybe?"

"I am quite capable of plotting...  _alone._ "

He snapped the last word, and Hermione scowled.

"Okay", she said, flatly.

Snape let out a long breath and readjusted himself on the chair.  
"Thank you, though", he said, "I appreciate the offer."

* * *

Hermione cleared up the mess left behind by the third year Gryffindors and Slytherins. Horace Slughorn sat back on his chair with his hands behind his head, and propped his feet up on the desk.

"How are you doing, Miss Granger?" he asked. "Any issues to discuss? Any grievances?"

"No complaints, Sir."

"And are you well, in general?"

"Fine, Sir. Thank you. Are- are you?"

Slughorn stretched his arms and cracked his knuckles.  
"Yes, quite fine, quite fine. And you- are you finding ways to enjoy yourself in the midst of all this madness?"

"Erm? I guess. I knit sometimes, and I read a lot-"

"Oh come now, Miss Granger. You are young! The world is full of fancy for you. You have to frolic while you're young!"

"Sorry to disappoint you", she said, scourgifying a forgotten cauldron "but there's no frolicking here. Between helping out with the order and learning from you and Severus, I don't really have time to dally."

"My apologies. Forgive an old wizard for living vicariously through his protégée. I had hoped that you might have tales to tell me."

Hermione choked on her laughter.  
"You'd do better to live vicariously through Professor Binns, Sir."

"Oh dear. Well, no bother."

Slughorn flashed Hermione a smile.  
"I have heard - we've all heard, mind you - about Miss Brown's escapades into Hogsmeade. She's been having fun. That's a girl who knows how to live, Miss Granger. Maybe you should tag along?"

"Maybe I should."

The door opened and Severus Snape entered the room in his typical flourish of black cloth. There was a frown perfectly etched in to his features. As he took in the sight of him, the irritable lines on his face eased into neutrality.

"Slughorn", he said in greeting, "... Granger."

"Good afternoon, Professor Snape. Tell me; what has your back up today?"

"First years", he drawled. "There's always one. Either an arrogant swine or an insufferable know-it-all."

He glanced at Hermione.  
"Sometimes, you're unlucky enough to get both in the same year."

His eyebrows rose to mock her, and she laughed. It was funny that a statement like this would have riled her just a few weeks before, yet she had since learned to find the humour hidden in his severity. She couldn't be sure if it was supposed to be there, but she found it time after time, and enjoyed each and every one.

"What's funny? What did I miss?" Slughorn asked.

"He's talking about Harry Potter- the swine, and me. I'm the insufferable know-it-all. He's goading me, Professor!"

Snape's eyes met hers and he relaxed under the sound of her laughter.  
"Is that true?" Slughorn asked. "Were you an insufferable know-it-all?"

"Not-"  
"Absolutely", Snape cut in.

Hermione laughed again. Catching Slughorn's glance, Snape traded his smile for a smirk and bustled further into the room.

"Tell me Horace, I am looking for a book-"

"Miss Granger has it."

The line between Snape's eyes appeared as it often did.  
"I didn't tell you which book I was looking for."

"Chances are that whichever it is, is in Miss Granger's possession."

" _Eldod Kettering: Master Potioneer_?"

Slughorn clicked his tongue and looked at Hermione.  
"Yeah," she said, "it's in my room. Do you need it now?"

"If it suits you?"

Slughorn and Hermione shared a look that she didn't understand, nor want to be a part of. She placed the clean cauldron on Slughorn's desk.

"Tell me, Miss Granger", Slughorn said, "of all the books you have read, which is your favourite?"

Hermione paused while she contemplated this.  
"Well... My favourite wizarding book is probably  _Hogwarts: A History_. I've read that one a few times, but my true favourite is a muggle book that I read when I was a child. It's called  _Matilda_ ; about a little girl who is poorly treated by her family and she discovers that she has magical powers. I always related..."

Hermione smiled at the memory.  
"... to the magic", she added, "not the awful parents. Mine were quite wonderful."

" _Were_?"  
It was Snape who had asked.

"They're in Australia. Minds modified. They don't know I exist."

She tried to sound matter of fact when she spoke, but there was sadness in her voice that she couldn't mask. She swallowed.  
"Anyway. Sorry, Professor. Let me just finish up here and I'll fetch you your book? I won't be long-"

Hermione thought she would be forgiven for noticing a trace of sympathy on Snape's face. She ignored it and it soon disappeared.  
"I will wait outside."

He nodded at Slughorn.  
"Be seeing you, Horace", he said, and left.

Horace dropped his feet from the desk and tucked them under his chair. He leant forwards, resting his wrists on a pile of parchment. He gestured for Hermione to lean in and spoke in a voice that in comparison to his typical roar was a veritable whisper.

"Okay tell me, Miss Granger... how in the world you did thaw out our friend Professor Snape?"

"I didn't know I had."

"He is fond of you, no?"

"Quite the opposite. He has all but hated me since my first Potions class."

"What nonsense! Perhaps, yes, when you were a child he disliked you, but you are no longer his student. You are, I imagine, quite different a person now and I think that he sees it. I think you see a change in him too."

"What makes you say that?"

"He smiled at you, Miss Granger. I saw it! I did not know he was capable. I couldn't be sure he even had teeth. I often wondered if he was hiding fangs behind his lips. But he _smiled_  at you, did he not? And earlier you referred to him, not as Snape, not as Professor or Sir; but as  _Severus._ "

Hermione felt that blasted redness creep again onto the apple of her cheeks.  
"We have been getting on better I suppose..."

She trailed off at the sight of Horace's grin.  
"Oh no. What?" she asked.

"No frolicking you said. You are practically pink with giddiness."

"I have not been frolicking with Severus Snape!"

"But you want to?"

"Sir!"

"Oh I know. But you could do worse-"

Hermione placed her hand to cover her scorching cheeks and stared at him. Slughorn sighed with a chuckle.  
"Fine. Fine. But, genuinely Miss Granger, it is good to see him begin to make an honest connection. He has built walls so high that I feared he might never make any meaningful relationships. He's been this way as long as I remember. The only one he ever held in any esteem was Lily."

"Harry's mother?"

"Yes, Miss Granger. If I am not mistaken, he was, I do believe, very much in love with her."

Slughorn grabbed a bottle of Firewhiskey from under his desk and dropped it on the table with a thud.

"Now, unless you plan to join me, I suggest you go to your friend. No doubt he has been listening to this conversation from the door"

"God, I hope not", Hermione said.

Horace moved closer to Hermione.  
" _Do_   _be_  his friend, Miss Granger. Gods know he needs one."

"I suppose we might be already. I don't know if Severus really  _has_  friends, but I think if he did... we might be... it?"

"Go", Slughorn said with what Hermione recognised was finality. "See you tomorrow, Miss Granger."


	4. Yes, Hermione

**4\. YES, HERMIONE?**

"Maybe I shouldn't go out tonight. I have so much work to be doing."

Lavender sighed and pulled a cream leather jacket over her white shirt.

"Don't be silly. You need some fun and you are not backing out on me now. You've already bailed twice this week and I won't stand for it, Mimi!"

Hermione loathed that ridiculous nickname, but Lavender had been so kind to her in the past months that she allowed her this one offence.

"Come on", Lavender said, gesturing to the chair in front of her. "Let's sort your hair out."

Lavender stood behind Hermione who sat in front of the mirror of her dressing table. With a wave of her wand, Lavender smoothed Hermione's curls and twisted one in her finger. She caught sight of Hermione's anguished face in the reflection.

"Listen. Dumbledore said that we need to carry on as usual, right? I have interpreted that to mean that I should continue to have fun. I also intend to make sure that anyone who may be concerned, knows I am still here and I'm not off conspiring against Y _ou Know Who_."

"But it feels wrong, don't you think? Us out on the town while others put their lives on the line to search, or to recruit. We're just stuck here."

"That's why you're _here_  isn't it? And not in Australia with your parents? We need to be  _seen._  If... Y _ou Know Who_... thought for a second that The Order was preparing for battle, then he and his Death Eater buddies would arrive at the gates and kill us all. We each have our orders, Hermione. Tonight yours come from me, and I say... we're going out!"

Hermione handed Lavender a silver clip with a pink plastic peony on it. Lavender took out her wand again and with a flourish, she brought the peony to life.

"That's gorgeous!" Hermione exclaimed.

Lavender put her hand to her chest.  
"I knew you'd like that trick... are you ready?"

Hermione looked at herself in the tall mirror beside the dresser and pulled at the hem of her dress. It felt too short, too feminine. Too Lavender.

"You look lovely, stop it!" Lavender said, slapping the hand away. "Don't stretch it out or I'll make you transfigure me a new one"

"I couldn't transfigure a dress if  _You Know Who_ himself asked for one."

She and Lavender shared a look of mock horror and then burst with laughter.  
"Now that would be a sight."

Through Lavender's door came Katie Bell and Susan Bones, for whom she had dropped her shield charms, an hour before. "Yay!" Lavender squealed, "You're so late, but yay!"

"We knew you wouldn't be ready on time", Katie said with a light chuckle.

"I was ready first for once", she argued and gestured at Hermione. She dropped her voice to a whisper in jest and said, "it took us a while to sort out her hair. It's been quite the challenge."

"Oh be quiet. How are you guys doing?" Hermione asked.

"Much better thank you, Hermione", Katie said "I'm exhausted. I think we all are."

She looked at both Lavender and Susan who nodded their agreement and murmured.

"It's just so tiring!" Katie said. "There's so much to learn and of course it's all necessary but every time we think Madam Pomfrey's done for the day, someone else shows up at the infirmary and we have another-"

"Invaluable learning opportunity" all three sung in unison, an impression, Hermione assumed, of Poppy Pomfrey herself.

"That bad?"

Hermione turned to face Susan.  
"How are you getting on?"

"I know they need all hands on deck for when the battle comes, but-"

She shook her head, as if clearing away the Nargles and snapped back to Hermione, Katie and Lavender.  
"Enough of that misery", Susan said. "How about a nice drink?"

"That's  _drink_ , Lavender", Katie added emphasising the 'k' with a howl of laughter. "Singular. As in one single drink."

Lavender let out a playful 'pah!'  
"Sure", she said, "let's see how that turns out."

Hermione and her unlikely new support system left the castle and headed towards the gate so they could take the port key to Hogsmeade. As they turned the corner, a surge of black cloth moved towards them. Snape looked angry and Hermione felt her stomach drop to her heels. He stared at her, in that intense and haunting way he did when faced with an unpleasant task or person. Suddenly she felt under-dressed and ridiculous in her borrowed outfit and, as she tried to take a step backwards her shoes slipped in the snow underfoot. Susan caught her arm and pulled her upright.

"You okay?" she whispered to Hermione.

Still Snape stared at them.

"Are you alright, Professor?" Katie asked.

He blinked and assumed a less offensive position.  
"Fine, thank you, Miss Bell. Are you all going in to Hogsmeade?" he asked, addressing the group at large, but looking only at Hermione.

"Yes", Lavender said, "what's it to you?"

She was surly, but understandably so. Lavender had liked Snape almost as little as Hermione had when they were at school. He had never been kind to any of his students unless they had slithered into his most pure house. Katie rolled her eyes, and Susan moved back a fraction so that Hermione stood between her and the irritable bastard.

"Have a good evening", Snape said and with his velvet voice, he surprised them all. "You look nice like that".

He took his eyes from Hermione.  
"You all look nice", he said. "Be safe."

When Snape had left, the young women stared at each other in silence. It was Lavender who finally broke it.  
"What in Gods' names was that all about?"

Susan and Hermione let out a small lilt of laughter but Katie looked white as the snow under foot.  
"Do you think he's dying?" she said and then lost her composure in a snort of amusement.

Hermione looked over her shoulder and saw the black figure get smaller and smaller until it had left her sight completely.

"Mimi" Lavender snapped "Are you deaf? Come on!"

She sprung back to the present, and nodding to Susan, put her hands on the flower pot and disappeared in a roar of excitement into the night.

* * *

Hermione decided that she had hit  _one too many_ Firewhiskey shots somewhere between number eight and number eleven. She sat slumped in the corner with Katie, who left occasionally for the bathroom to throw up. Lavender showed no signs of slowing down, even in these small hours as she stood atop the bar at The Three Broomsticks, dancing to the Weird Sisters song that blasted from the magical jukebox.

"If she breaks anything, Miss Bones, you will pay for it", Madam Rosmerta said irritably, looking to the most sober of the four women.

"Couldn't you just clean it up with magic? What are you, a squib?"

Susan grinned at her.

"No, I am not! Call it an inconvenience fee."

"Alright, fair enough!"

Susan swaggered back from the bar, holding three Butterbeers.  
"I think Lavender's had enough, but what about you two?"

"I couldn't drink another drop, Bones" Katie said, retching. "It's ever since those damn Weasley twins gave me that Nosebleed Nougat in sixth year. I can't handle my drink and I can't fly too high before I get a migraine."

"I knew they'd break someone", Hermione said, slurring her words slightly.

She felt a tug of sadness in her stomach when she thought about Fred.

"That's fine, Katie", Susan said, with a grin that stretched between both ears, "all the more for me!"

"Look at her", Katie said, gesturing towards Lavender who had now come down from the bar, and was dancing with an older wizard with dark hair and a thick moustache. "Have you ever seen anything like it?"

"She said she wants to be seen", Hermione said, raising her voice over the sound of the jukebox that grew louder as Lavender put her arms around the man's neck. "I guess she's accomplished that."

"Leave her be, she's having fun", Susan said, and smashed the tankard down onto the table and it shattered. She quickly muttered "Reparo" before Madam Rosmerta could take notice and made a cheeky,  _pleased with myself_  kind of grin.

Katie, Hermione and Susan, sat on their table in the corner of the pub, waiting for Lavender to finish  _being seen._

"I know it would be wrong to just leave without her, but it's tempting isn't it?" Susan said, as she sat back in her chair.

"I know! I wanna go home and throw up in the comfort of my own bathroom."

"You two go ahead", Hermione said, who was beginning to sober up a little. "I'll stay with Lavender."

Katie and Susan muttered 'are you sure?', 'if you're sure?' while they were already pulling on their coats. Hermione laughed.

"Go! It's fine. If you guys apparate, we can use the portkey to get us close to the castle and we'll walk the rest. I dare say that the fresh air will do her good."

"You're sure?" Katie asked.

"Yes. Seriously, go! Before I sober up and change my mind."

Katie and Susan left and Hermione tried to pull herself together. Even though she was no longer seeing two of everything, her brain was still rather muddled. She wasn't entirely sure that she'd seen it, but something fell to her feet. She hopped off the chair and grabbed it; a tiny piece of parchment with words in Susan's pretty, curly script that read:  
 _Heads up! Snape is outside._

As soon as she had read it, the note evaporated in her fingers, and just at that moment, she was shrouded in the unmistakable shadow of Severus Snape.

"You're drunk?" he said, as he leant in towards her.

"Yes", Hermione said, decidedly.

"And you're alone? Where are the others?"

"Katie and Susan have headed back home but, Lavender's still here."

She pointed to Lavender who was now becoming acquainted with her new friend, who had her pressed up against the door to the bathroom.

"What has Miss Brown been drinking?" he asked.

"Everything."

"How much?"

"Too much."

"We should take her back to the castle... now!"

He shot a look at Madam Rosmerta.  
"Right!" Rosmerta said into her wand, which magically magnified the sound of her voice "That's it! Everybody out!"

Hermione grabbed her coat and Lavender's jacket from the window ledge and looked at Severus with a flicker of fear. He had seen the danger before she had, but she'd caught up quickly.

"We need to take her back to the castle!"

"I just said tha- oh never mind. Excuse me!" he said, approaching the couple and forcibly removing the older wizard's hands from Lavender's breasts. She tripped back into him and he held her in his arms as though precious cargo.

"It's time to leave, Miss Brown", he told her kindly.

"And who are you? Her Father?" the wizard spat.

"You know damn well who I am, Keever, now back off!"

Hermione rushed towards the two men, who looked as if they were about to duel; Lavender between them. Hermione put herself in front of Snape. The feeling of his body behind her sent a rush of blood to her cheeks. She tried to shake it off.  _This is why you don't drink Firewhiskey,_  she chastised herself.

The older wizard, Keever, stepped back from Severus, and Hermione felt the odd sensation of pride swell in her stomach.

"Oh fuck off, Snape", Keever said, "it's all a bit of fun."

"I hardly think I have to tell you not to hit on girls so drunk they can barely stand, Keever," he snapped. "I know it's difficult given that a girl her age, of her calibre, wouldn't look twice at a man like you in her right mind."

Keever puffed up his chest and squared up to Snape. His grey eyes were laser-focused on Severus' black ones.

"Well, you're no spring hippogriff yourself, Snape!"

"Exactly, and that is why they would no sooner look at me. But do please try to keep your little dirty hands to yourself."

"Go fuck yourself!" Keever spat, "she was having a great time, weren't you, pet?"

"I am warning you..." Snape's voice was gravel, "... if you dare touch her again, you deplorable piece of shit, I will appear in the dead of night and I will-"

"Come on, Severus", Hermione interrupted gently, and pulled him away from Keever. "Lavender needs to get back."

Snape looked down at the girl in his arms. She was frightened, confused and struggling to stand. The way he held her, fierce and protective, made Hermione's fragile heart sing. Lavender, however, was uncomfortable and vulnerable. Hermione reached out for her friend, and draped Lavender's arms around her neck.

"I got you", Hermione soothed, and felt a rush of warmth in her chest as Severus took her arm in his hands.

"Hold her tightly, Granger", Snape said and he apparated, with Hermione and Lavender by his side, to just outside the castle grounds.

He flicked his wrist and his doe Patronus shot out from his wand. It galloped off towards the castle. Snape held Hermione's arm tight, supporting her as she supported Lavender. Dumbledore, McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey appeared at the castle gates as they approached.

"Is Miss Brown okay, Severus?" McGonagall asked, her face white with worry. "Are you okay, Hermione?"

Hermione nodded and took Minerva's out-stretched hand. She squeezed it.

"Miss Brown will be fine, Minerva", Severus said. "She had had just a little too much to drink and a run in with Keever."

McGonagall sighed with relief and just as quickly, her eyebrows furrowed so that they joined almost together. She looked like Severus.

"That creep should be locked away in Azkaban", Pomfrey said, reaching to take Lavender from Hermione's arms. "I'll look after her, love".

"Thank you for bringing her back safely, Miss Granger", Dumbledore said. "I take it that you will be okay?"

"Yes", she replied with a gentle sob.

"Severus", he said, "would you meet me in my office for a chat?"

"Yes, Headmaster. I would first like to see Miss Granger up to her quarters."

"I can do that", McGonagall offered.

"No Minerva. Severus can see to her. I'll meet you later. I imagine I won't get back to sleep now, what with all this excitement. So..." Albus said with a knowing look at Snape, but Hermione couldn't tell what it was he knew - "... whenever you are ready."

Snape nodded at Dumbledore and, once he'd left, Snape turned to McGonagall.

"I didn't expect you to bring the whole bloody staff!" he said, his eyes narrow.

"I thought I'd surprise you", Minerva said, nonchalantly "unfortunately Slughorn was in bed otherwise I'd have dragged him along too."

Snape rolled his eyes and Minerva put her hand on his shoulder.  
"You did good", she said and she too, left the group, leaving just Hermione and Severus. He looked back to her; his face serious but not severe.

"Will you come downstairs?" he asked, and slipped his arm under hers again.

"You're not taking me to my room?"

"Not yet."

* * *

"Are you hurt?"

"No?"

"Dizzy?"

"No."

"Upset?" Snape ventured.

"Nope", Hermione said, popping the 'p' with finality. "Just really, really stupid".

Snape smiled. Again that beautiful trajectory, with its gentle quiver. How she loved to see it, and how desperately wished she was still so drunk she was seeing double, so that she could take it in twice over.

"Here", he said, and pulled down a bottle of Wit-Sharpening potion from his personal stores. "I think you can do without a sobering potion, but I'd rather you were running at least..." he looked at the bottle, "... seventy five percent of your usual brain capacity".

He passed it to her, and a glitter of electricity ran through her fingers when they brushed against his. She took the potion, unstoppered it and drank it down from the bottle. Hermione sat and wondered at the brilliant and unknowable man in front of her. He gestured for her to sit in his armchair.

"How long should it take to work?"

"Any second now."

Hermione felt the warmth of sense wash over her, yet it failed to dull the rush of magic that had run from her fingertips to her toes when he'd touched her. Still it sparkled and she relished it, in spite of herself.

"I'll walk you back whenever you're ready."

"I want to stay... for a while..." she ventured. "If that's okay?"

Snape bowed his head. The Wit-Sharpening potion had worked, she knew, because it had just occurred to her that Severus could have summoned the potion from his room, and yet he had chosen to take her there himself. He wanted her here.

What a strange evening it had been. She glowed in the knowledge that he - Severus Snape - the terrible and talented wizard she had so feared and admired in her school years, had become fond, in his own way, of her - Hermione Granger - Insufferable Know-it-all.

"How are you feeling?" Snape asked her, after a few minutes of worried silence.

"I feel a bit nauseated but otherwise just fine."

"I can find something for that?"

"No", she said, waving him off. "Let the inevitable hangover serve as a warning not to go frolicking with Lavender Brown."

Snape laughed. He  _laughed._ Hermione was paralysed as though hit by the full body bind curse, at the glorious sound that came from his mouth. She felt her entire body flush pink and her skin prickled as though given a thousand loving kisses. She gazed at him.

"What?" he asked. "Are you okay?"

"Your laugh..." she said, feeling as though she was still very much drunk "... it's like music. God! Do it again."

Snape smiled at her patiently.  
"You... are pissed."

"... Not really."

"If you say so, Hermione."

The sound again of her name on his lips filled her body with another wave of pink cloud. She pulled herself away from it so that she could think clearly. Snape looked at her with a bemused expression, but he didn't question her silence.

"Severus?"

"Yes?"

"Why were you at The Three Broomsticks?"

He gave one soft chuckle.  
"It was late and you weren't back in the castle, so I went to look for you."

"That's sweet... and a bit creepy."

"It is, isn't it? Fortunately for you, it was not on my own sweet or creepy volition that I came for you, but Minerva's. She sent me looking for you. Three of you are her own little lion cubs, don't forget."

"Oh", Hermione said, and it surprised her that she was disappointed.

Then she smiled.

"Lion cubs... that's cute. A baby snake is called a snakelet you know? Isn't that just ridiculous? Is that what you call your Slytherins?  _Snakelets?_ "

"Definitely not."

"What do you call them?"

"Little arseholes, mostly."

She felt the call of sleep and rubbed her eyes. She wanted to stay awake with him for a little while longer. She moved her body, pulling herself up in the armchair in the hope that the position would delay the inevitability of the night.

"Severus?"

"Yes, Hermione?"

"Are we safe?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, and he moved closer to her, transfiguring again like he had before, a stool; this time it seemed to appear as if from nothing.

"Will  _You Know Who_  attack again before we're ready to fight him?"

"Possibly."

"Do you still think he'll go for the school, first?"

"Last time, he moved in on the ministry first. He did not want to, but he was seen when he tried to get the prophecy. You were there, I believe? He will not make that mistake again. From what I have gathered, he will strike here first without warning. A lot of powerful wizards work here. Dumbledore is here. It makes sense to make short work of them before moving into the open. It's been six years since he returned to his body and showed himself. It had been three since his last attack on the school. He spent years in waiting before and he is biding his time again. He strengthens his army and we tighten our defences. He is fairly sure that he could defeat us now but he will not try until he is  _certain_  that he cannot lose."

"I'm scared", Hermione said, and she felt the cold hand of Severus Snape drop into hers.

The pink cloud draped itself around her shoulders as he cradled her hand, and then clutched it tightly.

"I understand", he said. "I too, sometimes, feel... that way."

Hermione rested her head back on the chair and they sat together in comfortable silence. She broke it moments later.

"Severus?"

"... Yes, Hermione?"

"When you said before that you knew something about having a broken heart..."

"... Yes?"

"It was Lily, wasn't it? She is the reason for your broken heart."

Snape's eyes widened.  
"What makes you say-"

"Slughorn", Hermione said. "Slughorn said that he thought you were in love with her; that she was the only person you were ever fond of.. And you said that you'd had your heart broken. I know that you hated Harry's dad and you definitely don't like Harry, yet Dumbledore trusts you to protect him. I just sort of, figured it out. He killed her - Voldemort - that's why you turned your back on him... right? That's why you risk your life for Harry... because you loved his mother? You loved Lily..."

Snape's gaze was fixed to the floor. When she caught his eye, she saw both surprise and what looked like devastation.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"No", he said, "it's... it is fine, I suppose. You're right, of course. Maybe you are the brightest witch of her age. Yes, I was in love with her. Perhaps I still am in a way..."

Hermione felt a stab of irrational jealousy in the pit of her stomach.

"Nobody can know", he said with a voice so gentle and so imploring, that it concerned her.

"But if you just told The Order, then perhaps they would be less inclined to distrust you? If they knew your motivations-"

"They wouldn't understand. Nor does it particularly change anything."

"It changes everything, Severus?"

He shook his head, solemnly.  
"No, Hermione. It changes nothing. I loved her, yes. We were friends and I care deeply for her still,  _yes_. But it does not change the facts. I still destroyed our friendship; I still fell in with death eaters. I still went to them, thinking that it would make her respect me, if she could not love me. I still heard Trelawney's prophecy and relayed it to The Dark Lord. I still begged him to spare her life - only her Hermione, not Potter or the boy - I still sent him, though unintentionally, to her door.  _I_  am the reason that she is dead. That changes nothing. Harry has no parents because I chose to tell The Dark Lord what I knew. I hardly took the time to even contemplate what telling him what I knew would mean. If I had... if I'd known... If I thought he would..."

His voice broke, and Hermione moved forward in the chair. She patted his hand gently.

"You were young..." she said.

"I was not much younger than you are now, and you are sharp and focused and  _good_. Age is no excuse because there  _are_  no excuses. If he had not gone after Lily, I do not know if I would ever have switched sides. That frightens me. I did not care what harm The Dark Lord meant to do until he meant to do harm to someone  _I loved_. That is not a good man. That is not a noble person. I will never be a hero-"

"Maybe you don't have to be a hero?"

"What do you mean?"

Hermione sighed.  
"Perhaps it's okay to simply be a man who once made horrible decisions, who once did awful things, and is trying to make amends..."

"Do you think so? Do you really think there is anything I could possibly do right to make up for a wrong of such magnitude? I could never make amends to Lily for what I did."

"Probably not, no - but over two decades in opposition to the man who killed her; protecting her son in her memory... that seems like a good start."

She wrapped her fingers around his.  
"Look, I'm tired and I'm perhaps still a little drunk, so if you want to talk about it tomorrow I'll be able to explain myself much better."

"No, that's quite alright. I thank you though," he said, warmly. "You make perfect sense, even in this state."

Hermione dropped her head to her shoulder, closing her eyes.  
"Severus?"

"Yes, Hermione?" his voice was thick with a smirk.

She could hear it - tell that his face was smug - even with her eyes closed.

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

He took a quick breath before he answered.  
"You said... before, if you recall it, that you need me. It's been a long time since I have been needed."

"Is that the only reason?"

Snape took another breath- longer and deeper than before.  
"I say this only because I am not entirely sure you will remember it when you wake. But you are the first person in two decades to show me kindness. I have a sarcastic agreement of friendship with Minerva and a respectful understanding with Dumbledore. I even have a mutual professional relationship with Slughorn. But  _you_ , Hermione, you have been open with me and kind and... well, I appreciate it. I wasn't born to be a cruel man, but I did become one. Maybe I could, in another life..."

And that was the last Hermione had heard before her body had given into the heavy pressure of sleep's embrace. She had woken with a blanket draped across her knee. There was a bucket by her feet and a glass of water next to a bottle of Pepperup Potion on the table to her side. Tied to the neck of the vial was a scrawled note that read - "drink these, you'll need them".

It was so small a gesture, but he had cared for her. She smiled as Snape entered the room. He tucked his long hair behind his ear, and sat on the bed.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Surprisingly well", she said. "Thank you".

He nodded stiffly and there was a thickness to the air between them. Hermione thought she understood. His behaviour last night had been entirely out of character for him; she imagined he hardly knew how to act this morning. He had responded to her distress as though by instinct in the cover of darkness but in the harsh light of the morning, there was nowhere to hide. That was something she could understand. The evening and its shadows allowed you to be whoever you needed to be to free yourself of your self-imposed shackles. You just had to be able to face yourself in the morning. She imagined Snape had many self-imposed shackles. He was so tightly buttoned into his costume that she wondered if he could breathe. She too wore a mask - she marched around the castle like she was whole and in charge of herself, but someone only needed to look a little closer to realise that she was not coping well within the new world order.

She watched Severus busy himself with a stack of papers on his desk and enjoyed the momentary illusion that maybe they were no longer alone in the world.


	5. Unbreakable

**5\. UNBREAKABLE**

"Well I feel like three-headed dog shit", Lavender said as she buttered her toast.

Hermione sat as she did most mornings, at the back of the great hall, with the other trainees. Their table was behind the teachers' table, raised just high enough on a platform to see above the array of tall and pointed hats. Many of the students who, with Hermione, had been a member of Dumbledore's Army, were now working for The Order of The Phoenix. There were some like Lavender Brown, Katie Bell and Susan Bones who were working in the infirmary, learning healing magic. Many like-minded others had set out for St. Mungo's to learn to become healers, but for those like Hermione's friends, they were doing their bit for The Order, here at Hogwarts.

Some, like Hermione, were training to fill vacated or soon to be vacant positions. The first Battle of Hogwarts in her seventh year had killed off many a talented teacher. And others, old or injured, simply didn't feel up for the job anymore. Parvati Patil had returned to work under Professor Trelawney. Trelawney had foreseen her own violent death if she remained in the position of Divination Teacher for much longer, and so it had been she who had first approached the ministry, to demand that the younger generation be trained to take their place if such a time came. The decree had come through almost immediately.

Angelina Johnson sat in the place where Madam Hooch had once sat; a casualty of the First Battle of Hogwarts. Neville Longbottom sat in the chair that once belonged to Pomona Sprout, who had so nearly survived. He glanced up at Hermione and smiled. She nodded at him, kindly. He was so busy these days; he hardly had a spare moment for her. She understood, of course, that he had classes to teach and ingredients to grow. He had to send them to the hospital wing, Shell Cottage, and to Slughorn in the Potions office. Occasionally he would leave notes for Hermione saying 'hopefully catch up soon' or 'hope Snape isn't doing your head in'. He had become so over-encumbered with work, that he'd had to hire an apprentice  _and_  an assistant. Just graduated Dennis Creevey sat at the far right side of the table next to another recent graduate - a Hufflepuff student that Hermione didn't know. Hermione sat on the left with Lavender, Katie and Susan. Life had thrown her friends and old classmates all across the country. And by ' _life'_  Hermione realised, she meant  _Albus Dumbledore._

The Order had needed new members, and so everyone was tasked with recruiting someone they could trust. Lee Jordan would later recruit his father, Katie Bell and Alicia Spinett to The Order. Ron would find the Patil twins and induct them into the fold. Hermione would bring Susan Bones, Lavender Brown and Cho Chang on board. Lavender convinced her parents. Cho quietly brought in her teammates on the Tornados. Ginny Weasley encouraged Dean Thomas, who in turn recruited his best friend Seamus Finnegan and Seamus' mother. Luna Lovegood secretly brought onside dozens of witches and wizards who had been loyal to her father, through a cryptogram in The Quibbler. Harry Potter would be the one to recruit the centaurs, who they had not managed to get on side last time. Hagrid persuaded the acromantulas; another unlikely ally they could not get to fight with them in the first battle. Arthur Weasley had to be told that  _no he could not!_ put an advert seeking able-bodied fighters in the muggle newspaper, no matter how badly he wanted to. The crowd of The Order was a young one, which only served to remind them all that many of their predecessors were dead.

As the leader of The Order of the Phoenix, Albus had become, by all rights, the leader of the opposition. Though Voldemort had failed in his first attempt to destroy Hogwarts and gone into hiding once more, Dumbledore had made it perfectly clear to all those he trusted, that he would not stay away forever. It was Severus Snape who had confirmed this with words straight from The Dark Lords' mouth.

* * *

_3 Years Earlier_  
One month after The First Battle of Hogwarts  
Shell Cottage

Hermione sat in a transfigured armchair in the living room of Shell Cottage. To her right was her boyfriend, Ron Weasley and to her left, her best friend Harry Potter. This was how it had always been, the three of them together, all through their years of schooling. They had been through so much together but the hardest by far had been The Battle of Hogwarts. So many people had died; they counted their lucky stars that they got to be here together in the safety of this secret kept house. Bill had learnt from the mistakes of Harry's parents and become his own secret keeper, and so there was not a safer place on earth, Hermione thought. In the room with her were the remaining - and new - members of The Order of the Phoenix.

Remus and Tonks were cooing over their blue-haired baby boy on the cream leather sofa. Kingsley Shacklebolt sat in front of the child and he flicked his wand, swinging a little paper dove back and forth like a pendulum much to Teddy's amusement. Angelina Johnson, a new recruit, sat with her new husband, George Weasley, at her side. He had lost his twin, his other half, and he looked the worse for wear for it. They had not wanted to wait to be married. Life was so painfully short, after all. Lee Jordan perched on the arm of the sofa beside George. He had joined The Order shortly before the first battle, along with Fred and George.

Arthur and Molly Weasley stood behind the sofa, chatting with Aberforth Dumbledore, each with a cup and saucer in their hands, while Fleur Weasley bustled about beside them, laying out food and reheating it with a graceful flourish of the wand. Hestia Jones and Minerva McGonagall chatted in the doorway. Rubeus Hagrid, Charlie Weasley and Horace Slughorn - another new recruit - talked about dragons and other rare magical creatures, each holding a glass of Firewhiskey. Ginny Weasley sat on the floor with her back to Harry's legs. Neville sat to Ginny's left, his hand in Luna's by way of comfort. Her father was in St. Mungo's; a casualty of the war and Neville knew better than anyone what it was like to have parents who lived but were not present.

All of them had lost so many friends, family members and loved ones, and they clung to his bit of normality in the wake of such grief. It seemed that the worst of it was over, so why had Dumbledore summoned them here under these circumstances? Why were they to arrive in the dead of night? Why were they to tell nobody outside The Order? Hermione, Harry and Ron, as well as Ginny, Luna and Neville had all been officially inducted shortly after Sirius' death. The only person who did not see it fit that they join was their mother Molly Weasley. Because she was mother to all of them, wasn't she? Even to Luna and Neville who she did not know well. She had opened her arms to these orphans in the way she had opened her arms to Harry and Hermione. All four of them were without parents. Eventually, however, Molly too had conceded that they had done more to face and fight Voldemort than any of them had. With the exception, of course, of Severus Snape, who went between two 'masters' when he was required, to great personal sacrifice. Still he was distrusted by The Order. It was only Dumbledore who would stake his life on Snape's loyalty. And so it was Dumbledore who relayed the news.

"I suppose you wonder why I have called you here, under cloak and dagger?" Dumbledore asked and they each nodded, saying nothing. "I said in the wake of the battle at Hogwarts that Lord Voldemort was gone but not forever. It seems that I was not mistaken. I have it on good authority that the Lord Voldemort has gone into hiding but that he has called those he calls Death Eaters to his side. Many have remained loyal, unfortunately. In fact, I believe that the majority of them still stand with him. The only exceptions I am aware of are the Malfoys who have fled the country and-"

"On whose authority do you have this information, Albus?"

The cynical voice was that of Aberforth Dumbledore, who it seemed, still didn't think too highly of the way his brother conducted himself.

"Mine", hissed Severus Snape, who had appeared in the doorway behind McGonagall and Jones- the latter of whom jerked forward in fright and spilt her tea.

"Of course", Harry muttered under his breath.

Hermione elbowed him in the ribs and flashed him a look of deepest irritation.

"Anyway", Dumbledore continued. "He is not gone; he bides his time until he is ready to strike again. This could be months away but more likely it will be years until he has an army big enough to try again. And mark my words, he  _will_  try again."

"And you believe this because Snape says so?" Harry said, unable to keep the disdain from dripping out his mouth.

"Yes, Potter", Severus snapped, " _I_  say so. And I know it to be true. The fire in the dark mark pulsed just three days ago and it is still black on my arm. If he was gone it would have faded. He called to us, and so we went to him. If I sh- "

"Whip it out then, Snape!" Ron interrupted with a whoop.

Hermione's eyes bored into the side of Ron's head before he turned to face her and blanched under the severity of her stare. She had about had it with these two boys. Because that's what they had reverted to in the last month- children. Something in the freedom from danger had changed them. Hermione caught Severus' eyes and urged him to go on, even though the prickle of his stare was like a thousand stinging hexes. The bat-like figure moved past McGonagall and Jones in a flurry of darkness and stepped into the centre of the room to address them all.

"He has is making plans to first infiltrate the ministry by stealth and then to attack Hogwarts again by force. When he has defeated you, he will move into-"

"Hang on.  _When_  he defeats us?"

"Yes, Potter. That is his plan.  _When._ He will not strike again until he is ready. Do you understand me? He has been fooled by a few good wizards, a bunch of house elves, one pitifully gormless giant, a-"

"Hey now!" Hagrid protested.

Snape repeated, his voice thick with impatience.  
" _One gormless giant..._ and a gaggle of school children. Do you really think that he wants to be humiliated in such a way again?"

"No."

"Right, then Potter", Snape spat.

He turned back to face Dumbledore.  
"You should continue, Headmaster. I don't think they will like what we have to say and so it is better they hear it from you."

Dumbledore nodded kindly  
"I believe Severus. He  _will_  return. I knew that he would not stay hidden, just as he could not do so before. The call of power is too strong for him to ignore. This time, I believe, as Severus has stated, that he will infiltrate the ministry. There he will have access to the dementors and a host of clueless witches and wizards for him to imperius."

"Then we should warn them!" Harry snapped.

"I am afraid that we cannot, Mister Potter. If we tell them, then we lose our best weapon against Lord Voldemort.  _The element of surprise_."

Dumbledore allowed The Order members to mutter a moment, before silencing them.

"I think that the best course of action is to fool Lord Voldemort into a false sense of security. I want him to believe that we think we have won. I want us to hold a victory party, this weekend, a month exactly to the date. He needs to think we are vulnerable to attack because we do not suspect one. We do not know who we can trust except the people in this room, and I would venture, the children who joined young Mister Potter in, so called, Dumbledore's Army. I believe they are now old enough to fight, if they so wish. That said, I want each and every one of us to go about our business as usual."

He smiled politely as the muttering began to rise back up. Then, again, he silenced them.  
"Does anyone disagree?"

Nobody said anything. Even Aberforth and Harry sat quietly.

"Does anyone have any questions?"

A surge of voices from all around the room talking over one another, frantically caused the little Teddy Lupin to erupt into tears. Lupin took his son from his wife's arms and cradled him. The sound of the baby's cry brought everybody back to the room and again, they fell silent.

"One at a time perhaps", Dumbledore said.

It was Lupin who spoke up first.  
"So, you would like us to carry on our lives as normal, and we do what? Nothing?"

Dumbledore's response was undercut quickly by Ron.  
"I don't know about you but I can't sit around on my arse, waiting for shit to hit the fan", Ron said. "I've already lost one brother to Voldemort; I'm not going to lose another because we didn't do anything. Is that really what-"

Another voice interrupted his speech; Minerva McGonagall.  
"I trust the headmaster. I imagine that he has something planned; some trick hidden up his sleeve. You do, don't you, Albus?"

Every face in the room shot to Dumbledore to await his response.  
"Right", he said "I will answer each question in due time. For now, however... To answer your question Remus... I would ask that you carry on your lives as normal and for the most part, yes, I want you to do nothing.  _You, in particular,_  have something far more important to tend to than Lord Voldemort. You hold in your arms a reason to lay low."

Albus moved backwards, and held his hands tightly as though comforting himself.  
"I must confess something... Before this battle, I was foolish. I did not trust you all as you deserved to be trusted. I had information that could have saved people, I'm sure of it. Yet the only people I had dared to give any of it to, are Severus, and Harry here. I thought that I was learning from the unfortunate mistake of his parents - our dear friends, James and Lily - I thought that because they had put their faith in the wrong person, that I should put my faith in nobody, except those who I knew were so devastated by their deaths that-"

Snape shot Dumbledore a harrowing glare and Albus swallowed.  
"Never mind", he said "... So many people have died in the name of the fight against Lord Voldemort; I will not have anyone else die because I failed to trust you. So know now, that each and every person in this room has my complete and earnest trust. I hope that you will give it to each other. You will all need to learn occlumency and master it. There is not a person in this room, save perhaps for little Teddy, that I believe cannot do it, and do it well."

"Pfft!"

"Yes even you, Hagrid. You are _all_ , each of you, capable witches and wizards. You must learn to protect your mind, and what you know, in case we are not able to convince Lord Voldemort that we are not readying ourselves for a fight. If you are suspected, you will be questioned. I also fear, I should add, that you could well be tortured for information, if someone thinks that you have it to give. So I warn you now, that we must  _all_  be dedicated to convincing the world that we believe we have won the war, when in reality we have just won a single battle... If you wish to leave - if you do not want to carry this responsibility - then you are more than welcome to. Not a soul here will judge you."

Not a single person moved from their place.

"I will give you time to think", Albus said.

"What is there to think about?" Harry asked. "Every single person in this room has given something of their life already to fight him! We are here because we know the risks."

Dumbledore stepped forward and his emerald robes swished around his ankles.  
"I understand Mister Potter; however it is unfair to expect everyone to make this decision so quickly. It is not to be made lightly. Therefore I will give all of you the night to think on it. I need you to know that what I intend to tell you is knowledge that Voldemort would kill us all for having. I will ask you, therefore, to make an unbreakable vow..."

The room fell to absolute silence.  
"... You are under no pressure at all to take it. You will, if you wish, remain trusted members of The Order even if you do not choose to take the vow. However, there is information I have that is so sensitive, that I would expect that you would die before revealing it. But!"

Dumbledore cracked a smile.  
"To answer Minerva's question. I do indeed have a trick up my sleeve and if I am correct, it will lead finally to the defeat of Lord Voldemort, once and for all. And he will, much to his dismay and our triumph, finally  _die_. It is this information that I will give you."

His face fell once more.  
"For those who choose to take the vow, we will all be bound by it. I too, will take it. Again, I reiterate. If you choose not to take the vow, you will still be Order members and you will still be trusted by every person here. Now. Go. Return here after sunset tomorrow. Sleep well, all of you. And please, think long and hard before you make your decision."

Many of The Order returned the next morning to take the vow. For Hermione, Harry and Ron there had been no question. Whatever it was that Dumbledore knew, they needed to be in on it as well. They had not come this far to be kept out of the inner circle now. Everyone who had been present the night before arrived shortly thereafter with the exception of Neville Longbottom, Nymphadora Tonks, Horace Slughorn, Angelina Johnson, Hestia Jones and Aberforth Dumbledore. Ginny - and of course, Teddy - had been excluded immediately because she was not yet of age. Ginny loathed being lumped in with a baby. She took Teddy in her arms, and sat on the staircase while the  _grownups_  took their vow.

Dumbledore took to the centre of the living room again, as he had the day before and encouraged the others to stand in front of him, one at a time, and make their vow, not to Albus himself, but to Harry. First, he turned to Severus.

"You are aware that I don't need to take a vow, Albus? If The Dark Lord or any of his supporters find out that I know about the... about  _this secret_ , and I have not told him, then I will surely die anyway. And since I  _already_  know and I have  _not_  told him..."

"Then you may as well take the oath, Snape", Remus said gently.

Snape sneered and looked Remus up and down. Then he looked at Harry and his eyes rolled and he exhaled sharply. He looked as though he considered saying something, but then snapped his mouth shut and turned back to the headmaster. Harry held out his arm, and Severus took it, grabbing his wrist a little more tightly than he needed to.

"Go on..."

Dumbledore cleared his throat.  
"Will you, Severus, keep the secret that I will share in this room regarding Lord Voldemort and the way in which we can destroy him?"

"I will."

"And will you, to the best of your ability protect us... never letting it be known to anyone that we, The Order of Phoenix, know of this secret?"

"I will."

"And should it prove necessary, will you submit to pain, insanity or even death before revealing it?"

"I will."

Each, in turn, took their vow to Harry; Harry made his to Dumbledore. They sat in a sombre quiet, none willing to say the first word. It was Dumbledore, who finally spoke.

"Mister Weasley", he said, in an animated fashion that spooked a couple of those present. "To answer your question yesterday... No! I don't imagine that you will be able to - how did you so elegantly phrase it? -  _sit around on your arse._  Quite rightly not. You will all want to do your bit and so you shall. However I cannot afford for any of you to appear missing from your regular life. I do not want Lord Voldemort to have even a smidgen of suspicion that we are on to him. Do you not think that it would be a little concerning to Lord Voldemort if members of The Order vanished and showed up in Romania?"

"Why would we show up in Romania?" Ron asked, sceptical.

"Because, Mister Weasley, we will be searching."

Harry sat forward in his chair and put his hand on Ginny's shoulder. He squeezed it. Ron, in a show of support, placed his hand on Hermione's knee.  
"Professor, what is the secret? What are we searching for?" Harry asked.

Dumbledore quickly glanced at Snape and then his eyes met Harry's.  
"Horcruxes, Mister Potter."

Harry's stare was blank as he awaited further explanation. Hermione, however, did not require any.  
"That's how he's still alive then?" Hermione asked, "... because he can't die?"

"Oh he can die, Miss Granger," Snape said, his words thick with venom. "And he will."

"You intend to kill him".

It was a statement, not a question. Hermione could see the truth in his black eyes. Snape gave a whisper of a nod in response.

"According to the prophecy,  _I_  have to be the one to kill him, Snape", Harry said, coldly.

"I know all too well about the  _prophecy_ , Mister Potter."

He spat the word 'prophecy' as though it tasted bitter in his mouth.

"But you are not the only one with a grudge against The Dark Lord." Snape continued. "I, perhaps as much as you, have reason to wish him dead. If I have an opportunity, you had better believe I will take it."

"He killed my parents!" Harry snapped. "He's tried to kill me multiple times. He is the reason Fred is..."

Nobody had dared say it yet.  _Dead._

"You're his most trusted spy, aren't you, Snape?" Harry mocked. "What could he possibly have done to you that is worse than what he has done to us?"

"I hardly believe it is any of your business. Suffice it to say, Potter; I have much unkindness to repay."


	6. Friendly Fire

**6\. FRIENDLY FIRE**

Severus moved through the door to his quarters in a broken stupor. Hermione glanced over at the door where Snape stood and her eyes flew open as he clutched his chest and dropped to his knees. She moved quickly and silently to where he crouched like a wounded bear, throwing herself down to his level and putting her hands around him to steady him. She heard his breath grow faster. He was afraid. She knew that she would not want her - or anyone - to see him in a state of fear and so she did not address it. He had said he was scared, yes, but he had never been one to show it.

"I've got you."

"I'm fine" he hissed.

"No you're not", Hermione said, as the full extent of his injuries became plainer as he stepped into the candlelit room.

The dark fabric of his cloak had hidden the worst of the damage, and Hermione felt a frightened pain like a shard of glass rip through her body. She walked him over towards the brown, leather wing-back armchair in which she had slept the night before. His breath hitched; seething every time his chest rose and wincing as it fell.

"You're okay, you're okay" she soothed, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear, "let me look at you."

Hermione brushed a tear from his cheek with her thumb and inspected the cuts to his face. She traced a finger gently across the edge of a particularly nasty laceration and he hissed under her touch. She pulled her hand back quickly with an apologetic flinch. She urged him closer still to the chair. When she moved her hands away they were soaked red and her face drained of all its colour.

"Severus... There's so much blood."

Her voice was just above a whisper.

"Not all of it is mine."

The simple act of conversation seemed to exhaust him. Hermione helped to lower him into the armchair, trying to allow him to do as much as he was able for himself. She may have seen a softer side to Severus Snape recently, but he was still a proud man. She allowed him to take the lead. He slumped into the chair and sat quite still, as Hermione nursed him. She cleared her throat and spoke plainly; hoping that the exchange she knew would follow would be as painless as possible.

"I'm sorry", she said, "you're really not going to like this but I need to take off your robes. I need to see exactly where you are hurt."

His eyes widened and his eyebrows came together.

"No", he said, in pathetic protest.

"Okay", she said with understanding, and a little defiance, "then do it yourself."

Snape lifted his arm to unbutton his robes. Hermione stood watching him. He scowled and gestured severely with a jerk of the head that she was to turn away from him.

"Sorry", she said, "tell me if you need me."

"Unlikely" he muttered.

She heard a flutter of brushing fabric and imagined that he was moving his arms carefully. He whimpered, and she heard him lift himself up and pull the cloak from under his body. He let out a frustrated groan.

"I need help", he said, miserably. "It's all these blasted buttons".

Hermione rushed over and pulled them apart with ease. Under his robes was a black button down shirt. She unfastened each one, exposing the frosty flesh of his chest, careful not to touch any of the wounds. The more of his clothing she removed, the more she found. Old silver scars, long healed; pink lines and grazes of healing and the ones that frightened her: the open, red cuts that furrowed deep into his skin. She tugged the shirt off his arms and felt her resolve betray her as tears formed and fell. Severus put his hands up in protest, as Hermione unbuckled his belt. She looked at him defiantly and he grimaced.

"I'm just trying to help."

She pulled his belt open and stepped back.  
"I'll leave you now."

He nodded. The trace of his scowl fading.

"Pass me... my wand", he said, between jagged breaths.

Hermione reached and grabbed the wand from where it had fallen at the side of the chair. She stepped away from him and turned her back. She walked towards his bed.

"Vulnera Sanentur" he sang, "Vulnera Sanentur, Vulnera Sanentur"

She snapped her head towards him, then realising her betrayal, turned her back to him.  
"Sectumsempra?"

It was one of his own, and a damn violent one. Of course, the other Death Eaters would have learned it.

"And crucio", he said.

Hermione sagged in her misery. Snape let out a sigh of relief, which Hermione took to mean that the wounds were healing. She kept her back to him, but turned her head just a fraction, so that she was looking towards him but not  _at_  him.

"Who did this to you?"

"Rodolphus and..." his voice cracked as he said, "... and Bellatrix."

Snape groaned in pain or misery, and Hermione felt a physical pang of deepest sorrow in her chest.

"I need a healing draught", he said.

Grateful to be of help, Hermione jumped up scanned his shelves. Locating one, she came back to him and handed him the potion. The cuts on his chest had closed, but his body was still bruised and grazed. He covered his body with his arms.

"Don't look at me", he said .

"Sorry. I wasn't- I want to speak with you. I will only look at your face, I promise."

"Okay."

Hermione sat at the side of his chair, with her side up against the arm. She twisted to turn her face to his. Just his face, as promised. Snape drank the potion and slumped back with relief.

"What happened?"

"I upset the Lestranges", he said with a shrug as though upsetting the Lestranges was a common occurrence and often received such retaliation.

Hermione knew that he wasn't ready, might never be ready, to give her details of what happened at the Lestranges' Manor. She noticed that his split lip had reopened as he spoke. She unconsciously turned to him and put her hand to his lips. She ran her thumb across to catch the droplet of blood that threatened to fall onto his chin. She traced the severity of his jaw with her fingers and his hair prickled beneath them. Severus closed his eyes and inhaled gently, before snapping his eyes open and furrowing his brow.

She dropped her hand, as though scalded.

"Sorry", she said.

"Don't be".

His mouth curved into an almost smile, and he winced as his lips cracked. Hermione dropped her gaze to the floor.

"I want to help."

"You have", he said, and covered her hand with his.

"You should rest", she said.

Severus pulled himself off the armchair, trudged across the room and lowered himself onto the bed with great difficulty. He winced as he moved the covers onto his body. Hermione curled up in the chair Severus had vacated, propped her feet up, and settled down. She had recently spent a few nights in this chair, in Severus' rooms. She could have transfigured herself a bed or even a sofa to sleep on, but she had chosen to curl up in the warmth of what she knew to be his favourite chair; he hadn't stopped her. The first night she had stayed because she had fallen asleep there after her night out with Lavender, Katie and Susan. Yet she had stayed other nights because they had spent the evening going over Potion theory, and she hadn't wanted to leave.

Severus looked over at her, and his dropped his eyebrows.

"You don't have to stay."

"I don't know that it'd be wise to leave you unattended."

"Quite."

She gently cleared the lump in her throat.  
"Would you like me to go?"

"No", he said, and whispered "N _ox_ " plunging them into darkness.

Hermione woke to the sound of whimpers. She pulled her wand from her pocket as she sprang to her feet and unconsciously said " _Lumos_ ". Light filled the room, illuminating Snape- his arms clung to his sheets, pinning them to his body, which shook beneath them.

"You're cold?" she asked.

Stupid question, she thought, as he convulsed and shivered before her. Hermione placed the back of her hand to his head. His skin burned her.

"You need the hospital wing!"

"No!" he snapped.

She looked at him puzzled.

"No. Dumbledore-"

"You want me to get Dumbledore?"

"No!"

"I don't understand what you need Severus."

"I will live", he managed to groan.

"Maybe not if you have an infection!"

Snape muttered something under his breath and turned his trembling body so that his back was to her. Hermione grabbed the thick woolen blanket she'd been using to cover herself and draped it over him. She uttered a heating charm, above his chest and in spite of the severity of the situation, she was proud of herself as his shaking body started to still. He was able to speak more clearly then, but he kept his back firmly to her.

"I don't want to see Pomfrey, because I don't want to see Dumbledore."

"Why?" she asked, unable to keep the judgment from her voice.

"Because I don't", he snapped. "Get in."

"What?"

"Get in the fucking bed, Granger", he said. "I'm sick of seeing you crumpled up into that little chair, so unless you're going to transfigure yourself a bed, get the fuck in. Just keep your back to me".

"Erm, I don't-"

"Get in or get out!"

She pulled open the sheets. Severus lay bare underneath. Lumos highlighted the plains of his back. His shoulder blades were sharp edges that jutted against the pale skin. She caught herself, but not before Snape did.

"Get in", he said, but to her surprise his voice was gentle and she thought she caught the tail end of a chuckle.

She climbed in next to him and felt the warmth of the heating charm. She leant back into it, in turn leaning into his body.

Severus tossed in his sleep, caught between hot flashes and chills. Hermione rolled onto her back in an attempt to make herself more comfortable. A pang of panic hit her when she realised that he had kicked the blankets from his body, leaving him exposed before her. Her panic quickly turned to delight as she took in the sight of him.  _All_  of him. She looked for longer than she should, she knew, but she couldn't help herself. She looked up then, to make certain that he was asleep; afraid and electrified at the prospect of being caught in this act. His eyes were tight shut. Even in his sleep, he scowled, as if the worried lines in his face were so deeply ingrained that in a relaxed state, his face naturally fell to where it was most comfortable.

It was funny, she thought, that she had looked at his face so many times before - every day for the last few months - and never noticed that she really liked what she saw. Of course, she had begun to found him less severe than she'd anticipated- almost charming. She had learned that he was interesting and, on occasion, sympathetic and generous. His sarcastic wit, she had come to appreciate, as being truly funny. She had found him unintentionally inviting. She had considered what he might look like under all the black cloth. She had  _thought_ about him. It had been his manner though, that had intrigued her, never his looks. Yet as she took in his harsh features, she realised that 'harsh' meant strong. In this light, as he slept, 'strong' meant striking.  _Almost_ , she thought,  _beautiful._ She remembered the light in the darkness of his eyes the first time she saw him smile.  _Yes_ ,  _he is quite remarkable._

Severus' eyes fluttered open, almost as if he had heard her thoughts. Was he such an accomplished Legilimens that he could read minds in his sleep? His eyebrows shot up and his mouth dropped open. He was frozen on the bed, aware of his nakedness. Hermione felt a flush of guilt and kept her eyes locked on his, blinking rapidly, and faking a yawn, willing it to seem as though she too had only just awoken.

"You okay?" she asked, with a voice that she was grateful to find was steady - but suitably dry with fatigue - and broke their silence.

Severus nodded, and pulled the sheets over his body, without dropping his gaze. Once the moment had passed, they both lay on their backs, staring at the ceiling. She felt his hand drop to her side- his fingers inadvertently grazed hers.

"How are you feeling? You look much better."

"Awful", he said, "but yes, ultimately better than last night."

"I'm glad. The healing potion seems to have done its job."

"Yes."

Hermione put her hand again close to his, expecting him to snatch away. Instead, he took her hand in his and spoke with peculiar sincerity.  
"Thank you. I am grateful for what you did."

She didn't know why she did it, but Hermione rested her head on Snape's shoulder. He let out a sigh that sounded part exasperated, part pleased. She chose to focus on the latter. Hermione fell asleep as she was, and woke hours later with Severus still beside her. She rolled onto her side and looked at him, surprised to see that he was awake.

"Good morning", he said, and then scowled. "Could I have my arm back?"

Hermione blushed and detached herself from Severus. He stepped out of his bed, wrapping himself in the blanket and Hermione made a show of averting her eyes. She had to fight to keep her thoughts clean and her focus on the ceiling. She ran her tongue across her teeth, one by one, and counted them; anything to keep her distracted while he dressed.

"Are you staying for breakfast?" he asked, as he buttoned his trousers.

"If you'd like?"

"'Like' is strong", he said, "but I could grin and bear it."

* * *

Hermione pelted towards the crumbling body of Severus Snape and she guided him into his rooms, allowing him to care for himself as she had before. She felt the brutal despair of the situation wrap itself around her body as though it was a physical force, constricting her, like a straight jacket.

"What the fuck is happening?" she demanded.

"Stop!"

"Tell me why you come back here every night looking like you've been in a fight with a wild animal!"

"Lestrange is a wild animal!" he yelled, clutching his stomach.

"Let me see", she said.

"Don't touch me!"

"Severus?"

"Please" he begged "don't touch me. I couldn't take it-".

Hermione pulled her hands away.  
"Tell me what happened?" she whispered.

He touched his head with his fingers. When he pulled them away they were stained with blood but Hermione couldn't see from where he was bleeding due to his thick mess of black hair. He slumped into the armchair and sighed.

"Dumbledore asked me to try to get closer to Bellatrix. I have."

"So these cursed wounds are just friendly fire then?" she said, with a sarcastic tone that reminded her of Severus himself.

"Pah! Bellatrix does not want my friendship."

"What does she want then?"

"I don't know exactly."

She frowned.  
"Yes, you do."

Severus sighed.  
"Quite", he said reluctantly.

He arranged his body in armchair, and rolled his neck with a wince. He held his wand aloft and sang as he had before, the counter curse to Sectumsempra. When his pained look of anguish dissipated, he looked at her, and seemed to have decided on the truth.

"You are right... I do know what Bellatrix wants."

"Which is what?"

"Well... of late she has wanted... err... me."

Hermione moved closer to Snape and shifted her feet. She couldn't explain the flash of green fire that beckoned her with a long finger. She was jealous of Bellatrix now, of all bloody people? What in the world was happening to her?

"So, she likes you?" she asked, with a false calm.

"Gods no! She  _wants_ me, not because she is attracted to me. Nothing so preposterous! She wants me because she is bored. And I imagine, because she wants to prove that she can have anything, or anyone, she chooses. It makes her feel powerful. I refused, of course. I have refused these last few nights."

"She's made her intentions clear then, I assume?"

"Yes. She  _intends_  to be my first..."

"Your first  _what_?"

Comprehension dawned on her. Hermione lifted her head. Her lips parted, and she mouthed "Your  _first_?"

He nodded.

"You first, _ever_... romantic partner...?" she said, grimacing as she did.

Snape scoffed.  
"I doubt there will be much romance."

"But...  _how_?"

"Excuse me?"

"How could you be a-"

"You know that I have been in love with the same woman all my life."

"I know, but... bloody hell!"

He scowled.  
"Don't you judge me!"

"I'm not."

His scowl deepened.

"I'm not. I promise, I'm not", she said. "It's just... surprising."

He let out an exasperated puff of air and rolled his eyes at her.

"Oh, sod off!" Hermione said with an air of nonchalance she didn't really feel. "So what do you intend to do about it?"

"I  _intend_  to let her."

Hermione felt the warmth fall from her face; her stomach tied itself in knots.  
"Oh Gods, Severus!"

"It is the only way. She wants me, I want the cup. Win-win."

"I'd hardly call it a win... unless you... want... to?"

Snape's eyes grew furious.

"Of course I don't want to, Hermione. Fucking hell!"

Severus' gaze fell to the floor.  
"I'm sorry... that was rude..."

He cleared his throat, as if readying himself to say something. Hermione felt a lump form in her throat but she couldn't place the origin of her... fear? She wondered. No, not fear. Anticipation.

"Hermione, if you repeat what I am about to tell you, I will vehemently deny it."

"Okay?"

"... I'm scared. I categorically do not want to return there."

Her knotted stomach dropped. Hermione put her hand on his chest.  
"Don't then! Don't go back!"

He rolled his eyes again and Hermione felt a bite of irritation.

"Severus, please!"

"I have to return. I have to get the fucking cup!"

"Can't someone else go?"

"Who would you suggest, Hermione? Who would you send? Who else is stupid enough to walk willingly into the lion's den?"

"Snake pit", Hermione corrected.

Severus chuckled in spite of himself.  
"I have to go, Hermione."

"I hate this."

"As do I."

"Do you have to, you know,  _be_  with her? Isn't there another way?"

"I'm afraid if I don't...  _go to her willingly_ , so to speak..." he shuffled in his chair and recoiled. "I'm afraid that if I don't give her what she wants, that she will snatch it like a thief. I may as well let her have it... me. It will be easier that way."

Hermione's eyes filled with tears. She dropped her head into her hands but not quick enough. The tangles of her hair fell over her face but Severus had seen her tears. She could see it in the draw of his eyebrows, and the downward twitch in his lips.  
"How do you do it?" she asked.

Severus tilted his head.  
"Do what, Hermione?"

"How can you be okay with this?"

"I'm not. It's not okay" Severus said, and shifted a lock of her hair so he could see her face. " _None_  of this is okay. But there is no other way."

"It was hard enough to be okay with you meeting with  _You Know Who_ , but this feels so much worse, Severus?"

"Does it?" he asked, "The Dark Lord is not exactly kind. He hurts us. He tortures us. He assaults us. Even those who are his followers; even his most trusted... I don't know that this is so much worse, Hermione."

She looked at him, both their faces ashen. She wiped her face with the sleeve of her robe.  
"I'm sorry."

Snape's face softened.  
"Whatever for?"

"I'm being ridiculous", she said

"Yes, but I have become quite accustomed to your ridiculousness, if not fond of it."

She smiled, straightened up and caught a glimpse of herself in Snape's looking glass. She shuddered.  
"I look ghastly."

"Nonsense. You are quite lovely."

His eyes narrowed as though he regretted his words; Hermione, on the other hand, felt the swell of excitement in her stomach. Severus looked at himself in the glass and shook his head.

"I'm afraid that the same cannot be said for me, as I have a face that only a mother could love, and alas, even  _she_  did not bother."

He chuckled, but Hermione's eyes were serious.  
"A face to strike fear into young children", he said.

"Rubbish!"

"No, truly. I have a classroom of first years who will confirm it."

Hermione laughed.  
"It's not your face that's terrifying. You're quite striking, really."

"Striking like lightning?" he asked.

"Ha! No. Striking like... strong and-" she paused, considering. "And handsome..."

She felt her cheeks redden.

"You flatter me." he said, " _You lie_ , but I appreciate it nonetheless"

"I'm not ly-"

"I know what I am, Hermione."

She looked at him- his black eyes glistened and she felt a stab of longing. He patted her gently on the shoulder. She couldn't explain the impulse that overcame her but she surrendered to it. She leaned in and made to kiss him. He pulled himself away from her as though she was scalding hot, and her lips clumsily met his cheek.

"Granger!"

The use of her surname wasn't lost on her. He was distancing himself. She was desperate to bridge the gap. She wanted to tell him, show him, that he was desirable. She wanted him to show her that she too could feel loved. Loved by someone who saw her for everything she could be, not just who she had been. The misery of his situation throbbed. He was visibly heavy with the weight of it. She wanted to take it away. She wanted him to take her away. They could escape it together. She moved again to kiss him; he caught it, reciprocating just for a moment, deep and desperate. Then, just as quickly, just as before, he pulled away.

"Don't!" he snapped. "Now you really  _are_  being ridiculous."

His voice came sharp and cut deeper than Sectumsempra. She covered her mouth with her hand, as though she could hide the evidence of her crime. Hermione shifted her weight from one foot to another, and began to pick at her nail bed as she gazed at him. She searched his face for a trace of enjoyment but he stared at her in return, with nothing short of abject horror.

"I should go", she said, as her body drew heavy with shame.

"Hermione?"

"No, you're right. Oh God, I'm ridiculous. Sorry. I'm so sorry."

And with a heavy thud of a closing door, she was gone.


	7. Legilimens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content/Trigger warning for sexual assault. It is not graphic or detailed, but it is both implied and mentioned.
> 
> Anyway, hi! Hope you're having a good day.

**7\. LEGILIMENS**

The next evening, Hermione felt a rush of bravery and stupidity, and made her way to Severus' quarters. If someone had asked, she would not have been able to explain herself; her feet took her as though independent from her body. All she knew was that she wanted to see him. As her breath caught in her throat, she cracked her knuckles, and knocked on his door.

"It's me", she said.

"Give me a moment."

His voice cracked on every syllable, as though he was crying. When he bid her to enter, she could see from the pink burst of blood vessels in his eyes and the pallidness of his skin - paler, if possible, than usual - that she was correct. He sat on his armchair - that damn chair where so many of their conversations and private moments had happened. She wanted to run to him. She wouldn't. She had to lock her knees together to keep her rooted in place.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yes. Fine... I am very tired."

"I can tell you've been crying so you can drop the bullshit. Tell me what happened..."

He opened his mouth and before he could protest, Hermione snapped.

"I'm not asking. This is about Bellatrix, yes?"

Severus adjusted on the chair and tightened his lips as he surveyed her.

"Yes", he snipped; his voice charged with reluctance and irritation - he did not bother to mask either.

"And what happened?"

"I went to her as planned."

"Right... and you slept with her?"

Hermione tried to keep her tone flat and indifferent.

"No", he said. "I thought I could go through with it, but I... well, I couldn't. It was of no consequence, however. I was already there, wasn't I? And she assumed that I was willing and so when I refused again... it wasn't like before. This time she decided that she would take what she wanted, whether I was willing or not. It was a game to her."

"... Oh"

His voice cracked and his black eyes became glassy.  
"She made me undress."

" _Made_ you?"

He pinched the bridge of his nose, and his head drooped; propped up by his fingers.

"Imperio", he said.

"Severus!" Hermione gasped.

He pulled himself back together with determination; drawing his shoulders upright and gritted his teeth.

"She made me touch her. She made me kiss her. She put her hands on me..."

He growled.  
"... She took me in her filthy mouth."

"That's assault, Severus!"

"And Crucio, is what? A hug?"

"It's perverse... It's wrong-"

"They don't think in terms of what is right and wrong, Hermione, they only understand two things - power and hedonism. Having me... in that way... gave her both. When she cast Crucio she enjoyed herself-"

"She cast crucio- when?... Afterwards?"

He did not answer her, but the heavy bow of his head was affirmation enough.

"You can't go back there!"

"I have to."

"What if it happens again?"

"It will."

"So what will you do?"

He straightened his body on the armchair, and dried the tear that fell to his cheek. It was his turn to speak with indifference.  
"I will beg her forgiveness for refusing her and tell her that I that I enjoyed myself; that I have come back for more. I guess I will simply lie back and try to have a good time."

"God, Severus. Don't joke. You don't deserve this."

"I do what I must on Dumbledore's orders."

"Dumbledore's orders?!" she spat. "Does Dumbledore have any idea what his orders are doing to you? Does he realise what he is asking you to do?" Red flashed in Hermione's eyes. "Does he know that you have become Bellatrix's plaything? Does he have even a SINGLE CLUE WHAT HE'S PUTTING YOU THROUGH?!"

"No he doesn't know", he said softly, "and he never will."

Hermione's lips trembled, and her fingers followed.

"I can't stand this. I can't take it..."

She moved closer to him and knelt right at his feet.  
"Please, Severus. Don't let her..."

She placed a hand on each thigh and gently pushed herself up towards his face.  
"... I don't want her to be your first" she said, and felt her eyes betray her once more, as tears stung her. "Let me..."

Snape's body stiffened in his chair.  
"Don't start again with this nonsense."

Hermione felt that dangerous collaboration of courage and recklessness rise in her chest. This time she was determined; she would not run out in tears this time. She would not leave on her own volition. If  _he_  wanted her gone, then well... Hermione didn't want to entertain that possibility.

"I'll be your first" she whimpered.

The sound of her own voice sickened her. She was  _Hermione Granger._  She didn't talk like this; she did not beg. But again the voice came.  
"Please, Severus."

Snape's face darkened. His eyebrows drew together, low and full of sorrow.  
"Why?"

"It's your first time. It shouldn't be like this..."

Hermione looked up at him and her words became dry as parchment, as his expression twisted into one of anger. His voice came hardly more than spittle.

"Don't you fucking pity me!"

"I  _do_  pity you", she said, and her resolve bolstered. "This whole situation is barbaric. It's disgusting, Severus and so I am sorry for you. Is that so terrible?"

"But this", he gestured at all of her, up and down, "what you're offering me, is born of pity. You do not want me. You want to  _save_  me."

"No", she said "that's not true. I  _do_  want you."

"Bullshit!"

She raised her voice in hope that she would make herself clear.  
"I want you!"

Severus pulled away from her and pulled himself out of the chair. He paced the room. He wanted, of course, to thrash about, to show her that he was serious, but he had neither the energy, nor the will to do it. Hermione stood to her feet too, unable to explain why she wasn't willing to back down.

"I can prove it!"

"How?" he sneered.

"You can look, I can show you", she said, and handed him his wand from the bedside table. "See for yourself.  _Legilimens._  See that I want you. Do it!"

"No."

His voice was cold. Hermione didn't care. If he told her to stop, she would. If he said 'no' again, she'd leave. If he told her to get the fuck out, she'd knock his shit over; maybe some valuable potions, or a nice lamp, but ultimately she would oblige.

He stopped pacing and Hermione moved towards him by the bed. He didn't move, his fists were locked in place at his sides. She moved so that she was directly in front of him and then, with a jolt of Gryffindor courage, she placed a hand on his cheek, wrapping her fingers around his jaw, and slipped the other on his chest. His heart rattled inside- pounding like it meant to do her harm.

"Is that fear?" she asked, "...your heart?"

"No", he said, defiantly.

She took one of his hands and put it to her chest. Her heart beat faster, harder, more desperately than even his. She trembled under his touch.  
"Neither is this. It's desire, Severus; anticipation. So is yours."

Severus sneered.

"Tell me you don't want me," she said.

"I  _don't_ want you."

"I don't believe you. We've been skirting around our feelings for weeks. I know that you feel whatever this is between us..."

Snape looked at her, and for a moment she thought she had him- thought he'd given in. He threw his head back and seemed to lose himself. His chest heaved; he wanted her. Gods, it was obvious, he wanted her too. But-

"No!" he barked and yanked up the sleeve of his robes. His arm still connected to her chest, unwilling to let go. He showed her the putrid black mark that pulsed on his forearm. " _This_  is what you are offering yourself to."

Hermione pulled the sleeve back down in anger. She felt bold. He had said 'no', she knew she should back down.  _Stop_ , she told herself, but a greedy voice said  _once more_. She lifted his shirt before he could protest, exposing the scars on his belly.

" _This_ is who I offer myself to", she said.

He tugged his shirt back down and seethed.

"Then it  _is_  pity" he spat.

"No. Not pity!  _I want you_. Your bravery, your self sacrif-"

"You only want me because of circumstance!"

"Is it really so hard for you to believe that I could want you under different circumstances?"

"Yes!"

"Why?"

Hermione's face softened, and quickly tried to disguise it, lest it look anything like pity.

"Because I am this", he said, "and you are..."

"I'm what?"

"Good."

"So are you"

" _And_  you're young.  _And_  beautiful. And  _whole_. You are everything that I am not".

"So you're what? Old and ugly and-"

"Broken" he snapped, "yes!"

"No" she said, defiantly, "no, Severus. Not at all".

"What a joke! That somebody like you would ever want to tie themselves to someone like me, even for a night. I do not deserve it."

"Don't say that."

She searched for the words to make him understand, and failed.

"I deserve the Bellatrix's of the world", he said, with a heavy heart, "and that it what the world has given me."

Hermione shook her head. She pushed her hands onto his chest once more and kissed him again. He didn't stop her, but neither did he kiss her back. She looked at him, and placed her thumb on his lip. She felt sadness ache in her bones.

"Severus", she pleaded and she moved to kiss him again, as she had the night before, except this time, it was different.

 _This_   _time,_  he opened his mouth and returned the kiss. Pushing his tongue past her lips. She moved hers to meet it. Hermione felt herself as though lifted as his chest heaved. And then he did lift her. She wrapped her legs around his waist and her body crashed down on the bed. His heart still hammered behind his ribcage, and she could feel it as  _his_ body came down on hers. Their lips met, and she ran her fingers through the long black curtain of his hair. She moved so that she could get out from under him, and as she sat up, he lay back. His breath was ragged, and all it did was spur her on. She pulled off her shirt, unsure whether he had given the green light for something more. Unsure if she cared. Unsure how alike she and Bellatrix were in this moment. Was she too taking from him like a thief? The cool air brushed against her breasts and she felt her nipples peak. She could pick up the shirt, get off him and leave, she thought.  _She should, shouldn't she?_  Yet she felt that foolish, fearless lion shake its mane in her chest once more and she straddled him.

"Tell me to leave", she said. "Tell me again that you don't want me."  
Hermione watched his eyes drop to her bare breasts and he groaned. He looked back up and met her fiery gaze; daring him to walk away, to send her back to her quarters. She unbuttoned his shirt and took his hand and placed it on her chest again, except this time it was all bare flesh- skin on skin. She put her hand on top of his and moved it softly downwards so that he took a handful of her breast.

"Fuck!" he bellowed and pushed her off him.

Severus stalked around the room again and Hermione fell breathless under his shadow. She sat on the edge of his bed. She knew that she should leave. She wanted to yell at him and storm out but instead, she tucked her legs up under her and wrapped her arms around her knees, frozen in the shame of his rejection.

"You fucking Gryffindors always have to save the day- you have to  _fix_  people. You have hero complexes, the lot of you. So proud you lions are, of your courage. Well this is not courageous, Hermione, it's fucking tragic!"

Hermione's head snapped up. She felt dizzy and heavy from the weight of the day. She didn't want to argue; she couldn't.

"Fine" she shrugged.

"Then we are in agreement?"

"No, we're not. I'm just waiting for you to be done pouting-"

"I'M NOT!"

He winced at the sound of his own voice.  
"I'm not pouting. I just- I do not want you to degrade yourself just because you pity an old fool."

"Oh, piss off! It's not pity, Severus."

"Then what is it you are offering?"

"Distraction. Friendship.  _Comfort_."

Snape opened his mouth to protest but Hermione bulldozed through.

"Jesus, Severus! You're so pig-headed. If you don't want me, that's fine. If I am going too far, I'm sorry; I will go. But if you're just being proud, then you can cut that shit out right away. I want to be with you. I want to take your hardship and share the weight with you. I thought that we could take each other's pain, and  _just for a moment_ quash it under the weight of us. I thought it might ease some of this misery and hurt."

Hermione took a deep breath. She wanted to explain how she felt without burdening him with the responsibility of her feelings. She gestured to the scars on his beautiful chest.

"I'm sorry. I just can't bear the thought of her being the first...  _I_  want to be that for you. Is that such an awful thing to offer?"

Severus blanched; his lips parted, but he did not speak.

"You were right before", she said "I _do_  want to fix this. I want to reach into this darkness and light a candle for you. I am sorry for it. I know it offends you. But I want to fix this, not because  _I feel sorry for you_ , Severus, but because  _I care about you. Y_ ou are simply far too paranoid and stubborn to see it."

It was then that she realised that she was appealing to the Severus Snape before her, when she needed to appeal to the Severus Snape that she knew.

"I want you for selfish reasons, too, make no mistake", she said.

His eyebrows rose - his interest piqued - as if selfish motivations were something he could finally understand.

"I want you because I am greedy and determined and... awoken. I am excited by you; you're all I think about. And you say do not want me. Which is fine... maybe you don't. Except that I think you do and you won't let yourself."

"Hermione, I can't... I don't-"

"It's fine. You don't owe me an explanation. I'm sure you have your reasons. I have embarrassed myself. I'm sorry-"

Severus dropped at her feet, taking her hands in his.  
"No", he said "Gods! No, don't be."

"I have been foolish. I'm sorry."

"No,  _I'm_ sorry, Hermione. Truthfully, I do not mean to hurt you. I certainly don't want to make you feel like a fool- I just... I don't understand. I've never experienced anything like this before. I've had no family to care for me; no lover to console me. I've no friends to reassure me. I have  _nobody_ , Hermione, except Minerva, who is good to me, but she will always keep me at arm's length. There is Albus, who has sent me on this horrid mission so I can hardly look him in the eye. And then there is  _you_ , of course. You have become of great comfort to me. As much as it pains me to admit it, I have come to see you as a true friend. And I understand now that the feeling is mutual. I do not want to take advantage of this situation and do irreparable damage to the only relationship I have that is worth a damn. So... I am reluctant."

"Okay..."

Snape's lips were a straight line.

"... Okay" Hermione repeated, "I'm sorry. I understand."

"I am  _reluctant_ ", he reiterated, "but please do not mistake that for disinterest. I am a desperate man, and you are a beautiful, brilliant woman."

He put his hand on the side of her face and his thumb wiped her tears. He slid his fingers back behind her ear and his large hands closed as though trying to take a possessive handful of her. Talk about mixed signals, Hermione thought as she opened her eyes and looked at him. His eyes were greedy and it sparked a fire in her stomach in spite of herself.

"Please do not feel embarrassed- I feel so very lucky to be the object of your affection tonight - I am truly warm with the idea of it. The thought of being with you is... It's intoxicating, please believe me. But I would only disappoint you. I believe your sentiment is subject to this awful circumstance. I fear you would wake up and regret having taken to bed with a gargoyle- just as hard, just as cold and just as grotesque."

"Is that how you see yourself? That's not who I see."

"Bah!"

"Severus, you can be rude and mean. You are somehow simultaneously as cranky as a man twice your age, and prone to the odd temper tantrum, like a child. All of this is true. But you're also strong and brave and sharp and-"

"I'm ugly."

His voice cracked and his chest shook, and all at once, he was as a child desperate to be loved, and a man who needed to be seen.

"No, Severus. You're not."

Hermione pulled her body upright and placed her legs on the floor. She took his heavy hands and placed them on her bare waist. She lifted his head by the chin and kissed him- a single kiss that she hoped might tell him what she had been trying to say all night, but couldn't word in a way for him to understand.

"I have heard what you have said and still I want you-"

His gaze became a stare and then he kissed her back- hard and furious. He ran his hands up her sides so that they lingered at her chest.

"Hermione?"

"I will still want you tomorrow, just as I wanted you yesterday; just as I want you  _now_. You do not understand what you have done to me-"

He looked uncertain. Hermione's body ached with longing. She could physically feel the absence of his touch. She yearned for him- burning in all the places he could touch her, all the places she was desperate to feel his hands, his mouth, his body. Snape's eyebrows furrowed deeper than she'd ever seen them, lost in a battle of wills between sense and desire. She could feel it. Both metaphorically in the thickness in the air between them, and literally in the hardness of his erection between her legs. He wanted her. All he had to do was let himself.

"Let me show you how much I want you", Hermione said. "I can show you what you do to me, Severus-"

"I shouldn't."

His face was pained. His eyebrows drew together as he took part in a silent battle between decency and desperation.  
"It's not right."

Hermione took his hand to her mouth, and wrapped her lips around his index finger. He groaned, and she felt him twitch beneath her.

"You really want me?" he asked, disbelief caught his throat.

"Desperately."

His chest rose and fell, and his head lolled back. She kissed the taut flesh of his neck. He pulled away and locked his hungry eyes on hers.  
"Fuck it!" he said, snatching his wand from the table. "Show me."

Hermione gathered her thoughts as Severus placed the tip of his wand to her temple. His face was gentle as he waited for her nod of consent.

"Legilimens."

She pushed her thoughts, her memories, towards him. She didn't want him to have to search; she wanted him to see plainly, to understand. She pushed forward the first time she heard his laugh, and the ripple of pleasure that it had sent through her. She gave him the memory of the first time she considered what he might look like under his clothes. She showed him the feeling of his body pressed behind her, as he fiercely protected her friend. She relinquished the memory of the night they had shared his bed, taking in the glorious sight of his nakedness. She had stolen it, she thought. Snatched it. Just like Bellatrix.

Severus took in a quick sharp breath, and she knew from the look on his face that she'd accidentally allowed him to have that thought too. She gave him how she had felt when he'd first kissed her- let him take the shiver of anticipation before he touched her chest. She thrust forward the thrill of his heart beating for her. She searched, and gave him a secret. She let him watch her, undressed, buried in her sheets- two of her fingers deep inside her, her thumb moving in gentle circles, punctuated by a flick each time the circle met its end and beginning. She wanted him to see what he did to her; what she did when she thought about him, and what he could do to her if he just... let... go.

He lowered his wand, never taking his eyes off her.  
"Right. Well... Fuck" he whispered.

"Put your hands on me."

"Hermione..."

Snape's his voice was breathy, almost a pant.

"Severus. Put your hands-"

He gave a small gasp as he cupped both her breasts. With his thumbs, he touched her nipples and she let out a sigh of satisfaction.

_Yes!_

Hermione pulled his shirt over his head, foregoing the fuss of buttons. She ran her hands across the grooves of his chest, which was firm and defined under her fingertips. She placed a kiss on his shoulder and gently ran her nails up his spine with both hands, and then pulled them back down to his tailbone. His body shivered in response and Hermione felt a swell of pride. Encouraged by a moan of enjoyment, Hermione unbuckled his belt and tugged his trousers down. He kicked them off and he stood in his entirety before her. She took his staff in her hand and marvelled at his reaction. She began to work him, looking up at his face- that beautiful shadow.

She couldn't help but understand Bellatrix's fascination with the man after feeling the size of him, the sense of him, full in her hand. The thought of Bellatrix triggered a wave of sadness that seemed to flow through her, down through her hand and into Severus. He stared at her; his breathing had shallowed- she recognised it immediately. Fear. No, not just fear.  _Panic._  His breath all but stopped. Hermione released her grip, showing him her palms in surrender. She carefully moved both of her hands and rested them on Snape's face; she cradled it and tried to catch his gaze.

"Hey. Look at me", she said, "Severus, look at me."

He obeyed.

"You're okay. You're safe. We don't have to do anything-"

He shook his head.  
"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think... I'm afraid..."

"'Of me? Of this?"

"No. Not you."

"Bellatrix?" she gambled.

He nodded.  
"It feels wrong, what you're doing to me- what I want to do to you - like it's tainted by what she did."

"What? No? I'm sorry. I didn't think."

She pulled herself away from him, recoiling into herself.  
"Oh shit", she said, and then she raised her voice as she truly realised the weight of the situation. "OH, SHIT!"

"I just feel confused", he said, in a voice so pathetic, Hermione hardly recognised it as his. "I want to give you what you want-"

"No, Severus!"

Hermione hung her head in shame, and an all-consuming sadness crashed down on to her. Her body sagged under its power.

"God, no! It's me. I wasn't thinking. I didn't fucking think. I'm such an idiot. You're fucking..."

She didn't want to say 'traumatised'. It was accurate, she thought, but to say it would be to neuter him right there.

"You're... going through... all of this", she said, "... and I'm throwing myself at you. It didn't click. I'm  _so_  sorry. Severus, if you're not ready or you're not comfortable-"

His breathing had begun to relax, and he even cracked what was almost a smile.

"Believe me, I am ready."

"But you're uncomfortable?"

"You said this will comfort me-"

"Not if you don't want it."

"I want it. God knows I want it."

"But it's too much? We don't have to do anything tonight. We can hang out, or I can leave if you'd prefer?"

He grabbed hold of her waist and crushed his bony fingers into her skin.  
"No don't leave me!"

Hermione moved onto the bed and pulled him down next to her. She held his shaking body in her arms and cursed that wretched lion in her chest.

"That's okay", she said in earnest as she stroked his hair. "I will stay."

She lay beside him, until his heaving body fell heavy with sleep. She stroked his cheek and curled her form around his.

"I'm so sorry" she whispered and let her tears fall freely down her face.


	8. Something Stupid

**8\. SOMETHING STUPID**

Hermione pounded on Lavender's door until she opened; a towel pulled around her wet body, a scowl on her usually lovely face.  
"Somebody better be dying, Mimi!"

Hermione ignored her and pushed past into her quarters. She paced the room and Lavender stared at her before her scowl fell to concern.

"What the hell is going on?"

"Okay", Hermione said, still pacing "I need advice... I did something stupid."

"How stupid?"

Hermione stopped in her tracks.  
"That depends how stupid it is to almost have sex with a professor who is supposed to be training you..."

Lavender's eyes widened and her mouth split open in a shocked grin.  
"I knew you weren't a prude!"

Then Lavender's eyes narrowed as comprehension drew in.  
"Hang on. The professors teaching you are Slughorn and Snape... I swear TO GOD, Hermione; you'd better be talking about Slughorn..."

Hermione pursed her lips and then flashed a guilty smile.  
"MIMI! Nooo!"

"Lavender! Yes." Hermione said defiantly.

"Oh Gods! Oh... gods! Really? Snape?"

Hermione felt a rush of protective snark build.  
"Yes. Really. Snape."

"Oh Gods. Is that why he was being so weird when we went to Hogsmeade?"

"We hadn't done anything then, but, we'd gotten close, I guess?"

Lavender let out a breath of air.  
"Wow" she said, bemused, "I did not see that coming."

"Me neither."

"Okay, so tell me about it?" Lavender said, pulling herself onto her bed.

She grabbed a fluffy pink cushion and dropped it in her lap. She squeezed it and tapped the bed three times next to her. Hermione threw herself back and stared at the lemon drapes of the four-poster bed.

"I can't tell you everything, but he's going through something awful."

"You can tell me anything you want, I won't say a word."

"I trust you Lavender, I just won't tell his secrets. Plus I'm worried if I said too much I'd end up breaking Dumbledore's vow."

"Right, so it's something to do with  _You Know Who_... Got it! This is why I didn't take that ridiculous vow. I'd let it slip by accident and drop dead."

"I know you would," Hermione said. "Anyway. Back to my stupidity, please?"

"Right you are."

"Well, I kind of threw myself at him, in a bid to comfort him because... of the thing he's going through..."

Lavender laughed.  
"Ah! Pity sex. That makes more sense."

"Jesus. You're as bad as him. No! Not pity sex. There's been this weird vibe between us for weeks now. I really like him, Lavender. He was stood there with his bloody pants around his ankles and then he freaked out and backed off and now I don't think he'll ever want to touch me again. And God, I want him to touch me again."

"What's he like? Is his hair as greasy as it looks? Is he... y'know... big? Is it all slimy?"

"Lavender!"

"Right", she said, solemnly, "I know. Serious talk. Listen, he'd be mad not to want you, because honestly I can't imagine that he gets an opportunity like that every day."

"Sure, but the thing he's going through... it's huge. I know that I need to be there for him, but I just want to- I'm so selfish. I just want ... AGH!"

Hermione kicked her legs in frustration and made another strangled sound.

"Oh my Gods. You are smitten!"

Hermione dropped her head to the right so that she could look at Lavender. She nodded gently and stuck her bottom lip out facetiously.

"Wow... from Ron to Snape. Well, at least nobody can say you have a type."

"Help me!"

"What can you do? It's probably not advisable to start carrying on with someone you work under. It's not like you could just go to Dumbledore and say 'hey, so, is it against school policy if I bang another member of staff? Why do I ask? Oh, no reason.'"

Hermione put her hands over her face and flushed red.  
"God, don't!"

Hermione pulled herself up and furrowed her eyebrows.

"Seriously though. I think he needs me, not that he'd ever admit it, and I want to be his friend and his support system, but I have all these feelings and they're getting in the way of my ability to do that. Last night, I wanted him so much that I didn't even realise he wasn't into it. I completely missed the severity of the situation."

"What happened when you realised that he wasn't into it?"

"I stopped..."

"Exactly! You're not an animal. When you recognised there was a problem you did what you could to fix it. Now you know there's something to be cautious of, so you just have to be aware of it in the future... Just back off and let him come to you when he's ready."

"And if he's never ready?"

"Then just keep your knickers on and be his friend. It sounds like he needs one."

"I just wish he'd let me help him."

Lavender sighed.  
"I imagine it would take a Snape at rock bottom to admit that he needs help."

"You're right, of course. I guess I'll just be there for him in whatever capacity he needs me to be. And I'll just have to help him whether or not he wants it."

"Right, but just try not lose yourself, okay?"

Hermione looked puzzled.  
"What do you mean?"

"Remember you told me about your relationship with Ron, and how you ended up pretending to be totally fine with things that absolutely drove you up the wall?"

"Yeah."

"And you did everything you could to make him happy and you put your needs on the back burner. You were planning to have his child for Gods sakes. At twenty, Hermione!"

"Lavender, don't..."

Hermione's eyes swelled with tears.  
"I'm sorry", Lavender said, taking Hermione's hand and then pulling her into an embrace, taking an accidental mouthful of her curly hair. Still, Lavender allowed Hermione to stay there in her arms as long as she felt comfortable. When she broke away, Lavender held her hand tight.

"I'm just saying", Lavender said gently, "if you're going to be there for him, in ' _whatever capacity he needs'_ , just make sure that you're still doing what's best for you. You're selfless to a fault, sometimes. You need to be sure that you're putting your needs above his - or at least - on the same level. Do not make him a project, Mimi, okay? He's not a fucking house elf."

Hermione nodded and pulled Lavender back in for another hug. She pulled away and nodded, then dried her red eyes.  
"Thank you, Lavender. I'm really glad that we're friends."  
"I am too. I feel lucky, you know, to have so many incredibly protective friends and colleagues. So don't tell anyone, but you're my favourite, Mimi. I want you to be happy. I hope that you find happiness... if you find it with Snape, I'll be nice, I promise."

Hermione let out a gentle laugh.  
"Thank you."

"And assuming you do speak to Snape again...", Lavender said, "... will you tell him that I thank him for what he did at The Three Broomsticks. I don't know exactly what happened but I feel as though I owe him my gratitude."

"I will."

"Now", Lavender said, stepping up from her bed and readjusting her towel, "if you don't mind, I'm going to put some bloody clothes on before I catch my death of cold, or Katie shows up and thinks we're a couple..."

"Hey! You could do a lot worse than me", Hermione said.

 _"I have_  done a lot worse and you know it!"

Lavender winked and they both shared in the comfort of their laughter. It felt like a long time since she had laughed. It had been with Severus, that night after The Three Broomsticks. How had things changed so much in just a couple of weeks? The world was upside down. Would anything feel normal ever again?

* * *

_Shell Cottage  
Order of the Phoenix Meeting_

Hermione apparated onto the white sand beach just far enough from Shell Cottage that she could whisper words of encouragement to herself and pull herself together. It would be awkward enough having to see Severus after their night together, but she would also have to see Ron. She was stuck with anguish. Not just Ron, she thought, but his  _wife_. She had forgotten, if only for a moment, that Ron was married to somebody else. She had been invited to the wedding but it hadn't seemed right. Not only would it be awful to be there as an ex-girlfriend, and not-really-friend, but it was so soon - they were dating, engaged and then married within a year of Hermione and Ron's break up. Juliette Dubois was a friend of Fleur's - a witch from Beauxbatons. Juliette  _Weasley_ , she corrected herself. She would be here, wouldn't she? She had been inducted into The Order just days before she and Ron got married. She had even agreed to take the unbreakable vow. Therefore she knew everything and so she would be here for this private meeting among those in the know.

Hermione wondered aloud in a series of mutters, how she was going to handle the two sticky situations. Before she settled on the best approach, she caught sight of a flurry of flaming red to her right. She turned to face Ginny - it had been three weeks since the last Order meeting, which was the last time they'd spoken. This was supposed to be her best friend, yet they had all but fallen out of contact since Hermione and Ron broke up. Ginny approached and opened her arms to greet her. Even now, even though everything was different, Ginny still treated her as though nothing had changed. She was so grateful for this small mercy. With a crack Harry apparated just feet from them.

Hermione pulled out of her embrace with Ginny. Her swollen belly made it more and more difficult to welcome each other in this way.

"I swear, Ginny, every time I see you, you're carrying an extra baby. Just how many do you have in there now?"

Ginny laughed.  
"Still just the one."

"Well, you look incredible", Hermione said, flicking a lock of hair between her fingers.

Harry spoke then.  
"Alright, Hermione?"  
He too opened his arms to greet her.

"Do you know what this meeting is about?" Hermione asked.

Both Harry and Ginny shook their heads.

"You'd think he'd tell me - being the chosen one and all - but nope. I don't know anything." Harry said, and spotting Remus and Tonks apparating hand in hand, with his godson in tow, he excused himself.

"How are you doing?" Ginny asked, now that they were alone.

"Yeah, I'm doing okay, thank you... how are you?"

"Can't complain. Except this little bugger thinks it's such fun to keep me up all night. Not too long though now and he'll scream at me instead of kicking me in the bladder. I can't wait -" Ginny stopped herself when she saw Hermione's face drop.

"Oh", she said "Gods! I'm being insensitive"

"No, it's fine, honestly", Hermione said, shaking her head as though she could physically expel the memories that clouded her.

"I'm sorry I've been out of touch", Ginny said, "I've had a lot on, you know?"

"I know. I've not made any effort, either. I'm so busy training that I hardly get a moment to myself."

Ginny stifled a laugh and Hermione didn't like the sound of it.  
"I heard about your excursion with Lavender Brown into Hogsmeade."

"How did you hear about that?" Hermione asked. "It was hardly front page news."

Ginny shrugged.  
"You're right; I think it was on page 23 actually."

Hermione groaned.  
"Really?"

"Yep. Skeeter's back"

"Brilliant!" Hermione said, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, so. Maybe next time you have a night off, you should come visit me instead. I know it's got to be pretty boring hanging out with me nowadays, but..."

"Ginny, come on. It's not like that. It's just awkward, and you know it..."

"It's only awkward because you make it awkward. I'm always here for you." Ginny said with finality. "Now, come on, we should get in. The meeting is about to start."

Inside Shell Cottage, she was greeted with enthusiasm by Molly who threw her arms around Hermione like they hadn't seen each other for years. Molly fussed over how skinny she thought Hermione was looking and intimated that she would be sending an owl with a care package full of home-cooked meals by day's end. Arthur patted Hermione on the shoulder and urged her into the living room. She took note of Dumbledore who stood in the centre of the room by the fireplace as he often did. The fire roared and Hermione wanted to get close to it, but as she stepped towards it she saw the shock of red hair and long legs of Ron. She smiled politely at him and he turned to the pretty brunette next to him. She wore a burgundy dress that flattered her small frame.

"Hermione", Ron said stiffly. "This is Juliette, my wife."

"Hi, hello..." Hermione said tentatively, "it's nice to finally meet you properly."

Just then, Dumbledore coughed and everyone settled into the silence.  _Oh thank God!_  she thought, and she stepped backwards, cautiously towards the doorframe. She hung there, listening to Dumbledore's news. It wasn't news to her, however. He was informing those who had taken the vow that they had located the cup. Hermione traced the room for a sign of Severus, but she couldn't see him. It wasn't like he could hide his bat-like form - tall and imposing as it was - and so she resigned herself with the thought that thankfully, she could at least avoid one awkward confrontation. She had only just thought this, however, when she heard faint footsteps behind her. She recognised his energy immediately. Snape had arrived. He stepped towards her, so close he could almost touch her. She didn't turn to face him. She just continued to act as though whatever Dumbledore was rambling about was terribly interesting.

Hermione tried to concentrate on Albus' words, but her attention kept shifting to the man behind her. A sting of anticipation buzzed through her, as though her body knew before she did that Severus' cold hand was at her waist. She stirred as he lifted her jumper just a fraction and met her skin. He rubbed small circles and she prickled under his touch. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to focus solely on his hands. Hermione's eyes shot open and scanned the faces in the room- everyone's attention was on Dumbledore, but she thought for a moment that she saw Albus' gaze drop to where Severus' hand stroked her skin. She tried not to make a sound, but found that to do so, she could hardly breathe. Hermione felt Snape's arm come around her belly, just as Kingsley's large frame moved in front of her from her left, shielding her from the eyes in the room. She wondered for a moment if he'd been imperiused, because then Snape's hand swept up her jumper and rested just below the curve of her breast. She felt his lips at her ear, and then he kissed her neck. She took a sharp intake of breath and Severus swiftly dropped his hand and stepped back.

Kingsley turned and moved aside, and all faces turned to stare at them. Severus nodded.

"Sorry I'm late", he said, in his typical drawl "did I miss anything?"

Albus pursed his lips, as though to keep from smiling.  
"No Severus. Nothing that you don't already know."

"Why does  _he_  already know?" Ron asked sorely.

"Because, Mister Weasley, it was  _he_  who located the cup."

Snape nodded again, this time more sceptically. Harry and Ron both pulled the same face- somewhere between disapproval and surprise.

Hermione looked behind her and then stepped aside so that Snape could move into the room. Reluctantly he did so. He stood just in front of her and Dumbledore carried on with the meeting. Hermione felt the temptation to find his flesh as he had found hers, but she would have to physically crawl under his robes to find some. She giggled to herself and watched as Snape shifted his body so that he leant against the door frame. She saw then, that he had dropped his open hand behind his back, in such a way that she could take it and they wouldn't be seen. She nervously moved a step closer and placed her small hand in his larger one. He closed it around her.

"Isn't that right, Severus?" Dumbledore said.

Hermione looked up and awaited his response, hoping that it might indicate what in fact the question had been.

"Yes, I should have it soon. I know where to find it so I know where to look. I can't just take it, and we should probably be ready to make our move before I  _do_  take it. I am keeping my eye on it, though."

" _Why_  can't you just take it?" Harry asked, his eyes narrowed, as they always were when he spoke to his old potions professor.

Snape snatched his hand out of Hermione's and surged into the room in a beautiful flurry of all that unnecessary dark cloth. He looked much better without it, she thought. Although, it did have its charm.  _Stop it_ , she told herself,  _pay attention._

"Because, Potter" he snarled "if they discover it to be missing, I am the first person that they would suspect."

"Or you won't take it because you have no intention of taking it?"

"What exactly are you insinuating?"

"I'm not  _insinuating_  anything. I'm  _saying... plainly... for everyone here to witness..._  that I don't trust you and I find it maddening that Dumbledore does".

He turned to Albus and said softly, "sorry, Sir."

"You are entitled to your doubts, Harry, but I trust Severus implicitly and I would like it if you could try to do the same."

"But he's in Voldemort's pocket, isn't he? He says that he can't take the cup because he'll be found out? So what? You'd protect him wouldn't you?"

"If I am found out then I will not be of use to any of you, because I would be dead, I fear. And I'm sorry if I won't be quick to put all of my faith in Dumbledore's protection".

He turned to Albus and in an imitation of Harry, he said, " _Sorry... Sir."_

"Oh piss off, Snape!" Harry snapped.

"Listen here, you arrogant little toerag. It is me that-"

Dumbledore clapped his hands together in a single gesture of calling their attention.  
"That's quite enough, both of you."

He turned to Harry with a patient smile.

"Harry, we must destroy the horcruxes without his knowledge", he said. "If Severus simply takes it then they will know what we are seeking."

"Right", Harry said. "Well, can't we make a fake to replace it?"

"And I will", Severus growled, "but first I need to see the damn thing to know what the fake should look like. We only have renderings of the cup- are you following along, Potter? I could simply cross my fingers, take a guess and risk all our lives if you'd prefer? Isn't that your preferred method of doing things?"

Harry ground his teeth and Hermione had to bite her tongue.  
"So you've not found it? Not really."

"It is in the Lestrange's Manor. I am working on it."

"How do you know that's where it is?" Harry asked, suspiciously.

"Primarily, because I have heard The Dark Lord talk of it-"

Harry shot to his feet.

"See! Did you hear that?  _'The Dark Lord'_  ... he respects him."

"You would do well to respect him too, Potter", Severus snarled. "You haven't even the slightest idea of what he is capable, and as for things you  _do not know_ , you have no idea the trouble I am going to find it".

Hermione grabbed Severus' outstretched hand tightly and traced figured in his palm with her thumb. She felt Snape's livid breathing slow to an irritable hum.

"Why should we trust you?" Harry asked, who was still raging.

"Because-"

"Because he's telling the truth" Hermione interjected.

Snape swung round to her.  
"I don't need  _you_  to fight my battles with Potter", he said, sourly.

"I know you don't", she said kindly, "but perhaps Harry would feel better if he had a reason to trust you? If he knew what made you switch sides in the first-?"

Snape shot Hermione a warning glance and she understood that she'd overstepped.  
"Okay, sorry", she said quietly.

He nodded, but the scowl on his face remained.

"Harry", Dumbledore said, "I have my reasons to trust him."

"I understand that, Professor, but we all feel a little-"

"Hey! Don't drag us into this" George said with an irritated rumble.

"I trust him too", Hermione added. "I know you have your reservations, Harry, but-"

Ron's voice joined then.  
"So you're on  _his_  side now?"

"I think you'll find that we're all on the same side."

"Maybe... but you had your reservations too, 'Mione, if you recall?"

Severus turned to look at her and his mouth twisted -  _was he annoyed? ... Hurt?_  Hermione felt her fingers tingle. She wanted to reach out and take his hand again to assure him that she didn't have doubts any more. He knew that, didn't he?

"You're right, I did question his loyalty. A long time ago. I don't anymore."

Ron gave her what she supposed was meant to be a meaningful look, only for her, but Hermione hadn't a clue what the  _meaning_  was.

"What changed?" Ron asked.

"He has", she said gently.

"Ha!" he spat. "Rubbish."

Hermione raised her eyebrows in defiance.

"What the hell happened to you, 'Mione?" he asked, his voice full of venom. "I swear, you used to be smarter than us. Have you gone mental again? Is that what this is? Have you actually lost your mind for real this time? Or have you gone soft? He's exactly the same rotten bastard he's always been."

"If that's the case, then perhaps the person who has changed is me."

"Ha! That's an understatement" Ron snarled. "We all saw you in The Daily Prophet, running around Hogsmeade with Lavender of all people, with next to no clothes on, making a fool of yourself... You're right. You  _have_ changed."

"You want to watch your tongue, Weasley" Snape hissed.

Hermione turned sharply to face Dumbledore.  
"Sir, if it's okay, I would like to leave?"

"Yes, of course, Miss Granger", he said kindly "Severus can catch you up, I'm sure."

"Hermione? Come off it" Ron said, a tone of guilt in his voice. "Don't be like that."

She felt her eyes flush again, and then growled at herself in frustration. She was so sick of crying. So sick of feeling like nothing in the world made sense. Nothing except Severus. Which meant that,  _yep_ , the world was  _definitely_ upside down  _and_ back to front and she couldn't stand it. All eyes were on Hermione now and she knew that they'd seen her tears. That knowledge only served to make her more angry. She turned her back on the room and began to march towards the door, her face in her hands.

"Albus, might I escort he her back to the castle?" Snape said.

"Minerva, will you relay the information to-?"

"Of course. Go, Severus!" McGonagall urged.

Snape turned, and in a flurry of his cloak, he left. He stalked towards Hermione who was pacing down to the beach. She took his hand and walked down the slope, heading towards the water. He put his arm around her waist again - this time in an act of protection.

"Would you like to head back to the castle?"

She shook her head.  
"I want to stand by the ocean", she said, "just for a minute or two. If that's okay?"

"Would you like to..." he cleared his throat and broke eye contact. "Would you like to talk about what happened in there?"

"I don't like the way they talk to you."

"I've heard worse. I wondered if you wanted to talk about what was said to  _you_?"

"Not right now."

She approached the crashing waves and enjoyed the white fracture of the water hitting the shore. She sat on the sand and mindlessly ran her hands across it, taking fistfuls and watching it fall through her fingers. Snape took to the ground next to her; in all black against the white sand, he looked like an oil spill on the waterfront. She cautiously dropped her head onto his shoulder. He swept his arm around her shoulders, and ran his hands up and down her arms in comfort. He looked back to the cottage, to see if anyone was watching them, she assumed, and then he shrugged; she realised to her surprise, that he didn't care if they were.


	9. Take What You Want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there. Some notes about this chapter.
> 
> 1\. Mention of sexual assault. Not graphic. Never will be. But it is mentioned and referred to.  
> 2\. Heads up: Smut.  
> 3\. I've been very liberal with artistic license when it comes to how Legilmency works here. Can we all just agree to suspend our disbelief?
> 
> Okay, that's it. Hope you're having a great weekend. Byeeee.

**9\. TAKE WHAT YOU WANT**

When they arrived outside Hogwarts, Snape pulled Hermione towards the imposing building, into the privacy of one of its alcoves. He placed his hand protectively on the small of her back and drew her near to him. He cast  _Muffliato_  - one of Hermione's favourites of his, because he did it so well, with such flare - and he leant his head into her hair.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Better than before, I think, thank you."

"Would you like to be left alone?"

"No."

He smiled.  
"Good because I don't want to leave you alone."

Hermione slipped her hands into Snape's cloak and put her arms around his waist. She rested her head on his chest and he took in a deep breath. The sound comforted her, and his familiar scent felt like two warm hands embracing her.

"I missed you", Hermione said. "I know it was just the weekend, but those were two really long days."

"I'm sorry I was absent. I was- well..."

"Ruminating?"

"Ha!" he said. "Quite. I didn't skulk this time, however."

"Oh good. You had me worried for a moment there. It's good to know that seeing me undressed is, at least, slightly less stressful for you than trying to get hold of a horc-"

Snape grabbed her mouth with his palm and she shot backwards.

"Jesus, Severus! What the hell was that about?"

"You remember the fucking vow, I suppose?"

"Yeah... but you cast muffliato?"

"Yes, but it's not infallible, Hermione. God! You could have gotten yourself killed. For what? So you could make a sarcastic retort?"

Hermione waited for his seething temper to flare but instead his frown cracked into that beautiful curve and he let loose a burst of laughter.

"Oh God. I forgot the sound of your laugh, I thought I'd never hear it again... you're not mad then?"

"If you had died, then yes, Hermione, I would have been livid. Since you still appear very much alive, I'm not mad, no. But you must be more careful. I won't always be around to stop you from saying stupid shit-"

"Well, actually I-"

Severus had stopped dead and blanched. He looked as though something pained him terribly, yet he stood in front of her, fine by all appearances. She looked at him with her eyebrows drawn in concern.

"Severus?"

"Sorry", he said. "I'm fine. You were saying?"

Hermione put her hands back inside the warmth of his cloak.  
"I was saying..." she said, tucking her fingers underneath his waistcoat and then again under his shirt so that her fingers grazed his skin."... I think you  _will_ be around to stop me saying stupid shit since it's only when you're around that I get stupid."

"Why?"

" _You know why._ "

She lifted her head to kiss him, and he jerked his head slightly so that she missed his mouth and her lips met his cheek.

"I cast  _Muffliato_ , woman, we're not wearing an invisibility cloak", he said.

"So what? You all but groped me at Shell Cottage!"

"If The Order see us that is one thing but I would hate for one of the little turds that go to this school to get the wrong idea and think that I have a soft side. That just wouldn't do for my image."

Hermione took her hands from his back.  
"You're right", she said, with a coy smile "can we meet later at your room?"

"Absolutely. But only if we can finish what I started at Shell Cottage?"

She winked at him.  
"Deal."

"Oh and, by the way, Hermione, speaking of Shell Cottage... what Weasley said about you... about how you've changed..."

"Yeah...?" she said, tentatively.

"He hasn't a clue what he's talking about - you  _have_ changed, of course, but that is not a bad thing. However, he is exactly as he always was - too much of a child to recognise what he had with you."

"Maybe."

"Only a child would see you with ' _next to no clothes on'_  as he so phrased it, and be put out by it. I saw you that night; you did not make a fool of yourself. Made a fool of every man who saw you and tripped over themselves, perhaps. You looked... good, Hermione... and happy. Don't let him make you feel otherwise."

"Really? So when you said I looked  _nice_... you meant I looked  _good_?"

"God, yes! In fact, I might have to find a copy of that Prophet, tear out your picture and keep it for the rest of my sorry life."

"Severus, if you don't take me to your room-"

"Can I meet you tonight?" he asked, "I have to do something first. Will you be okay if I leave now? I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Sure, but what do you need to do?"

Severus lifted his sleeve and showed her how the dark mark pulsed black.  
"Duty calls."

Severus kissed her lightly on the cheek and with that, he disapparated.

* * *

Hermione decided to go straight to Severus' room and wait for him. He had plenty of books, so she wouldn't be bored, and there was little else she wanted to do. She could be there the moment he got back and tend to any wounds or just be there to talk. Hermione was so immersed in Severus' annotated copy of  _Magical Drafts and Potions_ that she didn't notice that he had returned. It was incredible how much more interesting the books were when accompanied by black ink in that trademark scrawl. Each insight was expertly thought out and it increased her enjoyment of the text tenfold. How she would have loved to have been teacher's pet to the man who wrote these words. Maybe now that he wasn't her teacher she could finally be his pet.

She felt his presence before she saw him. He always darkened the room like a shadow. The sky outside had faded to absolute black and the only light in the room came from the candles that were close to burning out. How long had he been gone? Hermione snapped the book shut. 'Lumos' she whispered, and her wand on the illuminated the room. She turned to face him.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

Severus smiled but it wasn't convincing.

"That bad?"

He cracked a true smile then.  
"Just awful, but better for seeing you."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"There's not much to tell you, Hermione. The Dark Lord has begun to finalise his plan of attack. I've just been relaying all the information to Dumbledore. I can tell you the long version if you want, but the short version is much less boring?"

"What is the short version?"

"He plans to use  _Imperio_  on low-level Ministry employees, so that he can control the ministry by stealth. He plans to make his move here by bewitching a staff member - he suggested Minerva and I laughed in his face. He gave me this as punishment."

Snape lifted his sleeve to reveal a new jagged pink scar, vertical from his wrist to his elbow ditch, on the inside of his forearm. Hermione wondered if Severus had healed himself, or if  _You Know Who_  had done it for him.

"I suggested that his best bet would be Horace, in fact. The Dark Lord is fond of Slughorn in his own way. I feel he is the most protected teacher."

He took in the look of horror on her face.  
"He has been warned so he can anticipate it and protect himself. Do not fret."

"What else?"

"The Dark Lord is considering an attack on students. He believes it will help him to work his way from the inside. You remember the chaos when the Chamber of Secrets opened? He's playing a slow game this time."

"He plans to attack a child? I thought he didn't want to  _spill magical blood_  or  _waste young magical potential_?"

"That was before, Hermione. Last time he refused to attack the school when the students were present because he recognises the need of a young generation. The young are, in his estimation, easier to control."

"He could always attack Muggleborns, I suppose", Hermione said.

"The Purebloods will be safe, that is for sure. Anyway, that is everything."

"How was it? How are you?"

"Well, I saw the Lestranges, and that was awful and I have a splitting headache because I've been occluding for the past five hours. But you are here, and my worries do not seem so big anymore."

"You've been gone five hours?"

"Yes... I'm sorry."

"No, I didn't realise it had been so long."

Snape dropped on to the bed next to Hermione.  
"So, what are we reading?"

He took the book and flipped it over to see the cover.  
" _Magical Drafts and Potions?!"_  he asked, incredulously. "Hermione, that's a first year text."

"Yes I know it is, but your insights are fascinating. It's like reading a new book."

"Of course."

"Why didn't you teach us all of this in class?"

Snape chuckled.  
"Because I can hardly get my students to meet the minimum reading requirement, as it is. I'm sure the majority aren't even listening to me half of the time. What would be the point in teaching them more than they need to know?"

"Because it's interesting! I would have loved to learn all this."

"It's interesting to you perhaps. You're as much a freak as I am. Potions is hardly considered the most impressive magical art."

"Well maybe it would be if you taught it in the way that you understand it"

"You forget, Hermione. I teach Defense now.  _You_ will have to teach it the way that  _you_ understand it."

" _Or..._ you could teach me the way you understand it and I'll teach it your way."

" _I could teach you my way?_  I'm sorry. What do you think I have been trying to do these last months? I assure you I've not been trying to get into your knickers. Well... not at first."

He grinned at her.

"Yeah about that..." Hermione said playfully "are you ever actually going to?"

"I don't know. I have to say, I'm really enjoying all these sexually charged moments that drop off to absolutely nothing. There's something satisfying about denying myself what I want. Call it... delayed gratification."

Hermione stared at Severus, her mouth agape.  
"Tell me you're not bloody serious?" she asked.

"Of course not!"

"Oh, thank God!"

"Now take your clothes off."

Hermione complied in surrender without a moment of hesitation. She pulled her jumper over her head and Severus made towards her. He tugged at her shirt and dropped it beside them on the floor. He kissed her, long, warm, clumsy and thoroughly electrifying. He stood and tore his cloak from his body. Hermione reached up to him and began to unbutton his waistcoat. There was something about undoing each button that built the tension and anticipation and she relished it. She felt her body flush warm. She unfastened her bra and Severus put his hands on her breasts. He let out a gruff gasp and his eyes locked on hers. He didn't need to be told this time. Her nipples reached their apex under his fingers.

He urged her to lie on the bed and she moved effortlessly with him. He pushed her hair behind her shoulder as her back touched the sheets and he kissed her neck, peppering quick and gentle bites on her skin. Her entire body turned to gooseflesh as he allowed his lips to wander across her collarbone and then he found a nipple and teased her with his teeth. Hermione moaned as he kissed her navel, and pulled down her jeans, accidentally removing everything, leaving her exposed to him. He straightened his back, leaning backwards, so he could look at her. He was so close and had a point of view that she'd not anticipated. Her vulnerability thrilled him. She whispered " _Nox_ " and the room fell into darkness.

As though the cover of shadow made him brave, he whispered, "I want to please you."

"You already are."

"I want you... do you want me?"

"Yes."

"I want to see."

"Okay."

Severus grabbed his wand from his cloak.  
"Legilimens."

Hermione allowed her thoughts to swill and surge towards him. She gave him the feeling of her body at his mercy at Shell Cottage. The tingle of his hands on her flesh; the feeling of both protection and excitement when his hand lingered just under her breasts. She pushed forwards how much she had wanted him to pull her from the room and make love to her right there under the same roof as all those people who judged them. She urged the swell of pride in her stomach when he had stood up for her, toward him. She showed him what it felt like to undress for him. Her vulnerability and pleasure and the chill of anticipation that so moved her.

She gave him what she had  _really_  done to kill the time in his room before his arrival. How she had unbuttoned her jeans and touched herself, warm in his sheets; the smell of him surrounding her, more exciting than any romance novel. She gave him what she felt now; how she wanted to pounce on him like the lioness she was, but instead she would surrender to his desire. She showed him that he was in control. That she was sorry she had been so demanding the last time they had been this close to heaven. She thought the words she couldn't bring herself to say. _I won't ask anything from you. I want you to take what you want. Whatever you want from me, is yours._  'What do you want, Severus?' she thought. She repeated this thought over like a mantra.  _What do you want? Take what you want. What do you want? Take what you want._

Severus moaned as he broke the connection. His eyes filled with fire.  
"I want to fuck you", he growled.

"Take it."

His fingertips pulled around the curve of one of her breasts and he traced circles around her nipple. Hermione bit her lip as Severus pulled lightly.  
"Yes, like that."

He moved his hand down to her heat and circled her clitoris, as she had done in the secret memory she'd given to him. He allowed his fingers to wander, finding her folds and then asking, seeking assurance.

"Is this okay?"

Hermione nodded. He found her hollow easily, and nervously pushed a finger inside. Her body began to move to his touch. He was encouraged and dared to double up, and using two fingers, he penetrated her. He pulled back off the bed and kissed her mound. She giggled and he allowed himself a moment of weakness as he grinned at her pleasure. He was pleased with himself. It was so intimate, more so than what they were already doing- she was happy, he was vulnerable. They trusted each other:  _Severus Snape_ trusted her,  _Hermione Granger_. And she trusted him in return. He kissed her bud and moved his tongue across and around, quickly over it, mirroring the movements she had shown him in the memory.

Her back arched and he feared he had done something wrong and so he pulled away.  
"Don't stop!"

He obliged. Running this tongue over, as his fingers pumped inside her.

"Oh God."

She moved her body as though she was trying to bring herself further into his hands and so he used more pressure and worked with the entire length of his fingers. His voice came thick with self-satisfaction.

"You like that?"

"Yes! Severus!"

Her body moved in the beautiful way that it had when she had ridden that magical wave. She rode it once more, her hips moving, and he continued to push into her. She dropped her back onto the bed with a crash and her legs turned to jelly. Still he continued to work his fingers inside her.

"Ow! Okay" she panted "you can stop now."

Severus wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and lay next to her on the bed.  
"That was incredible", she said, between deep breaths.

He looked pale- more so than usual, anyway.

"Severus? Are you okay?"

"I thought... Did I hurt you?"

"No, Gods, no. You were amazing."

Snape bit his lower lip, and his mouth split into a wolfish grin.

"That was, yeah, wow. Are you quite sure you've never done that before?"

Hermione placed a hand on his stomach, and slid her hands into his waistband. She wanted to take his shaft into his hand and please him the way that he had pleased her. She stopped herself, for fear of going too far; taking control from him. Instead, she ran her fingers across his jutting pelvic bone. She put her lips to his and their tongues met. He was gentler than she'd expected. Full of want, charged with desire, but more sure, less hurried. He  _was_  in control.

The thought of it lit a flame in her like fiendfyre. He unfastened his belt and dropped his trousers, and as he kicked them off, this time  _he_  was exposed. She pulled him closer to her, encouraging him on top of her. He concurred. She didn't want to touch him, not until he was ready, and so instead, she opened her legs for him. He found what he wanted quicker still than before, and his mouth fell open and he closed his eyes, as his head brushed at her entry.

He pushed inside her, gently at first, and his eyes rolled with their first contact. He sighed, which became a moan as he filled her. She whimpered in response, and he seemed to take that to mean that she wanted him to keep going and so he moved his hips, filling her and kissing her and touching her. He didn't know where to look or what to touch; as though there was much of her he wanted to explore. Their bodies were barely visible in the light of the single candle that remained aflicker on the windowsill. He closed his eyes and she mirrored him, and they surrendered to the feeling of her envelopment.

Severus ran his hands across her thigh and then wrapped his arm under it, lifting her so that he could move himself faster and more urgently. Her heart battered in her chest and she ached from her hot ears to her curled toes. She wrapped her hands around his neck, closing them, bringing him down towards her. He slowed his pace, hesitating, and his face constricted into one of sadness. Something was wrong.

He pulled himself out of the whatever it was long enough to grab his wand from beside them on the bed and say ' _Lumos_ ', showering them with bright light. She was surprised and concerned, but mostly she was eager and aquiver below him - she was willing and glad to be with him. She saw his doubt- his sadness. Hermione understood. She nodded to reassure him and permit him to find further assurance, where he'd found it before. He pressed the wand to her temple once more.

"Legilimens", he said from behind his quaking lips.

_A flash of a memory that wasn't the beauty of one of hers, but the horror of one of Snape's. The feeling of lips around his cock. Bellatrix cackling. Her enjoyment. His shame. His secret. His body had betrayed him and he'd surrendered to the inevitable. The humiliation of his unloading into her, and the tears that had followed. Bellatrix wiping her mouth with the sleeve of her robes and the look of disgust on her face when she saw that he wept. Her lifting her wand and screaming 'Crucio!'. His naked body writhing under the pain of a thousand cuts. Then Rodolphus apparating into the room, finding him in this position in his home. How she had stood there fully dressed and told her husband that he had shown himself to her; offered himself. Then came Sectumsempra. A spell of his own making used against him, to punish and humiliate._

Hermione felt Severus' panic rise in his chest and felt her own build in response. He hadn't meant to give it to her. She gave him her thoughts; first her fear for him and her anger at them. Not pity, though. Then, she narrowed her eyes and focused, giving him her pleasure, her arousal. She gave him every feeling he had given her; physical and emotional. She gave him every nerve ending that set ablaze when he touched her. She showed him what it felt now, to have him inside her.

He moved himself further into her, regaining his rhythm - and their thoughts met and intertwined.  _H_ _is_  feeling of her warmth surrounding his cock, and  _her_  feelings of his cock inside her warmth. They got lost trying to navigate through their connection- unsure what radiated from whom but neither cared. Hermione felt a surge of something akin to love - she didn't know what to call it - and she wasn't entirely sure from whom it came. She hoped to God that he hadn't felt it too.

She focused again on her thoughts of him; how he set her on fire. She caught his own thoughts, then. She didn't know if he had meant to give them to her, or if, as before, they had slipped through in a tangle of stress and anguish.

 _She was Hermione, lovely Hermione who wanted him, needed him to be with her- Hermione who cared for him and comforted him. As he looked at her in the harsh white light, she was all curves and warmth and sweat and sunshine and he was pleased with himself._   _She wasn't Bellatrix. That memory didn't belong in this moment._

He pushed the thought of Bellatrix and her poison out of the moment. Being a master Occlumens, he knew where to put his dark thoughts and so she vanished; so too did the rest of his thoughts and Hermione was left alone with her own. She allowed them to intensify. The throbbing of her core, the flutter of greed in the pit of her stomach; the aching in her chest, desperate for his touch. He pushed himself deeper inside her and ran his long fingers up to her breasts. She moved in towards him, and as he groaned, her body moved as though it had will of its own; her hips responding to his driving motion, and her head hit the pillow as her back arched for a second time. She locked her eyes on his; he has returned to himself. With all the insecurity and hurt locked in a box, and banished from the present, he allowed his energy to swell and when it threatened to undo him, he surrendered, this time on his terms, and fractured inside her.

The release seemed to conjure emotions that he had not anticipated. All at once his face was full of epiphany and joy and sadness and gratitude and relief in cyclic flux. The combination of all of these, culminated in a heavy burden that burst out of him with an energy to rival orgasm and his body heaved with sobs. Hermione put her arm around him possessively. He buried his face into the comfort of her embrace and poured out his heart until he fell to sleep, exhausted from the sheer agony of feeling so much all at once.


	10. Surge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a tiny bit of smut at the end. I can't help myself, hahah.

**10\. SURGE**

Hermione woke in Severus' bed, but he was not beside her. She called out to him but there followed no reply. He wasn't in his quarters, nor was he in the Great Hall for breakfast.

"Minerva", she said, gently, approaching the teacher's table. "Have you by any chance seen Sev- Professor Snape?"

"I can't say I have. If I see him, shall I tell him you're looking for him?"

Hermione considered this.  
"No, it's fine- thank you."

She threw herself into her responsibilities, as when she had something to do, or something to read, she could put the thought of Severus' absence to the back of her mind. She worked on perfecting healing draughts in the potions classroom all morning, yet there was still no sign of him. He was due to teach fifth year Defense that afternoon and so he would have to turn up somewhere eventually, she figured. Unless he had been called to  _You Know Who_ 's side. Or perhaps he had gone again to the Lestranges?  _I_ _s he in trouble?_

Still, she couldn't ignore the gut feeling that he was evading her on purpose. That he was fine by all accounts - except for a wound to his pride. Hermione headed to lunch in the great hall; perhaps he would be there. She passed Professor Dumbledore in the corridor and nodded politely when he said 'Miss Granger'. She allowed him to walk by her, until the need to ask the question burning inside her overwhelmed her desire to seem put together in front of this greatest of wizards.

"Sir", she said- her voice in a quiver.

"I have already told you that you can call me by my name, Miss Granger"

"You still call me ' _Miss Granger_ '"

"You are quite right, Miss Granger. Alas, I am quite rushed and I trust you have a question for me that does not concern the ways in which we address each other. Perhaps it pertains to a particular surly, raven-haired professor?"

"Do you know where he is?"

"Severus has taken the day off. He claims he is sick. He has never once been sick in all the years I have known him, however so I believe, but I can't be sure, that he has taken the day to prepare for what I imagine will be a long and dreadful night."

Something in the way Dumbledore said these words, put it to Hermione that perhaps he knew more about what Snape's 'dreadful night' would entail than she liked. It unsettled her.

"He's going to the Lestranges again tonight?"

"Yes, that is what I gather."

"Is he on the school grounds?"

"I believe so, but I could not tell you exactly where. In fact, I would very much like to get my hands on Harry's map. Maybe you could persuade him to relinquish it, so that I can keep an eye on  _everything_  that happens on school grounds-"

"Are you nervous, Sir?" Hermione asked.

There was a definite note of fear in his voice.

"Do you think that Hogwarts could be infiltrated?"

"I couldn't say either way but I would be remiss not to take all precautions. Especially with Severus so close to either a vital victory or spectacular failure."

"Should I worry about him?"

"Are you not already?" he asked, as if he knew that her heart pounded and increased in exponential increments the longer Severus stayed gone.

"So he hasn't gone to the Lestranges yet?"

"Not to my knowledge. Not that he has informed me of much lately. He tells me the minimum. I imagine that he is upset with me."

Hermione made a non-committal nod.

"I believe our old nemesis Bellatrix requires him for the  _night_ , so it would be far too early-"

"How much do you know about this mission you are sending him on?", she interrupted, with a snip. "It sounds to me as though you are aware of the danger he puts himself in each night".

She spoke with an accusatory tone that surprised her. However Dumbledore either did not notice or he paid it no mind.

"I have my suspicions and I am saddened by them. However, Severus is a man with his own will and he will do what he believes is best."

"With all due respect, Sir, I think that he does whatever  _you_  believe is best."

"What makes you say that?"

Hermione shrugged.  
"Just an assumption"

"Well, let us not assume. Let us stick with facts for the moment, Miss Granger, shall we?  _Fact:_ I do not know where Severus is.  _Fact:_ I do not know what he has planned for tonight.  _Fact:_ Whatever it is will no doubt be crucial, and highly valued by The Order."

Hermione snorted in derision and then caught herself.  
"Sorry", she said with discernible reluctance. "I- I suppose you're right."

"I hope that you find him, Miss Granger. And I hope that he recognises what he has in front of him."

"What do you mean?"

Dumbledore flashed a knowing smile.  
"I'm afraid I must bid you goodbye, Miss Granger. Please feel free to stop by my office any time you so wish to chastise me again. I will be sure in future to have more time to entertain your vexation."

Unsure whether she was being encouraged or scolded, Hermione struggled for a response. Not that it mattered, as Dumbledore continued down the corridor and disappeared in a flurry of glittering emerald robes.

Hermione made her way to the Great Hall, and sat at the very end of the training staff table, where she and the other trainees ate their lunch. As she tucked into her soup, grateful for it after picking at her breakfast, she heard the unmistakable gruff smoke of Severus' voice in the corridor. He came into the hall and scanned up to where she sat. Their eyes met from across the expanse; Snape turned on his heel, quick as a cat, and stormed off. Abandoning her dinner, she took off after him, trying in vain not to draw too much attention to her desperate run.

"Severus! Hold on a minute!" she yelled, as the large bat-like figure disappeared down a staircase.

She hoped that he was heading for his quarters, or the Potions classroom, yet she found him in neither. She felt red flash behind her eyes. It was pathetic. The stubborn ox was going to continue to make a fool of her. It occurred to her then, that perhaps it had not been Severus who had made a fool of her last night. It was quite plausible that she had managed that all by herself. She had thought - been so sure - that he'd wanted her. He had been  _present_  and it was he who had moved first at Shell Cottage, after all. She had given him the weekend to think on what she offered and he had returned to her.

Of course, it was entirely possible that she had pushed him into something that he was potentially not ready for. What the hell had come over her? Had she been too pushy; too needy? At least, she thought, Severus too had been vulnerable and desperate. If he felt embarrassed, he could at least face her so that they could be embarrassed together. They could talk it through, tease each other; find the humour in their humiliation.

When she finally stopped searching for him, she found him. He sat at his old desk in the Potions classroom; his back stiff in the chair. It was the early hours of the evening and he had no reason to be here.

"You know this isn't your classroom anymore, Severus? It's mine."

He nodded solemnly.  
"I know. I find comfort here. It is familiar."

"I looked everywhere for you..."

"Hermione, has it occurred to you at all that maybe I have been so difficult to locate because I did not want to be found?"

"That was my first thought, yes. However then I realised that after spending the night with someone, it would be both childish and rude to give them the cold shoulder the next day, and so I figured that it couldn't possibly be that, since you're a grown man who is-"

"Very witty" he interrupted. "How quick you are, Granger."

Hermione pressed her lips together in a tight line and gave him a curt smile.  
"I wanted to speak with you."

"I'm not stopping you."

Severus tucked his wand into his robes, and moved towards a shelf of glass bottles and vials filled with various potions, drafts and elixirs.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Fine."

"You're going to her tonight aren't you?"

"Yes."

"How are you feeling?"

"Why I can hardly wait-"

"Stop it."

He turned back to face her, his face forlorn.  
"How do you  _think_  I am feeling, Granger?"

"Yeah, okay."

Again he turned his back and began to pull bottles from the shelves. He dropped three healing potions into a tiny leather pouch.

"Undetectable extension charm?" she asked, in a bid to revive the conversation.

"Obviously."

Severus pulled another bottle from the shelf, unstoppered it, and drank it down.

"What was that?"

He kept his back to her.  
"That, Granger... was a potion. You may have heard of them?"

Hermione took a breath.  
"Are you quite done?"

He sneered at her, but she didn't rise to it.

"What potion was it? What is it for?"

"Temporary sterilisation."

Hermione's cheeks reddened, as she recalled his body; their bodies together. Had he taken it last night? She was lost in thoughts of their connection until she realised, to her horror, what his taking of the potion truly meant.

"The world does not need a child who is part miserable bastard, part heinous bitch. I am taking every precaution."

Hermione's face fell into lines of confusion.

"You're still going to give yourself to her?"

Severus turned to her; his face was more severe than ever she had seen it.  
"Yes. I must."

"I don't want you to."

Hermione moved towards him, steeling herself to just reach out and take his hand; to hold him, as they had held each other last night. She wracked her brain for the words that would make him change his mind.

"There is always the option to simply walk away."

Snape's eyes narrowed- the sight of which filled Hermione with dread. She had said the wrong thing.

"Unfortunately for you,  _Miss Granger,_  one night of awkward and pitiful sex does not entitle you to a weighty opinion. I make my own decisions."

Hermione resisted the urge to contemplate his description of what she had thought was emotional and passionate night of- how else would you describe what they had done except... 'lovemaking'?

"That's what Dumbledore said."

"You've been speaking with the headmaster?" he asked. "About me?!"

His voice rose, brimful of spite.  
"What tales, dare I ask, have you been telling? Did I not make it clear before that I do not want Albus to be involved."

"He's already involved and I didn't tell him anything he didn't already know. Which is to say that I didn't tell him anything at all. He knows a lot more than you think."

Severus blanched, but his eyebrows narrowed. A mixture of fear and pride and anger. His base emotions. He swallowed them, and threw something into the fireplace. A piece of parchment. _A letter perhaps?_  Whatever it was, it curled and burned- and in an instant, it was altogether something different - small, crisp and blackened. And then it was nothing.

"Fine", he said coldly. "Is that all?"

"Are we just going to pretend last night didn't happen?"

"I believe that would be ideal, yes."

Hermione stared mindlessly into the fire, watching the flames bite at the logs; golden sparks danced around the burnt wood. She searched herself for the fire she felt for Severus and watched as it suffocated. The candle she was carrying for him, extinguished with his words.

"If that's what you want. We don't have to mention it again."

"Good. I regret our...  _connection_. Ideally it would not have happened at all. However, it did. Acting as though it did not is the second best course of action."

Hermione's stomach dropped to her ankles. She gathered her thoughts, pulling it back to its rightful place.

"What exactly do you wish hadn't happened? Which _connection_  do you regret? The physical connection? Or the emotional one? Is it not being vulnerable that has you so bothered?"

"I was not vulnerable..."

Snape made a step away from her. Hermione felt her heart quicken.  
"... I was  _pathetic_ ", he spat.

"No, Severus, you were honest. I am aware that's not something that comes naturally to you. Living in the pocket of the Dark Lord hardly lends itself to a lot of integrity."

"Fuck you" he flared. "I have integrity!"

Hermione marched towards him, with her finger raised in an accusatory manner.  
"Don't fucking snap at me. I won't take it."

_Oh, I get it._

She nodded her head as the pieces of the puzzle began to take the shape of the picture on the box.  
"You know what, Severus? I don't even think that you're upset about what happened last night. I think you're upset about what will happen  _this_  night."

"Oh, is that right?"

"Yes. You lash out when you are scared and I think that right now... you're terrified."

He waved his hands in dismissal.

"Tell me I'm wrong!"

She took a step closer, so close that they could touch. And how desperately she wanted to. How easy it would be to put her arms around him. To tell him that no matter how many times he pushed her away, she would make her way back to him. The words turned to dust in her mouth.

"I should be going", Severus said.

His face filled with regret and Hermione's too, as she felt the second sting of realisation. This was happening. He was going to her. He would give himself to her so that she could not take it. Hermione's eyes pricked, but she would not let him see her cry. Not again. Severus looked as though he too could cry a river, but instead he pushed the fear into the box in the back of his mind where he kept all of the darkness and he pulled himself together.

"I will see you."

Snape pulled on his cloak and made to exit. Hermione felt a brush of warmth as the candle inside her reignited, and flickered.

"Severus?"

He stopped in the doorway.

"I can be here for you, tonight, if you need somebody", she said. "Even just as your friend, if that's what you want? Whatever you need, I'm here. Okay?"

Hermione placed her hands on his shoulders, in what she hoped was a gesture of friendship, yet her fingers moved before she was truly in control of herself. She urged herself to stop, but whatever part of her was in control now did not listen. All at once, her hands were in his hair and she locked her fingers. She grasped selfishly, as if holding him tight enough would make him belong to her. If he  _belonged_ to her then maybe he would stay. She felt the knocking of his heart. She wanted to answer its call. She wanted to let it inside.

They shared a look that Hermione didn't quite understand. All she knew was that her legs were quaking. She wanted to walk away from all of this tragedy - his hand in hers - go back to his room; repeat last night. Repeat it over and over until it was  _all_ that there was. She wanted to spare him from what he was about to do. She felt jealous, too. The idea of somebody else being in on the secret of Severus' body was too much to bear. It was something that had belonged only to her - it was  _her_  treasure - but tonight he would share it with someone else.

Except he didn't want to share it; he didn't  _want_ to go to her. And she had the nerve to be jealous of Bellatrix, when she knew exactly what it was she could do to him? Her heart ached and she was consumed with a feeling she had never really known; it could only be disgust - disgust with herself. She chastised herself; still, all she wanted was to kiss him. She tried to stop herself. It wasn't right.

"I'm here for you", she said, and with hardly a conscious thought, she placed a kiss on his cheek.

To her delight, Severus sighed, and took hold of her flushed cheek in his hand. He moved to return the kiss to her lips. It was tentative at first- neither sure of their selves, but when the reality of their goodbye burst through, their mouths moved hurried and frenzied, as though it was the last kiss they would share. Maybe it would be, Hermione thought. Severus pulled away.  _Was that it? Was that all there would ever be?_

"If I don't go now, I'll never leave", he said.

"Then don't. Stay with me?"

Severus let out an exasperated sigh.  
"God! Don't start again-"

"I don't want you to go. What is so wrong with that?"

"I don't want to fucking go, either, Hermione!" he snapped. "Have you yet to understand?! Every time you tell me to stay, I feel my feet root themselves to the ground. I feel my knees lock in place. But there is NO OTHER WAY!"

Snape slammed the door shut, locking them away inside his quarters.  
"How many times do I have to tell you that although this is not ideal, it is  _necessary_  and I need you to please, PLEASE, just stop-"

"Stop what?!"

"Stop making me doubt myself. Stop making me consider that there could be another way. Stop making me think I have a choice! Stop dangling the possibility of a life I could have in which suffering such as this does not fall at my feet. Stop whatever this is."

He gestured to her face.

"Whenever you look at me like that, I want to surrender to you. It's not fair to either of us. I live a cursed life, Hermione. I have told you-  _I know who I am_. You, however, are quite deluded. It is time that you wise up and figure out that whatever fantasy you are living in, in which I have a future free from this madness, is just that.  _Fantasy_."

Snape swallowed so hard that she heard it.  
"I know that is hard for you to hear. I think that you figure yourself my saviour, Hermione, but I cannot be saved and it is high time that you stopped trying."

Hermione's heart thumped below her chest. Her body shook with anger and longing.  
"But-"

"Please stop", he said in a voice she didn't recognise. It was not  _his_  - it wasn't velvet, or ice, or gravel - it was saltwater.

" _Please!_ " he begged. "I can't take it. You are being cruel to me."

"I don't mean-"

"I think you should leave."

Hermione conceded- accepting her defeat.  
"Okay. I'll go."

She pulled open the door, but lingered in the doorway.  
"I'm done trying, Severus", she said. "I'll see you around, okay?"

With that she disappeared out of his sight, giving him no chance to respond. If he was going to have the final say, then she would at least be the one to have the last word.

* * *

Hermione sat on the end of her bed. She yearned to sleep. Her body urged her to climb under the sheets, but the pain in her chest wouldn't dissipate. Her mind flicked through all the possible outcomes of the evening- wondering which version was unfolding right now. It had been hours and there was no sign of Severus. After he had left, she had run to his quarters and charmed the door so that she would know if it opened. It had been difficult magic, but ultimately she knew that it was worth it. Severus had yet to return and Hermione felt physically sick with worry.

She jolted with a start when there came a knock- a hammering, more like - at her door. She wrapped her dressing gown around her, and the knocking came again; louder and more urgent even than before. She opened the door to the dark figure, curled into a broken ball like crumpled parchment, cradling itself at her feet.

"Severus?!"

She helped him to his feet and hurried him into her room. There was no blood this time, at least - no obvious sign of torture - and yet he had clearly suffered a fate just as terrible. Perhaps worse? His eyes were hollow and his face was thunderous. It was not like ever before. She had seen him angry; she had seen him hurting and embarrassed. But whatever this was, was something entirely new and it frightened her.

She led him to the bed and urged him to sit down. He tore his cloak from his body and pulled her towards him.  
"Make it stop", he begged.

"Make what stop?"

"Take it away."

Severus gestured to his head wildly. His mouth had turned into a pathetic grimace and his hands shook as he moved them. He placed his trembling fingers on Hermione's face and pulled her close enough that she could smell his breath. Firewhisky, she thought, and a lot of it. He gestured again at his head.

"Take it. The memory. Please! Fucking take it."

"I can't, I don't know how. I can't do it safely."

"Fine, I'll do it", he grumbled, pulling his wand from his robes.

"Not like this! You could lose _all_  your memories. Remember Lockhart?"

He cried into her chest.  
"Fuck!"

"Tell me what you need and I'll help you."

"I need  _you_."

Hermione stiffened. She thought she understood what he wanted.

"You said I could come to you with whatever I needed. I need  _you_ ", Severus repeated.

He pulled her dressing gown open and began to kiss her breasts through the fabric of her nightie. He pawed at her, seeking release; he was urgent, but not rough. Still, she hurt. Not at his hands, but for his heart.

"I need you."

This time his voice came with determination. He did not beg - it wasn't even much of a question - it was his bidding.

Her body prickled under his touch and she felt a swell of desire between them that was unfamiliar. This was primal. She groaned as he pulled off her nightie, and the sound was echoed by Severus whose groan became a moan of pain and he choked. He violently dried his tears with the sleeve of his robe and tore his trousers and boxers down around his ankles. Hermione kicked her underwear to the ground and allowed Severus to turn her away from him, guiding her hands down onto the desk so that she stood, bent over, and exposed to him. She felt fire from her fingertips against the desk, to her feet, spread on the floor. He placed his knee between hers to part them and she anticipated his force behind her. Instead, his mouth came to her neck and he kissed her.

"I want her gone", Severus growled into her hair, "I want you. Only thoughts of you."

"Yes. Take it."

Severus pushed her gently further down so that her breasts were flat against the desk, and then with a single, gentle thrust he was inside her. He moved behind her with increasing intensity, as though he might be able to lose all trace of Bellatrix if he just kept going. Each stroke seemed to find its way deeper into her and every inch of him was a thrill. Her slipped a finger between her folds, seeking the button he knew would take her pleasure from 60 to 100. He found his target and circled her. Severus continued to build the speed and ferocity of his strokes until he grunted and pushed into her a final time. His body stuttered as he came to his peak.

"Don't stop" Hermione said, and Severus, static inside her, picked up the pace with his fingers; he moved quicker and quicker.

"Wait, that's too much" she said, gently.

He didn't seem to hear her.

"Severus, stop!" she demanded, pulling herself upward with all of the strength she could manage.

Snape snapped back to the situation at present. He dropped his hand immediately and pulled his limp member out of her. He moved backwards in retreat, so that she could turn to face him; to walk away if she wanted.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't... here. I was preoccupied. Oh fuck!"

He punctuated his curse with a snarl of exasperation. He helped her away from the desk and held her.

"I'm so sorry", he begged of her, "forgive me."

"I understand."

Severus' eyes filled with tears. He roared in frustration; as sick as she was, she assumed, that misery kept creeping into these moments where it did not belong. Hermione leant back to the wall as he moved towards her and kissed her. His pace slowed and Hermione hoped that he had found what he had been searching for. His mouth was warm on her lips- he kissed her so deeply, it felt crucial. He put one hand on her cheek and rested his forehead against hers. He kissed her again. Hermione could taste the salt of his tears and tried to focus on the pleasure in her centre, rather than the pain on her edges, ready to envelop her if she lost focus. With his free hand he found his place back between her folds. She opened her legs for him, and he made love to her with his fingers. The pleasure deep in her core blossomed until she could hardly identify the heartache and the only thing in the world was Severus.

"I can show you?"

He needed no encouragement, as if he'd been waiting all this time for permission to enter; this was where he had truly been wanting to seek his comfort all this time. He didn't need a wand; he kissed her, and whispered, " _Legilimens_ ".

She wanted him to feel all of it. She needed him to understand that the only thing that she could see was him. He deserved to know that not only was he desired, but that he was  _everything_  to somebody if only for a moment in time. He would never believe it if he didn't see it for himself. As their minds connected, she pushed it all - all of the warmth and joy and magic she felt for him - and it crashed into him like a tidal wave. He didn't break his gaze, he looked only at her. Severus continued to work at her with his fingers, and kissed her with passion she'd only read about; spurred on by the knowledge of how she felt about him. Hermione twitched and came apart in his hands, with a moan of pleasure.

She felt a surge of love, then - pure and honest, but entirely uninvited. It swirled around her heart, moving from her chest to her throat, to her mind, and then towards him, just as he began to break their connection. She tried to keep hold of it, but it swelled and rushed towards him. She was no longer in control of her feelings for him.  _Shit_ , she thought and silently begged that the connection had broken before the lovely wave had crashed.

* * *

Hermione woke with Severus' arm flung across her bare chest. She turned towards him and nestled in the crook of his elbow. As she moved, she woke him, and his dark eyes opened. They beheld each other in the harsh light of the morning. Severus looked as if he held the weight of the world on his shoulders, and she was sure that no amount of 'comfort' would rid him of it. Still, they were together, and she would help him in whatever way she could. Severus pulled her into his chest. He kissed her hair and she ran her fingers along the slight curve of his waist and danced along the bones of his hips. She pulled backwards to look at him.

Neither spoke as they took each other in. Severus moved on top of her, and kissed her, sinking his tongue deep past her lips, finding hers and he rolled with her. She recalled with a terrible flash of memory from the night before, that she had relinquished to him her feelings of love.

And she  _did_  love him; there was no denying it.

He neither did nor said anything to suggest that he had witnessed it. He was either unaware or a brilliant actor. She hoped that the connection had closed in time, not because she did not want to tell him but because she knew that he was not ready to know. He wouldn't know what to do with it and he would  _definitely_  not return it. He would show her his own version of love in his own way. That was enough, she told herself. It  _had to be_ enough, because that was all there was and, most likely, all there would ever be.

_Was it enough?_

She felt his fullness against her thighs, and knowing, she parted them, so that he could show her his version of love. And it would just have to be enough.


	11. November

**11\. NOVEMBER**

Hermione and Severus ate breakfast in near silence. He had hardly uttered a word to her since they had woken. She couldn't settle on one of the million questions she wanted to ask him, and so she said nothing. There was one, however, that burned beneath her skin and she ached to release it- four words that would free her from the agony. But she couldn't ask it- she couldn't bring herself to say them.

_Did you do it?_

She knew the answer. He had been with her. Hermione didn't want, nor did she need the details. The idea of sharing Severus with someone else was hard enough but when coupled with the fact that she was sharing him against his wishes, and with a woman so foul she was hardly human, was almost too much to handle. She wanted to afford him the opportunity to talk about it, yet she couldn't work up the courage. She considered what else she might ask. She eventually settled on the only question that really mattered.

"Are you okay?"

Severus considered this.  
"I think so, yes."

She decided to be brave, but not  _too_  brave. She was a smart woman after all, and Severus was to be handled delicately.  
"Would you like to talk about it?"

She knew his answer before he gave it.  
"No."

"Okay. Did you find the cup?"

Severus nodded, and Hermione squealed with triumph. It had been worth it, she thought. However Severus' scowl dampened her spirits.  
"I was unable to retrieve it."

"You left it there?"

"Yes. I left it there", he said coldly. "I couldn't take it. I didn't have the opportunity."

Hermione felt a spasm like a punch to her stomach.  
"What happened?"

"I told you I didn't want to talk about it."

"I know, I'm sorry, I just want to understand. I thought the whole reason you went to her and... offered yourself to her was-"

Severus' face flashed with the deepest shame and his voice bellowed out like the cry of a wounded animal.  
"Don't speak of it!"

Hermione dropped her hand to his knee, and tried not to be hurt that he recoiled under her touch.

"You might not want to talk about it, Severus, but if you can manage to for just a moment, I need to know."

"I know you do, but I can hardly fathom it, Hermione, so  _forgive me_  for not wanting to re-live it now."

"Okay" she breathed.

Severus sighed and spoke plainly.

"In short, she does not trust me. I thought that she would let her guard down but she did not. She spelled the room shut. I could not apparate; so I could not leave. Not until she willed it. When she left me unattended, she bound my hands, and took my wand... When she went downstairs, she petrified me."

"So, it was for nothing?"

"Not quite. I know where the cup is now, and I know what it looks like. I spied it when we first..."

Severus trailed off and his gaze fell to his lap.

"When you first... what?" she asked.

He flashed a burning hot red.  
"I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, HERMIONE!"

Hermione's eyes widened, her lips parted ready to protest. Instead she tried for empathy. He had been through something terrible and she could not even begin to understand even if he told her in excruciating detail. She could help ease his pain by being there for him. That was what she could do.

"Okay."

_It's not okay. Nothing about any of this is okay. I hate this. I can't take it. I don't have the strength to do this. How am I supposed to support you when you won't even tell me what's happening?_

Severus clenched his jaw and narrowed his eyes to her. She felt as though pricked with hot needles under his stare. He lifted his hands to her face and parted his lips with his thumb.

"Take off your clothes" he said and began to unfasten his robes.

"We're in the middle of breakfast," Hermione said with an uncertain laugh.

"I'm not hungry."

Severus got up from the table and stood before her. He stretched his hand out for her to take it, and pulled her to her feet. He bore down on Hermione, taking her mouth in his. He ran his fingers through her hair and then clutched the back of her neck, greedily. Hermione threw her head back on the chair as he pushed aside her dressing gown and she surrendered to his will.

* * *

Hermione hunched over Severus' desk and stared at the collection of tattered parchments in front of her. There were recipes and passages and methods - some of Severus' and some of her own. She was just out of bed at ten to eleven and Severus was nowhere to be seen. He was an early riser, even on the weekend. He didn't need to set an alarm - muggle or magical - he rose naturally at 6 o'clock every morning without fail. It was almost ritualistic. He woke up, waking her in the process, made his side of the bed with a tight tuck, shaved, and brushed his teeth. Then he sat at the window with the book he had been reading the night before. One chapter, each morning; one at night. Next he would leave the room and walk the grounds until breakfast. It still irritated her now, even after two weeks of almost constant companionship. His rituals were for one. There was no room for Hermione. A couple of times when she had not managed to fall back to sleep, she had joined him on his walks around the grounds; it was not a walk, it was a patrol. She didn't bother to accompany him a third time.

She thought that perhaps she could get used to some of his other rituals though. Breakfast in his quarters and evenings listening to the radio out on the top floor balcony. He took a shower every weekday morning and a bath in the evening on weekends. He always asked her to join him. More often than not, she did. He would always be with her when he could, which reassured her. Sometimes he was called away to The Dark Lord's side; then she worried endlessly. Other times he was called to Dumbledore, which didn't bring her much comfort either.

His temper was uneven. Sometimes he would storm into the room in a furious whirlwind, snatch her from where she stood or sat or lay and he would carry her to the shower or bath - depending on what day it was - and he would kiss her, seek her out; fuck her, then carry on with his ritual for one. Other days he would approach her with gentle kisses, hold her hand, lay her gently on his bed and make love to her. Either way he would ask to be shown that she wanted him; he  _always_  needed to be shown. He was unknowable and unpredictable. In more tender moments, he would come to her, crawl beside her and they would simply hold each other, without expectation or pretence.

Sometimes he excited her, and other times, if she would dare to admit it, he troubled her. Always he amazed her. She clung to the moments of tenderness and clutched them to her chest.

* * *

_Monday Morning_

Hermione ran her hands across the vial of a potentially brilliant healing draught. She needed to figure out the potency, but otherwise it was almost ready to go. She was beginning to understand ways to improve her recipes without altering their properties, and she was also coming to learn how to speed up the stewing time. She had thought originally that she might need to use different ingredients for each potion, but an off-hand comment from Severus about antidotes had encouraged her. It might be much easier than that. If an Antidote to Common Poisons potion could treat such an array of ailments, of differing severities - animal and chemical - then surely there could be a standard potion or an ingredient that could be used in each draught to decrease stewing time. It really shouldn't be so difficult, she thought, but it was. Neither she, Severus nor Slughorn could figure it out, and time was of the essence.

Hermione lay on the bed with her knees hitched up. She rested a book in her lap and mindlessly flicked through the pages. She could hardly take in a word of it. Her mind wrestled with healing potions and upcoming wars and missing her friends. She had Lavender, Katie and Susan and they were wonderful, but life was not the same on the outside of the Golden Trio. She wondered what Harry and Ginny were doing at that moment, but she tripped over her thoughts as they fell out of her head when the bathroom door opened. Severus walked tall with his shirt half buttoned and his belt slung open and unfastened. The cotton crinkled over his chest and his damp hair feathered to his shoulders. She looked at him with hungry eyes and he gave a muted chuckle.

"I had planned on reading", he said raising an eyebrow.

"Read after."

* * *

_Monday Evening_

"I missed you today", Severus said, as he pulled the cover aside and climbed into the bed beside her.

"You did?"

"I miss you often, in fact."

"You do?!"

Severus' low and lovely laugh took Hermione's fear, and wrapped it tightly in golden cloth, warming her; protecting her from the sting of its frozen intensity. He kissed her on the forehead and tucked her hair behind her ear so that he could see her face.

"This room is a refuge, and you are my sanctuary. No matter what atrocities I face out there, I know that I will be safe and at peace in here. With you."

* * *

_Tuesday Morning_

Hermione and Slughorn worked tirelessly in between classes on antidotes and antivenoms. Snape had mentioned Nagini one morning in passing and it had struck her. Arthur had nearly died in her fifth year when he was attacked by the snake. He had been found in the nick of time and it had taken numerous healers weeks to cure him. If Nagini were to attack at the battle, there would be no time - they wouldn't have  _weeks._ There too was the problem that there was a limited supply of capable healers. Dumbledore had only managed to secure two for The Order, from St. Mungo's. As such it would be up to hospital staff at Hogwarts to cure these wounds. Poppy Pomfrey was a formidable nurse, but she was one single woman. Even with Lavender, Katie, Susan and the two young wizards that Hermione had yet to be introduced to, at her side, she would surely stumble at such a hurdle.

Severus moved into the Potions classroom, his arms laden with a stack of books, his wand between his fingers underneath. Behind him followed more textbooks that hovered. He dropped the books on the desk and with a flick of his wand, some twenty five more books sailed into the room and landed next to the others.

"I think you will find something of use in one of these?"

"Severus!" Slughorn snorted. "This is preposterous. You couldn't narrow them down to one or two?"

"My apologies, Horace, I don't have the time this morning, but I figured you and Granger could get through some. I could join you after fifth period? I might be able to spare an hour?"

"Don't worry about it", Hermione said softly. "We'll manage."

"I have no doubt."

* * *

_Tuesday Evening_

The cold air tugged at Hermione's bones and nibbled at her skin until it was all gooseflesh. She loved November - the world draped in its autumn blanket of burnt oranges and rusty gold. It meant woolly jumpers and thick scarves and toffee apples and fireworks. She stood out on the balcony and watched the sun set. The wind wrapped itself around her and billowed through her clothes. Severus approached with a glass of wine in each hand and handed her one. She took a sip and leant back into his strong frame behind her, as he placed his arm around her waist and kissed the crown of her head. They stood together in silence and enjoyed the low bustle from the grounds below, as the sky broke to a Prussian blue. Severus turned Hermione around to face him and placed one hand on the dimples in the small of her back. He took her hand in his other and he cradled her as though they were dancing. The grounds fell silent, and neither lifted a foot, but there was music between them.

* * *

_Wednesday Morning_

"I'm almost content, Hermione. I can hardly believe it, but I am. Here with you, I am almost...  _happy_."

"I'm happy here with you.  _You_  make me happy."

"I want to see."

He took his wand from the nightstand.

"May I?"

* * *

_Wednesday Evening_

The door swung open and Hermione jumped with a start. Severus tore his cloak from his back and left it in a crumpled heap on the floor. His eyes were jet black and his stare was cold. Hermione felt herself physically recoil and tried to make herself smaller in his armchair. He snatched off his belt and threw it with his cloak. He sat before his desk and grumbled under his breath. He began to look for something, and having not located it in the twelve seconds he had searched, he swept his hands across the desk and flung all the papers to the floor. He roared and slumped back in his chair. Hermione felt her blood run to her limbs - to her fists, if she chose to fight, and to her feet if she chose to run.

She chose to stay. She would always stay.

For the first time, she found herself wondering if perhaps it wasn't healthy that she'd frozen stiff in the presence of the man she...  _cared for? loved? liked a whole bunch?_  She didn't know how she felt anymore. He had yet to be cruel to her, but he was so often morose, that he would be ill-tempered around her in this way and she wasn't sure that she was handling it very well. She had chosen ignorance for the most part. She watched him from the sanctuary of her chair and hoped not to stir him. Eventually, she saw his body physically unlock and she felt her limbs release their tension in kind.

He sank to his knees and collected the papers. Some of them were hers, she realised. He sorted them and stacked her work neatly in a pile.  
"I'm sorry I left my stuff everywhere", she offered. "I know I made a mess."

He snapped round to face her as though he hadn't known she'd been there.  
"No, don't be", he said in a soothing tone, "you are as welcome to make your mess here as I am."

Hermione pulled herself out of the chair and approached Severus cautiously. He held his arms out to bring her into his embrace.

"I've had a bad day."

"Bella or  _You_ _Know Who_?"

" _The Dark Lord_. Stop calling him ' _You Know Who_ '!"

"I'll stop calling him ' _You Know Who'_  when you stop calling him ' _The Dark Lord'._ Now, would you like to talk about it?" she asked.

She knew already what his answer would be. The only mystery was at what volume he would make his distaste known.

"Nope... I'm going to bed."

"Okay."

"You're coming too, yes?" he said, nodding.

_I'm so tired. I have waited for you all night. I just want to sleep. God you look good, though. I suppose I can sleep later._

"Okay."

"Do you want to face  _me_ , or the wall?"

_Whichever will make you finish faster, I have classes first thing._

"Whichever you prefer", she said. "You'll need your wand, I suppose?"

"Yes. Show me you want me."

* * *

_Thursday Morning_

Hermione could smell Bellatrix the minute Severus walked through the door. He kicked his boots off and shuddered.

"You've been with her again, haven't you?"

"I'm going to take a shower. I'll leave the door unlocked so you can join me."

* * *

_Thursday Evening_

Severus was a picture of unhappiness. When he removed his shirt she saw why. His black chest hair was thick with blood. There were lacerations up his side and what looked suspiciously like a cigar burn on his protruding collarbone.

"Who did that this time? Mr or Mrs Lestrange?" Hermione asked; her voice came in a tremor.

"Neither", Snape said, in a pathetic groan, "this is all courtesy of  _The Dark Lord_."

"I'll get the Dittany", Hermione said, as though it was perfectly normal to have to heal your lover when he returns to you.

It had become their own version of normal.

"Talk to me?" Hermione urged gently.

Severus sat in the bath with the bloodied water up to his waist. She washed his back with a sponge in her soft hand and wrung the water back into the tub. Its pink hue knotted her stomach; she should surely be used to it by now. He leant back in the tub so that Hermione could tend to the stains on his chest.

"Please, Severus. Please talk to me?"

It was that simpering, begging tone again in her voice that irked her. She heard it all the time now. It wasn't  _her_  voice; it belonged to someone much more piteous than she. Hermione tried to even the sound until it became a voice that she recognised but each time her words left her mouth, she pressed her lips together and begged herself not to speak.

When Severus finally looked at her, she didn't like what she saw. Of all of the versions of this man she had seen, from brimming with pleasure, to crimson with anger, it was this Severus that hurt her. The shattered man; heavy with deepest sorrow.

"What do you want to know?" he asked, eventually, in such a way that she knew it aggrieved him to do so.

"You said  _You Know Who_  did this to you?"

"Yes... it's quite typical. He was angry. When he is angry, he lashes out."

"Was he angry with you?"

Severus sunk into the bath until the water played under his chin.

"Can we talk about it later?"

"Sure."

_We won't talk about this later._

Hermione ached behind her ribcage. It broke her heart when he left, and it hurt further still when he returned to her in tatters. Severus lay in a pathetic lump on the bed and Hermione tended again to his wounds, ensuring that they were fully healed. He whimpered at her touch. At least he'd stopped fighting her now and he let her work. It took half the time when he cooperated. When she was happy that the cuts were fully healed an hour later, she crawled into the bed next to him and rested her head on his shoulder. He stared at the ceiling. She wondered if he even knew she was there. He lay in silence until eventually sleep wrapped its hands around him and pulled him in. Hermione watched his chest rise and she held her breath until it fell; she breathed out, as he did. She followed him, inhale for inhale - exhale for exhale - as if this act of intimacy and familiarity could bring him closer to her.

She tried to recall if they had ever had a day without heartache. It seemed they were cursed with misery. Misery had a hold on Severus and Hermione felt its claws grasping for her too. She had had her fair share of misery too, Hermione thought. Circumstance had made her strong, but the world had made Severus harsh. Some people, like Harry or Neville, come out of torment as a softer person, but those like Severus, came out freezing cold with sharp edges ready to cut anyone who got too close. Then there were those, like Tom Riddle, who had been undone so terribly by their happenstance that they were incapable of fundamental human emotion and experiences. He had become a man who would defile his so-called 'most trusted', for what? Not treachery - he wouldn't have lived - perhaps not even as punishment. Maybe...  _Lord Voldemort..._  hurt people simply to remind them that he could.

* * *

_Friday Morning_

"How are you feeling?"

"I feel okay. As long as you are with me, I will always be okay."

* * *

_Friday Evening_

Hermione kissed Severus on the cheek and grabbed her favourite overcoat from the coat rack by Snape's door.

"Where are you going?" he asked, with his eyebrows drawn together in a comically puzzled look.

"Out with the girls..."

"Which girls?"

"Lavender, Katie and Susan... I told you yesterday."

Snape nodded.  
"Perhaps you did."

"Weren't you paying attention?"

"I suppose not", he drawled. "My apologies. Be good."

Hermione shot him a smile, winked at him and made for the door.

"Hermione, will you come back here or to your room?"

"Here? If that's okay?"

"Yes, fine. Try not to wake me?"

Hermione nodded and moved back towards him as he pulled out of his chair and met her halfway. His face softened, and his voice followed suit.

"Unless you're in trouble... You can always wake me if you need me, you know that don't you? However, I must say that if I have to pry another balding sex pest from one of your friends, I will not be happy. If I have to pry one from  _you_ , he will not leave with his head attached to his body."

"Fair enough. I'll make sure everyone behaves themselves."

"Please do", Severus said, his voice returning to his bored drawl. "Keep an eye on Miss Brown, won't you? Oh and Hermione..."

He surveyed her; his eyes fell from her face to her waist and back up.

"... When you inevitably  _do_  wake me, I plan on tearing off whatever silly little dress you end up wearing, so don't keep me waiting too long."

* * *

_Saturday Morning_

"Are you finished with the paper?" Severus asked, holding a cup of coffee in his hand.

"What? Oh," she brushed sleep from the corner of her eyes. "Yes, I'm done."

He exchanged the coffee for the paper and sat beside her.

"Anything I should know about?"

"I'm not in it today, if that's what you mean? No unflattering pictures of me in a little dress this morning, I'm afraid. I told you I would behave myself."

She grinned at him and he narrowed his eyes playfully.

"Pity."

* * *

_Saturday Evening_

"What happened?"

Severus balled his fists and hammered his hands on the table.

"How many times have I to tell you I don't want to fucking talk about it?" he yelled.

"Don't shout at me, Severus", Hermione snapped, "I'm not your punching bag!"

Snape moved towards Hermione and pulled open his shirt.

"I know", he said, "I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you."

"I'm not your whore, either."

"Have I ever said that you are?"

Hermione clenched her jaw.  
"It's not what you say, it's the way that you treat me."

"And how do I treat you?"

His voice was thick with irritation, and Hermione felt her fingers curl into her fists in response.

"Like I'm just a hole in a mattress."

He stared at her and raised an eyebrow.  
"What the devil are you talking about?"

"Do you even care about me?"

"Where is this coming from? You know that I... that I..."

"You can't even bring yourself to say it."

"So what?"

"Forget it", she said.

He moved towards her with an apologetic smile that she wasn't certain was genuine. As he swept his hands down her flank she felt her resolve weaken and when he pressed his lips to her neck however, she forgot to be angry all together and melted under his touch. He pulled up her dress, moved his wandering hands between her thighs and pushed aside her knickers.

"Do you want me?" he asked.

"Yes, Severus", Hermione breathed.

"Let me see?"

Hermione met his stare defiantly.  
"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm mad at you right now and I don't want you to see it. It doesn't change how I feel about you. I can't show you all the time. Sometimes you need to just let me feel how I feel, and trust that I will come back to you. Because I will  _always_  come back to you."

He rolled his eyes.

"Ugh. Fine. Get on the desk."


	12. Lingered

**12\. LINGERED**

As November came to a close, Hermione finally accepted what she had known all along. Severus was depressed. How he had managed to walk the line between good and evil all this time and remain relatively sane was beyond her. If she had to play good guy, then bad guy, in quick succession and be convincing in both roles; never once letting up that you're neither one nor the other? Hermione would have cracked long ago. She'd spent the last thirty two nights in his bed and she'd seen the change in him- he flashed from wonderful man to deplorable bastard in the space of a couple of hours, it seemed.

In the last few days, he had hardly acknowledged her. They ate together in silence, he neglected to shave; he was neither kind nor cruel. He was empty, and she was left to wallow in the shallow pool of his numbness. He stared at the forest green wallpaper as though the subtle pattern had drawn life and haunted him.

She held him tightly in the rare evenings that he would allow her to be close to him. Hermione tried to remember the last time she had felt like he wanted her.  _He_  felt wanted all the time - demanded to know that she cared for him - that she was aroused by him - pointing that audacious little stick to her temple and saying 'show me'.

_SHOW ME SHOW ME SHOW ME._

Sometimes she felt like grabbing her own wand and demanding the same. Would he let her in?  _Unlikely._  Would she even be able to manage the spell?  _Probably not._

Hermione  _missed_  him; she missed him even when he was in the room with her. He had fallen into a mile deep pit of despair that she couldn't drag him out of. She had tried. She had given him everything he'd asked for, and still it wasn't enough. Of course, it wasn't. She knew that there was nothing she could do for him. Nothing seemed to mean anything to him. That didn't end with her. She too, was meaningless.

The tender moments had faded to brief snatches of time, but they would evaporate into nothingness when she tried to catch them in her hands. He didn't hold her, or kiss her. He didn't read with her, or dance with her, or even talk with her sometimes. They had lived almost as strangers for the last two weeks. This was not a marriage, it wasn't even a relationship, so why couldn't she walk away? She argued with herself every time the thought came to her. She fought logic with reason.

Logic -  _you_  are not happy, you need to leave.

Reason -  _he_  is unhappy, he needs you to stay.

Lavender was a good distraction. She was always ready with a kind word, a bottle of Firewhisky, a little black dress and a pair of heels to help take her away from the world for a moment. Susan always had a joke to crack or a tale to tell. She had an arm of reassurance and a second bottle of Firewhisky. Katie came with snacks and games and music. Anything to take Hermione away. They were the only light in Hermione's life. They held her together when she threatened to fall apart, and threatened to tear Severus apart when he wasn't holding it together.

He was frightened too. She didn't know exactly what, because he wasn't inclined to speak with her on the matter, but something was happening on the dark end of the spectrum. Voldemort was beginning to formulate a new plan. It was the beginning of the end, as Severus called it, and Hermione was not prepared. She'd gotten a lot of her potions mastered, but there was still such a long stew time that they'd be useless when the time for battle came. She had decided that if she couldn't drop the stewing time, then she could at least try to be prepared.

She gathered all of the ingredients she could from the potion storeroom, stockpiled in orders from apothecaries and growers all over the UK and had Neville send up everything he had that he wasn't in desperate need of. She would make between four and thirty vials of each potion- from the basics, to the tried and tested, to Severus and Slughorn's recipes, to her own creations. The one that still bothered her most was the Werewolf Antivenom. She was determined that she would complete it. Severus however had lost his interest earlier in the week and in the last couple of days, he had all but ridiculed her for even trying.

* * *

_Sunday_

Darkness settled in her room and Hermione tucked herself into bed next to Severus. She had thought he was asleep, but she felt him turn behind her.

"I need you", he said, coldly.

He didn't sound like he needed her. He sounded like he  _wanted_  her. She couldn't explain why the difference mattered, but it did. All of a sudden  _want_  and  _need_  were strangers that Hermione couldn't reconcile. Her chest sagged as he pulled her towards him.

_Had he been right before? Had she enjoyed seeing him in pain because she wanted to fix him? Was she only so unhappy now because it turned out, as he had told her from the start, that she couldn't?_

"I want to sleep", she said.

"Sleep afterwards..."

"Severus, I'm tired."

Hermione didn't want to fight, and so the argument died on her lips before she had chance to even formulate it. They both knew what he wanted, and they both knew that she would give it to him.

_Am I letting him cross a line?_

The thought came to Hermione in the form of a cold voice that terrified her. She recognised it as her own, but it was weak and pathetic.

_Do you really want this?_

'Yes', she told the voice, daring it to disagree.

Severus moved on top of her and she stifled a moan.

The pathetic voice came again, louder and more terrible.

_How much will you let him take from you in the name of 'comfort'?_

'Go away' she told it.

Hermione closed her eyes and tried to focus only on the pleasure she felt but again the voice came.

_He takes from you without giving anything in return. He takes your words, your ideas, your body; your love! He takes it all knowing that you will give it to him without question. He uses you._

She ignored it, opening her eyes to take in the beauty of Severus' sharp features. Except he was not beautiful. He was twisted and anguished; bitter and bereft. He pulled himself off her, and looked at her with horror in his eyes and shame on his lips.

_You see. You disgust him. You are pathetic. You are worthless. You are nothing to him._

"No!"

It was Severus who answered the voice, not Hermione.

"Severus?"

"You are not nothing."

Hermione pulled the sheet over her naked body with a snap.

"Excuse me?"

"You're not... you said..."

"I didn't  _say_ anything!"

Snape's eyes fell to his wand on the nightstand.

"What the fuck, Severus? You were in my thoughts?!"

"Not on purpose."

"Sorry, what? You just  _accidentally_  read my mind?"

Severus' face was blank.

"Yes."

Hermione stared at him in disbelief. She felt a physical pain like a crack right through her heart.

"I was thinking about how much I wanted to cast  _'Legilimens_ ' so I could see your pleasure, and then I was in your thoughts. I didn't mean to."

"How long were you in there?"

He dropped his head in shame."Long enough."

"So when you realised what you had done,  _by accident,_ you didn't try to break it? You just... stayed?"

"I- I don't- I didn't mean-"

"Severus, what the hell? That's not okay!"

"I know!"

He moved frantically to take her in his arm; to kiss her, but she snatched her head away.

"I think maybe you should go. Although you probably  _know that already_."

She wanted so desperately to understand him. She wanted to forgive him. She knew that he wasn't himself.

_Or is he? Is this just who he is?_

"Hermione. Let me explain."

Hermione pulled the sheets up further and tucked her knees beneath her.

"You don't need to. I understand perfectly."

"No, you don't. Listen... I didn't mean to cast the spell, I swear. This has never happened before. I tried to break out of your head, I swear I did, but then I heard that voice. What the hell was that? When I felt your doubt, I lingered, I'm sorry... Hermione, those awful things you thought, they're not- it's not..."

"Don't bother. I don't want to hear it."

"Hermione, please don't think you don't mean-"

"I said no! I'm angry right now, no actually, I'm fuming. I don't want to say anything I will regret, so please just go, Severus."

She threw his shirt at him and he began to whimper.

"No. Don't make me leave! I need you."

"You need to fuck me more like," she mumbled.

"What? No, I need  _you_. I need your distraction. I need your comfort.."

"What about what  _I_  need, Severus? What about  _my_  comfort?"

His face contorted with confusion.

"What about it? Are you not... I thought you were happy."

"Please. I am asking you nicely... walk away, so that I can think. I just need some space."

"No! I don't want to leave."

"Oh my God, just go!"

Severus stared blankly at Hermione.

"GET OUT!"

Neither said a word as he pulled on his trousers and grabbed his things. Hermione fell into a pathetic lump on the bed, and when the latch of the door clicked behind Severus, she succumbed to her agony and sobbed.

* * *

Hermione didn't acknowledge Severus at all the next day. He did try to get her attention, but she still hadn't processed her feelings. She had to handle him with care, which meant that she couldn't tell him exactly how she was feeling. She didn't want to lump him with more hurt. She avoided his gaze whenever she felt it burn hot on her cheek. She didn't want to speak with him, and so she couldn't bring herself to even look at him. She wondered if she was being childish. There had to be a way to deal with the situation without doing more damage, yet every remedy she proposed opened the door to more anguish.

He did not try to catch her attention for the rest of the week.

They both sat in the Great Hall for lunch. It was the weekend, and so the usual din of some 250 voices was but the chatter of those who weren't yet old enough to visit Hogsmeade. Severus sat at the end of the Slytherin table with Horace Slughorn. Occasionally Hermione would allow her eyes to drift up to where he sat and drink him in, before remembering that she was mad at him.

The most simple and honest part of her wanted to run to him and tell him that everything was okay and that she forgave him, but although honest, Hermione was not simple. Nothing about their relationship was simple either; she feared that neither was it honest.

_Could a relationship born from misery ever be true? Could a miserable man be trusted?_

Everything had been contaminated from the outset. He had said that on their first night, had he not?

_"It feels wrong... like it's tainted by what she did"._

Severus looked up and their eyes met. He dropped his gaze immediately, and busied himself in conversation with Slughorn. Hermione didn't clear her plate. She excused herself from the table and took to her room.

* * *

Hermione perched on the end of Lavender's bed and pulled a pair of tights over one foot and then the other. She stood up and extended them to the full length of her leg. Susan lazed on top of the sheets; she'd been ready to go since quarter past and it was almost quarter to. Lavender sat at the dresser and pinned her curls into a half up, half down style that Hermione had suggested.

"How long has it been since you last spoke to him?" Lavender asked, with a bobby pin wedged between her teeth. "A week?"

"Just over, yeah. He's not talking to me either, I don't think."

"I'm surprised you've both managed to hold out so long", Susan said.

"I am too. I've felt like going to see him a couple of times, but I think that we both need our space right now... Right?"

She looked to her friends for reassurance as she often did. They had not failed her yet.

"Definitely", Lavender said. "You've put his needs above yours for the last three months, it's about time you put yourself first."

"I know, but I just can't stop thinking about him. I want to go to him and try sort it out. I know I've not handled it very well, but I don't know what else I can do. I just feel guilty, I guess."

Susan sat up and locked her eyes with Hermione.

"Don't. Not even for a moment. Never feel guilty for doing what you need to do to protect yourself."

"I suppose."

"From the little you've told us, it sounds like he's pretty damaged. There's only so much you can do to save someone. I know you Gryffindors love your causes; we do too, but what Hufflepuffs know that Gryffindors always seem to forget is that you  _can_  walk away from something or someone that hurts you. It's not brave to hurt yourself to avoid hurting someone else, it's idiotic."

"God", Hermione said, "you sound like Severus."

"Well, there's no need to sling insults, Granger."

"Ha!"

Susan stood up and helped Hermione with the zipper on the back of the dress she had borrowed from Lavender. It was a good job that she and Lavender wore the same size, otherwise Hermione would have shown up to The Three Broomsticks in jeans and a jumper or her potion-stained robes. Being with Lavender and Susan, and Katie too, was as close to feeling at home as she'd had in such a long time. There was warmth in their gentle bickering and humour.

Lavender applied a second coat of pink lip gloss.

"Listen", she said, dabbing the corner of her mouth with her ring finger, "you were in pieces when you got here. What happened between you and Ron damn near almost destroyed you. I won't stand by and let it happen again, do you hear me?"

Hermione smiled. What an incredible little lioness Lavender was.

"... However, there's something different this time", Lavender continued. "I can't understand it, but whenever you talk about him, even when he's pissed you off, your entire face lights up. If you ask me, you're in love with him, and that complicates things."

Susan looked at Hermione with an expectant stare."Well... are you?"

"Maybe?"

"Ha!" Lavender laughed, "I knew it".

"Well that  _does_  complicate things", Susan said. "Okay, Granger. You need to tell us everything; everything that's not a secret anyway. You said you were feeling guilty. Why? What's eating at you?"

Hermione pulled on a pair of Lavender's heeled boots and tied the laces into a firm knot. She dropped her head and made a strangled, irritable, guttural sound.

Susan looked both amused and concerned in equal measure.

"Granger?"

"Oh god, I don't know exactly what is bothering me most. I feel guilty for asking him to leave in the first place, but I know that I needed to. But I haven't talked to him about it since? I just walked away. I got so tired of him blowing hot and cold, or showing up to demand sex like he paid for it. I thought there was something between us, you know? I thought that he felt what  _I_  feel. But recently I've started to feel like I could be anyone. I could Polyjuice myself into Irma Pince and he wouldn't even notice as long as I spread my legs for him."

"This is why I don't date men", Susan said, and rolled her eyes. "Disgusting".

"Right, come on!" Lavender said. "Tell us on the way? We can walk into Hogsmeade, right? It's not snowing tonight."

Hermione nodded and Susan made it to the door in seconds, clearly she'd been itching to leave. Lavender grabbed her handbag and strolled through the door, locking it behind her with a flick of her wand.

"Mimi, you were friends first, right?"

"Yeah, I guess we were."

"Then maybe, he thinks it's like a 'friends with benefits' situation you have going on, but neither of you have talked about it, so you're caught in misunderstanding?"

"Maybe? But I don't think that's what it is. There was an emotional connection there, I know it. He was kind and vulnerable at times. I thought that he returned my feelings, but maybe I was deluding myself? I'm sure he must know how I feel about it since he's been in my mind... more than once."

Susan stopped in her tracks."Hold on. What do you mean, he's been 'in your mind'?"

Hermione grimaced."I didn't mention that before, did I?"

"Nope! Start talking, Granger."

"Right well, I err... I let him use Legilimency so he could see that I was into him. He thought I pitied him at first, so I showed him how I felt about him; that I really wanted him, you know?"

"How many times?" Susan asked, in a sharp tone that caught Hermione's attention.

"Err... Well, I don't know. Pretty much every time we-"

Lavender slapped her hand to her forehead in sheer disbelief.

"Mimi! I thought you were smarter than this! What is the matter with you?! You showed Snape...  _Snape..._ that you wanted him. You allowed that miserable, old bastard to see inside your mind.  _Your mind_ , which by the way,  _is your most precious gift_. You've probably given him a glimpse at something he's wanted all his life; a pretty girl finally fancies him. Of course he's trying to get up on you at all hours of the day and night."

Hermione's face twisted.

"Alright, L, play nice. What I think Lavender is saying..." Susan said gently, "... is that affection and attraction are addictive. He doesn't hold himself in very high esteem, by the sound of it. He's confident in his abilities, but he's insecure about... well... he thinks very little of himself, right?"

Hermione nodded.

"Okay, so imagine you had such low self-esteem that you thought nobody would  _ever_  find you desirable; that nobody would ever love you. Then all of a sudden a kind, beautiful woman who is your intellectual equal, lets you into her thoughts and shows you just how attractive she finds you. It's probably more love and affection than he's ever had in his life, Hermione. Your version of Snape is worlds apart from the version he has of himself, isn't it? He probably can't get enough."

"You think?"

Susan gave a solemn nod.

"Yeah. If someone showed me how I made them feel - if I could see myself through someone else's eyes, and I liked what I saw - I'd want to see it every minute of every day."

"He doesn't love me, does he?"

"I don't know, Hermione. But I don't think so, no. I'm sorry."

Lavender put her arm around Hermione."I can't say I entirely disagree with Bones, but we don't know how he feels, do we? So we can't make a judgment. He's not exactly the most expressive type - I can't imagine he talks about his feelings?"

"Does he even have feelings?" Susan asked, and although her question was harsh, her face was soft and Hermione knew it was a genuine one.

"Yes, he does. Sometimes he shares them."

"Then maybe he does love you", Susan said, gently. "All I'm saying is that Snape is complex and dark and as such, he is  _dangerous_. I don't want to see you get hurt. I'm sorry but I'm glad that you asked him to leave. I think you need to concentrate on what  _you_  want and not on what  _he_  wants."

"I agree", Lavender said, "but something tells me that he loves you too. Not that that should inform your decision. It doesn't matter how much he loves you, if he's treating you poorly..."

Lavender raised her hand to stop Hermione's interruption.

"... Even if he doesn't mean to."

Hermione felt her chest constrict.

"But say he  _does_  love me, Lavender - if our disastrous relationship is a loving one - then what the hell kind of love is it?"

"Just because somebody doesn't love you the way that you want them to love you, doesn't mean that they don't love you with all that they have..."

She trailed off as if in deep thought.

"That's true", Susan said, "but you deserve to be loved the way that you want to be loved, Hermione. I'm sure that underneath all the misery and attitude there is a good man who deserves you, but by the sounds of things there are years of solitude, darkness and heartache to unpack. Not to mention whatever it is that has him so depressed now. You can't do that for him. He needs to do it for himself, you know?"

"Yes", Hermione said and the truth of Susan's words stung her.

"I hope that you can work it out, though, I really do. I don't know him like you do, but he deserves to be happy too."

"He really does."

Susan turned to Lavender who had yet to return to the conversation.

"Hey", she said, putting a hand on her shoulder, "you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking..."

"Penny for 'em?" Susan asked.

Lavender sighed."I was just thinking how terrifying and lonely it can be... being in love with someone."

Hermione gave Lavender an empathetic smile."You're talking about Dean?"

"Yeah", Lavender said, in a low and longing tone that wrapped its fingers around Hermione.

She understood what it meant; Lavender felt it too. Hermione was not the only one who was left to navigate a relationship that was battered by the war.

"I really miss him", Lavender said and dropped her gaze to the floor. "It won't be long now, will it? The battle. I'm afraid for him. I'm afraid for us all, of course, but Dean has his orders to be in  _Hogsmeade_ ; he won't be in the castle. He'll be with Seamus and Mr. Dumbledore, sure, but otherwise, the three of them will be alone and unprotected. What if he... what if...?"

"Hey now. Aberforth is a brilliant wizard", Susan said with a voice of reassurance. "He'll protect him and Seamus both. They are probably safer than all of us."

"I hope so", Lavender said, "because even if we're not together, the idea of him being safe somewhere in the world... it keeps me sane."

_Severus was alive in the world but Hermione could not be sure that he was safe. How could she ever be sane as long as he was in danger?_

"Sorry for changing the subject, Mimi. Whatever you decide to do with Sn... Severus, we'll support you. Won't we, Bones?"

"Absolutely."

Hermione pulled Lavender in for a hug and Lavender's arms wrapped tightly around her waist. The comfort and stability of the embrace was something that Hermione hadn't realised she'd needed. When Susan threw her long arms around the two of them, Hermione felt at ease. Something shifted inside her, stirring a joy she had sorely missed. It was because of her friendship with these women that she knew she could handle whatever came next with Severus. If she needed support, she had it. If only she had confided in them sooner. She would go to him, she decided. Not just for his benefit, but for her own.

It was such a wonderful thing to have once been so lost; to have been found battered and worn down by the world, but to have at least, been  _found._  These girls had found her, pulled her to her feet and dusted her off. They had tucked her under their wings, loved her, and kept her safe. In that moment, it was everything she had ever needed. She was sane, because  _they_  were safe somewhere in the world. There is more than one kind of love after all.

"Bloody hell", Lavender said, pulling herself from the hug. "There will be no more misery tonight, okay? Only happiness from now on. I swear to the gods, we're in these hallways in floods of tears at least once a fortnight."

"Right?" Susan said with a hearty laugh. "The kids probably think we're a terminal illness support group or something!"

"Mimi, Bones... I beg of you... Can we just go to the pub now?"

"Yes, let's", Hermione said. "I'll get the first round in."


	13. Cartharsis

**13\. CATHARSIS**

The next morning, a tenderly hungover Hermione walked the halls from her quarters, to the Potions classroom. Ever since she and Snape had ended their... agreement, Hermione had been forced to do her research in the classroom, which was neither as comfortable nor as clean as Severus' rooms. However, it worked just as well. She had been able to work on improving her healing draughts, with the supervision of Slughorn. Although he did not push her as hard as Snape would have, he was still a good mentor and he guided her through the parts that she didn't quite have completely mastered. The draughts were beginning to come together. She'd created seventeen new recipes since she had begun making her own four months ago. Had it really been that long since she and Snape had sat in this very classroom?

Three of the potions she had created were for splinching accidents. Of course, Dittany worked well on its own to treat injuries to limbs, but as she had learned at great cost, it does not always work as well on the centre of the body; the head, the chest and the abdomen. She'd managed to cut the brewing time down to six days which was a massive improvement on the original three weeks; however it was not good enough. She needed to narrow that timeline down to hours, not days. She worked on them in all of her free time, only leaving when Lavender, as she had last night, had demanded that she needed to take a break. Hermione had also configured potions for very specific injuries and illnesses - she focused more on combative damage, knowing that that would be far more prevalent in a battle, and as much as her mind wandered to thoughts of Severus, or Harry, Ron and Ginny, her brain always centered itself on what what most important.  _They were at war._

Hermione had realised some time the week before that if she used mistletoe berries, used most commonly in antidotes, she could halve the stewing time of at least ten of the potions. It was handy that Christmas was just around the corner and mistletoe did not seem to be in short supply at Hogwarts. She had to be careful not to add too many berries, two berries per pint was perfect, any more and she ran the risk of poisoning the drinker. She'd learned the hard way, but Poppy Pomfrey had been more than pleased to give her a quick pepperup potion and send her back on her way.

The potion that was causing her the most trouble was still her Werewolf Antivenom. The wounds could be treated with Dittany and silver, but she had tried tirelessly to find a way to not only treat the wounded, but to save them from their lycanthropic fate. She only needed to look at Lupin a day or two after a full moon to see the true price of transitioning. The proposed potion, if administered soon enough, could stop the werewolf saliva before it contaminated the witch or wizard's blood. Slughorn had been impressed with her work, but he too had been stumped. He was certain it just couldn't be done. Hermione refused to agree. She was so close to perfecting it, she was sure of it.

* * *

It was nine on a Sunday morning and so she was surprised to see that she was not the only person in the halls. Her heart quickened as she approached the unmistakable shadow that was Severus Snape. He was formidable in black, but he was wearing neither his cloak nor frock coat. She hadn't seen him in this manner in a long time. His dark shirt hung out from his trousers, the tails crinkled and forlorn. His black boots were caked in mud and splashes of dirt led from his ankles to his knees. His face was unshaven, a patchwork of black and flecks of grey lined his jaw. His hair was longer and dirtier than she'd ever seen it. Hermione felt her legs turn to jelly, desperate to turn around and walk the other way; she had to fight them to stay upright, to stay focused.

Snape approached with an uncertain expression on his face, as if he, just like her, didn't have a clue how to handle the situation. They'd crossed paths before, but they had always been surrounded by students, or in company- this was the first time they had seen each other alone since she had banished him from her room.

"Hermione" Severus said stiffly, and gave her a nod.

"Yes... hello... hi."

His face was that of a broken man. She hated it. He had new scars on his neck and cheek, and she felt their reciprocal lacerations in her chest. He walked past her, but lingered just a foot behind her.

"Are you okay?" she asked cautiously.

Hermione watched his eyebrows furrow, not into the sneer that she expected but into a mournful expression of true heartache.

"Yes", he said. "And you... are you finding yourself... well?"

Hermione nodded. She didn't know what to say to him. What could she say? Her body ached to hold him, but she knew that she needed to stand firm. If they stood any chance of a future together, they needed to sort through their problems.

"Are you busy?" she asked, "I thought we might talk?"

His obsidian eyes turned to glass.

"Now you want to talk?"

"Yes. Come on", she said gently, moving to his side, "let's go talk."

Hermione sat at the library table with Severus to her right. Classes were over, so there was little chance of running into any students. The few that might have checked out a couple of books for some light holiday reading were probably at home with their families right now. Hermione felt a pang of longing for the Christmases she spent with her parents, and those she spent in the company of her other family- the Weasleys. Hermione shook off the feeling, and returned to look at Snape. She had thought that going to his quarters would be tempting fate. Really anywhere with a bed was dangerous territory. She needed to be sensible. If she walked away now, she could do so in one piece. Perhaps when Severus mended his own broken pieces, they would be together again as they had been before. God, she hoped that they would be together again.

Severus slumped into one of the chairs and looked at Hermione with a calm interest. If she'd been expecting him to help initiate the conversation, she had been sorely mistaken.

"You wanted to talk?" he said.

"Yes."

His face was blank and unreadable.

"Then talk."

She sat rigid on the chair and held his gaze for longer than was comfortable, unsure where to begin. He seemed to grow bored; losing his focus, he stared through her.

"How are you doing? I mean... how are you _really_  doing?"

"It's been a long week."

Hermione bowed her head."It has, hasn't it?"

Severus pushed his mane of black hair off his face, to reveal a poorly healed laceration on his throat.

"You're hurt."

"I have been hurt much of this week but you have not come to me."

"I'm sorry," she said. "Who hurt you this time?"

"Bella."

Hermione stiffened. His use of her nickname sent a shiver down her spine.

"Right, of course."

"She likes to play rough, I guess. She is quite the barbarian when she... err... well..."

Hermione tried to ignore the pang of jealousy."So you still... _go_  to her?"

"Yes. Sometimes."

"And you're okay? Physically and, you know,  _emotionally._  You're fine?"

"Well, I wouldn't say that. I have had the most difficult week and it has nothing to do with Death Eaters."

Hermione understood. She had hurt him.

"Your absence has been... tough on me. Listen, Hermione. I want to apologise. It does not come easily to me."

"I know."

"I- I fucked up. I am truly sorry for what I did."

Hermione's heart softened."I know you are. Thank you."

Severus lurched forward then and snatched her hands in his. His eyes were fixed on hers- dark and afraid and terrifying. He was a madman and a tortured boy all at once.

"How can I make it right? What will it take for you to forgive me?"

"I forgive you already, Severus. But I still... I don't think we're in the best place right now... you know?"

"You forgive me?"

Hermione gave him a little nod. His face filled with surprise, relief and hope. The sight was ripe to destroy her. She closed her eyes tightly."Yes, I forgive you but..."

"But you don't want me anymore?"

She couldn't answer. She did, of course, but how could she explain it?

"Hermione... are we over?"

"I don't know."

Snape put his hand carefully, fearfully on her knee."I don't understand."

Hermione raised her head to look at him."I don't either. I'm so sorry. I can't make sense of my feelings right now. I want to be here for you and I want to be  _with_  you. I told you, I will  _always_  come back to you. But we're not good for each other; you're not in the right place for a relationship right now. You know that, don't you?"

"No, not really."

"How can you not? It's our biggest problem, Severus. When you did _that,_ you really hurt me-"

"I didn't mean to", he said with a pathetic whine that both riled and disturbed her.

"I know, Severus. But you  _did_  hurt me. Not just with..."

She held her hand out to stop Snape who had opened his mouth to protest."Let me finish, please."

He nodded.

"You hurt me not just because you were in my head, without my permission- which was by itself an invasion of privacy so awful I can't even fathom it. It is not how you treat somebody that you... that you're...  _with_. I know you know that and I know you are sorry. I don't need you to be sorry. I need you to understand that I've not been happy for a while now. You've treated me with a weird indifference that I cannot understand-"

Severus folded his arms in defence.

"I've been dealing with... you know what I've been through!"

"I do. Please don't think that I don't know the strain that you are under, because I do. But it doesn't excuse your behaviour. You'd be cold and standoffish one minute and then you'd drag me to your quarters and kiss me and fuck me and make me feel..."

The lioness in her chest stood its ground.  _She had to be brave._

"You made me feel  _loved_ , Severus. I don't know if you meant to, but you did and it was incredible. And then, abruptly, with no warning, you would tear it down and I would feel like I was  _nothing_  to you - just a warm body - a sheath for your sword. I need to be more than that."

"I thought this was what you wanted?"

"I know that _I_  began this. I thought that I could cope, I didn't realise that..."

She thought the words she could not say. _I didn't realise that I would fall in love with you._

"I keep giving to you", she said instead, "I keep hoping that you will finally give in return, but you don't. You've hardly budged."

"What do you want me to give you? What is it that you need from me?"

 _Love_ , she thought.  _I want you to love me._

"I just need you to be more consistent. I feel like I've got fucking whiplash from being thrown every which way depending on what storm you bring home. Every time I thought we were getting somewhere, the world came crashing down and we were back to square one. I gave  _everything_ I had to Ron, to the point that when we were through, I hardly recognised myself. I can't do that again. I don't want it to be like that with you."

_I want us to love each other. I want us to be together. I want us to be happy._

Severus hung his head and hid his face.

"I want us to be happy. We're not happy, are we?"

"Fuck!" he yelled. "I'm sorry!"

"I know you are. It's not your fault. Please stop apologising, I hate it! It's nothing you have done. It's everything that has happened to us. It's who  _you_  are at loggerheads with who  _I_  am. I don't know... Maybe we're just incompatible?"

His fists clenched and Hermione moved back a fraction on her chair in response.

"Perhaps".

His voice came as ice.

"However it is far more likely because I am a tragic, intolerable heel who turns everything he touches to ash."

"Severus don't-"

"Tell me it's not true! Tell me that I didn't take the most precious thing in my life and squash it between my fingers like a bug. Tell me  _I_  didn't do this to us."

Hermione pushed his chin upwards so that she could look him in his eyes.

"You  _didn't_  do this. It's not your fault - I don't believe it is either of us - it's the situation. It's utter chaos, Severus. How could we possibly have ever made a normal relationship from the ashes of your trauma?"

"And that's what you want? A normal relationship?"

"Don't you?"

Severus sat forward in his chair and the lines in his face furrowed. He nodded and rested his hand on her shoulder."Perhaps but I... I don't know how."

Hermione breathed heavily. She would  _not_  cry. Not to-fucking-day."Exactly. I'm so afraid that we will only ever be two people who have sex and hurt each other."

Snape bit his lower lip and when he opened his mouth, there was a fleck of blood where his teeth had grazed his skin.

"But what would I do without you? I need you."

"Do you? You don't just need someone to love you without ever giving in return?"

He looked at her then with a wild hopefulness."Love?"

"No. Don't do that."

"You love me?" he asked.

_"Do you love me?"_

Severus let out a puff of air and covered his mouth with his fist.

"I  _need_  you. Is that not enough?"

"No, I want you to want to be with me."

"I do want to be with you. You are not listening to me. I need  _you_ , Hermione. Nobody else. I can't bear to be apart from _you_. These ten days have been the longest of my life. They have been _torture_. And I know torture! I would take a thousand cuts from  _The Dark Lord,_ before I lost you."

Hermione dropped her gaze to the floor. When she looked back at him, Severus threw his hands to her face and kissed her, hard, on her mouth.

"I won't do it again. I won't be without you. I need you", he said between kisses. "Don't deny me what I need."

Hermione answered the call of his heart by instinct and kissed him back. She parted her lips and his tongue swept through and met hers. She let out a pathetic mewl and her body turned limp in his arms.

_She loved him, she was certain. She had always loved him. There had never been any doubt. She was completely, madly, irrevocably in love with him._

He pulled his arms around her and lifted her from her seat. She wrapped her legs around him in response. Hermione flattened her hands to his chest and took desperate fistfuls of his shirt. All the while the sensible part of her brain was screaming at her to stop; to hold her nerve, to walk away now before he took off his clothes, and blinded her with his long and taut form. He pushed her down onto the library desk and groaned into her ear..

The sound shot her back to sanity. She put her hands to his chest and it took all of her strength to push him back instead of pulling him down and tearing off his shirt.

"Stop, Severus. We can't do this. Not right now. Nothing has changed."

"You don't want to?"

"I want to. God, I do, we have to be smart."

He kissed her on the temple and then spoke into her ear in a low voice; his words like honey."Smart is overrated. I want to be stupid."

Hermione felt her body weaken, but with a surge of courage, she managed to regain herself. She pushed him away again decisively; he stepped back and his face fell flat.

"I'm sorry", she said. "I can't. Everything is still as it was. Maybe we just need some space?"

"Please don't give me any more space. For the first time in my life I do not want space."

She was touched by his honesty and she smiled at him then."Okay, fine. No space. But we should at least take sex off the table."

"Just  _this_ table?" he asked, jutting his chin to the desk underneath them. "Or all of the tables?"

They shared a grin and Hermione felt the weight of the world lift from her shoulders. God he was so beautiful when he smiled. Why couldn't it always be like this? Why did pain have its hold on him; on them both?

"I'll speak with you tomorrow, Severus, okay? Remember, I am always here for you. When all of this is over... when you're...  _you_  again, we can start over? But right now, I need to go."

"Please stay. I don't have anybody else."

Hermione felt an irritable buzzing in her stomach, but she hushed it and spoke in an even tone.

"Severus, you have nobody else because you're cruel to people... you understand that, don't you?"

"People are cruel  _to me_!"

"Yes", Hermione snipped, forgetting herself. "People are cruel; the world is cruel. But you have pushed everyone in your life away. Maybe if you stopped treating people like they don't matter? I want you to have people in your life, Severus. You're a wonderful person- you deserve to have love and friendship."

He scoffed.

"You do! Look, I am and will always be here for you, but I can't be the only person you have in your corner. It's too much pressure. I'm not strong enough, do you understand? You are not the only broken person in this room!"

"I know. Just tell me what should I do?"

"Try to make connections with people? There are many wonderful people that would be happy to be your friend, if you could just be nicer to them?"

"Who do you suggest?" he mocked. "Albus? The reason I am still balls deep in evil, protecting Lily's son like a whipped guard dog! Or maybe Remus? The passive witness to the torment of my childhood?"

"Remus isn't a bad idea, actually. The two of you have much in common."

He glared at her, but ignored her words.

"Or Potter, perhaps?" he drawled. "Oh yes, I can picture it now. The two of us sharing a Butterbeer with two straws at The Hogs Head, reminiscing about his father and what a piece of-"

"Severus, just stop it!"

He slumped back in his chair."Sorry" he said, "I know I'm being a prick."

She smiled at him."Sorry... When are you not a prick?"

"Touché"

"I'm just asking you to take an interest in someone other than yourself, you know? I don't say that to be cruel, I just mean... how can you expect to make room for other people to share your life when you only ever function as a solitary unit? There's nothing admirable or mysterious about a lone wolf. They have either lost their pack, or they've been abandoned.  _Tha_ _t's sad_."

"But you know who I am", he said with a perplexed tilt of his head. "You've known it all this time."

"Yes, you're right", Hermione said, covering her heart with her hand. "And who you are is just perfect. But you can be who you are  _and_  open up to people. It's possible to be a sarcastic prick and still have fulfilling relationships. Don't you want that? Aren't you lonely?"

"Maybe a little", he said sourly.

"Then you have to learn to forgive people. Remus, for example. God, Severus, you carry your grudges around in suitcases. Aren't you tired from lugging around all that unnecessary weight?"

Hermione recognised the hypocrisy of her words. She had baggage of her own, chock full of resentment and past hurt.

"I don't want you to be alone in the world", she said.

"I won't be alone if I have you."

"You do have me... but probably not in the way that you want. Right now I think we should try regain our friendship? We need a more stable foundation if we're ever going to have anything more? Assuming that's something you want?"

"I think so."

Hermione realised that she'd drifted a little from the subject matter; having not intended to say quite so much. But something about releasing the words she hadn't known needed to be spoken, left her feeling ten times lighter.

"See you tomorrow, okay?"

She felt a wash of cathartic freedom as she kissed his cheek and walked away. It hurt to do so, of course; she loved him after all. She felt cruel as she did, but still she left him, bewildered and alone in the library.

* * *

Hermione pulled open the curtains the next morning, letting a shock of sunlight resonate around the room. She brushed her teeth for the second time that morning, pulled on her boots and opened her door. Minerva McGonagall stood before her with her fist aloft and they both shook their heads, with smiles and blinked in surprise.

"Good morning, Hermione. I didn't know you practiced  _Divination_."

McGonagall said the word 'Divination' with thinly veiled contempt.

"Ha! You know as well as I do that I... what was it Trelawney said? I have  _'very little receptivity to the resonances of the future_ '."

"Ah yes; she loves to spout her nonsense. Nonsense is her stock and trade after all."

Hermione laughed. She held so much love for this formidable woman, who understood her as well, if not better than her closest friends.

"I was just about to head down to the potions classroom", Hermione said, nodding into the empty corridor. "But if you wanted something?"

"Yes, I wondered if you had time for a quick chat? It's been a while since we've had chance to really to speak with one another."

"Yes, of course. Do you want to come in?"

Minerva peered into Hermione's tiny room.

"No that's fine. We can walk and talk. While I remember, these are for you..." McGonagall said, pulling from her robes, a thick pile of envelopes and parchment, bound with brown string. "Why they were not delivered directly to you, I don't know."

Hermione let out a bark of laughter as she took the pile of postage.

"I redirected my mail to the Owlery in fourth year during the Triwizard Tournament. Skeeter was talking all kinds of rubbish about me in the Prophet, do you remember?"

"Oh, I recall it all too well. Nasty old hag."

"Quite! If I'd received one more bloody howler I was going to lose my mind, so I had all of my post go to a pigeonhole in the Owlery.  _Owlhole_ , I suppose?Anyway... Thank you for delivering these. And yes, let's walk... after you?"

McGonagall stopped in the doorway."Hermione, are you quite alright? You seem rattled?"

"I'm fine, honestly, Minerva. I'm just... it's been a long few days."

Minerva nodded."Well, I just wanted to see how you are. I know you have been through a lot of late."

"How do you know that?"

"Severus."

"You've been speaking with him?"

"Oh yes, Hermione. In great depth, in fact. But I am not to breathe a word, and so I shan't. So, if you're sure you're okay?"

Hermione was desperate to know more but she understood that McGonagall's word was final, and she was a locked box when it came to secrets.

"Yes, thank you for checking on me. Are you well yourself?"

"Yes, yes. Quite well indeed, thank you. We can reconvene when you have more time if you would like - tea on Monday evening, perhaps?"

"That sounds lovely."

Hermione said goodbye to McGonagall when she reached the Potions classroom and opened her mail. It had been weeks since she'd checked for her post, largely because there was seldom anything worth reading. This time was no different, most of it was junk, however two letters in particular caught her attention. She recognised their handwriting immediately. There was one from Ginny, sealed with the Potter crest in scarlet, and to her surprise, another from Ron, penned in his cramped script.

 _Oh God,_  she thought.  _What do they want?_


	14. A Gift

**14\. A GIFT**

First she opened the letter from Ginny. Things were still a little rocky between them, but unlike the letter from Ron, she was not dreading its content. Ginny had always been sensible and kind. She imagined this letter would be no different.

* * *

_Dearest Hermione,_

_I hope this letter finds you well. I know that things have been difficult between us recently and I know that I am partly to blame. I hope that one day things will be almost as they were between us again. There is never enough time at The Order meetings to truly catch up. I worry that things will be awkward between us forever if we do not make the time to see each other. The reason I am writing, is to let you know that Harry and I welcomed our son, James, to the world last weekend. We are blissfully happy and all three of us are doing well. The only thing that is missing from our perfect picture is you. I do hope you will come visit us soon. Our door is always open and I will always make time for you. Please consider this as an open-ended invitation to come join us some time over the Christmas holidays. Or the summer holiday. Or any other day of the year. Please just come see us. We miss you!_

_Yours always in friendship,  
Ginny_

* * *

Hermione's face filled with a smile as she folded the letter away. God she missed them; Harry, Ginny and the rest of the Weasleys. Perhaps it was it finally time to go back to where she belonged? Years had passed since. Perhaps nothing would ever be as it was, but she had nothing to lose. She cautiously opened the letter from Ron. Their last encounter had been cold, if not, callous. Whatever his letter said would decide it for her.

* * *

_H,_

_I owe you an apology. The way I acted at Shell Cottage was unforgivable. Yet I hope you can find a way to forgive me, anyway. I was cruel to you and I should explain myself. Not that there's an explanation good enough. I was an idiot, a bloody idiot. It's no excuse but I know about you and Snape. I saw you._

_I thought I was seeing things at first because there was absolutely no way that you would let that ghoul touch you. Yet there he was, bold as brass, with his hands all over your body. You didn't recoil like you should have. You smiled. You liked it. I freaked out, okay? I know it's not my place to tell you who you can and cannot date, but Snape? Really? It just made me a little uncomfortable. Perhaps I was even jealous, I don't know. I know it's been years, but I still care about you and it's not easy for me to see you with someone else. Especially him._

_I can't even pretend to understand. I won't even bother trying. I will drive myself insane trying to figure out what you see in him. But you smiled, Hermione, and I've not seen your smile in such a long time. I hope that you are happy. I don't know if you are telling people about your relationship, but since nobody has mentioned anything to me, I assume that nobody else knows. As such I will keep your secret. I've not even told Juliette. Although she'd probably be upset that I even care at all. I will also try to be less rude to Snape. I guess if you trust him then I should too. After all, your instincts were usually correct._

_Anyway, I want you to know I am here for you if you need a friend. We all are. It's been so long since you've been back to The Burrow. Harry and Ginny live there now, and Mum and Dad still live at Grimmauld place. Juliette and I have built a house on a plot of land between The Burrow and the Lovegood place, so we'll always be nearby to help out when Baby Potter comes. Not long now! Please come visit soon. Mum always asks after you and I know Ginny misses you terribly. I know I've made a stinking mess of things, but you are always welcome here. I'll be on my best behaviour, I promise. I'm an idiot, but I am an idiot that cares for you very much._

_\- Ron_

* * *

Hermione and Lavender took their time as they made their approach to Shell Cottage. Hermione dragged her feet and kicked up the dirt and Susan tugged on Lavender's hand.

"Come on" Susan urged, "the sooner we get in there, the sooner we can leave."

"I don't see why we have to go to this thing anyway", Lavender griped. "What is there to bloody celebrate?

"We're closer than ever before to the end of the world?" Hermione asked, facetiously.

"Woohoo!"

"Lavender! What's gotten into you?"

"I'm just not in the mood, Bones."

Hermione's eyes met Susan's.  
"Parvati will be there, won't she?" Hermione said, shrugging her shoulders.

"Can't say I'm in much of a rush to bump into Dean either", Lavender said. "Ugh! When did everything become so complicated?"

"Don't ask me", Hermione laughed. "I don't remember a time when things were simple. Have they ever been?"

"No, I suppose not."

Shell Cottage was a show of festive cheer from the outside in. There was a large pine wreath pinned to the door, and the subtle twinkling of fairy lights lit the pathway. Inside, the lounge area had been charmed to accommodate the large crowd that attended. There were Christmas trees of all sizes, dusted with snow like frosting, in every conceivable corner and crevice. Snowflakes fell from the ceiling that turned to glitter when touched. It was a beautiful show and it stung Hermione. She had always loved Christmas - as a child, it was her favourite time of year because her mother and father would always close their practice and take her sledging at the first sign of snow. They'd unwrap a single gift before bed on Christmas Eve and then open the rest after breakfast on Christmas Day. It wouldn't be the same this year. She was in a room full of people she could potentially celebrate with and yet the idea only irritated her. She would spend Christmas alone, she decided.

The room was achatter; filled with the member of The Order and their allies. Dumbledore had maintained that their 'get together' was an important show of courage against the dark forces but Hermione thought that it was in reality, an excuse to get everybody together for what might be the last time. Lavender took a seat in the lounge next to Susan and glared daggers at Parvati who stood in conversation with her sister and Luna. Hermione wandered into the kitchen, as she always did at parties - maybe there was a little Hufflepuff in her after all. She approached Molly who fussed above innumerable plates covered in tin foil.

"Can I help you with anything, Mrs Weasley?"

Molly spun around and clutched her hand to her chest.

"Hermione!" she said happily and flung her arms around her. "It's good to see you, dear! Oh, you gave me such a fright."

"Do you need a hand?"

"No, no. It's all taken care of. Tell me - how are you? How is life at Hogwarts? How I've missed you."

Hermione politely answered questions and tried her best to act casually even when her head roared with the sheer stress of acting like everything was okay. There was still a palpable tension between Hermione and the Weasleys, but she knew that it was coming from her and not Molly, who was always a warm and welcoming presence. It was Hermione who stiffened in the hug and it was she who made her excuses and made her way to the dining room. She realised then that it was all her doing. All of it. She had alienated her family. And for what?

She caught sight of Ron in an instant. She stared past him to the magical clock on Bill and Fleur's wall. Like Molly's, it had hands that bore the faces of their loved ones. Each hand pointed at ' _mortal peril_ '. Hermione focused on Ron and when she realised that he was staring back at her, she dropped her gaze, unsure of his temper.

He approached with a cautious optimism and leant on the table beside her. He grimaced.

"Hey?"

She smiled at him, to let him know that all was forgiven.  
"I got your letter. Thank you."

She watched his entire body relax. Deciding that a quick change of subject would ease the tension, Hermione asked about Juliette. Ron's eyes lit up as he talked about her and Hermione wondered if he had ever looked so in love when he had spoken about her. Ginny popped her head around the door and peered into the dining room. Catching sight of Hermione, she moved in towards her with a beam of sunshine on her face.

"Oh Gods, Hermione!" Ginny said, "I'm so happy to see you!"

"I didn't think you'd be here. I can't believe you've just had a baby, Gin, you look lovely. Where is the little one? I'd love to meet him."

Ginny blushed a shade of pink that perfectly complemented her skin tone.

"Thank you! I feel disgusting, but I'm glad that I don't look it. James is with Harry. I just flooed in to... well... to see you actually. I knew you were coming, see? I received your letter a couple of days ago and I just had to see you."

As Ginny opened her arms in offer of a hug, Hermione felt her heart trip over itself. She couldn't quite believe that Ginny was so quick to forgive her. She had alienated her, and still Ginny loved her like nothing had changed.

"Hang on," Ron said, interrupting the tender moment with his typical flair. "You replied to Ginny and not me... that's... no actually, that's about right".

He and Hermione shared a brief moment of laughter that was sliced through when a shock of black appeared in Hermione's periphery. Ron followed Hermione's gaze to where Severus stood and then looked back to Hermione with a puzzled look.

"How are things between you two?" he asked so that only Hermione could hear, as Ginny moved to greet her father who was deep in conversation with Kingsley.

"It's a little complicated right now", Hermione whispered and shot Severus a polite, uncertain smile.

Severus had been reserved around her since their meeting in the library; not quite himself. However, he nodded and gave her a genuine smile.

"Hermione... Mr. Weasley", he said in acknowledgement, and then flared out of the room in the usual dramatic billow of his cloak.

"Hang on. He looks..." Ron raised an eyebrow of disbelief, "... he looks  _different_ , Hermione. And come to think of it, I don't think he's ever voluntarily spoken to me before. What have you done to him?"

"I have absolutely no idea."

* * *

Hermione awoke on Christmas morning, feeling far from festive. When her eyes adjusted to the cool blue hue of winter morning, she noticed a pile of gifts at the foot of her bed. Beside them, a familiar house elf nodded to her and bowed.

"Gifts, Miss", the elf said, "for you."

"Oh. Then you must be Santa?"

The elf looked puzzled.  
"No Miss, I am Winky."

Hermione chuckled.  
"I know, we've met before. Do you remember?"

"Yes, Miss."

"Thank you for bringing the gifts, Winky."

"You are welcome, Miss. Would you be needing anything else from Winky, Miss?"

"Something to eat? Porridge, maybe, if it's not too much trouble? I don't fancy going downstairs-"

"Of course, Miss", the elf squeaked happily. "Winky can be doing that right now."

Hermione smiled and thanked the elf. As Winky turned on her heel, Hermione asked-  
"How are you doing, Winky?"

"Much better, thank you Miss. Mr Dumbledore is very kind to Winky. He and the other House Elves is keeping Winky away from Butterbeer, Miss."

"I'm so glad to hear it."

"Winky will be going now, Miss."

* * *

Hermione ate her porridge and listened to Celestina Warbeck's Christmas collection on her radio. She sang along with the ones that she knew, but found herself missing her childhood muggle favourites. She hummed 'O Holy Night' to herself as she took a shower. She pulled a towel around her dripping body, and sat on the bed next to her small pile of gifts. She opened the first; a knitted burgundy cardigan from Mrs Weasley - attached was a small tag that read 'come visit soon. you will always be family'.

Hermione felt a stab of grief. She contemplated what it might really be like to walk through the door of The Burrow - her old home from home - into the warmth of their kitchen. Just as she recalled the smell of Molly's Sunday roast, she was interrupted by a gentle rapping at her door.

Hermione froze. There was only one person she thought would come to see her on Christmas Day.

"Who is it?" she asked, stupidly.

She was, however, surprised when the voice announced itself.

"Albus Dumbledore."

Hermione threw her towel to the floor and grabbed her jeans from the mess of clothes she had left by her wardrobe.

"Just a second-" she called, as she pulled a shirt from the pile and shoved the rest of the chaos inside.

"Miss Granger", Dumbledore said with a nod, "is this a bad time?"

Hermione pulled her wet hair into a bun and stuck her wand through to secure it.

"No, it's fine- oh, Merry Christmas, by the way."

"And to you."

He eyed the pile of presents on the bed behind her.  
"I see that you've yet to finish opening your gifts. I, myself, tore mine open the moment that I received them. Shall I leave you to it?"

 _Yes,_  she thought.  _If I never saw you again it would be too soon._

"No, Sir. It's fine, please come in".

Dumbledore paused for a moment, as though he wasn't entirely sold on the idea. He nodded anyway, and came inside.

"Please, sit" she urged, gesturing to her bed.

He conjured a royal blue, velvet armchair instead and sat with his legs crossed.  
"I suppose you know why I'm here."

"Not really", Hermione replied.

"I noticed your absence at breakfast and I wanted to make sure that you're okay."

Hermione wasn't entirely sure that she believed him. Surely such a conversation could have taken place on her doorstep. It did not require them to sit.

"I would like to be alone today", she said.

"But it's Christmas-"

"I don't feel like celebrating."

Albus nodded.  
"I had assumed as much. I wonder if I might ask, if it is maybe for the same reason that Severus too is locked away in his quarters today?"

"I wouldn't know- we haven't spoken for a few days."

"Exactly."

Dumbledore gave her a sad smile.  
"I was under the impression that the two of you had become close."

Hermione's eyes narrowed. She considered not answering the question but decided that it was Christmas after all, and she should play nice today.  
"We have, yes."

"Forgive me for prying", Albus said, "I hoped that you would be able to speak with Severus, as he seems to avoiding me."

"What did you want to know?"

"I would like to know what he has done, or plans to do, about the cup."

"He's going to get it?"

"He already has it, Miss Granger", Dumbledore said. "He went back to the Lestranges' last night to meet with Bellatrix. I saw him in passing this morning. He was bloody and bruised like I have never seen him."

Hermione's hands flew to cover her mouth.  
"Oh, Gods!"

"Yes. I had assumed that he had failed. However, I have been told by a little bird - by which I mean, the house elf, Winky - that the cup sits on Severus' desk. I have called on him, yet he refuses to answer. That said, I have been assured that he is inside and that he is alive, by the very same little bird."

"I need to go!"

Albus fiddled with his wand in his pocket, nervously.  
"Before you do, I would ask a favour of you?"

Hermione raised an eyebrow.  
"Do tell."

"I hoped that your established bond might coax him out of isolation. However, if that bond has been broken, perhaps not."

A bite of sorrow shocked Hermione, and she braced herself, determined not to cry in front of the headmaster.

"It hasn't broken... I don't think."

Dumbledore made a sound like a sigh, and reached over to pat Hermione on the shoulder.

"When you go him make sure that you thank him for your gift. I believe he put a lot of thought and effort into it."

"How would you know?"

Albus chuckled in spite of Hermione's obvious disdain.  
"You will find there is little that I do not know, Miss Granger. Now... I shall be off."

He stood up, and his knees cracked; he vanished the armchair.

"Be sure not to miss dinner! It should be marvellous. I personally picked out- well, never mind that", he said with a shake of his head. "I hope to see you at seven in the great hall."

Hermione nodded and said goodbye to the headmaster. When she was sure that he was no longer in earshot she rolled her eyes and muttered to herself. She hated him for what he had done to Severus. Even if he ' _wasn't certain'_  what he had been through, of which she was doubtful, Severus deserved better.

She pulled the small, rectangular parcel wrapped in brown paper, from the pile. A scrap of parchment attached said 'with love - S'. She read the note over a second time and then a third, before taking the parcel into her hands and pulled open the paper. She was left holding a book with a dusty pink binding. The front read in gold cursive: 'Roald Dahl's Matilda, as it was supposed to be enjoyed'.

She opened it to the first page and her heart was aflutter to see that there were illustrations that, unlike her copy at home, danced across the page. She watched the painted Matilda as she skipped towards the library. Hermione flipped through the pages, when an image at the end of the book caught her eye. A rendering of this very castle, Hogwarts, and a tiny Matilda at eleven years old, walking through the gates.

Hermione's heart swelled. She had never owned anything so precious. What a wonderful and thoughtful gift. And Severus- what a wonderful and thoughtful man to have given it to her. Even after all this time, and all they had been through, still she fell further and harder for him. Her cheeks flushed pink as she imagined him remembering, choosing and wrapping it.

He cared for her. And more so, he had done what she asked. He was  _trying_.

* * *

Hermione knocked tentatively on the door. There came no answer, and so she knocked again with fervour.

"Severus", she said gently, "it's me."

The latch clicked and the door broke ajar. Hermione pushed through it and closed it behind her. Severus stood by the leather armchair that she had slept in the first night she had come to his room. She took in his face, which was cut heavily on the left side, under his eye and across his cheek. Thankfully it looked as though he had at least attempted to heal them. Hermione didn't know what to do with her body- where to place herself - should she go to him; embrace him? Should she stay where she was, and allow him to come to her? She even considered turning back out through the door, but after some consideration, she opted to go to him.

It had never really been a choice, she thought, she would always go to him.

"Severus? Are you okay?"

He took a moment, then nodded. There was a sadness in his smile but a hopefulness behind his eyes. Not like before- this was a quiet and gentle hope; a kind hope.

"Yes. It is over."

"I'm so glad!"

His black eyes brightened.  
"I have the cup!"

"That's brilliant. But I should admit that I already know. I spoke with Dumbledore-" Hermione said, quickly, before she could change her mind.

Bringing up her conversations with Dumbledore had yet to elicit a positive reaction.

"He told me that you'd gone back to the Lestranges', and that you had the cup... I believe he wants to know that you plan to do with it."

Severus' smile dropped to a frown.  
"That is why you have come then? On Dumbledore's orders?"

"He asked me to come, yes, but that's not why I am here"

Hermione stepped towards him. She felt a surge of Gryffindor courage, and she took his hand.  
"I came to see you."

"Why now?"

"Dumbledore said you were hurt."

"Yes. But what is different this time?"

"What do you mean?"

He narrowed his eyes.  
"Well, to begin... why are you holding my hand?"

"I don't know..." Hermione said.

Severus' voice softened.

"I understand why you have kept your distance, Hermione. It has taken me a while but I understand what you were trying to tell me. I think I understand what you need now. Really, distance is a small price in the scheme of things. I'm afraid I deserve far worse."

A small, resentful part of Hermione agreed, however she squeezed his hand to spite it.  
"Don't be silly."

He smiled, but still he looked uncertain.

"Why are you here, Hermione?"

"I wasn't sure If I should come... I still don't know how to act around you... But I opened your gift. Such a beautiful thing, Severus."

He looked up at her; the warmth of his smile thawed any remaining frosty feelings she harboured.

"You like it?" he asked.

"I love it. Truly, I do. It is, by far, the most incredible thing that I own. And I cannot thank you enough for it. It's... yes. I love it."

Severus blushed, and Hermione felt her cheeks reddening as a mirror. She had never seen his pallid face colour in such a way; it suited him.  
"You said that it was your favourite as a child. I stumbled upon it and thought that you should have it."

She eyed him with suspicion.  
"Sorry... Where did you 'stumble upon it'?"

"Flourish and Blotts", he said, a little too quickly.

"I don't believe you. I know every book in that store. Believe me... If they stocked it, I would already own it. And, Severus, I receive a weekly owl from Mr. Farrow who manages the place, with news of their new stock so don't tell me that it was a recent acquisition."

Severus grinned - caught in his lie.

_Gotcha._

Hermione raised her eyebrows.  
"I say again, Severus, I do not believe you."

Snape dropped down into the armchair.  
"Fine", he said, "I sent owls to every bookshop I could locate, until a witch who runs a small shop in Maine returned her owl with confirmation that she owned one and would be willing to sell."

"Why? Why did you do that?"

"... Isn't it obvious?"

Hermione baulked.  
"No actually, Severus. It isn't. I have my suspicions, but you have never confirmed them."

Severus stood from his chair, and steadied himself as though to say something profound. But in a second, his face fell white as a sheet and he looked at her with purest horror as panic consumed him.

"Hermione I don't feel good"

"Err- Okay, why don't you sit dow-"

Snape's eyes closed as his legs crumbled beneath him and he slumped face down to the floor.

"Severus?!"

Hermione's heart raced a circuit in her chest, and hysterical she forgot all of her ability, and all of her magic. She screamed for help and prayed to the gods that somebody would hear her.


	15. Salty Vegetable Water

**15\. SALTY VEGETABLE WATER**

Hermione had spent much time in the hospital wing in her school years, but she had never once been this frightened, as Poppy Pomfrey fussed over the invalid in her care. Severus lay bare-chested on the bed and the cursed silver scars, and fresh cuts were on show to all present. Hermione knew he wouldn't want to be on display like this and the thought of him waking up in disbelief both rocked and soothed her. If he woke up ashamed, at least he would have woken. Poppy had allowed Hermione to stay reluctantly. How could anyone imagine that she would leave him?

Albus Dumbledore arrived in a flourish of emerald green the moment he received word. He stood beside Hermione's chair with his hand on her shoulder; her body shuddered as he did. They both watched over the man. His pallor was paler than usual and with his jet hair pulled off his face, he looked softer. His face was expressionless, and his eyes were shut; his eyebrows couldn't furrow and his mouth would not sneer. It was unsettling to see him like this, and it seemed that Dumbledore shared the opinion. His voice was fairly chipper, but the deep grooves of his worried lines assured her that she was not the only one who was frightened. That did nothing to calm her nerves.

Of all of the things that she could say about the man, he was at least always in command and always in control. Why now, did he look ready to come apart? What did he know that she didn't? Or was he as in the dark as she was? Perhaps that was the root of his worry. That for once he didn't know something.

Albus beckoned Pomfrey and jutted his chin towards Severus.

"What's going on, Poppy?"

Madam Pomfrey mirrored both of their expressions.

"I don't know", she said, and her eyebrows drew deeper and lower than either Albus or Hermione's. "I'm stumped. I've put him into a magically induced coma because the best I can do for him right now is to ensure that he rests. Albus, tell me... why does he look like he's been through a war already?"

Dumbledore shot a glance at Hermione, but she didn't know him well enough to read it. Was it fear? Or perhaps conspiracy?

"He's been through much", Dumbledore said gently. "I do not believe it is my place to tell you  _exactly_  what he's been through, but as you well know he plays spy for us. He goes to Lord Voldemort. Voldemort is, I doubt you will be surprised, not a pleasant person to be around. Even if you are in his favour."

Hermione drilled her eyes into the side of Dumbledore's head because he would not turn to look at her. It wasn't fair that he was airing his secrets like this? Why was it anyone's business what The Dark Lord did to him? She supposed that it might be in Severus' interests for his caregiver to know what she was up against and so Hermione dropped her gaze and took in the vision of the man she loved.

"From what I can tell", Pomfrey said, rearranging Severus' cushion, "he has taken a lot of spell damage. It looks like the Cruciatus curse... and something else - these scars, they are from deep lacerations. It almost looks as though they have never truly healed."

"It's Sectumsempra", Hermione said with a wary look at Dumbledore. "It's his own spell. Thankfully that means he knows the counter-curse."

Pomfrey nodded.  
"Thankfully, indeed. I wouldn't know how to even begin to treat it."

"I was going to ask Severus to teach it to you all, actually. It seems that a lot of the Death Eaters know to use it and we would be wise to learn how to reverse it."

"Yes. When we get him all sorted, I'll be sure to ask him to teach me. Unless... you know it, Miss Granger?"

Hermione's eyes dropped to the ground.  
"I know it, but I doubt I could perform it" she said.

Poppy seemed to understand and a wave of shame washed over Hermione.  _Why had she not learnt it? Why had she let her magic go stale?_

"We'll just have to keep an eye on him and see how he gets on", Poppy said, looking at Hermione, and then up to Dumbledore. Hermione had almost forgotten he was there in his silence. "There's little else we can do in the meantime."

"He'll be okay?"

"Yes. I don't see why not", Poppy said confidently. "My best guess is that his body has been under too much stress and he collapsed. He's still young and fit. However, he might benefit from playing with the good children instead of the bullies for a little while, but yes, Miss Granger, there is no reason that he would not make a full recovery in no time at all. I will keep you updated, if you would like to go back to your quarters?"

Hermione shook her head firmly.  
"I'd like to stay, if I can?"

Pomfrey nodded reluctantly.

"May I?" he asked, gesturing to the chair beside Hermione.

Hermione nodded, and a prickle of irritation buzzed along her spine as he dropped himself on to the chair. She didn't want him here. She didn't want Poppy here either, truth be told. She wanted to be alone with him. A part of her was sure that he'd wake up if everybody just stopped fussing about him all the time; he never liked the attention.

Although, she thought, that might be exactly what he needs. He'd surge back to consciousness just to tell everyone to piss off and leave him alone.

She urged him to snap his eyes open and his mouth to frown. God, did she really even miss his scowl?

Dumbledore shifted on the chair to make himself more comfortable. He turned to Hermione, and she felt his gaze on her temples. She tried to ignore him, but when the urge to see the expression on his face overcame her, she was surprised to see that he was smiling. It was a rueful smile, but a smile all the same.

"I have no doubt that he will be just fine, Hermione."

Hermione narrowed her eyes as she responded, ignoring the purposeful use of her name.  
"Well let us hope so... because if he's not, it will surely be a stain on your conscience?"

If Dumbledore was taken aback by Hermione's vitriol he did not show it.  
"Quite right..." he said, "... it would be."

Hermione shuddered. His acceptance had unsettled her; she fell from her high horse and crashed to the ground.

"Sorry", she said. "I don't mean to be rude. I'm just... afraid, I guess."

"Of course you are", he said with a gentle nod of his head.

He gazed at her through his half-moon spectacles.

"And you are angry with me", he said, wisely. "I do understand your anger, and though I may deserve it, I hope that you will not hold me in contempt forever. I am a very busy man and I'm not sure I have time to apologise repeatedly. As such, I would like to make a sweeping declaration of apology to both you and Severus. Although, I will reserve his for when he is awake to hear it. I did not know the full extent of the awful position that he has been in. I thought that it was physical pain... that he..."

Dumbledore looked like a man much older than even he, as though he had ages thirty years all at once.

"But you know now? You know what he's been putting himself through, thinking that he does so on your orders?"

"He is visibly deeply scarred from what looks like years of torture, which I had expected, even though I did not like it. He has been through the same on and off for these twenty years past. However, in a recent conversation, I heard him use such words as 'violation' and 'degradation'. So, yes, I now have a fairly good idea of what he has been subjected to these last few months. I would like to make it known that I did not intend for him to end up in that position - I suggested that he  _befriend_  the Lestranges, I did not expect him to... well... I don't think I truly understood what they were capable of. I was mistaken."

Hermione felt her fists curl into rigid glass spheres, ready to hit and shatter. However she was not angry with Dumbledore, which pleasantly surprised her, she was angry with Bellatrix. She still needed to learn to direct her anger to the right places. She would learn. She was like Severus in that way. Sometimes she just lashed out at the world because the world was cruel.

"We considered many an avenue" Dumbledore continued, but they were all dead ends. When Severus realised whereabouts in the Lestrange Manor the horcrux was hidden, I think he felt that he had no choice. I believe that he had come to terms with his decision, until, of course... you."

Albus smiled and gently patted Hermione on the shoulder, much to her chagrin.

"What about me?" Hermione asked.

"Severus' affection for you undoubtedly complicated things."

"How so?"

"What do you mean 'how so?"... How do you think? I do not know if  _he_  knows it, Hermione, but he cares deeply for you. How could that not complicate things? He tortures himself with misery, as his own perverted sense of justice. He betrayed Lily Potter, and he has punished himself ever since."

"I'm inclined to agree."

Dumbledore nodded.  
"So then you understand? He went to Bellatrix... and he returned to  _you_ , Hermione. And - if it is not too far out of bounds to suggest it - I believe he went to  _her_ bed, and then returned to  _yours_?"

"So he thinks he has betrayed me?"

"I believe so, yes. I believe that is why he refuses to allow himself to be happy. I believe he feels indebted to you."

She blanched.  
"You  _'believe'?_ But you're not certain?"

Albus burst with a true and piercing belt of laughter that comforted Hermione in a way she could not yet understand.

"I can't say I am certain about  _anything_  when it comes to Severus, but I do think that I am right about this. Don't you?"

"If he wakes up..." Hermione said with a smile and a shake of her head, "... I might actually kill him."

" _When_  he wakes up, Hermione... you will have my full support. Although let him take a swing at me before you do, I know how he longs to."

Albus transfigured a cot for Hermione so that she could sleep next to Severus.  
"I will leave him in your capable hands", he said. "Goodbye, Miss Granger."

* * *

Lavender stood hidden behind the curtain until Dumbledore left. The moment his fragile frame disappeared behind the hospital doors, she tore the curtain aside.

"Oh, gods! Are you okay? You're as white as... well he is" she said, jerking her head in Severus' direction.

"I'll be better when I know for sure that he's okay."

"What the hell has been going on? I know you said that he'd been having a hard time, but I didn't realise that he'd been wrestling a bloody bear... I mean, look at him."

Pomfrey yelled Lavender's name, and she rolled her eyes and bustled out of sight. Lavender nipped back immediately, squeezing her head through a small gap in the curtain.

"I meant to say... I get it now by the way. When he's still like that - no scowl; no sneer - he's almost... handsome...  _almost."_

"Miss Brown!?" Pomfrey shouted from her station.

"Bloody hell", Lavender muttered.

"MISS BROWN!" came Poppy's strained voice again.

Hermione grinned.

"I'm coming!" Lavender yelled. "Keep your hair on!"

* * *

The scene in the hospital wing came into view as Hermione's eyes adjusted to the morning light. Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall, Poppy Pomfrey and a rather excitable looking Susan Bones stood around Severus' bed. Hermione's eyes shot wide when she realised that his eyes were open. She leapt from the cot and threw her arms around him.

"You're awake!"

She pulled away and he blinked wildly.  
"Am I?" he rasped.

"He's only just up so he's a little groggy. He's fine though" Susan said.

Susan pulled Hermione into a hug.  
"Lavender said you were a bit worse for wear last night", she whispered.

"Just a little bit. I'm fine though, thank you."

Dumbledore and McGonagall spoke to each other in hushed tones.

"I'm starving", Severus said.

Poppy clapped her hands with delight.  
"Lovely! That must mean you're feeling better."

"Yes. Wonderful" McGonagall said, clasping her hand to Snape's shoulder.

They all stared at him with grateful awe, but nobody moved.  
"So... Can I get some food or not?" Snape said in a bored voice and Hermione laughed from the back of her throat.

The sound brought his attention to her.  
"Could you give us a moment?" Snape asked the room.

He turned to McGonagall then to speak quietly.  
"Would you mind getting me something to eat before they let me starve to death?"

"You will not starve to death, Snape!" Pomfrey snipped. "I will sort you out with some food. Perhaps a nice broth?"

Dumbledore clasped his hands together with a low clap.  
"Come on then", he said, "let us take our leave for now".

McGonagall moved in towards Severus and spoke in conspiratorial whispers, so that only he and Hermione could hear.  
"I'll get the elves to smuggle you in something actually worth eating, if you'd like?" she said, squeezing his shoulder.

"God. Yes! Please do. Alternatively, if you could find a way for them to smuggle me out, that would be better still."

Hermione watched him with a cautious enjoyment. He seemed, almost... happy? It was possible that at some point in the night they had replaced Severus with a replica that had yet mastered the vulgarity of the original.

When the others had vacated the area, Hermione sat at Snape's bedside and took his open hand. Some of his admittedly limited colour had returned to his face. He, or someone with his comfort in mind, had pulled the sheet up to under his armpits so all that was visible was his shoulders and throat. The silvery lines didn't look so imposing in the morning light; or perhaps the rest had done him good. It might have been only the second time in his life that he'd slept past six thirty.

Snape gave Hermione's hand a gentle squeeze.  
"I'm sorry if I frightened you."

"You did, but I'm glad you're okay."

He smiled.  
"I am, thank you. Listen..." Severus said, and he turned with a groan to his side so he could face her properly. "I don't know much time we'll have before Poppy comes back and tries to force-feed me salty vegetable water but I would like you to know that I've thought a lot about what you said to me in the library."

"I'm afraid I said rather a lot..."

Severus chuckled and clutched her hand tightly.

"Yes, you did", he said. "I think most, if not all of it, was well deserved. I'm referring specifically however to what you said about your needs, Hermione. You were right. I haven't paid attention to what you needed because my focus has been elsewhere - on less important things, namely fear and self-pity. I won't ask you to put my needs before your own anymore. I'm sorry that you ever had to."

"Thank you", Hermione said. There were no other words.

"I have not been kind with your heart. I have no excuse. I can only tell you that I have been ill-equipped to cope with the hand that life has dealt me. It shifted the world beneath my feet and I did not know how to adjust, can you understand?"

"Yes."

She could understand better than most.

"I've been afraid," he said. "It has made me cold... well,  _colder._  I never will be again. Not with you, anyway."

Hermione ran her fingers across Severus' knuckles and pulled his hand to her lips. She kissed the back of his hand. She hoped that it might convey what she could not find the right words to express.

"Why are you telling me this now?" she asked gently "what's changed?"

"Well, for a start I thought that I would die, so that definitely puts things into perspective. But mostly, I am telling you because I have experienced life without you and I do not ever wish to do so again. I do not know what I can offer you, or even if you would want anything from me now. Even if all that we can ever have is friendship, then I will take it with gratitude. You have made it clear that I need to be more open with you and so that is what I intend to do. But if you would let me, I will try to give you want you need."

"Okay..." Hermione said.

She cursed her lips for speaking and her words for failing her. His eyes crinkled and his mouth became a light curve.

"What?" she asked.

"I have not felt at peace for the longest time, Hermione. I doubt I have ever felt it, but I have a friend in Minerva, I do not plan to ever return to the Lestranges, and you are here with me. If I were to die tomorrow, I would die  _happy_. You see, that first night with you changed everything for me. From that first moment you let me into your thoughts, I knew what you had given me was such a cherishable thing. I was indebted to you. Then when you told me, in not so many words, that I had to get my act together and open my life up to other people, my initial response was one of concealed anger because you were telling me what I already knew but did not want to hear. However..."

He stroked her hand mindlessly with his thumb.

"... Once I had moved past that, I realised that I had already opened my life to someone - to you - and I had let myself become fond of you and I had survived it. Better than that, I had benefited from it. In a moment of madness, I decided that you might actually be right after all and so I reached out to Minerva before I could change my mind. She has been of great help to me. I have, admittedly reluctantly, been vulnerable and honest with a handful people at her encouragement and... well, insistence."

Hermione nodded and her head spun with his words.

"Love, there is so much more I want to say to you", he said, "there is much left to be explained, but it might be best done in private?"

_Love?_

"I understand."

He took her hand and kissed it.  
"I should warn you though, Hermione, that The Dark Lord is ready to make his move. It will not be long now. Whatever you need to get done before the battle, do so now."

"I will", she said. "Thank you, Severus. I am touched by your candour. I'm so glad that you're okay."

_Because you see, I couldn't bear to be without you. I don't know how I have managed this time apart. I am so changed by you. I have become someone I can be proud of because you have made me bold in ways that you never even intended. You have pushed me to better myself, and you have shown me that there is strength in vulnerability, by inadvertently showing me your own regretful vulnerable strength. I am so glad that you are happy. Above all else, all I have wanted is your happiness, even to my own detriment. All that is to say that I love you. I feel it in my bones; I carry it in my chest; the most beautiful burden. It weighs down on me all the time. Yet I am so grateful for it because it keeps me tethered to the world when I feel like I might float away._

These were the words that she could not bring herself to say.

She knew that he perhaps needed to hear them, but she couldn't be sure he was yet ready. If he had felt indebted to her for sharing with him her body, what sort of diabolical oath would he make if he knew that she shared her heart? What depth would he fall to, if he knew of her love? That was the sort of thing that could turn a desperate man to insanity. She knew it. She had known it when Lavender and Susan had alluded to it; perhaps she had known it all along.

She was a desperate woman, after all, just as he was a desperate man. She already teetered on the brink of madness at just the whisper of his returned affection. If he was to return her  _love_? That could easily be the end of her. However, there was a worse fate - one that she feared above all else - not only that he did not return her love, but that he never could.

* * *

Severus had insisted that she went back to her quarters to get some rest, because she looked awful. She had been a little offended by his words until she'd caught sight of herself in the mirror. Her dark circles had dark circles. After a couple of restorative REM cycles, Hermione got to work on her werewolf antivenom. If Severus was right, and Voldemort was ready to make his move she did not have time to piss about. There would be no more going into Hogsmeade, there would be no more romantic drama; no more anger or resentment or missing people that she needn't miss. She would not waste time worrying or stressing about the things out of her control. She could control  _this_. She could make that potion and she would be damned if she was going to walk away from it.

She didn't know why the image of Fenrir Greyback bearing down on Lavender and Padma had taken hold of her so, but she could not shake the feeling that next time people would not be so lucky. He was still out there, and the full moon approached. Even locked up in Azkaban, Greyback still lingered as a terrifying possibility. They had broken out once before. They could do it again.

Hermione worked on the potion until the small hours, and still she could not put her finger on the last ingredient she needed to perfect it. What she had was passable- it would  _probably_  work, but she didn't want to leave anything to chance. It irked her that she was so close. However, she figured that Severus could help when he was discharged. Between the two of them, she was certain that they would finish the recipe, whether they finished in time was another matter. Everything boiled down to time, in the end, didn't it? There was never enough of it. Not even a time-turner would help her now.

* * *

Hermione returned to the hospital wing later that night. Severus lay soundly asleep on his bed and Hermione crept into the room as quietly as she could manage so not to wake him, or the other patients. She took the seat nearest to his head and watched him with a quiet wonder. God he was beautiful, even now. How had she ever looked at him and not seen it? Hermione's thoughts were disturbed when she caught the sound of whispered voices from Poppy's rooms. She could not tell if the gasp she heard was one of thrill or panic. She knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but it was three in the morning and there was little else to do. She walked to the door to Poppy's quarters and pressed her ear to it. She couldn't hear exactly what was said, but she was able to pick up sentences here and there.

She recognised that first voice was Poppy's.

"... not sure we're not prepared... not that we have a choice... what shall we do?"

The second voice was deeper; a man's voice. Dumbledore, she assumed.

"... bound to happen sooner rather than ... we'll do our best... complete faith in you."

"... his heart ... say too much spell damage..." Poppy said. "... wait and hope for the best ..."

 _It can't be Severus?_ She thought. _He was fine just this afternoon._

"... healers at St. Mungo's will know what to do ..."

_Dumbledore, definitely Dumbledore's voice came in reply._

"... perhaps ... wish we could ask Severus..."

She'd heard that clear as day. It didn't mean that he was the man with spell damage to his heart, she knew that. Yet her palms sweat and her chest pulsed in spite of herself. Hermione couldn't ask about what she'd heard without admitting she had been listening in. She could inquire about Severus' condition and hope that they remained positive. After all, he was up and eating and talking. If it was not Severus who they spoke of, then who was it? She wanted to know and so she resolved herself to just be honest, well, economically truthful, and admit that she had overheard. Yet neither Albus nor Poppy came out of her quarters and Hermione felt the pull of sleep. She fought it - a tug of war of wills - but sleep was stronger than she was.


	16. Gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a lil one. and it's like 85% smut. only a little bit sorry.

**16\. GOLD**

Hermione woke to find that Severus was not in the hospital bed. In fact, the entire infirmary was empty.

"Hello?" she called into the room. Her heart rate crept up and its knocking at her ribcage blistered into the silence.

"Poppy? Severus?!"

What if they _had_  been talking about Severus last night? Had he been transferred to St. Mungo's? Surely they wouldn't let her sleep through that? Unless... was he...?  _No. It's not possible,_  she told herself.  _No. It's fine. He's fine._  Yet she struggled for breath as she hammered on Pomfrey's door. It swung open and Poppy scowled.

"What?" she said sharply and then seeing the horror on Hermione's face, Pomfrey rushed to her aid with an arm of reassurance.

"No, dear! Whatever you're thinking it's not that." she said, "Severus was doing much better this morning and he asked if he could be discharged."

Hermione felt the feeling come back to her legs, and she let out a sigh so harsh and heavy that she realised she must have been holding it in for some time. She backed onto the bed behind her and caught her breath.

"He's fine. Well, not  _fine_ ", she scoffed, "I would have kept him in for another few nights just to be sure, but he is still in the castle, and so Dumbledore and I felt it was okay for him to return to his rooms. He didn't want to wake you dear. Last night was the first time you looked as though you were actually at rest. He should be up there now if you want to go to him."

Hermione smiled a nervous smile and grabbed her wand from the table beside the empty bed. She carried it with her now. If the battle was to come sooner than they anticipated she might need to defend herself at a moment's notice. She was not quite sure she would be able to. She was definitely not prepared to. She swallowed and ignored the thought. She had to get to Severus.

"Thank you" she said and Poppy nodded her reply.

* * *

She ran through the castle, and down the moving staircases, cursing them to lead her to where she needed to be and not to force her to take a path that was not linear. She was going to Severus. Straight line. Her to him. A to B. She would not be slowed down by sentient bloody steps. As though they understood her, the staircases moved and aligned with the direction she needed to take. She whispered 'thank you' and rushed to Severus' door. It was unlocked. She pushed it open, not waiting for his permission to enter. She scanned the room for him, and saw that he was bathing. She knew she should avert her eyes; knew that she should apologise, they were still unsure with each other- but she also knew that Severus Snape would not have left his door unlocked. He had spelled it so that she could enter where others could not. She was sure of it. She pulled the cardigan Molly had knitted for her from her back.

"Hermione, what are you doing?" he asked with a heavy breath; his eyes fixed on her.

"I don't know", she said, as she kicked her jeans across the floor and climbed into the bath, still in her shirt, and socks, "I'm just so glad you're okay."

She rushed to him through the water, splashing and stumbling and not caring. She threw her arms around his neck.

"I woke up and you weren't there, and I didn't know what had happened. I thought-"

She clung to his chest and her body heaved as she whimpered.  
"I thought something had happened to you."

Severus tightened his embrace, pulling her body closer into his.  
"I'm sorry", he said, kissing her hair, "I should have woken you. I'm sorry."

"Yes" she sobbed, "you should have."

Hermione clung to him.  
"You can't do it. You can't disappear like that. I can't take it!"r.

"I'm sorry. I won't do leave you again."

He took her trembling hands and put them to his lips. He nestled reassuring kisses on her fingers. She looked at him and saw that he beheld her in a way that he had never before.

"I'm here, I'm here", he crooned in repetition as he held her.

Hermione put her hands to Severus' face and felt her eyes sting at the sight of the curved scar under his eye that had not faded to pink like the others. She traced it with her fingers. It was grooved deep into his skin. It was that one that had stuck. It made his face more severe, but no less handsome. It broke her heart to think that he would have to look at it every day. That he would be reminded of what that wretched woman had done to him- the situation that his honour had forced him into - and with a sob of regret, Hermione recalled Severus' voice from their first night together.

_'I'm ugly'._

She cried for him, and buried herself in his slick mass of wet hair. Severus held her while she shook and he stroked the small of her back with his fingers tucked below her soaked shirt. She blossomed under his touch and found herself gently moving her hips, driving her body into him, even while she sobbed.

"No more sadness", Severus said, and ran his thumb across her cheek to dry her tears. "No more pity. You nor I. Do you hear me?"

Severus looked at her with nothing but gentleness.  
"I'm bored of it, aren't you? It's all far too dramatic."

Hermione nodded 'yes' and laughed with him. He returned his hands to her back and softly dug his nails into her flesh. She bristled. Severus put his hand under her chin, tilted it delicately as though he was handling something precious. He placed his lips to hers and kissed her tenderly and so full of longing. She returned the kiss with desperation and moved her body closer into his. She felt him swell under her weight and every nerve in her body burned with desire. It had been too long. She leaned into him and took in a breath; he intoxicated her and she swelled as though she had taken a sip of Amortentia. She leant back, pulled her shirt over her head and dropped it into the water. She slipped her hands behind her back and unclasped her bra.

Severus took in the sight of her and whispered, "beautiful".

He nuzzled into her ear.  
"... So fucking beautiful".

Hermione's lilting laugh of pleasure sent an exhilarated shudder soaring through his body, as though the snake in his chest flicked its tail with pleasure.

Hermione moved away from Severus, and pulled the rest of her clothes off. She swam to the other side of the bath and beckoned him over to her. She wanted him to come to her for once. He rose up in the water, and played on his hipbones. The water fractured as he moved towards her, and light danced around the room. As he moved in- his tall and toned body bearing down on her, Hermione moaned with delight. She bridged the gap between them and threw herself on him. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he caught her as though she was weightless. She faced him and he moved back to sit on the bench below the water. She moved her body so that she hovered above him, and she reached her hand between his legs and found his staff.

"Is this okay?" she asked, unsure.

Severus breathed heavily.  
"Yes."

She worked him slowly with a gentle twist of her wrist, and he made a guttural sound like a growl that sent sparks through her. She kissed his throat, and took a fistful of his hair with one hand, while she moved the other up and down his cock. She kissed him again, hard. She was in control now. He reached down and sought her. Their arms tangled and he let out a playfully frustrated groan. He moved her legs apart and placed his hands on her hips.

He lifted her, moving away from the bench and sat her down on it. He put his head under the water, and made towards Hermione to go down on her. She giggled. He'd have to grow gills. Oh. _Gillyweed?_  she wondered. Just as he made his contact and she let out a breath of satisfaction, Severus burst up through the water in shock. He spluttered and shot wide eyes at her in surprise. She howled with amusement and he coughed before letting out a roar of laughter of his own.

He moved in towards her and kissed her, tracing his lips across her jaw and down to her neck. He swept his mouth up to her ear.

"I've missed you so much", he said with a low growl.

He ran his fingers to the back of her neck and with his free hand, he graced the skin of her bosom. He gave her an unbridled kiss and then moved his mouth to her chest. He glazed his tongue around the flesh of her breast and Hermione mewled and flustered under the warmth of his mouth. Hermione ran her fingers across his shoulder blades and dug her fingers into his muscle as though to claim him.

_Mine_ , she thought as she put her arms around his neck and pulled him up towards her.

"I can't wait any more", she said and turned to push him gently down until he sat the bench.

He kissed her and ran his hands along her flank. He gripped at her waist, moved her towards him, placing her knees either side of his hips on the bench. He guided her; almost lifted her and she reached her hands between their bodies, and took hold of his shaft. He began to guide him inside her. A flutter of excitement burst through her when made a long, guttural groan as she lowered herself onto him. She arched her back as he made his contact and she felt an ache from her core to her chest.

_Yes!_  she thought.

She felt complete. It was cliché she knew, but she didn't care. She could hardly care about anything except the feverous bliss of his fullness inside her. This was not like before. It was as though the water had cleaned their slate and this was the first time. The way that it always should have been. It was everything she had ever wanted. Somewhere between their confused and sad love-making and their desolate fucking.

They each made their own sound of delight and Hermione moved her hips up, Severus guiding her body with ease in the water. He held her tightly, steadying her as she rode him. He threw his head back and his long mass of wet hair struck his back. Their bodies moved together in unison. Hermione felt the familiar surge of love and instead of fighting it, she wanted him to know. This was the right time. She could feel it. He was finally ready to understand how she felt.

I can show you, if you want?" she said, in a breathy moan, "I want you to know how this feels... How I feel."

Severus grinned as he moved his hips and slid deep inside her.  
"You don't need to show me. Tell me how you feel."

She tightened her grip on him and leant back as he moved into her with fervour. The mixture of elation and concentration on his face - the way that his teeth grazed his lips and that sexy little line appeared between his eyebrows - it was too much.

"I feel... Oh God. I could do this forever. I'm so- fuck, Severus!"

Hermione felt her body begin to tremble as she felt the wave of magic build inside her. He reached his hand down to her clitoris and began to circle her with his thumb. His black eyes blazed as he watched her begin to surrender to him.

"Don't stop", she blurted. "Holy shit. Yes!"

Severus ran his tongue across his teeth and steadied his thumb.

"Now tell me how you feel about  _me_?" he asked, softly into her hair.

He quickly moved his thumb back and forth across her bud, and gently bit at her earlobe.

"I love you..." she said, puncturing each word with a sharp breath.

Then she melted.

"... I'm in love with you."

His mouth cracked into a beautiful blissful crescent. It was too much. The magic circled her core, and it swelled and surged and she burst into flame. Her back curved away from him and she clenched her thighs around his waist as she came apart. Severus continued to move inside her until he too was taken by the magic and he pulled her sharply into him and pushed inside her, in one final eruption. He panted hard and fast and while he caught his breath he clung to her. His heavy head on her chest. She put her hand on the back of his head and when he looked up to her, she brought his lips to hers.

He sighed and covered her face in kisses.  
"You're so fucking beautiful", he said, "just perfect."

"I meant what I said, before, Severus. I love you".

A broad smile spread across Severus' face that transformed him in front of her eyes, from severe but handsome to delightfully exquisite and she blushed.  
"I know you do."

She narrowed her eyes.  
"How?"

He cringed.

"Oh. Legilimency?"

"Yes", he said softly. "That very first time we slept together, and you let me look, I felt something that confused and intrigued me. Just before I closed it off the connection, I saw this rush of pink smoke. It moved towards me and encircled me. Even when the connection closed, I felt it cage me. It was almost like love, Hermione. I needed more. Then during our second time, after I had been... well... you know where I had been and with whom. Gods, how I needed you then. I saw that blasted, beautiful smoke again and I knew that it was real. It so nearly consumed me. I knew that you loved me. It was a delicate and unsure kind of love, but even I, who has never been loved, recognised it immediately. I ignored it at first, I'm so sorry, I just- I didn't know what to do with it. It frightened me."

"I understand... does it still?"

Severus stroked her cheek.  
"A little, but mostly I think it's wonderful. I'm just so sorry I've hurt you. I have pushed you away because I was a coward- I didn't even realise that's what it was. Fucking  _cowardice_. It's so obvious now. Instead, I told myself that I was protecting you by ignoring your feelings."

Hermione nodded her understanding.  
"But I was protecting myself. As I said, I have never been loved before Hermione, and then there was suddenly a person who did. And she was so incredibly kind, and sexy and wicked smart. I know that I have made you feel as though you were not important to me. I think you thought I only wanted your body. You could not be more wrong. It was never sex I craved, but love.  _Your love._ It was glorious, Hermione. I wanted to feel it again."

"Oh?"

"You see, you had unintentionally offered me a gift that I so desperately wanted to snatch and cling onto like a miser with a pot of gold. Because you  _are_  gold, Hermione."

Snape ran his fingers through a lock of her hair and she kissed him.

"Come on now", he said, pushing her gently off him and taking her hand as he pulled his body out of the water. "Let's get out of this bath before my dick shrivels to the size of a raisin."


	17. Love Always Is

**17\. LOVE ALWAYS IS**

The Burrow was as it had always been from the outside, but as Hermione stepped through the door, she noted that Ginny and Harry had made more than a few changes. The living room had been updated with blue and white, with cheerful pops of yellow. As if sunshine on the inside could negate the grim reality of life on the outside. Ginny said it was a tranquil sanctuary away from all the madness. With Severus stood beside her, Hermione moved around the sofa and dropped onto the floor, crossing her legs. Severus sat on the seat behind her and Hermione turned to lean on him.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like me to transfigure up a chair, Hermione?" Ginny asked as she bustled into the kitchen, the spitting image of her mother.

"I'm fine down here, thanks Gin."

Bill and Fleur apparated into the hallway with a crack, followed closely by Remus, Tonks and Little Teddy, and they all spilled into the lounge in a cacophony of excited chatter.

"Happy New Year, folks!" Tonks said in a general greeting to all present, and then plunged herself on the sofa next to Snape with a loud sigh. "Budge up, Severus."

Hermione felt Snape's legs lock beside her, and then he moved further to the right, and Hermione shifted sideways, to accommodate the fair, blue-haired child that popped himself between his mother and Severus. The boy stared at Snape and Snape locked his gaze in return.

"Hello", he said stiffly to the child, "how do you do?"

"You're Snape!"

"Why yes. Keenly observed. And you are Teddy."

"Yes! How did you know?!"

Hermione stifled a laugh and looked at Severus. She could hardly contain herself when she saw that he was physically recoiling from the boy.

"Dora, could I talk to you for a moment", Remus said, from the bottom of the staircase where he was draping his scarf on top of his coat on the bannister.

"I only just sat down, you bloody pest", she said with a grin. "Alright. Severus, can you keep an eye on Ted?"

Before Snape even had time to consider his response, Tonks nodded at her son and swiftly left. Severus' eyes shot wide and Hermione let out a gentle lilting laugh that seemed to comfort him.

"What do I do?" he whispered.

"Just talk to him..."

Teddy at happily on beside Severus, staring at black the eyes that glared at him, yet Snape gave Teddy as much space as he could, like the child might detonate.

"Is it true you used to be a bad man?"

Hermione's eyes flew open but to her surprise, a devious grin spread across Snape's face.

"What stories have you been told?"

"Nobody tells me anything. I just listen a lot."

"Nobody tells me anything either", Snape said, "that's the curse of being a child... or a Death Eater."

"Woah. Cool" Teddy said.

Severus shifted on the sofa.  
"Cool? Do you think so?"

"Yeah. It's bad, I know. But dragons are supposed to be bad. And dragons are cool."

Snape looked at Hermione and raised one eyebrow.

"Did you know I was cool?"

"I had suspected", Hermione said.

"Can I see it?" Teddy whispered, "the mark thingy?"

"How do you know about that?"

"I told you", he said, furrowing his eyebrows "I listen."

Snape sighed and lifted his sleeve.

"Coooool."

"I thought it was cool too when I was your age, and I still thought it was cool twelve years later when I was waiting to be given it. I'm sorry to disappoint you but in reality, it was very scary."

"I bet!" Teddy said and then gently patted Severus on the shoulder. "Are you still scared?"

"A little".

"I get scared sometimes too."

Snape looked up at the boy and all of the darkness, temporarily, lifted from his face.  
"What are you scared of?"

Teddy beckoned Snape to come closer, so that he could whisper in his ear.  
"Same as you."

Lupin and Tonks returned in a bustle of whispers.  
"Ask him", Tonks said, digging Remus gently in his ribs. "Go!"

Remus gave Severus an awkward grin.  
"Could I trouble you for five minutes of your time, Snape? I need some advice?"

Snape nodded coolly and patted Teddy on the top of his head, with an awkward glance at Hermione, and the boy's hair turned to a shocking pink. Hermione began to chat with Teddy about Hogwarts, which was always a safe bet with children his age. They loved to think about a future in which they could use their magic freely, and well. Tonks took a seat next to Hermione on the floor, leaning on the legs of the armchair and letting out a dramatic sigh.

"Men!"

"Is everything okay?" Hermione asked.

Tonks exhaled heavily, and the breath rippled on her lips.  
"Potion stuff, you know?"

"Not really."

"Oh right. Well, Remus has run out of Wolfsbane potion. The place he usually gets it from has closed down, due to we believe, interference from the ministry. Severus gave him some from his stores but really he needs to learn to brew his own."

"Oh god, it's all starting isn't it?"

"It's already started, Hermione. It won't be long now, I'm sure", Tonks said. "So..."

She chirped up and kicked her boots off her feet, "... we'd better make the most of it."

Hermione gave her a stiff laugh as a reply.

"Are  _you_ okay, Hermione?" Tonks asked, "how are things with Severus?"

"They're good."

Tonks leaned, conspiratorially, towards Hermione and said softly  
"Is he treating you well?"

"Yes, very much so."

"Good, I told him that he needed to get his shit together if he wanted you back."

Hermione took a moment to digest what Tonks had said.  
" _You_ told him? When? What did he say?"

"He didn't go into detail if that's what you're worried about? He said that he'd done something pretty awful from the sounds of things. He said that you'd figured him out and that you'd not spoken to him since. As for the 'when' of it - I don't know? A few weeks ago? He popped round for dinner-"

"He  _popped round_ for dinner?"

"Well... yeah?" Tonks bit her lower lip. "Is that a problem?"

Hermione chuckled. The image of Severus just dropping by for a quick bite at the Lupins' was so far from anything she considered a possibility that she couldn't help herself.

"No, it's fine", she said. "I mean, it's ridiculous... and amazing".

Tonks smiled, and Hermione knew that she understood.  
"Yeah, it was really lovely, actually. It turns out that there's a decent man underneath all the posturing."

"Isn't there?! Anyway, how did that even come about?" Hermione asked, tucking her hand under her leg. "How did he end up on your doorstep?"

"Not sure exactly but Albus put Remus, Severus and Bill on some top secret Order business. They've been working on whatever it is for the last month and so, I think they just sort of... came to an understanding. I know they've had their issues. Remus has been pretty open about the way that James and Sirius treated Severus, and that he stood by and watched. He feels pretty guilty about it. But Severus told him something about two weeks ago... something that more than settled the score. In fact, Remus was livid; he was about ready to kill him. Never told me what it was, mind you. He said it's not his secret to tell. Either way, he's since come round. He went to visit Severus when he was in the hospital wing and everything. They seem to be... I wouldn't say  _'friends'_ , that's much too strong, but they seem to be... getting along."

Hermione's lips twitched and she felt the flutter of a smile.  
"I'm so glad", she said.

"So. Can I ask... what did Severus do to hurt you?"

"That's a long and sordid story", Hermione said.

"Brilliant! Those are my favourites. Teddy go find your father, I anticipate that this won't be suitable for small ears! On with you!"

Teddy dragged his feet as he walked away, muttering "nobody tells me anything".

"I think we need wine", Tonks said, happily. "Red, Hermione?"

* * *

Harry approached with a tiny blue bundle - baby James - nestled in his arms. He handed the bundle to Hermione and she popped him in her lap, raising his head slightly with her hand.

"He's absolutely gorgeous."

"Isn't he?" Ginny said, looking lovingly down at her son "I can't believe Harry and I made something so perfect."

"Just you wait until all that ridiculous Potter hair grows in", Ron said with a laugh and put his arm around his wife's shoulder.

Hermione looked around the room at the faces of those who surrounded her. Bill sat on the yellow wingback armchair that stood proudly by the window. Fleur perched on the arm with her legs draped across her husband's lap. She curled her finger through a lock of his auburn hair, and he held his hand protectively on her stomach. Ron and Juliette stood, arm in arm, beside the open fireplace, where Teddy sat warming his hands. Tonks leant back beside Hermione on the sofa, with Remus and Severus perched like bookends on either side of them. Hermione fussed over the baby, and she assumed that Severus rolled his eyes, not that she cared to look. Ginny stood in the doorway with a pair of oven mitts slung over her shoulder and she could hear Harry bustling about in the kitchen. Hermione felt a gentle sting in her eyes and smiled as she took in the scene. Everything was as it should be. She was back with her family.

"Mione, pass the parsnips?" Ron said, holding his arm out.

Hermione grabbed the large casserole dish with her napkin and handed it to Ron who sat next to her. He nodded his thanks and stuffed one into his mouth, as he poured a large helping onto his plate. Gravy splashed onto this year's 'R' jumper from Molly as the parsnips splattered on to his half-eaten mess of Christmas Dinner.

"Honestly, Ronald", Hermione said and pulled out her wand without thinking. "Turgeo".

She put the wand back into her pocket and then realised what she'd done. There was something about being here in The Burrow, with her family, after all this time, that shifted the world back into place. She'd used magic by instinct for the first time in years. It hadn't even occurred to her to be frightened or to overthink it- she'd just done it, as she had many times before. She glanced over to Severus who sat opposite her and he flashed her a small but proud smile. Then he turned to Remus and opened up in conversation about some of the changes he'd made to his curriculum, based on Remus' successful tenure as Defence Master all those years ago.

Hermione had never seen Snape like this. He was pleasantly making small talk. He was polite. He smiled. He didn't gripe or snipe or sulk. He just sat, happily at the dinner table, and humoured each person in turn, making gentle conversation. Teddy had requested that he sat next to Severus, and so she had also watched him help little Teddy fill up his plate, and even cut up his chicken for him. He was a perfect gentleman.

It was that that worried her. How long before the mask slipped? How long before he snapped at the boy like she knew he was capable? How long before he bellowed at someone for saying the wrong thing? How long before he made a scene? Still, Severus was on his best behaviour throughout the whole dinner party. He chuckled amiably at all of Ron's poor jokes and listened intently when Ginny talked about Quidditch and new motherhood. He was nothing but cordial with Harry, who would, from time to time, throw her a look of puzzlement and she could only shrug.

Harry stood to his feet when everyone but Teddy's plates were cleared and held his glass tankard aloft.

"I'd like to thank you all so much for coming", he said, proudly "I know that some here, namely Ronald and Teddy, are easily bored and so I will keep this short. I am so grateful that you are all here; each and every one of you. To my lovely wife; thank you so much for all you do, and for putting together this delicious spread!"

"Hear hear!" Tonks called.

"Tonks, Remus..." Harry continued, "we are so grateful for all of your support and wisdom. You are true friends."

Tonks gave a tearful smile and Remus gave Harry a simple and grateful nod.

"Juliette, I've said it before, but again, welcome to the family. Ron, you're the best friend anyone could ask for. I'm so glad you have found happiness with each other. Bill... Fleur..." he said, gesturing to the couple who quietly extricated themselves from one another with gentle laughter, "your continued love and generosity is much appreciated it and we love you both. We can't wait to meet your little one."

Hermione looked up at Fleur with wide, excited eyes.  
"What? You're pregnant?"

Fleur nodded with a shy smile.

"Oh, that's wonderful!"

Harry drew the attention back to where he stood at the head of the table, with an impatient cough. He reminded Hermione of Dumbledore, truth be told.

"Hermione, I am so glad to have you back in my life. I can speak for both Ginny and myself, and I'm sure everyone else here, when I say that we have missed you dearly. I'm sorry that I have not been a better friend to you but I promise that in future, I will always be here for you, as I always should have been. We love you so much, Hermione."

Harry looked to Severus, who stared at him with an expectant interest. Harry spoke stiffly, but with sincerity.

"Snape. I trust Hermione's judgment; I always have. Any friend of hers is a friend of mine. You will always be welcome in this house."

Snape gave Harry a stoic nod. Then Harry looked to little Teddy.

"Teddy, thanks for being so well behaved today. I'm sure you will be such a good friend to James. He'll need a big brother like you to keep him out of mischief if he's anything like his Mum and Dad. Although, if you turn out anything like  _your_  parents, we might need someone to keep their eye on you too."

Teddy smiled proudly. Harry raised his glass.

"I'd like to propose a toast..." he said, "... to new beginnings!"

* * *

Bill, Fleur and Juliette left for Shell Cottage after a final course of coffee and mints. Hermione and Ron insisted that they cleaned up, leaving Severus in the sitting room with Tonks, Remus, Ginny, Harry and Teddy. Ron and Hermione filled the dishwasher. Arthur had been so pleased with himself when he'd found it at the side of the road and fixed it up. He'd been even more pleased, ecstatic in fact, when he learned what it did. Harry and Ginny had kept it, because it worked just as well, and with less effort, than magically washing and drying up. Ron sat on the counter with his legs dangling off the side and with a flick of his wand, he cleared the table. When the kitchen was tidy, and the dishwasher rushed to life, Ron jumped down from the counter and moved towards Hermione. It seemed like the running dishwasher worked as well for him as a Muffliato charm.

He leant in towards her.  
"How are you doing, Hermione?"

Hermione nodded and smiled.  
"I'm good, Ron. Are you?"

"Yes, very much so. Thank you."

Ron blanched and leant back on the counter.  
"About Bill and Fleur... they're, err- not the only... I- err. I wanted you to know, from me, that Juliette and I are... err- we're having a baby..."

Hermione felt a sting of sadness in her gut, but just as quickly as it had come, it was replaced with a wash of relief and then came elation. She was happy for him; truly pleased for him. It surprised her, in fact, how easily she had accepted it.

"That's wonderful news", she said, and she knew that she meant it. "I'm over the moon for you. Congratulations."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm certain. You deserve to be happy. When?"

"She's pretty far along, she's been hiding it for a while. It's the reason we got married actually. She's due in March..."

"Wow, so soon?"

Ron screwed up his face.  
"Yeah. I'm kind of terrified."

"Of course you are", Hermione said kindly. "If you weren't nervous, I'd be worried about you. It's a big deal, after all. But I know you'll be great, Ron. I'm really pleased for you... and Juliette. She seems really sweet."

Ron put his arm around Hermione's shoulder.  
"You're the best, you know that?"

Hermione closed her eyes and smiled. It was the first time in years that she and Ron had even touched, and it felt as unfamiliar and strange as it did perfectly natural.

"So... Snape?"

Hermione bristled.  
"What about him?"

"He seems  _normal_ , that's what... seriously, what have you done with him?"

"I wish I could tell you."

"Does he make you happy?"

Hermione sighed heavily, and she prickled at the sound of it. She had not anticipated the automatic honesty in her reaction.  
"You're not happy?"

"I am", she said, resting her head on Ron's shoulder. "I am. He's been wonderful. I just can't help but worry that something's going to go wrong. What if he gets bored of acting ... 'normal'? What if it doesn't work out between us? What if- what if this war separates us forever? Not just him. All of us. What the hell would I do without you all?"

Ron pulled her gently into his embrace.  
"Hermione; of course he will get bored of acting nice all the time. Nobody can. Nobody expects him to. I've judged him harshly in the past, we all have, but we're beginning to see another side of him. I guess he's not all bad after all. But he's still human, Hermione. He's bound to lose his temper every once in a while. As for it not working out- that's the risk you run isn't it, when you give someone your heart... they could take it and destroy it. But from what I've heard he's besotted with you and as for the war-"

"What have you heard?" Hermione asked, in interruption.

"Just what Bill tells me, which is that he doesn't stop bloody talking about you. I can't lie, 'Mione, the thought of it makes me a little queasy, because an infatuated Snape is pure nightmare fuel."

Hermione laughed; although the thought made her giddy.

"As for the war... we're going to lose people, that's a given. I just... I hope you are happy after all of this is over. You deserve happiness too. I'm so sorry that in the past I have impeded your joy- I have never deserved to-"

"Ron, it's not like that. Remember, we fell together because the fucking world was ending. We have hurt each other, yes but we are both very sorry for it, so let's leave it at that, shall we?"

"I know things might never be entirely as they were, and sometimes it can be a little awkward between us, but we can still be friends, right?"

"Yes, Ronald. We will always be friends."

"You know I love you", Ron said, pulling a lock of Hermione's hair from in front of her hair and tucking it behind her ear. A let over habit from their relationship together.

"I love you too."

Ron threw his arms around Hermione and pinned her tightly to his chest.  
"If he hurts you, I'll kick his ass", Ron said, then with a light chuckle he said "... alright, I'll get The Order to kick his ass. I'd probably need back up."

A gentle cough alerted them to Severus' presence at the doorway. Hermione unpeeled herself from Ron and turned to face him.

"Hermione?", Snape said, his voice was a couple of tones higher than his usual drawl, "... I should get going... if you would like to stay, I can meet you back at the castle?"

"I'd like to come with you?"

Snape nodded, and gave almost a little bow.

"Goodnight, Mr. Weasley", Snape said with a forced smile. "I look forward to seeing you again soon."

She wrapped her small hand into Severus' larger, open one, dropped her fingers between each of his and held tightly. Hermione said her goodbyes with hugs and kisses to all those present- Severus thanked Harry and Ginny warmly for a 'lovely evening', gave Ron a stiff nod, kissed Tonks on her blushed cheek, shook hands with Remus and then did the same to little Teddy. Severus held Hermione tightly as he apparated them both to Spinner's End- Severus' childhood home, of which he was now the sole occupier. Hermione approached the crooked, grey brick terrace, and took in the sight of it. It was hardly a home from the outside. More like a Dickensian nightmare than a place of refuge. And this had been his family home? This was where he had spent his childhood? The question of Severus Snape was becoming clearer.

If Hermione had thought that the house would be nicer on the inside, she was sorely mistaken. The doorway led directly into what she assumed was the living room. It was neat and clean, but there was hardly a splash of colour in sight; greying wallpaper and dark, almost black, wooden furniture pushed tightly to every wall. There was no sign of life except for the bookshelves that filled three of the four walls. Where a muggle family in the surrounding dwellings might have kept a dining table and chairs, Severus kept a beautiful and monumental black baby grand piano. She looked at it, and then up at Snape. His face was unreadable, as often it was. She remained silent as he led her to the kitchen and opened the fridge. Severus pulled out a corked bottle of red wine and placed it on the counter. He then sought two long stem glasses from the cupboard. Hermione took in her surroundings. The kitchen was small and tightly packed with mason jars filled with spices, herbs and ingredients. It reminded her of the potions stores at the school. This was a potioneer's kitchen, she thought.

When she caught Severus' eye, he grimaced.

"It's not much", he said.

"It's enough."

Hermione took the glass from Snape's outstretched arm and swilled it gently, before putting it to her lips.  
"Severus?"

Snape let out a low chuckle.  
"Yes, Hermione?"

"Are you okay?"

Severus moved towards her where she stood with her back pressed to the counter. He placed his wine glass with a clink on the surface tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear.

"Yes, love, I am more than okay. Why do you ask?"

Hermione dropped her head so that it rested on his chest.  
"You seem... different."

Snape pursed his lips.  
"And that displeases you?"

"No not at all", Hermione said quickly, "it's just that... you don't seem like yourself, and I worry that you will..."

Hermione trailed off and took another sip of her wine. Snape studied her face, and with a gentle upsurge of his eyebrows, he urged her to continue.  
"You're not a people person, Severus, but you're trying, I think... and I appreciate it, but I don't know... how long you..."

"You don't know how long I'll be able to keep up the act?" he guessed

Hermione nodded solemnly.  
"That's fair. I've certainly given you every reason to believe that I am incapable of being polite or mild-mannered. I am, simply put, a monster-"  
"No, Severus, I don't mean-"

Snape placed his hand to Hermione's lips and quietened her

"If I could finish?"

"Yes, sorry, go on."

"I have, all my adult life, been rude and sour and at times, cruel. I am not proud of it. I wish that I could say that I am a changed man, but I do not believe it to be so simple. I am not so changed. When I saw you with Weasley, his arms wrapped around you, I wanted to rip his red head off his scrawny shoulders. I have never had deeper bite marks on my tongue. However, when I have found myself irritated of late, I have taken a deep breath and counted to five. I had to count to fifteen when I saw you with him so that I could approach you properly. Because you see, although I am still jealous and selfish, I am trying to do better. I want to be the kind of man that deserves you. If I was a good man, I would have been kind, simply because it is right. Alas, I am  _not_  a good man. It took being with you to realise that there is more to life than misery and it took losing you to realise that if I do not at least  _try_ to be a better man then I will never know anything  _but_  misery. I know I can't keep acting like an abominable prick all the time. I never want to be that man again. That man does not deserve you."

Hermione snatched Snape's hands tightly in hers.  
"I understand what you're saying and I'm happy that you want to let a little more joy in your life, but Severus... I like who you are. When we spoke before... I never meant that  _you_ needed to change; I only meant that our  _relationship_  had to change. It wasn't healthy... it wasn't good for either of us."

"I know Hermione, but I would continue to disappoint you. Our  _relationship_  was the way that it was because  _I_ was the way that I am. I won't do it to you anymore. I believe that you want a real relationship... a committed one... am I correct?"

"Yes", Hermione said, and her voice cracked.  
Snape nodded.

"Then to offer you that, I need to be worthy of it. As of right now, I don't believe that I am. I want to give you the world, Hermione. I want to give you everything that you deserve, but right now, all I can offer is broken shards of a man."

"I know you're trying. That's good enough."

"No, Hermione. It isn't".

Hermione nodded, and bit her tongue.

She wanted to stop him; to tell him that everything was okay, that he could save himself the bother of explaining. She knew him, didn't she? And still she had come back to him. However, one glance at the sad look on his severe face and she knew that this needed to be said, and she probably needed to hear it. Snape's head sagged as he readied himself to continue.

"That morning in your room, when I was in your thoughts; when I understood how I had made you feel, I wanted... not to put too fine a point on it... but I wanted to die. I don't know if I could forgive myself if I hurt you again like that. Do you know why I did it? Why I couldn't bring myself to break the connection when I'd made it? Because I saw how you felt about me. I saw that beautiful, desperate pink smoke and I needed to see it again. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't understand that you could feel so fondly for me. I was so miserable, and lonely, and pathetic and fucking  _greedy,_  that I  _had_  to see it again and so I didn't break the connection, even though I knew that I should. Have you ever heard anything so selfish? Isn't it just deplorable?"

Hermione placed her hand, sweetly, on Snape's cheek.  
"Severus, don't-"

"Is it not? Is it not disgusting?"

"Perhaps. It's selfish, no doubt. But you are not the only selfish creature in this room. I too am greedy. I listen to you, I have heard you; I know who you are, yet I don't care. I want you anyway. I want more than you are willing to give. I want to be  _with_  you. Every bone in my body vibrates with longing every time we are apart; even if you just step out of the room, I miss you. All I have wanted is for you to place my needs on the same level as your own. That was it; the beginning and end of all our problems."

"I fear that is hardly the end of our problems, Hermione. I am still contemptible at my core. I am fighting it, and I will continue to do so, but I am still the same man."

"Fine", she snapped, "but I can't be apart from you now. Not just because of who you are but because of how you make me feel. That's selfish. Love always is."

"Is it?"

"Don't you think?"

She had cracked the door ajar for him, hoping that he might say that he loved her. He didn't answer. Instead, he pulled her head into his chest and kissed her hair. She kicked the door open this time.

"I love you."

There was a question mark in her voice. She could hear it; she assumed that he could too. Severus looked at her then.

"Thank you", he said. "To think that someone like you would love a man like me? It blows my mind. I have done nothing in my miserable life to deserve something so incredibly precious. I am so in awe of you and your ability to see past my shortcomings. I am not a good man; I am not a hero and you know that, don't you? And you love me still. I almost can't believe it."

Hermione stroked her thumbs across the small of his back.  
"But you  _do_  believe it?" she asked.

"Yes, Hermione. I do."

"And you will let me stay with you tonight?"

It was hardly a question, and Severus knew it.

"Yes."

"Then that is enough."


	18. Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: MISCARRIAGE. I wasn't sure whether I should include this chapter, because I'm aware that it's a difficult subject. I wrote it to process some of my own feelings at the time. If you're unable to read it because you have lived through it - I'm so sorry, I feel you, and I hope you're okay. If you want, you can skip to the end where I've added a note with what happens.

**18\. SCARS**

The slow burn of morning light illuminated the golden threads of Hermione's curtains. Severus lay deep in sleep beside her and Hermione watched the rise and fall of his chest. He stirred between the sheets and Hermione lay down into the bed to be closer to him. He roused and blinked as his eyes adjusted to the light of the room.

"What time is it?"

"Nine thirty", she said and let out a melodic giggle when he groaned.

He had been much less regimented of late, but he was still an early riser. Hermione wasn't sure she would ever get used to it. Severus pulled her into his arms and kissed her on the nose. She wrapped her leg around his hip and as though by instinct, he used the momentum to move her on top of him. When they had both met their temporary happiness, Severus gently rolled Hermione off his naked body and sprawled across the sheets beside her. He had one arm around her shoulder, and she ran her hands across his chest, tracing the trail of dark hair from his pecks to his navel, then followed it down further still.

"If you would like to go again, just say so", Severus said raising his eyebrows.

"Not right now", Hermione answered, although the fleeting thought had come to her.

He nestled his hand between her shoulder blades and kissed the top of her head. He was feeling tender this morning, and she would revel in it. She nuzzled into his chest and breathed in his familiarity.

Snape cleared his throat and when he spoke, Hermione realised that she may have underestimated just how tender he was feeling this day.

"Hermione, I would like to ask you a question of a personal nature."

She stiffened."Go on..."

"It is about the scars on your abdomen. I noticed them a long time ago, but I hadn't dared ask, lest it upset you. If it does, I don't need to know. I just wondered..."

"Right", Hermione said, "you want to know how I got them?"

"Well... yes. If that's okay?"

Hermione nodded."I expected that you would ask eventually, and I will tell you," she said, "... on the assumption that you will not repeat the sorry tale to anyone".

"Of course."

Hermione sat up on the bed and patted next to her, indicating that Severus should do the same. He placed a hand of reassurance on her knee.

"Is this a cup of tea kind of talk, or a shot of Firewhiskey kind of talk?" he asked.

"It's a whole bottle of Firewhiskey kind of talk, Severus, but it's Sunday morning, so I will make do without. You know I was with Ron for a long time after the first battle?"

Severus shot his eyes to the scars on her stomach."If you tell me that he has anything to do with-"

Hermione took his hand and squeezed it."No, not like that. Are you going to let me tell the story or not?"

"My apologies. Please continue."

"Ron and I fell together, literally, in the middle of battle", she said. "When it was over, it was simply assumed that we were an item. Ron lost Fred that day and it affected the entire family. You were there, you saw what that loss did to them. I sort of, picked up the pieces, I guess, and I filled the role that Mrs Weasley had vacated."

"You looked after him?"

She gave a single nod of her head and continued.

"Yes. I looked after them all, really. Ron was pathetic and needy, which is understandable I suppose, because he had lost so much, but he relied on me entirely. At some point - I couldn't tell you exactly when - I realised that I had not done a single thing for myself for well over a year. My entire life revolved around taking care of Ron's needs. I expended all of my energy anticipating what he would ask of me next. When he pulled himself out of his grief it was too late. He expected me to do everything. He didn't know how to do any basic adult tasks. It was like taking care of a small child, except that he took me to his bed every night and he had his way with me. I let him."

Hermione had a fleeting feeling that she had begun to make the same mistakes in her relationship with Severus. She could have lifted Ron right from that story and replaced it with Snape and only the minor details would change. She let the feeling pass, as it always did, and got back to the matter at hand.

"After a while, my life had become a routine. I was so used to arguing with Ronald about our innumerable differences, that I began to create my daily schedule around our fights. I could predict them. He was as regular as a lunar cycle. They were of varying degrees of severity of course - some worse than others - mostly, however, they boiled down to one simple fact that neither of us was willing to accept."

"Which was?"

"That we made each other miserable", she said. "I'd been thinking about leaving him for the longest time but I always made an excuse.  _'He needs me today'_  or  _'it's too close to..."_  whatever holiday was around the corner. Then the news came from Romania that Charlie had died, and he completely fell to pieces. I couldn't leave. He had lost two brothers in as many years."

"You were trapped?"

"Yes."

Severus nodded and urged her to continue.

"We rubbed each other the wrong way on a daily basis. Harry and Ginny were living with us at the time at The Burrow, but they soon holed up at Shell Cottage to get away from us. That meant it was just the two of us, which was worse still. We got into an argument one night - a really sore one. I told him that I was tired of doing all of the work and he told me, in no uncertain terms, that I was a useless squib. I stormed out of the house with the intention of being anywhere but in the misery of our home."

* * *

March 11th 2000The Burrow

_"Excuse me?"_

_"You heard me... ever since the battle you've been running around here like a bloody muggle. It's like you're afraid of magic!"_

_"Aren't you? Are you not terrified by what it can do - by what it has cost us?"_

_"No!" he yelled "I'm not! Because I'm not mental."_

_Hermione slammed the mug she was holding onto the table and made for the door._ _"Where the hell are you going?" he called but she did not turn back to answer._

_She yanked the door closed behind her, and marched through the long, snowy grass. The sky was a dark blue, streaked with black clouds and the moonlight illuminated their outlines with brushed silver. She wanted to be anywhere other than where she was. She couldn't stand to spend another moment in Ron's company. Who could she turn to now? Harry and Ginny were bound to take Ron's side - Harry was his best friend and Ginny, his sister. How could she compete with that? She considered heading for Hogwarts. Since leaving school, she had bonded fairly closely with Minerva. Perhaps she could go to her? She wouldn't turn her out. Hermione decided that she would go there later, and she snatched her wand from her pocket, focusing on the only place she wanted to be, or rather, the only two people she really wanted to see._

_All she wanted was her parents. At her absolute lowest, all she ever wanted was a hug from Mum or Dad, but they weren't 'Mum' and 'Dad' anymore, they were Mr and Mrs Granger. Hermione was alone in the world. Where she really wanted to go, was home, but it was someone else's home now. Instead she settled on the Forest of Dean. She and her parents had gone camping there years ago, and it held such wonderful memories for her, that it seemed the most logical place to go to be near to them. As she focused on the forest, everything faded to black and Hermione was pushed and pulled and molded from all angels as she apparated. For a fraction of a second, her thoughts drifted to how she had left things with Ron. Just a fraction of a second, but it was a fraction too long._

_The world stopped spinning and Hermione screamed as she crashed to her feet and regained feeling in her body. She clasped her hand to her stomach in a fit of agony. Her knees threatened to give way and she held her arms out in a bid to steady herself. That was when she saw it. The blood. Her hands were slick and sticky. She looked down at her stomach and saw that the light grey wool that covered it, was thick with her own blood. She lifted her jumper to find multiple, lacerations deep into her skin in a pattern like shattered glass. Hermione felt her head fill with air, as she staggered and dropped to her knees. She allowed the momentum to take her to a lying position. Her body was so heavy, she felt as though she carried another person on her back. Her eyes closed, and she thought she could easily curl up into the blanket of snow and fall asleep, but the pain screamed under her clothes, its harrowing pitch a reminder that she had to stay awake._

_As Hermione lay helpless on her side, the cover of snowy leaves and branches above her served only to make her feel more hopeless. She was lost, trapped and she didn't have a chance in hell of healing herself if she couldn't remember a single healing spell. Then a thought came to her that hurt more than any physical pain could have. She cradled her stomach, then wrapped her arms as far as she could around her body, as though she could protect them both._

_Hermione's chest heaved as she fought to keep her thoughts away from the reality she knew she was living. As the trees of the forest blurred into one another, all that she saw was a grey buzz. She had no way of getting out of the situation alive unless she managed to use her supposedly brilliant brain for something other than silent, maniacal cursing._

_She had to act. She didn't need to be clever_ _right now, she told herself, but she did need to be smart. She had to make it out alive- that was her goal._

_Do not die._

_She needed help, that much was obvious, but there wasn't a person in sight. Her only other option was to apparate somewhere else to find the aid she needed. She didn't trust herself to focus on her destination when it was all she could do to stay awake. If she apparated, she ran the risk of doing more damage. If she stayed, she would bleed out._

_How do I get out of here in one piece?, she asked herself. What do I need?_

_1\. I need to be able to see._

_The only source of light was of the moonbeams breaking through the leaves, fracturing playfully on the ground beneath her. She needed her wand - she needed Lumos. She could remember Lumos, but not a single healing spell. There was one on the tip of her tongue. Lupin had used it in her third year. But what was it? Lumos was second nature, but a healing spell would have to be recalled from memory. She remembered then that she had dropped her wand when she'd apparated. She needed to find it, and to find it, she had to sit up._

_If she could just sit up, she could do anything, she told herself. If I can sit up, I can survive. All she had to do was move herself from her pathetic, broken pile on the ground, to an upright position. Easy enough, she thought and she urged her body to cooperate, but it, like her mind, failed to comply. She seethed as she managed to will her arms to move and she placed her hands flat on the earth. With every ounce of her energy, she began to push herself upwards until she was in a hunched, seated position. She traced her hands across the snow and dirt and finally, her rigid fingers curled around her wand._

_2\. I need to stop the bleeding._

_Hermione shrugged off her jacket and wrapped it tightly around her waist, securing the knot at her side. Her breath became quick and shallow as she put pressure on the wounds. All she had was hope, and so she hoped against hope, that it would be enough. She sat in just a thin jumper and her jeans. The wind rattled through her bones as she sat, crumpled and exposed to the cold._

_3\. I need to get warm._

_She sat with her legs straight in front of her. The frozen earth underfoot burned her as though it was fire, not ice, and damp was spreading through her jeans. She needed to get out of the cold, or at least warm herself up, but she had no solution, neither muggle nor magical. There was a warming spell, she was sure of it, but she couldn't locate the information in her brain._

_It devastated her that her mind was failing her. It had never done so before. This was not the time for her memory to desert her. She couldn't trust herself to be rational and she was acting now on impulse; a wild beast, fighting for life. I need to move, Hermione thought. I need to stand up, and I need to start moving._

_4\. Yes, I need to start moving._

_When Hermione pressed her hands to the ground and pushed herself up, a shot like a bullet ripped through gut. Her thoughts drifted back to the reality she was ignoring and all at once it hit her. She felt her knees depress but she had done so much work to stand, she would not allow herself to crumble back to the floor. She had to do this for both of them. She forced herself to walk, one foot painstakingly placed in front of the other. Her feet slipped as she moved over ice and thicket and broken branches._

_5\. I need to figure out where I am._

_The forest in early March was a different world to the one she recalled from her camping trip in the height of summer. She was lost. All around her was eerie silence, except the wind that whipped through the trees and a humming that she couldn't place. She prayed that the sound was a rush of traffic. If she could find her way to a road, she could flag someone down and get help, but the more she walked, the more lost she became. The humming did not grow louder, nor did it dim. After walking what may well have been miles, but was more likely just a few hundred feet, Hermione wondered if perhaps the humming was coming from her ears. Exhausted, overwhelmed and thoroughly dejected, she gave in to her body's wish and dropped to her knees. She kept one hand firmly on her tourniquet, and used the other to gently pat her stomach, before pulling out her wand._

_6\. I need to live._

_She re-evaluated her choices. She could keep trying to walk until she eventually found someone to help her, if she found anyone at all. And if she did find someone, would they be able to do anything at all to help? She would surely only come across muggles out here. Would they call an ambulance or drive her to a hospital themselves? Would she even make it?_

_Her second option was to stay still. She could wait until someone found her- surely somebody would have to show up. How long would it be until she was found? An hour? Days? Longer? Were there animals in the forest? Her only other option, she knew, was to apparate, but to do that right now would be complete idiocy. She would surely do herself further harm. More so, she was afraid to do it. This was not the first time that she was frightened to use her magic, but it was the first time she had refused to try._

_There was something else she could try, she thought, and it would allow her to apparate safely, but it in itself was dangerous. It was the first potential solution that had occurred to her, but it had seemed ridiculous - just too reckless. But the situation she was in already was worse than anything that could come next, surely? It was a spell she had cast many times in her life. One she did by instinct; almost subconsciously. It was perfect, because all she had right now were her instincts. Still, she remembered what McGonagall had said years ago in a Transfiguration class. "It can be used to repair almost any inanimate object, but you would be desperately foolish to attempt to use it on yourself."_

_Hermione Granger was no fool, but she was desperate. You know what they say about desperate times. She lay flat on the cold ground and every inch of her body ached. She didn't need to make it out well, she decided, but she needed to make it out alive. If she gave herself a chance to survive then she would always be at peace with the decision she had made. There was no other way. She told herself over and over- this is the only way, this is how you survive. She tugged up her jumper and seethed; her entire body tensed as she pulled out her wand. She pressed the tip to her stomach, ignoring the blinding tears and blistering cold and whispered - because that was all she could manage - "Reparo"._

_If she had thought that the pain had been excruciating before, nothing had prepared her for what came as her body tried to heal itself. The 'Reparo' spell had taken her butchered body and glued it haphazardly back together. Hermione wiped her bloody hands on the back of her jeans and removed the tourniquet. She felt, despite her desperation, considerably less awful than she had. The pain had dulled to a cruel ache. She lifted her jumper tentatively, and it caught on something. She tugged it quickly and yelped. The fabric had fused with her healing wounds and although she felt a wave of nausea, she was pleased to know that the wounds had at least closed. Hermione grabbed her wand and focused on where she wanted to go; St. Mungo's, she decided. Hermione disapparated, and then appeared directly outside the abandoned department store that disguised the hospital. Any number of muggles could have seen her but she didn't care. She pushed through the door, made her way to the help desk and as her entire body flooded with relief, she collapsed to the tiled floor with a crash, and everything went black._

* * *

Severus held Hermione while she cried, clutching her to his chest, without saying a word. He let her say what she needed to say and feel what she needed to feel. When he did speak, he did so without judgment.

"You said 'both of you?'

"Yes."

"You were pregnant?"

Hermione stared through the window, without settling on anything beyond the glass.

"Yes."

"Oh, Hermione."

He kissed her forehead and pulled her deep into his arms."I'm so sorry", he said.

"I sometimes wonder if it was a kindness, in a way. Ron and I should never have tried to bring a child into our relationship in the first place. I still think about it, though. I wonder who he might have become, if the universe had not been so cruel."

"He? A boy?"

"I don't know, I wasn't very far along, but when I think about the baby, I imagine a little boy."

"What else do you imagine?"

"He's about four years old; tall for his age, with red hair and freckles like Ronald. He's got his sense of humour and his logic too. He's whip-smart, but he's gentle and kind. He's not boastful or rude. He likes wizard chess and magical creatures and Quidditch. We liked the name Hugo - it was the only one we could agree on, so that is the son that I imagine - the boy who could have lived - it's silly isn't it?"

"Not in the slightest."

"It was the hardest thing I've ever been through. It took me a long time to forgive myself. I still blame myself, but for the most part, I have made my peace with what I have done."

"You blame yourself? Whatever for?"

"I shouldn't have apparated while I was distracted. That's the first thing they teach you in Apparition lessons, is it not? You need to focus."

"And that is why you are reluctant to use your magic?"

"Yes..." she said, "... in part. I was already afraid of it. After the battle, I truly became aware of what it could do, but I still used it if there was no alternative. But after that night in the forest... I hardly use it at all. If I don't think too much about it, sometimes I use it by instinct, but there is some magic I am unwilling, or perhaps, unable to do. I... I've not apparated since."

"I've seen you use magic... and you have apparated with me."

"I feel safe with you."

"I'm so glad", he said. "Thank you for telling me. It must be said, I don't think you ought to blame yourself, although I understand that logic does not readily apply here. For what it's worth, Hermione, I think you are brave; braver than I could ever fathom."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hermione is afraid to use her magic because she apparated while angry and distracted, and she splinched herself. She almost died, and was traumatised by it, basically. You can guess the rest, given the content warning.


	19. So Loved

**19\. SO LOVED**

"I still can't believe you didn't tell me I'd missed your birthday."

Hermione pulled Severus through the door and into his quarters. She held one of his hands tightly and his other was placed firmly over his eyes.

"I didn't want a fuss and so I swear to the Gods, Hermione, if there's a room full of people ready to yell 'surprise' or if there is one single bloody balloon, I will hex you into next month."

Hermione laughed lightly."Okay, you can look!"

Severus hesitated for just a moment, and then dropped his hand and opened his eyes. It was two weeks and two days past his forty-second birthday, but Hermione had wanted to do something special anyway. She'd considered a huge party or an expensive dinner in London, but she'd settled instead on a candle-lit dinner for just the two of them. They'd had such a wonderful few weeks together. In spite of everything he had said, he reveled in her affection. They'd spent each and every day in each other's company and, to her surprise, he had not been sullen or surly even once. She thought however that she'd be pushing her luck if she'd thrown an elaborate affair to celebrate his big day. Especially since he had made it unmistakably clear that even the new Severus hated birthdays. The human brain couldn't fathom a number large enough for Severus to count to under his breath to avoid that tantrum. She knew him; she knew that New Year's Day had been draining enough for him. She didn't think it fair to make him do it all over again a few weeks later, on his pretend birthday no less.

Snape took in the scene before him. The house elves had sent up two piping hot, glorious starter plates of little, toasted filo pastries filled with roast pork and asparagus. The table was laid for two, with four wine glasses; two long and deep filled with red, the others shorter and crisp filled with white. There were more knives, forks and spoons than Hermione really knew what to do with, but she'd asked for something spectacular, and the elves had never once failed to deliver. It was a long time since she had campaigned for Elvish welfare, but she still felt a little guilty every time she asked them to do something. Hermione looked up at Severus and gave him a hopeful smile.

"Is this okay? Just the two of us?"

"It's perfect."

"And not a balloon in sight"

Severus laughed and Hermione was hit, as she always was, with the pleasurable wave that played with her common sense. God, she just loved to hear his laugh. She would never grow tired of it, she was sure. Snape put his arm around Hermione's shoulders, pulled her softly into his chest and stroked her cheek.

"I love it. Thank you. You are truly extraordinary."

She snorted.

"No really, you are, Hermione. You are so lovely. I..."

Snape took a deep breath, gave an almost indistinguishable shake of his head and then sighed. He adjusted his feet, as though to ground himself.

"... You are so loved."

Hermione pulled a face of displeasure.

"What?" Severus asked, playfully raising his eyebrows

"I am ' _so loved'_ am I?" she said, in a sulky tone.

"You are!"

"By whom?"

He chuckled and put his other arm around her waist.

"'I'm  _so loved_ '" Hermione mocked, "what sort of passive nonsense-"

Severus put his hand on her chest and kissed her before she could continue."You want me to say it?"

"Yes, but only if you mean it."

"It doesn't feel like it's enough."

Hermione tilted her head

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... oh God, okay..."

Snape pulled away from Hermione and gestured for her to sit at the table. He pulled out her seat for her and she perched on the end of it. He pulled his chair to be close to her and pulled off his cloak and frock coat. He unbuttoned the sleeves of his shirt and Hermione felt a thrilling rush of attraction as he unfastened the top two buttons by his throat. He sat and took both of her hands in his.

"What I mean, Hermione, is that our language is so limiting. How could someone possibly capture the enormity of  _loving_ someone with just three little words. It's not possible. There  _are_ no words to describe the absolute joy and chaos and horror and misery of feeling that way about someone. If that makes sense?"

"It does."

"It's just something that's so big that our brains can't comprehend it. It's like trying to describe colour, or explain God. Nobody could possibly ever do it justice. In reality, it's probably as simple as chemical reactions, hormones and shared experience. Maybe a little bit of magic. But to be in the centre of it, of... this - to live it; to feel it - is absolute delirium."

Severus placed his hand on her cheek.

"Those words: ' _I love you'._ They don't seem enough. How could I even begin to explain to you all that encompasses? I love wildly, Hermione. My love reaches higher than hope and sinks lower than treachery. It is dangerous and all-consuming; it's baffling and ineffable. You see! ' _Ineffable'._ We have a word that means 'I can't possibly explain it' because we know that some things are beyond our comprehension. Yet we use a single word - 'love' - to describe this?"

Severus pointed at her chest, and then his.

"How could I ever express how I feel for you with such a small and gentle sound? Love is infinite and terrifying, isn't it? People live for it, die for it; kill for it... every day. Yet people fall in and out of it.  _Fall out of love_ , Hermione! How? It's unthinkable! It sinks its teeth into your very core - whatever a soul is - and it steals it. It consumes you to the point of madness. And yet, somehow it abandons you? I can't fathom it. It's too big. It hurts to try. You could love me, Hermione, as you do now. And tomorrow, think less of me than dirt on your boot. It's too much."

Severus' eyes became glossy as he gently stroked her face.

"I am afraid to say it to you, Hermione, because I do not think it is enough. I cannot find the words to express how deeply you have affected me, and changed me. Even if I could speak every language, I could sooner explain why we dream. But, Gods, I love you. If those are the only words I have to describe how this feels then yes,  _I love you_."

Hermione lifted her hand and caught a tear with her thumb. Still he continued-"I'm scared, Hermione."

"That's okay."

"This 'thing' with Bellatrix-"

Hermione seethed at the sound of her name."No, do not." he said "I will not be afraid to talk about her anymore. I will say her name. I will not allow her to be feared and revered like she's the damnable Dark Lord. I do not want you to fear her, especially. What she did - how I have debased myself to her, all for a fucking horcrux - it has changed me. I am not the same man, and in some ways, I am glad because I did not like the man that I was. But it was you, and you alone, who helped me through those first dark nights. I cannot thank you enough; I will be forever in your debt. Anything you want from me is yours."

"I just want you; I want to be with you."

Severus kissed her cheek and held her tighter in her arms.

"I know and I am so grateful. However, I fear that you deserve so much better. That said, you are a grown woman and I would not presume to make decisions for you, even if I feel that you are making the wrong ones."

"Why though? Why do you think it's the wrong decision?"

"For all the reasons I have already given you and a thousand reasons more. Mostly though, it is because I do not think I am good enough for you."

"But  _why_? Please Severus, I need to understand."

"Because, as I have said, you are pure sunshine. And I am entirely your opposite. I don't know if we make sense."

"But we  _do_  make sense! You and I, when we are together - it makes complete sense. I know that you feel it too."

Severus thought on this.

"Yes, I do. I know we work well together when I am in control of my emotions. Like now... in this moment... it's like the fucking stars have aligned. But in other moments- that morning in your room when I all but forced myself on you- when I made you believe that you meant  _nothing_  to me, and you had shown me only kindness. When I violated your trust by entering your mind, knowing that it was wrong, all because I wanted to peek at the pink smoke again. I hurt you, betrayed you even... all because I needed to feel loved. Those are the actions of a pathetic man. It is those moments that I fear, Hermione."

"I can cope."

He dropped his head."You say that now..."

"I can."

"Maybe  _you_ can, Hermione, but I don't know if  _I_  can".

"Well I'm not going anywhere", Hermione said, with a stubborn shrug, "and you promised that you would never leave again, so what's your next move, Severus? We are already something whether you want to admit it or not. You cannot just wash your hands and walk away from me like nothing has happened. If you don't want to be with me then you have to end it."

Snape smiled in spite of the severity of the situation."I know, and believe me, I do not want to be without you another day in my life. I think the world of you and I am simply telling you my fears. I cannot shake the feeling that we are making a mistake."

"Because you're selfish?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Well, so am I... what's the next 'issue'... perhaps I'm too young?"

Severus chuckled."Nothing so noble, my love, I assure you. Better men than me, I'm sure, would say that you are too young for me. And I imagine, they would, of course, remind me that you are my former student. However, I can say for certain that I held no esteem for you then. Much the opposite, as you well know. I do not make any connection between the woman you are and the girl you were."

He smiled at her.

"And if we're being honest, you are far more mature than I am, and you are half my age. I am just an overgrown boy, playing at what it might be like to be a real man."

"So if you accept that I am grown enough to make my own decisions, and you accept that we are well-suited to one another, what exactly is the problem?"

He stroked the curve of her waist with his palm.

"Listen, despite all my protestation and self-loathsome whining, I can imagine a lifetime with you. I have been so lost all these years, yet I feel grounded with you. Because in spite of everything, God, I want you, and above all else, Hermione, I am, in fact, very much in love with you. Perhaps  _that_  is the problem. I do not love lightly, as you know. I obsess and I become attached. I wish that it weren't true but it is. I love even when I should not."

"Lily?"

"Yes."

Hermione couldn't hide the way that her face fell. She tried to cover it with her mess of hair, but sodden, it clung to the back of her neck.

"I'm sorry," he said "I know it is impolite to bring it up but I believe that it is worth mentioning. After all, she has been important to me for as long as I can remember."

Hermione gave him a smile that she didn't believe. He knew it. Her face had betrayed her true thoughts. It always did.

"Yes, Hermione" he continued "I still feel affection for Lily. Of course, I do. She was very special to me. And it breaks my heart that she is dead. She can only ever be-"

Severus stopped with a jolt and blinked wildly. Then with a seethe of pure agony, he gripped his forearm and dropped to his knees.

"Fuck!" he said with a sharp inhale.

"Severus? Are you okay? Is it your mark?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, love. I know I promised I would never leave you again but I have to go. I can't keep him waiting. I don't know what, but something has happened."

"Oh?"

"He's angry", Severus said, in a voice hardly above a whisper.

He stood reluctantly and pulled Hermione into an embrace.

"Be safe", she told him.

He lavished her with quick and desperate kisses, then snapped back to attention, and disapparated, evaporating like smoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware this is a dialogue-heavy ramble but I thought it was a nice contrast to Severus' typical 'convey a lot by saying a little' approach to conversation. I hope it's not too unbelievably out of character.


	20. A Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written and re-written and edited this chapter to pieces and I keep coming back to this fluffy nonsense. I'm only a tiny bit sorry about it. Thanks for humouring me so far, hahaha.

**20\. A LETTER**

Shell Cottage  
Order of the Phoenix Meeting

It had been four days since Severus had been called away to the Dark Lord's side and she had last seen him. Dumbledore had assured her that he was safe, as he had managed to make contact in the way that he always did. It turned out that they had been using the spelled coins that Hermione had created for The D.A back in her fifth year to communicate with each other. It pleased her to know that something she had made so long ago was being used by two of the world's most powerful wizards, and yet she felt utterly miserable. She would hardly be able to create anything like it now. She just wasn't as capable as she used to be. She was a better witch at sixteen that she was now at twenty-three. It wasn't okay. She was still uncomfortable with her magic. The only places that she ever felt comfortable with a wand in her hand were The Burrow, and Severus' quarters. She couldn't expect he or her friends to be around her all the time. One day she would have to perform magic alone.

As Hermione approached Shell Cottage, she felt a swell of excitement. Severus would be there, Albus had promised. No matter how awkward they had left their conversation, at least they could finish it now. Hermione relayed the events and conversation of her last night with Snape, with Lavender and Susan, as they used a coffee cup, that worked as an unregistered port key from Hogwarts to Bill and Fleur's house.

"Relationships shouldn't be that difficult" Lavender griped. "If two people want to be together, they should be together. Why do men have to make things so bloody difficult? They've always got one foot out of the door..."

"Dean giving you trouble again?" Susan asked, gently.

"Of course. I thought we were doing well, you know? Things seemed to be falling back into place finally, but nope! He says that he wants to cool off for a while. Honestly, you'd think that with a bloody war on that he'd want to lock this down before one of us keels over, but apparently not!"

"Jesus, Lavender!" Hermione said with a wry laugh, "that's a bit morbid."

"I know. I think Bones is rubbing off on me."

Susan chuckled.

"I sure hope so. But seriously, you know, it's not just a guy thing. Girls are just as bad. Katie's been driving me mad for weeks now. She says she doesn't want to 'ruin our friendship', which I get, but... I've seen her naked, so I think platonic friendship is out the window, you know?"

Hermione sighed and put her arm around Susan.

"Severus is exactly the same. He's like 'I think that us being together would be a mistake', while I'm sitting there in the altogether thinking 'well... clearly the mistake has already been made, idiot'. Honestly!"

"If you can't lock down Snape, none of us stands a chance, to be honest, Mimi", Lavender said. "Anyway, we'll all be seeing our respective partners once we step through that door, so... ladies... game plan?"

Hermione rolled her eyes.  
"Does it have to be a game, Lavender?"

"Yes!" she snapped, "if you don't play the game, how do you expect to win?"

"Fine", Hermione said, "what do we do?"

"Bones. You need to keep your distance from Katie. If the only reason she doesn't want to be with you is to save your friendship then she needs to see that the friendship will be altered either way. Find every single woman in the bloody place and laugh your ass off, got it, Bones?"

Susan gave an exasperated sigh and nodded her head.

"Hermione", Lavender continued "you need to be inescapable. You and Snape are already together, he just hasn't realised it yet. Which is funny really... isn't he supposed to be smart? I would have thought better of him. Well, not 'better'... different. I still can't say I understand entirely what you see in him-"

Hermione narrowed her eyebrows.

"Right, gotcha! I promised I wouldn't judge and so I shan't. Anyway, you want to spend every minute you can in his presence. You should be all over him. I'm talking huge PDAs. Everyone should know by the end of tonight that you and Snape are an item."

"That's terrible advice", Susan said dryly, "just give him time, Hermione."

Lavender flipped her long blonde curls off her shoulder.  
"Fine, don't take my advice.  _I_  plan on flirting with George Weasley."

"He's married!" Susan protested.

"Damn, I forgot. Fine, I'll find another Weasley!"

Hermione laughed.  
"Actually... they're all married."

Lavender slumped her body over in an unnatural and amusing arch.

"Damn! Are we the only single witches left on the planet?"

Susan stiffled a laugh with a puff of air.

"Gods, L, you're talking like you're an old maid."

"I feel like an old maid. Oh Gods. It's almost time; we should go in. Everyone remember what you're to do?"

"Yes..." Susan said "... we're to ignore every single word you just said and try to act normally."

"Oh bite me, Bones!"

"What will be, will be".

"What will be, will be what I will it to be", Lavender said with a sharp nod of her head.

Hermione and Susan both screwed up their faces in confusion.

"I'm going to need you to translate that", Susan joked.

Lavender, Susan and Hermione laughed among themselves as they walked up the path to Shell Cottage. Their laughter turned immediately to dust when they entered the living room and all eyes were on them. Each face was solemn, and everyone was silent. The atmosphere was thick and troublesome. Lavender's eyes were wide as she moved her head close to Hermione's. Susan craned her neck so that she too could hear.

"Well, we came in here with the wrong energy..."

"Tell me about it", Hermione said.

Susan grinned at Lavender when she caught a familiar pair of brown eyes from across the room.

"See you soon", Susan said and moved swiftly towards Katie.

Hermione perched on the arm of the sofa next to Harry.  
"What's going on?" she whispered.

"Nobody knows but Dumbledore was in here just before you arrived and his face was thunderous. We're all a little scared to be honest. Something big is happening. McGonagall was saying that she overheard Dumbledore and Snape talking about tightening Hogwarts defences. We think it's about to happen."

Hermione turned to Lavender who had followed behind her.  
"Something big has happened", she said, keeping her voice low so that only Lavender could hear her. "They're frightened."

"Gods", Lavender said, and her voice cracked "I've been so wrapped up thinking about what's going on with Lee that I think I forgot how serious it all is..."

"I know", Hermione said softly, "me too."

Dumbledore entered the room in a flurry of his cloak that made him appear like a silvery Severus Snape. He moved to the centre of the room and without his usual preamble, he began to talk. His voice was quicker and higher than usual, but it was steady. As always, he had command of the room, and he was collected and in control.

"It is time", he said "Lord Voldemort plans to make his move on the school within the fortnight. We do not know when exactly but we are to set up in The Come and Go Room at first light. We need all hands on deck."

Not a word was spoken but the room was heavy with fear and questions.

"I have a plan. Those of The Order that are privy to the information given in exchange for the unbreakable vow will know what I am talking about when I say that we have almost completed this mission. There is only one thing left to find. I shan't say any more or I risk dropping dead and I can't be of much use from beyond the grave."

He smiled stiffly.

"The school will  _not_  be evacuated. I wish it were different, but we simply cannot in good conscience, send the children home. To evacuate means that Voldemort would know that we were prepared for him and he would realise that he has a leak in his organisation. I am not willing to risk Severus' life and I hope that you would all agree."

Murmurs filled the room but nobody fought the notion.

 _Good,_  Hermione thought.  _You're damn right._

"That doesn't mean that either will we risk the children's lives", Dumbledore continued, "as I said, we have a plan. I have asked that the house ghosts quietly move their students to the Come and Go Room, one year at a time starting with the youngest, on the day of the attack. Any students who are of age who wish to fight may do so. The children will be filtered into The Hog's Head where there are currently 64 unregistered port keys that will transport them to Grimmauld Place. The top floor of Grimmauld Place has been altered and extended so that it has a capacity of around 400. I think that should be more than enough. Ginevra, Fleur and Juliette; I would ask that you are there to receive the children. I would request that Aberforth, Mr. Thomas and Mr. Finnegan facilitate the children's journeys from The Hogs Head. Is that acceptable to you all?"

All six Order members nodded. They clearly had their concerns, but Juliette and Fleur, in particular, looked truly frightened. It must be even more terrifying to face The Dark Lord, Hermione thought, when you're literally carrying a life you need to protect at all costs.

Hermione caught her thoughts. ' _The Dark Lord'_  - that beautiful Death Eating bastard is rubbing off on me, she thought. He was not yet present and she so sorely missed him.

"I would ask that all able-bodied witches and wizards do their part to protect the school with all possible enchantments from the moment we see their forces arrive. However, Minerva I would like you and Filius to lead the charge as you are our most gifted wandsworkers."

The witch in burgundy robes nodded, and Filius said "yes" in a solemn squeak.

"Hagrid, I will put you to the task of helping to direct the centaurs, since it is because of you that we have their assistance this time. They will listen to you, even if they do so reluctantly. Horace; Miss Granger - I would ask that you work alongside Poppy in the hospital wing to provide any and all potions she needs."

It occurred to Hermione then that she'd spent so much time and energy worrying about Severus, that she might have improved her recipes by now. She still had many healing draughts on hand, but she only had two weeks, at most to figure out how to dramatically decrease their stewing time, and she needed the stewing time to decrease to hours, not days or weeks.

"Everyone else... I would ask you to fight. Try to stick to two on one combat. I ask you all to pair up. I know it might seem counter-intuitive, but I believe that we will always be stronger if we fight  _together._  I would expect you all to have each other's backs to the very end. Anyone who does not wish to fight should send me an owl later this evening and I will put you to work in Grimmauld place or the hospital wing. If you wish to leave the country entirely, that is your prerogative. You will receive no judgment from me. Not everybody is able. I understand that."

His face fell bleaker still.

"We are in our last days. If anyone knows of somebody who wishes to join The Order please direct them to Minerva. She will put them to work. Now... speaking of new recruits. This brings us to our next order of business."

Dumbledore coughed gently.  
"Severus?"

Snape entered the room on command, with a billow of his black cloak and Hermione felt her heart jump up into her throat. It took every ounce of her strength not to run to him and fling her arms around him. The lioness in her chest screamed ' _look at me_ ', ' _look at me!_ ' and as though he heard her roar, he turned to face her, and his eyes lit up. The sight filled her with relief, but it was short-lived when she saw who stood behind him.

"What the hell is he doing here?!" Ron yelled.

Behind Severus Snape, stood a rather sheepish looking Lucius Malfoy. Gone were his typical arrogant posture and handsome good looks. He looked decades older than he had the last time Hermione had seen him in the Ministry. His eyes were weary; surrounded by ominous dark circles. He held his body in a slump, as though time and circumstance had physically pushed him down and made him small.

"I've come to fight..." Lucius said.

There was no Malfoy drawl, only a flat and frightened voice. The sound pierced through Hermione. How had Voldemort ruined so many lives- even those of his most loyal servants?

"They have returned to fight  _for us_ ", Dumbledore said.

When a cacophony of voices sprang from all sides of the room, Dumbledore held his hand out to silence them.

"We do not have time to argue," he said, sharply. "I have offered the Malfoy family our protection, in exchange for them fighting for us. They will stay loyal, I have no doubt. Lord Voldemort has put an order out on their deaths because they deserted him. Death Eaters found them; they fled. Severus found them and they are now on our side now. I hope that you will accept their conversion in the same way that you have accepted Severus'... even though you have done so begrudgingly."

Molly spoke up next. Her voice shook on the first few words, but she soon found her voice.

"We only struggled to accept Snape had turned because we didn't know what made you so sure that he was ours... and not... his."

There was no judgment in her voice, nor anger or suggestion. It was merely a statement and one that Hermione could understand.

"We don't know why you came over to us", Molly said, directing her words to Severus, who looked grateful to be finally included in the conversation since he was the matter at hand.

"Are you asking, Molly?" Snape asked, stiffly.

"N- Yes, Severus. I'd like to know."

Snape raised an eyebrow.  
"You've never asked before?"

"Before you would have bitten her head off... probably quite literally", Ron said, defensively. "You might still, I don't know..."

Severus looked at Hermione and she nodded at him, very gently. He swallowed hard, sighed heavily and locked eyes with Molly.

"Might I speak with you in private?"

"Of course", Molly said.

"We want to know too", Ron said, with a snip. "Mum's not the only one with reservations."

He looked cautiously at Hermione, but she tried her best to keep her face indifferent.

"Can it wait?" Dumbledore said with a sigh.

"I'd like to know too", Harry said.

Dumbledore would not deny him. He looked at Severus and shrugged, as if to say ' _sorry,_ _I tried'._

Severus straightened his back and took a deep breath.

"It was because of Lily", he said flatly. "It was because I cared for her."

Molly tilted her head.  
"You cared for her?"

"She was my best friend."

Snape took another sharp breath and continued.

"In fact, actually... I felt- I was very much... in love... with her."

Hermione's eyes shot wide and a flutter of excited whispers ate into the silence. Snape flashed an awkward glance at Harry and then moved his fiery gaze back to Molly. As though letting go of his secret released him from his shackles, his body relaxed and he spoke freely from then on.

"I loved her, and The Dark Lord meant to kill her... and James and Harry. He had tried to do so before but I did not care much either way. I was jaded and I was... corrupt. It was I that heard the prophecy about Harry and The Dark Lord. It was I who relayed that information back to him. It was I who..." his voice cracked, and Hermione noticed a single tear form in the bud of his eye. "It's my fault she's dead."

Snape actively avoided Harry's gaze.

"I begged The Dark Lord to spare her. Yes,  _her -_   _Lily -_  not Harry or his father. He refused me. I asked Albus to protect them; he asked me what I would give him in return. I told him I would give him anything to protect her. He asked for my loyalty and I so gave it to him. I turned spy. When she died... when..."

Severus finally turned to Harry and locked his black eyes on those precious green ones.

"... When they died, Albus persuaded me to protect you to honour Lily's memory. I have tried to do that. I have acted as double, nay  _triple_  agent, for these last ten years. It is because I cared so for your mother that I have done my best to protect you... I did it all for her. I admit I have not done it all that well but you are alive, at least. I deeply regret my actions, but you should know that deplorable as I was, I am not that person any longer. I am now-"

Harry cut him off and Severus blanched as his words hit him.

"I don't think I want to hear any more", he said coolly. "I thank you for the truth. Thank you for risking your life for me, but I don't know how easily I can forgive you."

"I understand. I do not expect your forgiveness."

Harry gave him a single jerk of his head in understanding.  
"Just so you know though, Snape... they're not dead because of you. Not entirely. There was Pettigrew too, but mostly, they're dead because of Voldemort. They might well have died without the prophecy. As you said, he'd tried to kill them before."

"Perhaps", Snape said, and he dropped his head.

"Right, then", Dumbledore said. "Back to the matter at hand."

Molly piped up again, with a gentle question.  
"Sorry, Albus. One moment. I would like to ask why you have stayed on our side after all these years?"

"Revenge, maybe?" Snape said.

"Revenge against the man who killed the woman you were in love with twenty years ago? It sounds mad, Severus." Molly said, her round race was filled with an expression of concern rather than judgment or anger.

"Sorry, you misunderstand me. I do not mean that I loved her twenty years ago. I mean to say that I have been in love with her for these last twenty years. You see, up until recently-"

"THAT'S ENOUGH", Dumbledore roared. "I am sorry to interrupt this confession, as I do believe it to be very good for your tortured soul, Severus, but we do not have the time."

His voice was punctured, as though punctuated with exclamation marks. Dumbledore's speech faded into background noise as Severus' words spun round in her mind like a record, except that the record was playing backwards and all she heard was satanic verses and subliminal messages. She gritted her teeth as she replayed them, this time slowly and carefully, hoping to fill in the blanks. Hermione raised her eyes, and saw that Severus was staring intently at her. His eyebrows fell and drew together; his lips pouted and any colour that he had drained to brilliant white. He looked as though he was in great pain.  _Could he possibly hurt as much as she did?_ His gaze became more intense and Hermione had to look away. She drifted off to somewhere in her mind in which she didn't have to deal with Severus' drama. She was so tired of drama.  _Lavender was right, wasn't she? Relationships shouldn't be this difficult._

Hermione came back to the room as Dumbledore said finally:  
"... at the Come and Go Room at sun up. Thank you."

Lavender grabbed Hermione by the hand.  
"You okay?" she asked. "That must have been rough".

Hermione looked at Ron, whose face was outraged. He was one of the few people who knew the true nature of Hermione and Severus' relationship, and she could tell that he was torn between keeping the secret, and boxing Severus square in his hooked nose.

"Come on", Lavender said, "let's go."

Hermione gave a last look at Severus who was making towards her, in a rush, before he was pulled back by Lucius Malfoy.

"We need to leave" Malfoy hissed.

"Right", Snape said, "in a minute, I need to speak to Hermione. I'll be back in a..."

Lucius tightened his grip on Snape.  
"You are our only friend, Severus. We need you right now. Please!"

Lucius' words seemed to shock Severus as much as they did Hermione. Severus hung back on his heels and as though the hesitation was too much for Lucius, he grabbed Severus tightly by his arm, drew his wand and in a heartbeat, they had disapparated.

* * *

Hermione spent much of the next day alone in Severus' quarters. He wouldn't return any time soon, she knew, but she wanted access to all of her research and it seemed as good a place as any to wait for him to return and finish pulling out her heart. She wanted a day to just feel sorry for herself, but time refused to stop even if she did.

Hermione decided instead to use the time to complete her potion work. She'd been so close to creating a healing potion for a werewolf bite just six weeks ago and now she couldn't even find the recipe she'd been working on. Thinking about Snape was messing with her head. She was only working at about fifty percent capacity, which still made her brighter than a lot of other witches and wizards her age, but it was devastating not to have full use of her brain. Her brain had never failed her before, she thought. But then again, that wasn't true. It  _had_  failed her, and it continued to fail her, ever since she'd walked out on Ron all those years ago.

Except that this time, she was not going to fall apart. She was Hermione fucking Granger, and she could do anything if she put her mind to it. All she had to do, was believe that she could.

Her first stroke of inspiration hit when she pulled down a vial of Wit-Sharpening potion from Snape's shelves, and drank it all down.

The second wave of genius came shortly after.

She pulled a second bottle down - a tiny teardrop-shaped glass bottle with a cork stopper, containing perfectly clear liquid.  _Felix Felicis._

With Felix's help, Hermione finally put the missing piece of the puzzle together, and realised to her surprise, that she may well have just created the world's first cure for the werewolf bite. She couldn't be entirely sure that it worked and it's not like she had a whole queue of people with werewolf bites that she could try to cure. Although, she did know a werewolf, and she knew a man who'd survived a run in with one. Perhaps she could go to them. They would be in the Room of Requirement.

Yes. That was the right thing to do. She didn't know why she knew it, but she was certain. Or rather, Felix was.

As she ran through the hallways of Hogwarts, Hermione chased away the thoughts of Severus and Lily. If Lavender was right and love was a game, how could she possibly ever win if her main competitor wasn't even aware they were playing. She tried to shake the thought from her mind but still it pressed. There were bigger things at stake than even she and Severus. Not that anything in the world could feel more pressing; more urgent. Why was it that the world demanded her attention when her attention was so desperate to be elsewhere?

 _I need to shake these thoughts of you_  she thought, and as though the lucky potion in her veins had been ready and waiting to hear her cry, Hermione turned a corner and screeched to a halt as she very nearly collided with a low flying barn owl.

 _That was lucky,_  she thought.

The owl dropped to the floor before her and flapped its wings impatiently/ Hermione took an envelope from its talons and patted it gratefully on its downy head. Severus' scrawled hand read simply 'Hermione' on the front and a thick black, wax stamp - an ornate, gothic  _'M'_ for Malfoy - sealed the back.

* * *

_My Love,_

_How do I even begin such a letter? We were cut off before I could finish explaining my feelings for Lily, and I did not get a chance to catch you after The Order meeting. Now I fear that you are under the wrong impression. I am so sorry if I have been the cause of your pain once more. If you would allow it, I would like to explain myself; I would like to finish the conversation we started. I hope that you will read this letter in its entirety, but I will understand if you tear it to pieces._

_I still have affection for Lily; I will always. You see, Lily can only ever be perfect to me because she is frozen in time. I became obsessed with her because she can never let me down. I hope that you can understand how that might have been attractive to someone like me. Somebody who has been hurt by every person in his life. Make no mistake, I understand that often I have been hurt due to my own recklessness and darkness; I can admit that. But I can only admit it now because I have, I believe, grown and changed in these past months. That is almost entirely because of you. You see, Hermione, you are not like Lily._

_You know that I had been with no woman all my life, and I told myself it was because I loved Lily and I would never betray her. I believed that I did not deserve to even entertain the idea of happiness with somebody else. I had betrayed her and it broke my heart, knowing what I did to her and to her family. I owed her a life so I paid with my own. She could never be happy again because of me and so I did not want to be happy either. I had resigned myself to a life of despair. I thought I would die in misery. I had yet to meet somebody who made me want to live in joy. And then, without warning, there you were._

_I was so ready to let go of her - twenty years was long enough - but nothing I did could sever our connection. Then you came along with your beautiful face and your incredible mind, and you pulled me out of the grave I had dug myself, and you loved me._ _That pink smoke wrapped its fingers around my twisted fondness for you and it changed me. It began to push Lily aside and started to remind me that I had spent a lifetime in love with a dead woman. It tried to show me that I did not have to live a cursed life; that I could still love and be loved, if I just allowed it._

_I'm sorry I didn't see what was happening at the time. All I knew what that I was both terrified of and desperate for your love. Every time I went to see Bellatrix, I felt such shame. I would leave you and your love in my bed and go to her when called like a dog. Each act with her felt like a betrayal of you and the gift you had offered me, and I knew I couldn't accept it. I couldn't let you love me. So I would pull away from you, but I couldn't walk away, because although I could not understand why, I needed you. I resented it, truth be told. I hated how much I had come to depend on you._ _I would return to your love and take it greedily and desperately. I was caught between wanting to push you away, and wanting to hold on to you for dear life._ _I'm sorry it has taken me these long months to understand it all, but I finally do and I am a better man for it._

_Hermione, by allowing me to love you, I am afraid that you may have tied yourself to me for life- perhaps longer still; I have been known to love beyond the grave after all. I loved Lily - yes,_ _loved_ _her, Hermione, in the past - because she was the only person I had. Yet you have filled my life with people and even friendships (if you can believe it?) and still I love you more than I could have ever known possible. And more so, you return my feelings. Reciprocated love is worth a thousand unrequited loves. I hope you know that._

_You do not have to compete with a ghost. Not ever. I am in love with_ _you_ _. Not Lily. Not anymore. Only you. And I love you with everything I have. I've been a desperately broken man, but with each day that passes and you still love me, the more I feel whole. The more whole I feel, the more I have to love you with, and the more I can give to you._

_Your love is a restorative magic that I have not earned. I truly do not deserve you but I promise that I will love you with everything I have and I will give you everything I am able and I promise that I will one day finally deserve you._ _I owe you my life. Anything you ask, is yours. If what you want is for us to be together, officially and openly, then you have it. You have me; all of me. Because with every fibre of my broken being; with every ounce of strength I have, Hermione, I love you. I swear it._

_With all my love,  
Yours only and always,_

_S_


	21. Resurrection

**21\. RESURRECTION**

Severus didn't return for four days. When he appeared in the room like a black cloud, Hermione ran to him and threw her arms around his neck, as though he'd returned from war. He had, she supposed. He clutched at her, pulling her in towards him as though she was smoke that could slip through his fingers. When Hermione was able to break free of his embrace, he held her with a hand on each shoulder and he searched her face desperately with his inky black eyes.

"What's wrong?" she asked him, and she felt the threat of rising panic.

"I didn't know what I was coming home to."

Hermione cocked her head and so Snape continued.

"The look on your face at The Order meeting when I spoke about my feelings for Lily. I will never forget it. I worried that I had finally pushed you too far. You have to know, I don't feel that way any longer, I-"

"I know, Severus. I received your letter."

"But you didn't reply?"

Hermione placed her hand under his chin and tilted his head to face her.  
"I didn't reply because I couldn't be sure it wouldn't be intercepted. Imagine what would happen if one of your Death Eater pals caught you sending love letters to a known Order member who also happens to be a Muggleborn. Sending that letter was unbelievably reckless, Severus."

Snape averted his gaze.  
"You're right", he said, solemnly, "but I couldn't bear the thought of you being upset with me. I never want to hurt you again."

"I know", Hermione said.

"So we are... we're okay?"

"Perfectly fine."

Severus sighed and rested his hands on Hermione's waist and urged her toward him. He kissed her with fervour, as though all of their past pain and torment and misunderstandings could be undone in a moment on their lips. Severus broke the kiss and Hermione felt a little pang of both happiness and longing. He swept through the room, removing his cloak; sat on the edge of the bed and unlaced his boots. He bowed his head and looked at her through the fallen curtain of his long hair. It was longer now than it had ever been; thick dark tresses that fell half-way down his back. He pulled it up into his hands, curled it through his fingers and secured it with a hair tie.

"Look what I found", she said, pulling a galleon from her pocket.

"A coin?" he asked, raising an eyebrow of interest.

"It's my DA coin", she said, happily. "The ones you have been using to communicate with Dumbledore!"

"So you can spy on me, now?" he asked, with a twitch of a smile in the corners of his lips.

"Yes, exactly!" Hermione laughed.

"Well, it's a good job we communicate in code then".

"What is the code for 'come home soon, I miss you'. I feel like I could get some use out of that one."

Severus broke into a smile that filled his face.

"Funnily enough, we don't have one of those, yet. Moody isn't big on expressing his feelings. Much as I'm sure he wishes he could express how much he misses me when we are apart. Perhaps, we should make our own?"

"Let's!"

Snape's eyes darkened.

"First I would like to talk with you?"

"Okay", Hermione said and she perched herself beside him on the bed.

"Listen. I have told you that I love wildly and forever, Hermione", Severus said, "and so it is taking all of my restraint not to act rashly."

"Oh, this sounds serious... I'd ask if I should be sitting down but I am already..."

He wrapped his hands around hers.

"It is serious, I suppose. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and so logically it follows that I want to ask you to marry me. However, I understand that it might be a little soon?"

Her eyes flew open, but she was pleasantly surprised to find that the idea didn't terrify her.

"Err, yes... Just a little".

"I wondered therefore if perhaps, for a change, we could try for something a little more normal."

Hermione grinned.

"Normal, like we'd be a couple?"

"Yes."

He looked at her then and took in the smile on her face. He frowned.

"But you do understand that you are agreeing that I will be  _tethered_  to you?"

"Yes, love. I know that you have bound yourself to me and I relish it."

The frown faded, and his eyes met hers.  
"So you still want to be- You will be... mine?"

"Yes, Severus."

She patted him gently on the thigh.

"Right. Now that you've finally done that" she said, with a wink "there is a matter at hand larger than us, if you can believe it."

"What's that?" he asked.

Hermione pointed to the pretty, tawny owl perched on the highest of Snape's potions shelves. The bird bowed its head as though in greeting. Snape stared at it, and screwed up his face. Hermione grabbed the piece of torn parchment from the bedside table and then gestured back at the owl with a jerk of her head. The letter had come but a few hours before Severus' arrival.

"Albus wants to see us", she said, and handed him the note.

* * *

Severus and Hermione walked hand in hand as they ascended the stairs, and moved through the castle to the Headmaster's Office.

"Ice Mice", Severus said as he rolled his eyes, "... ridiculous man."

The gargoyle guarding the entrance to the office stepped aside and Hermione squeezed Snape's hand. She gestured for him to go in front of her; not intending to be the first to enter the room. She was hardly Albus' biggest fan and she hadn't been very good at pretending otherwise. Severus stepped in front of her and took the steps two at a time, leaving Hermione trailing behind him. He stopped and waited at the top of the staircase.

"Sorry", he said "force of habit. I usually like to get in and out as quickly as I can".

Severus rapped on the door with the back of his hand.

"You requested us, Sir", he said, and his voice dripped with contempt and sarcasm.

She liked that he too held issue with Dumbledore. It was refreshing since everyone Hermione knew seemed to think that Albus was infallible. Hermione and Snape approached the desk where Albus sat, oblivious that they were stood in front of him, awaiting an explanation for their summons.

"Professor Dumbledore?" Hermione urged, "are you okay?"

Albus blinked rapidly.  
"What? Yes. I'm fine, quite fine."

Severus groaned and moved around the desk. He snatched Dumbledore's arm from its hiding place under the desk. Albus' hand was black and shrivelled. Hermione's mouth fell open into an 'o' of surprise and Severus pulled Dumbledore's sleeve.

"It's spreading again, then?" he asked.

"Yes."

Snape transfigured a stool from a book on Albus' desk, held the blackened hand cautiously and studied it closely.  
"Is this why you summoned us?"

Dumbledore nodded and gave a pathetic wince as Snape prodded the barbed edges of the curse's mark.

"I hoped that Miss Granger may be able to help where you could not. Or perhaps if the two of you were to put your heads together."

"There is neither spell nor potion that can undo this, Albus. It is completely out of the realm of anyone's abilities. If you had come to me sooner..."

"If I may..." Hermione said, and took Dumbledore's hand from Severus, clutching it in her own hands and studying it herself.

Hermione's eyes narrowed as she concentrated. Severus was right; there was no known spell nor potion to counteract such a curse. But up until five days ago there was no known potion to stop werewolf saliva from contaminating the blood either and she was almost certain that she'd accomplished that.

"I don't know if I will be able to cure it entirely", she said, "but there might be a way to stop it from spreading."

"I've already tried that", Severus replied. "I contained the curse to his hand weeks ago, but as you can see it had begun to spread again."

Hermione nodded.  
"Yes. I just wonder perhaps there is some way to take my Werewolf antidote and alter it so that in the same way the antidote stops the saliva from moving in the blood, it could stop the curse from taking over the body."

Severus and Dumbledore each stared at Hermione like she was mad.

"You've created a what?" Dumbledore said.

"You actually managed to do it?" Snape asked.

Hermione moved back around the desk and reached into her bag. She pulled out a small clear vile with a greenish liquid inside. She held it out to them.

"Werewolf Antivenom", she said, "and I think I can do something similar for you. It may take a while. How long do you think he has, Severus?"

He looked at the black hand, then back up to Hermione with a line between his eyebrows that said he wasn't entirely sure what was going on.  
"Six months?"

"Plenty of time", Hermione said. "Like I said, I don't think I will be able to cure you, not now, it's too late for that, but I could add years to your life... if you believe it is worth it?"

"I do", he said, jumping to his feet with an energy that a man as old as he was should not logically have. "Thank you, Miss Granger."

Hermione looked at the portraits of the professors in the room. Most were wide-eyed and alert. Others nodded at Hermione as though impressed. The remaining few professors snoozed in their frames. She looked at Dumbledore and jutted her chin towards the paintings.

"Do they know about the business regarding the unbreakable vow?" she asked. "If I ask you about them, will I... be okay?"

"Yes, they all know. There are very few secrets kept here in this room. Thankfully they are all loyal."

"Good", she said, "because I would ask a question. Where are we, sir, with finding the horcruxes? How many do we have left to locate? You said you believed there were six. We have the diary, Slytherin's locket... the cup..."

Severus bristled beside her at the mention of the cup.

"There are seven", Dumbledore said, "we have the three you have mentioned. We have Marvolo Gaunt's ring which has since been destroyed but at a price."

He lifted up his hand and Hermione nodded with understanding.

"You said you believed Nagini was one? I count five."

"Have you not told her?" Dumbledore said, and Hermione realised that his eyes were now on Severus.

Snape shook his head.

"Do you not think you ought to?" he asked.

Severus sighed and took Hermione's hand.

"There are two more horcruxes, Hermione", Severus said, with an apologetic tone. "One is the Diadem of Ravenclaw, and the other, the accidental horcrux, is... Potter."

Hermione's eyes flew open in horror.  
"What?"

"Does Harry know?" she asked.

"Yes, he knows."

Hermione looked at Albus.  
"He will need to be... destroyed then?"

"Yes", Dumbledore said plainly, "he will need to die."

"But you're not going to let him... surely?"

"I have a plan to keep him alive, it's true."

Hermione softened.  
"And he knows this?"

"What do you think? That I would allow a young man full of life to walk the earth knowing that he will have to die, and not let him know that I have a plan to make sure that he does not stay dead? Do you think I would let a new father, believe that he is finished? Of course he knows, Miss Granger."

"I'm sorry", Hermione said, dropping her head "you're right."

Severus stared at Dumbledore with intent. It almost looked in that moment, like hatred.

"You don't have to speak to her like that", he said. "She doesn't know. She's been out of the loop. It's not her fault. We have kept her in the dark; all of us."

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked.

"I mean that The Order are wary of you, Hermione", Snape said gently. "They trust you, of course, but your unwillingness to use your magic is worrisome to many of them. Sometimes when people do not use their magic it is because they do not have it under control and when they can't control it they are dangerous."

"My sister, Arianna is a prime example, Miss Granger", Dumbledore said, "but never fear, we have since assured everyone that you are quite capable. They are coming around to the idea."

Hermione rolled her eyes and shook her head.  
"Lovely", she said with a tone so heavy with sarcasm that she reminded herself of Snape. "So they're only a  _little bit_ scared of me now?"

She turned to look at Severus. "You said 'we' - 'we have kept her in the dark' - am I to assume therefore that you have also kept information from me too? More than your knowledge of Harry's situation, anyway."

 _Please no_ , Hermione thought.  _Not you as well._  Snape gave a small but stern nod.

"Dumbledore arranged for Lupin, Bill Weasley and I to search for the diadem. We didn't know where it was, but at least we knew what it was. Bella has loose lips you see, particularly after a night of drinking and debauchery and torture- that being her favourite pastime."

Dumbledore shot a glance at Severus and then at Hermione.

"I believed it was in the castle, for reasons I shall not bore you with now."

"We located it last week in the Come and Go Room, of all places," Severus said. "I didn't tell you that I was looking for it because I was asked not to. I don't believe either Tonks or Fleur know either. But I should admit" he said, and took her hand, "I was glad not to tell you because I didn't want you to know that I was putting myself in that position again."

"With Bellatrix- you went back to the Lestranges?"

"Well... yes", Snape said, with a solemn tone.

Seeing the look of broken devastation on Hermione's face he snatched her hands to his chest. His eyes were wild.  
"No, Hermione. God, no!" he said, desperately, "not like that. Never! Never again will I be with her like that."

Hermione felt her stomach pull itself back up to its rightful place. She glanced at Dumbledore, who had averted his gaze. Suddenly very interested in the portrait of Phineas Nigellus Black, who sneered down at the scene in front of him.

"You could do worse than Bella", Phineas said, and with a quick flash of Severus' wand, Phineas' portrait fell to the floor, face down.

The muffled sound of Phineas' protestation sent a wide smile to Hermione's face and Severus relaxed as she wrapped her hand around his.

"So you two are... together?..." Dumbledore asked, raising an eyebrow and narrowing his eyes, "... openly?"

Severus puffed his chest and pulled himself to full height.  
"Is that a problem, Dumbledore?"

Albus laughed.  
"Oh stop posturing, Severus. I am very pleased for you."

"You do not think I am too broken, or too old for her?"

Hermione realised that Severus was asking genuinely. For all his dislike of the headmaster, he still respected him deeply and valued his opinion above all others. Hermione waited on baited breath as Dumbledore gave his answer. She knew that, even if Severus would not admit it, Albus' response could irrevocably alter their relationship

"Broken? Perhaps. But I do not believe that there is a person alive who has not been broken in some way. As for your age difference, Severus, you are forty-three, I am one hundred and twenty and we are friends are we not?"

Snape frowned and narrowed his eyes.  
"Are we?"

"Yes", Dumbledore snapped, "as much as you hate to admit it. We are bonded in our own way. Even when you are angry with me, you still care about me. That is friendship, is it not?"

"I suppose. I am glad, Dumbledore, to be considered your-"

Snape's neck snapped backwards, he gritted his teeth as he clung to his forearm.

"Ah. Duty calls, Severus?" Dumbledore said, coldly.

"Yes. I have to go" he said, turning to Hermione.

He drew her into his arms and kissed her.  
"I will see you soon", he said and nestled his head into her hair to whisper, "I love you."

"Be safe" Hermione said, and she felt her stomach drop back down to her knees.

A playful grin spread across Albus' face.

"Severus! What was that? You  _love_ her?!" he asked, gleefully.

"Oh piss off, you sentimental old fool", Snape said, with a sardonic smile, and disapparated with a crack.

Dumbledore's face became gentle and kind. He took Hermione's hand in his and patted her gently on the shoulder.

"I know that you have your reservations about me, Miss Granger, and I believe you are wise to have them. However, I would like you to know that I say this with absolute sincerity. I have never seen Severus happy. I have known him since he was eleven and even then he was visibly hurting. He has walked this earth as a shattered man and deathly cold. You have truly performed a miracle. You have brought a man back from the dead."

"No", Hermione said, "he has brought himself back from the dead."

"You do not give yourself enough credit", Albus said, with a coy smile.

"And you do not give enough to Severus..."

* * *

Hermione threw open the door to Dumbledore's office and did not wait to be beckoned towards him. She slammed her DA coin down on the desk in front of him.

"What does  _505_  mean?"

"What?" Albus asked.

"The coin", she snapped. "I dug out my old one. What does  _505_  mean? Is it a time?"

Dumbledore brought his eyes up from the papers on his desk and met Hermione's fiery gaze. He shook his head.

"I don't know."

"Well, why did you call me here? Has there been any news?"

He shook his head again. Hermione felt her fingers curl and she had to take a breath to speak clearly.

"Professor, it has been six days. I've not heard from him for six days..."

"I know, I too am worried, but what do you propose we do?"

Hermione threw herself into the chair opposite Dumbledore's desk.

"Are you really asking?"

"Yes, Miss Granger, I am at a loss."

Albus rocked back and forth on his chair.

"I don't know what we do", Hermione said. "I'm sorry."

She pulled her hair off her face and looked Dumbledore directly into his pool blue eyes.  
"When did you hear from him last?"

"He sent a Patronus from Malfoy Manor to say that The Dark Lord planned to attack in nine days time."

"A Patronus? That sounds risky".

"Perhaps a little."

"Right", Hermione said, swallowing the lump in her throat, "and that was when?"

"Two days ago... so we have seven days remaining, Miss Granger... before the battle comes. Are you prepared? Are you... ready?"

Hermione understood the part of the question that he left hanging. What he really wanted to know is  _'will you be able to fight?'_

"I don't know", Hermione said, "I may be of better use in the hospital wing? I am sure I will fight if absolutely necessary..."

"I understand", Dumbledore said.

"If Severus sent his Patronus from Malfoy Manor- could we check there?"

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows.

"I've already sent word to them. There has been no response. Severus has been with them for their protection. But the Malfoys are not supposed to be at their manor, so perhaps they have vacated?"

"Without telling anyone?" Hermione asked, with a note of irritation in her voice.

"No, I suppose not. Severus would have informed me if they had moved on."

"So what you're saying is that they could all be in danger? I swear to God, Sir, if we don't do anything..."

"Then neither of us will forgive ourselves, you are quite right. Okay. Let me think."

Dumbledore pulled his own coin from his pocket. He fiddled with it between his fingers.

" _505_ ", he said, with a perplexed grimace. " _5... 0... 5."_

"It really doesn't mean anything to you?" she asked.

Albus' face fell to a frown as he stared at the coin.

"No, I'm sorry. When we first decided to use the coins, Moody, being overly cautious, said that he refused to communicate with us unless we did so in code. As such, we set up a few simple ones that we all understood. For example,  _142_  is 'on the move', and  _939_  is 'target located', and so on and so forth."

"And you're sure that  _505_  isn't one of them?"

"I'm certain."

"Who else has a coin?"

"Other than myself and Moody, there is Remus, Bill, Arthur and Severus," he said, and nodded to Hermione's coin on the desk. "... And you. But they would all use one of the standard codes, would they not? At first, I figured that it was an accident..."

Hermione heard the words that were missing from his sentence.

"But not anymore. Now you think that somebody else has used the coin? Someone who shouldn't have?"

"Yes", Dumbledore said, darkly.

"Is everyone else accounted for?"

"Arthur, Remus and Bill have checked in to say that they are safe."

"What about Moody?"

"Alastor may be missing too. He was also at... oh Gods... The last time I heard from him, he was checking in with The Malfoys."

"And so he, the Malfoys and... Severus... they could have been discovered?"

Dumbledore nodded and dropped his head. It was so disconcerting to see him like this. He was always in control - he always had a plan.

"Professor, I need you to pull yourself together, please. What do we do?"

"I don't know", he said, helplessly, "I don't understand. It  _could_  have been an accident, couldn't it? Any one of them could have dropped it and anyone could have picked it up and played about with it."

Hermione thought he sounded as though he was trying to convince himself.

"But the message came from Severus' coin", he continued, "and I can't imagine him being careless with it. But it could also be a Death Eater who sent it to us; it could be a trap... I don't want to put people's lives in danger..."

"Lives are already in danger! We have to-"

Hermione stopped dead and her eyes widened as comprehension drew on her.

"Oh. Oh God."

"What, Miss Granger?"

"It's definitely from Severus' coin?"

"Yes?"

"Fuck! It's not  _505_ , Professor. It's not an accident. It's not a trap either. The code is not meant for you. It's for me."

"What is it? What does  _505_  mean?"

"It isn't  _505_... It's SOS!"


	22. The Lioness

**22\. THE LIONESS**

"What is SOS?" Albus asked, puzzled.

"It's a muggle form of communication; it's a distress signal..."

"How would Severus know a muggle distress signal?"

"I'm not sure. But having seen his personal library, I wouldn't be surprised if he did."

She allowed herself a moment of doubt.  _Would he know it? What if the message wasn't from him?_

Dumbledore took a brief moment to digest her words before he snapped to action.

"Right, we have to risk it. Fawkes" he said, turning to the magnificent bird who sat atop his perch.

The bird looked at his master and nodded.

"Send for Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks, Arthur Weasley and Bill Weasley- bring them here, immediately, do you understand?"

The bird nodded, stretched his magnificent wings, and took flight. Just as quickly he was disappeared. Within seconds, the door to Dumbledore's office swung open and Minerva McGonagall's cat Patronus burst into the room. It opened its mouth and Minerva's voice spoke in rushed, frantic whispers.

"Death Eaters", the Patronus said, "at the edge of the grounds! We're surrounded. We're beginning our protective enchantments. We all know our role. It is time, Albus!"

The cat closed its mouth, stretched its hind leg upwards and began to lick itself.

Dumbledore grabbed his wand and fired off Patronus after Patronus.

"It has started. They are at the gates. Battle has begun. Join us. We beg you. You know where to go" he said and the phoenixes stretched their wings, and just like Fawkes before them, they took flight and disappeared into the ether.

Then he spoke again and fired off more Patronuses.

"It has begun. Death Eaters are at the gates. Get the children to safety. You know your role! Best of luck."

He turned to Hermione.

"I have to send out the message to the other Order Members. I should tell you that I plan to lift the apparition ban on the Come and Go Room. I have made it a Secret Kept place and I am the Secret Keeper, Hermione. Those of us who know about it, will be able to find it. And only  _I_ can tell of its location."

"But Voldemort knows about The Come and Go Room, doesn't he?"

"Yes", Albus said with a firm nod, "it is my hope that he apparates into it, because we have many people there ready and willing to kill him."

Hermione felt her heart jump to her throat.  
"But he can't die!"

"Not yet, no. Which is why I will not lift the ban until he is close to death. I will lift it once Harry had made his sacrifice. Then the only horcrux left to be destroyed is the snake. I am already working on it. Order members are flooing in all over the school right now. Only those who have been approved will be allowed in- which works for us right now, but once I lift the apparition ban anyone who knows of it will be able to move into it. We just have to hope that very few know about it, because there are truly only a handful of us who know it exists. It is secretive, you see. We will fight Lord Voldemort to the death, Hermione, all of us! We are not outnumbered this time. We have re-enforcements."

"Now", he said, looking at her intently, "who do you wish to take with you on what I imagine will be a rescue mission? I cannot spare many. Perhaps six at most, including you. Remus, Tonks and Bill are yours. I suppose Arthur will want to fight with his family, and so I will spare you two more- I will need every other able body with me here at the school, but if you take a few, that would be okay. I need you to be protected too."

"Wait- _I_ have to go?" she asked.

"Do you wish to stay, knowing that Severus may be in danger?"

Hermione hung her head and shook it. The door again slammed open and the sound, along with the rush of people flooing in from the fireplace put Hermione on her guard. She felt every hair on her body stand to attention.

"Exactly, so take your people and go."

"I can't... I don't know what..."

"I cannot be in two places at once, Miss Granger. And truthfully, I am overwhelmed. I must go and support Minerva. That is what I can do. I have to protect the school. I have complete faith in you. Everyone..." he said turning to Bill, Arthur, Remus and Tonks, who stepped into the room from the fireplace. "Hermione will fill you in; you are to follow her orders- agreed?"

They each nodded.

 _Oh God_ , she thought,  _oh god, oh god, oh god. I am in over my head. I can't do this. I can't. I don't know what to do. I need... I need..._

"Oh thank God! Ron!"

She threw her arms around the figure that entered the doorway.

"I'm so glad you're here. Where's Harry?"

"He's with McGonagall, they're warding the school. Juliette is with Ginny and Fleur at Grimmauld Place already- it's all bloody kicking off now, isn't it, 'Mione?"

Hermione laughed and felt at peace for just a moment in the embrace of her friend.

"Guys, I'm genuinely sorry to interrupt this little reunion", Bill said, tapping his foot, but there was a casual tone to his voice that comforted her. "Time is of the essence. So, Hermione, what's going on and what do you need us to do?"

"Right, yes, okay. We believe that the Malfoys, Moody and Severus are in trouble. I need two of you to go to Malfoy Manor and have a quick look around. I want to know who is there and what is happening."

"And if we're seen?" Bill asked.

"Wear Harry's invisibility cloak! I think it's around here somewhere."

Ron located the cloak atop Albus' chest, and Lupin stepped forward.

"Come on, Dora. We'll go, shall we?"

"It'll give us an excuse to stay close", Tonks said with a guilty little laugh.

Tonks took the cloak from Hermione's arms and nodded. She gripped her husband tightly and threw the cloak over their heads.

"Can you see us?"

"Perfectly hidden", Hermione said, "now go, and please be careful!"

Hermione turned to Arthur.  
"Would you like to stay here to fight?"

He nodded solemnly.  
"If that's okay, Hermione? I would like to be with Molly."

"Of course", she said, and dismissed him.

In another life Hermione might have enjoyed the power trip. She did so enjoy bossing people around in her younger years after all. But this was different. There was little pleasure to be taken from her new role of responsibility.

Hermione turned to Ron.  
"Do you still have Harry's map?"

"Of course I do", Ron said with a sly smile, "gotta keep an eye on you, haven't I?"

She glared at him.

"Right... not the time for jokes. Gotcha... What do you want me to do?"

"Albus said he can spare five of you so Bill, I would like you to go to Severus' house - 16 Spinner's End, Cokeworth. Report back to me as soon as possible, would you?"

Bill nodded and headed for the fireplace.  
"What do you expect me to find?" he asked.

"I have no idea. That's what terrifies me. I can't think about that right now, so Ronald, I would like you to check the map for Neville and go fetch him. I think we should take him with us, if you agree? I considered Luna, but I thought she might be of more use here at the castle?"

"Neville would be my choice too. I'll go now. Meet you back here?"

"Yes", Hermione said, "be sensible, Ron."

He grinned and moved swiftly out of the room.

Hermione sat in the empty headmaster's office, at his desk, dropped her head to her hands and sobbed. It was all far too much. She needed to use her magic. Severus, Moody and the Malfoys were counting on her to pull herself together, fuse the cracks of her broken soul and be  _Hermione Granger_.

She pulled her wand from her pocket and stared at it. She needed to fight, but first she needed to train. There was no time; she should have been doing this months ago. How had everyone allowed her to let her magic go stale? Once she had thought of her magic like sunshine. It was a beautiful, blinding powet that she had all for herself. Sunshine never leaves us, Hermione told herself. It's constant even when you can't see it.  _Magic is sunshine_ , she told herself, as she took the wand in her hand. There was only one spell she had struggled with at school, and it was the one she wanted to do more than anything.

She wanted to send a Patronus. To attempt the spell, knowing how much trouble it had given her before, as a test of her own ability after all these years was smart and cunning even. She had the determination of a Slytherin and the wisdom of a Ravenclaw. She knew that this was the opportune moment, if she was ever going to regain her ability, it had to be now. Her need to comfort her friend was more important than her desire to stay safely out of the way. Her desperation to reach Severus would trump her fear of her magic; her Hufflepuff loyalty. The only thing that deserted her was her Gryffindor courage.  _Be brave_ , she told herself,  _be brave, be brave. All you have to do is be brave._ She clutched tightly at her wand and allowed the lion in her chest to break free of its cage. It stood proudly, shook its magnificent head and it roared.

Hermione focused on the memories that brought her the most joy. Not just one - but many - love and laughter with Lavender, Susan and Katie. Falling in love and being loved in return by Severus. Reuniting with Ron and Harry and Ginny - holding baby James in her arms. All of the madness and drama and love and happiness that had acted as the thread she used to hold herself together, surged inside her and a burst of silver light erupted from her wand. The silver light began to take its shape, except it didn't form itself into the otter of her childhood- the Patronus stood taller, prouder. It was strong and able and agile; a gorgeous, hungry, powerful lioness stood before her. Hermione grinned. She'd never much liked her otter - this was better - this was who she was now.

She turned to the lion. It was time to put things in order.

"Look, I'm using my magic", she said, allowing herself to laugh but she returned to the Patronus with a serious face. "I know you are all afraid; I am too. I love you. Be brave. Stay safe. Take care of each other..."

"Lavender Brown, Susan Bones, Katie Bell", she informed it. "In the hospital wing."

Hermione watched as the lioness prowled through the office and then when she nodded to it, it took to a run and chased out of the room. She made another.  
"Slughorn, all of our potions are in the store cupboard in the lockbox. Please have someone send it all down to the hospital wing. They will need it. Good luck..."

Her fingers trembled but her voice remained still.  
"... and thank you, for everything."

It felt like saying goodbye. But she couldn't think like that- she needed to keep moving. She made a final Patronus. The person she wanted to send one to more than anything was Severus, but she couldn't be sure that he would be alone. She had to just hope that he knew what she wanted to say.  _I love you. I am coming for you. Hang on._

With a rush of sound, Remus and Tonks appeared in the fireplace, and threw the cloak to the ground. Tonks' face was deathly white and Remus shook his head.

"Empty", he said, "the whole place has been ransacked and... Mad-Eye... he's dead. We found him in the dining room. I flooed him to the castle so hopefully someone will find him and put him to rest..." Remus' voice cracked and his great head sagged. "I couldn't leave him there".

"There was blood everywhere, Hermione and I don't think all of it was Moody's" Tonks said, cautiously. "We don't know what it means, but I thought I should warn you."

Hermione felt an emptiness in the pit of her stomach. She couldn't begin to panic now. Not now she was doing so well. She was taking charge. She was in control.

She patted the last Patronus on its head and spoke to it.

"I don't know how much you know but I am taking Remus, Tonks, Ronald, Neville and Bill to search for Severus and The Malfoys. They are in grave danger. Moody's dead. I'm so sorry. We will return to you, Harry, I promise. We will not desert you. I know what you must do this night. You are so brave. Take good care of yourself. I wish you all the luck in the world."

"What does he have to do tonight?" Lupin asked, and his usually calm face was wracked with fear. "Is it to do with him being... what he is... you know...?"

Remus moved in towards Hermione and said in a low voice, "... a horcrux?"

"Yes", Hermione said gently, "you should know that Dumbledore has a plan and everything will turn out fine, but... he must die, Remus."

"Die!?" Tonks shrieked.

"No", said Remus, shaking his head with fervour. "No, no, NO! Hermione, tell me it isn't true. Dumbledore is the most powerful wizard in the world for sure, but his plans do not always work. Look at James and Lily - they were under his protection. No!" he began to yell now too. "THIS ISN'T RIGHT! HERMIONE, HOW DO WE STOP HIM?"

Lupin did not look or sound like himself in this moment. She did not know who she was talking to, but she needed Remus Lupin - her old Defence teacher - who was cool and collected in a crisis.

"We don't stop him, Remus. I'm sorry. He has to die."

"It's not fair", he said under his breath. "It's not right."

"I know", Hermione said, putting her hand on his shoulder, circling the tweed fabric beneath her fingers. "But I need you to focus, okay? We need to go find Severus and the Malfoys."

There was a crash of chatter and panicked sound as Ron, Bill and Neville all appeared in the doorway.

"The Dark Army approaches", Bill said, in a panicked rush. "They will attack soon. We have to go now! I would prefer to get back to Mum and Dad sooner rather than later."

"Hermione", Neville said in interruption, between flustered breaths, "we ran into Dumbledore on our way up here, he told me to tell you that The Dark Lord heads up his forces, but that some of his Death Eaters are not by his side, as they usually are. He said you would understand the relevance of it. Crab and Goyle aren't with him", Neville said, "and... oh, The Lestranges. He said to make sure you knew that Bellatrix was missing. Does that mean-"

"Fuck!" Hermione cried and grabbed her beaded bag from Albus' desk. "Come on. We have to go!"

"Where? Where are we going?" Ron asked

"The Lestranges Manor."

* * *

Hermione clung to Remus as he apparated them both to the forest around the grounds of the Lestrange Manor- she was still not comfortable with apparition, even if her Patronuses had been such a success. They hid under the cover of the trees and with multiple crashing sounds like cracked whips, Bill, Neville and Tonks appeared behind them and joined them under cover. Then finally, Ron appeared clutching Harry's invisibility cloak and the Marauder's Map. He shoved the map into his back pocket and nodded at Hermione. Tonks slipped her nimble fingers into Remus' outstretched hand and put her other arm onto Hermione's shoulder.

"What now?" Tonks asked.

"We go inside."

"You want to storm the place?" Ron asked, and Hermione couldn't mistake the glint of excitement in his fearful eyes.

"Yes, I suppose so, but first..." Hermione said, and pulled out a handful of silvery vials from her bag. "... We should drink these."

"Woah... Invisibility potions?" Ron said with childlike excitement.

Hermione handed a vial each to Ron, Tonks and Lupin. I only have four so two of you should keep watch under the cloak... Bill, will you and Neville keep watch?"

"You want us to keep watch?" Bill asked, with a note of incredulity in his voice. "I've come all this way and you want us to stand outside."

"If you want to leave, Bill, we can find a way to manage without you", Ron said with a sour tone.

"I'm not leaving!" Bill snapped. "All I am saying is that surely only one of us needs to keep watch? You'll need all the help you can get in there."

"Fine" Hermione said, admitting defeat.

He  _was_ right, after all.

"Someone will have to stay out here without the cloak then, because we can't share the potion- we'll only have limited invisibility anyway..."

Tonks let go of Lupin's hand and stepped forward.

"I'll stand watch then... I'll disguise myself. I'm sure I could make myself look like one of these ugly bastards" she said, pointing at the imposing, demonic statues that stood guard around the walls of the Manor grounds. "Go!" she urged. "I'll make a load of noise out here and when someone opens the door, you go in. Okay?"

Hermione nodded.

"I'll be fine, honestly", Tonks said gently, directing her words to her husband.

She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and handed Neville her potion.

"Ron", Hermione said, "you use the cloak, you have the most experience with it."

He nodded.

As Hermione, Neville, Bill and Remus drank down their potions, they faded into clear outlines that were almost entirely invisible. Ron was the only one who truly disappeared.

"Stay close, Ron" Hermione said with a stern voice that reminded her of Mrs Weasley. "We can all just about see each other, but we will lose you entirely if you wander off."

There followed silence.

"Yes", he said, "I understand... sorry, I was bloody nodding. It's weird not having you and Harry in here with me."

"Let's go", Hermione said and for the first time that evening, her voice shook.


	23. Avada Kedavra

**23\. AVADA KEDAVRA**

The Lestrange Manor was exactly as she had imagined it. It looked as though it was once an impressive building, but not one that had ever been beautiful. It was dark and imposing. There were cobwebs in every corner, and broken pictures on every wall. There was a thick layer of soot and dirt on the floor; there were few windows, so there was little light. She imagined that once the Lestranges were locked in Azkaban, the place fell into disrepair, but even if the place was clean and tidy, it would still have terrified her. It was clear to all those who entered that this was the home of a dark witch and wizard.

Hermione passed through the hallway and followed the sound of muffled voices. There was someone here at least, which was a good sign. Or so she hoped. She checked that the room was empty, before moving swiftly through to the lounge. The voices got clearer, and Hermione realised that one of the sounds was a haunting whimpering. She swallowed the lump in her throat and moved through to what seemed to be the dining room. Hermione heard her before she saw her. That obnoxious cackle flooded Hermione with fear. She turned behind her and saw four faded outlines, and assumed that Ronald was somewhere nearby. They didn't have much time. The potions would wear off in no time. She had to act quickly.

'Expelliarmus', Hermione whispered, and Bellatrix's wand shot straight out of her hand.

Hermione couldn't explain entirely why she had chosen that spell in particular, but it had worked so well for Harry in the past it seemed to leave her lips involuntarily. Bellatrix shrieked and whipped around looking for the caster.

"You", she said, bearing down on Lucius Malfoy, who was hunched on his knees in the corner of the room, magically bound by his hands. "You did this"

"Did what?" Lucius asked.

His voice was pathetic and Hermione's stomach turned.

Bellatrix reached for her wand and lifted it, pointing the tip to Malfoy's temple.  
"I will not hesitate", Bellatrix said in a voice so cold the room turned to ice. "Do not try me, Lucius."

"Bella, please!" Narcissa wailed from beside her husband. "We are sisters. Do not let his war turn us against each other."

Hermione hadn't noticed Narcissa, as her eyes had been glued to Lucius.

"You dare talk to me", Bellatrix hissed. "You are no sister of mine!"

Hermione took in the scene before her. Rodolphus and Crabbe Senior paced around the room as Bellatrix took the lead. Both Goyles, father and son, sat on either side of the grand Chesterfield sofa, with their legs hitched up under them, like the gargoyles that adorned the manor's facade. Lucius, knelt before them, in front of a towering bookcase, with his white hair sticky with blood, was beside the slight and beautiful woman, with all of her sharp edges. She was curled at his side like a frightened dog. Behind her, the small and broken figure of Draco Malfoy, lay curled in the foetal position. The silver glare of Lumos came from an unknown source. It illuminated him, bathing him in a pearlescent light. His eyes were closed, but Hermione could see the rise and fall of his chest, as he cowered. His face was littered with small cuts. He'd been punished, she assumed, but for what? As Bellatrix moved towards Draco, Narcissa flung herself in front of her son, shielding him from her sister. Severus, however, was nowhere to be seen.

"Bombarda!" Hermione yelled, and the bookcase behind the Malfoys came crashing to the ground.

The effect was enough that it shocked the Death Eaters into action and the Malfoys began to scramble to their feet. Spells began to fire from behind her, some were verbal, others silent as they began their assault.

"Homenum Revelio!" screamed Rodolphus.

Hermione, Remus, Neville and Bill became immediately visible. Ron however, stayed safely disappeared beneath the cloak. The sight of each other urged them all into action. Hermione began shooting spells at Bellatrix, one after the other. She was surprised by how many of them actually worked, although some fizzled out before reaching their potential. Bellatrix only laughed.

"Nice try, little girl", she said, "but not nice enough!"

Hermione stepped over a pile of broken glass and shouted hex after jinx and dodged Bellatrix's many returning curses. Hermione threw up a shield charm between herself and Neville, who was locked in battle with Goyle Jr just in time to deflect the killing curse that whipped out of Goyle's wand.

Bill took on Crabbe Senior, springing around the room with both arrogance and grace, and it was that which always made him seem so cool. His red hair whipped as he dodged a hex from Crabbe, and then he struck him with a leglocker curse. Crabbe fell to his feet and Bill disarmed him, then bound him, and threw him into the corner of the room, in the pile of debris from the destroyed bookcase. Lupin was in one on one combat with Rodolphus Lestrange, who was, Hermione knew, a very powerful wizard. Thankfully Remus was more than a match for him. Tonks appeared in the room, brandishing her wand like a dagger, she began screaming, as she joined in the fray.

"Stupefy! Expelliarmus! Petrificus Totalus!... Get the fuck off my husband, you death eating piece of shit... Immobulus!"

Hermione locked eyes with Neville for just a moment, but it was long enough that Bellatrix was able to screech "DEPULSO" sending Hermione ricocheting back into the dining table. The small of her back hit the table's edge and Hermione let out a devastating cry of agony.

"Fuck you!" Hermione screamed "... Incendio!"

Fire whipped around Bellatrix and Hermione focused every ounce of her energy on moving the flame so that it surrounded Bellatrix. It was much harder than it needed to be, but still, she managed. Neville staggered backwards, on the back end of some jinx or other. Hermione opened her mouth to help him but he got there first yelling "FLIPPENDO", which knocked Goyle Jr unsteady, long enough for him to yell again.

"Flippendo! Expelliarmus!" and Goyle's wand ripped through the air.

Neville caught it tight in his hands. Bill came up behind him and magically bound Goyle, leaving him in the pile with Crabbe.

Ron blasted curses and jinxes at Goyle Senior, who looked around stupidly trying to find the power's source. Ron roared "SECTUMSEMPRA" and it echoed around the room. Deep cuts appeared on Goyle's face, and tore through his clothes to his body beneath. He fell to the ground and Ron went to rip his cloak off.

"No!" Hermione yelled, "I've got this! Take down Lestrange!"

"Which one?!"

Hermione began the counter curse, to heal Goyle's wounds. She turned to face the maniacal woman. Bellatrix ripped through the fire, her cloak aflame and moved towards them like a stalking panther.

"That one!" Hermione yelled and Ron shot up a shield just in time.

"Confringo!" Ron shouted as he hurtled towards Bellatrix.

She deflected it with ease and cast her own curse. Ron whipped his wand forward but not quite in time. Bellatrix's face filled with a devilish grin as she prepared to kill.

"Avada Kedav-"

"No!" Bill screamed and he threw himself in front of the curse.

* * *

Hermione ran up the stairs of the Lestrange Manor.

 _Bill is dead,_ she told herself.  _Bill is dead. Another Weasley ripped from the world. Fleur's husband, the father of her unborn child... gone._

She needed to find Severus; he had to be here. Whether or not she would find him alive, she did not know but she  _would_  find him. She left the others fighting off the remaining Death Eaters. Hermione felt a tug at her arm and she whipped around, pointing her wand in the face of Narcissa Malfoy.

"You're looking for Severus", she said, and she locked her eyes with Hermione in the defiant way that said, ' _you could kill me, but I know something you want to know'._

"Where is he?" Hermione snapped.

"Follow me", Narcissa said, hitching her dress up to her knees so that she could run. "He's in their chambers. I won't lie he's probably not in a very..."

Narcissa trailed off and stared at the floor. Hermione's eyes followed at saw the sight that had rocked her. Slick blood on the floor pooled and then stretched behind a closed door.  _Someone has been dragged_ , Hermione, thought. And she prayed to the Gods that he was dragged kicking and screaming and not... The thought was too difficult to complete.

"Severus?!" Hermione shrieked as she kicked down the door. "Are you in here?"

Her voice was frantic.

"HERE!" Narcissa said sharply, and pulled the blood-soaked sheet from atop the beaten, broken body of Severus Snape.

"No!" Hermione screamed, and her body seemed to lift off the ground and tore her from the earth. Her tether was broken. The world faded to black.

* * *

Hermione blinked as she adjusted to the harsh light in front of her eyes. She felt her body tremble, then rock back and forth as though it meant to cast her soul out from the inside. She heard a buzz of voices, and with a moment of panic, she realised she was alive. She remembered. She wasn't trembling she was being shaken. Ron's voice came in a whimper.

"Hermione? Please, wake up."

She blinked again, only this time she really opened her eyes and she sought the sound.

"Oh thank the Gods!"

The room erupted into sound behind her.

"STAY BACK, BELLA, IF YOU TOUCH HIM, I'LL KILL YOU!"

Hermione craned her head from her position. She was lying down, it seemed. Ron must have still been covered by the invisibility cloak because he was nowhere to be seen but Bellatrix stood, black as night, imposing and terrible above her. She had her wand pressed to Draco's head and her arm wrapped around his neck.

"Oh will you now, blood traitor!?" Bella said, in a voice so menacing that Hermione felt her stomach churn. "Crucio!"

Draco dropped the floor beside Hermione and began to writhe. He did not scream but the saliva curdled in his throat. She looked at the bed where she knew Severus lay and gazed at his hand that poked out from the sheet. She stared at it, begging it to move; just the twitch of a finger, something, anything, so she would know that not all was lost. It remained motionless and Hermione let out a gentle, all-consuming moan of sheer misery.

Hermione felt, rather than saw, Ron stand tall. She heard his voice come, shaking and unsure. She felt his legs log behind her, and plant firmly as he stood his ground.

"Avada Kedavra", he whispered.

She saw only a fizzle of green light from the darkness. Bellatrix struck Narcissa with Sectumsempra and then spun on her heel. Ron pulled off the invisibility cloak and dropped it onto Hermione. Bellatrix cackled with absolute sickening, delight.

"You have to mean it" she said, with a smile that did not suit her face. "You cannot just say the words. You have to look me in the eyes and mean it. You have to imagine my death- you have to  _crave_  it above all else. Didn't your little friend Potter teach you that?"

Ron stepped backwards, holding his wand aloft, pointing it at Bellatrix. His face was a cold white as she moved towards him. Hermione carefully shifted herself out of Bellatrix's path under the cover of the cloak. Bellatrix was so focused on Ron that she seemed to forget Hermione was there.

"I'll show you how it's done, if you'd like", Bellatrix said. "I'll give you one last lesson before you die."

Bellatrix raised her wand and Ron shielded his face with one hand.

"Levicorpus!" Ron yelled, but Bellatrix deflected easily with a swish of her wand.

"I don't think so, you little shit!" she spat.

"Relashio!" he said, and his voice fractured.

 _He's panicking_ , Hermione thought. She searched the floor for her wand, patting wildly all around her. Where were the others? Were they still in battle with Rodolphus? Surely they should have taken him down by now. Hermione felt her fingertips brush something smooth and solid. A pulse of magic energy shot through her hand. It was a wand- hopefully hers. She curled her shaking fingers around it and held it in front of her as Bellatrix moved down on Ron.

"Expelliarmus", Ron muttered. "Expelliarmus! Expelliarmus!"

Bellatrix deflected each one. She crammed towards him and her black figure crowded Hermione's view.

All she could see was Bellatrix. The woman who had tried to destroy Severus; the woman who had tried to steal from him something that was not hers to take. The woman who assaulted him, tortured him, sent him back to her every night bloody and bereft. This woman who had tortured Neville's parents to insanity, leaving a little boy without a mother or father. This woman who had killed Sirius- the closest thing Harry had to a father.

This woman who had found her at the last battle, curled up, cowering, covered in her own blood. This woman who had crucioed her, toying with her before she killed her. This woman who had burnt the word 'Mudblood' into the inside of her mouth to remind her that her screams of anguish meant nothing. She was less than shit on her boot. It was her secret shame, carved into the inside of her cheek.

* * *

_"Do you taste that?" Bellatrix asked with a sneer. "I can smell it. That's your filthy, dirty blood."_

_"Come now, Bella, let us not play with the children. Kill her and move on."_

_"Oh. Let me have my fun, Lucius."_

It was Bellatrix having her fun that had kept Hermione alive, as Minerva McGonagall approached in the nick of time.

* * *

Hermione snapped back to the present as Bellatrix moved towards Ron. He searched for her, but under the cloak she was hidden. She stood up and moved until she was right where she needed to be. Right behind Bellatrix. She lifted her wand, stuck it right by Bellatrix's throat. Bellatrix moved closer still to Ron and Hermione followed- never breaking her gaze. Bellatrix made herself wide and proud. She deflected Ron's spells until he'd all but given up. Hermione considered her options, as she always did in times of trouble. She came up short.

She heard the rush of footsteps on the stairs.  _Thank God._  But they didn't come quick enough. Hermione noted the crushing feeling in her chest, like a boa constrictor wrapped around her heart at the sound of Bellatrix's laughter.  _She thinks she has defeated us,_ she thought.

_Has she?_

Bellatrix opened her mouth and Hermione felt a surge of panic in her chest as Bellatrix began to curse.

"AV-"

"Avada Kedavra!" Hermione spat, and Bellatrix dropped to the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know about you but I needed that, haha!


	24. The Second Battle of Hogwarts

**24\. THE SECOND BATTLE OF HOGWARTS**

"Hermione?"

Hermione stared into the ether; deathly pale and unresponsive. She had _killed someone_. Bellatrix was dead because of her. She had cast an unforgivable curse when only this morning she could hardly have even uttered a charm. She closed her eyes and began to allow the weight of what she had done consume her. However, it never came. All she could think was  _good riddance._ Perhaps that was the toll that the killing curse had upon the soul - that your sunshine dulled, and you became cold to what you had done.

The voice came again.  
"Hermione?!"

Her eyes shot towards Severus who began to pull himself up on the bed. She stared at him, and he looked at her with such sadness; such pity.

She had gone mad, she assumed. That was the only explanation. Her soul had indeed shattered and now she was haunted.

Ron moved towards her; she could see him in her periphery but she did not turn to face him. He took her wand from her hand and dropped it on the bed. He moved in front of her, and locked his eyes on hers. Still, she looked through him.

"Hey", Ron said, gently, "you're okay."

She almost believed him.

Tonks moved into her line of sight next and Hermione still gazed with her eyes glazed over and wondered if she would ever be okay again. She supposed that being haunted by Severus was better than living without him. She searched her soul for the broken pieces that she knew should come from uttering the killing curse, but she could not find them. If her soul had torn in two, she did not feel it.

_So why had her sanity deserted her?_

She had been sure, hadn't she, that Bellatrix needed to die. It was Ron or Bella. Good or evil. And she  _was_ evil. As much as Hermione tried to see the world in shades of grey, Bellatrix was as dark as they come. She made her peace with her decision. She was at rest. So that meant, her soul was intact? Which in turn meant that...

"Severus?" she asked, and his eyes brightened.

She moved towards him tentatively.  
"You're...? But we thought you were...?"

"Petrified, Hermione", Snape said. "She cast a body bind curse; a particularly nasty one of her own invention."

Hermione pressed her hand to his cheek and she touched his skin. She ran her fingertips across the line of his jaw and his stubble prickled beneath her. He was real and he was alive and it didn't make sense and she didn't care. She threw herself on him, curling her body into his and wrapping her fingers into his clothes. Her body shook and he drew her close to him.

"I've got you... You're okay."

Hermione tangled her hands into his coat and under his shirt so that she could place her fingers on his skin. It kept her grounded. He was warm. He was real. He was alive.

"I don't understand", she said into his chest. "The blood?"

"Sectumsempra", he replied, softly, "it is her favourite after all. I was able to heal myself before she and Rodolphus came for me. They wanted to eliminate their biggest threat, I suppose."

"But they didn't kill you?"

"No."

"What happened?"

"Bellatrix tracked Moody to Malfoy Manor. I was, of course, there. Against orders. I don't know if they particularly believed the lie I told to explain my presence and I believe they planned to leave me to The Dark Lord. It was for him to decide my punishment, not them. Even though they are brutal and cruel, they still live by a code and they are loyal to their master."

"They're dead", Hermione said.

"I can't say I'm upset by the news."

" _I_  killed Bellatrix."

"Are you okay with that?"

She considered his question, her heart beating in her ears, but yes, she thought. Yes, I am okay with what I have done. And so she nodded as he drew calming circles like love letters on her skin.

"Good", he said, "I am glad it was you. There is a karmic justice in it."

Remus touched Hermione gently on her shoulder.  
"I'm sorry to interrupt you, but Narcissa needs one of you to help her."

Hermione kissed Severus on the cheek, and moved off the bed. She knelt in towards Narcissa, with her wand outstretched in her trembling hand and she moved it in soothing figures across her wounds. She began to chant the counter-curse that she had heard Severus use all those months ago.

"Vulnera Sanentur, Vulnera Sanentur."

The wounds closed, and Hermione felt a rush of blood to her head. She was using her magic to heal somebody, and she had just used her magic to destroy someone else. This was exactly her problem with magic. It could restore life and just as easily snatch it away. But it was up to her to choose how to use it. She had to focus on the healing and overlook the destruction. What was the alternative? A lifetime in fear, not just of something you have, but what you are?

She looked at Severus, who pulled himself off the bed, and saw that he was pleased with her. That was enough.

Ron sat beside his brother's body and stroked his hair.

"We need to go", Remus said, softly. "Is everyone ready? We will bring Bill back with us. We'll levitate him..."

"No!" Ron snapped, "I want to carry him."

Ron leant down to Bill and pulled desperately at his dead weight. Hermione assumed that he wanted to do it the muggle way, to be close to him, for what would probably be the last time. This was something he could do for his brother, after what his brother had so selflessly done for him. Severus broke away from Hermione and crouched down beside Ron. He helped him pull Bill up, and rested Bill's arm around Ron's shoulders. He took the other arm around his neck and together they shared the weight.

Neville put his arm around Hermione and she leant into him, allowing his embrace to be of small comfort.

"Let's go", Hermione said, "we should all apparate..."

"Where to?" Neville asked.

"The Come and Go Room", Remus said with a note of sorrow in his voice.

Hermione looked at him and gave him a small and rueful smile.

Remus continued, "Albus should have lifted the block by now, assuming that..."

His voice trailed off and he was the perfect picture of a broken man.

"He'll be okay", Hermione said, "he's  _The Boy Who Lived_."

* * *

Hermione ran through the castle, dodging hexes, jinxes and curses as she made her way to the hospital wing. This was where she was supposed to be all along. It frightened her to leave Severus since he seemed so intent on leaving her alone on this mortal coil, but she needed to go where she could be of most use. She threw open the doors to the infirmary and was greeted almost immediately by three pairs of arms.

"Thank God you're okay", Susan said, slapping Hermione gently on the back, and with that, she returned to a patient's bedside.

"Glad you're here, Granger", Katie said with a small smile that she didn't mean. "We're struggling a little here... we've lost some already."

Lavender remained in Hermione's embrace, clinging to her as if she was afraid to let go and face the reality of the world. Hermione understood. Lavender shook in her arms, as she wracked with sobs and Hermione stroked her hair by way of comfort. It wasn't much, but it was all Hermione had to give.

"Come on, Lavender", she said, gently, but Lavender would not let go.

Susan caught her eye and mouthed 'Dean'. She jutted her chin and gestured towards the end bed. Dean lay bandaged, but alive.

"You're okay", Hermione said, "he's okay."

Lavender pulled away.

"Nothing is okay, Hermione! Seamus is dead. Aberforth and Dean are only just about holding on. I told you", she said frantically, "I told you it wasn't safe! They weren't protected. They were alone down there, without orders."

"I know. Oh God. I'm so sorry, Lavender."

Then she remembered why Dean, Seamus and Aberforth were down in The Hogs Head in the first place.

"The children... did they get out safely?"  
"Yes", Lavender said with a sorrowful smile. "They got them all out."

Hermione sagged with relief, but the news of Seamus' death still hit her in the stomach like a sucker punch.

A scream came from Pomfrey, as two snatchers stormed the hospital wing. Lavender did not have her wand, but Hermione did. She pulled it from her hair and held it out ready to duel. Lavender did not see her and she moved towards the snatchers with her hands in the air in surrender.

"We're unarmed! We are just nurses" Lavender said, moving towards them, her palms to the sky. "We are tending to our wounded, please allow us to do so in peace and leave us be."

The snatchers looked at each other and then back at Hermione. She lowered her wand, but she did not drop it. She curled her hand around it tighter still. The snatchers moved out of the room and cast a spell on the door that Hermione couldn't see.

Madam Pomfrey bustled towards Lavender and Hermione.

"You stupid girl! They could have killed you", she said to Lavender, "... but thank you."

Lavender looked back at Dean.  
"How's he doing?"

"He will live, Miss Brown", Madam Pomfrey said and she patted Lavender on the shoulder in an uncharacteristic show of affection.

"There are more injured upstairs", Hermione interrupted. "I passed many wounded on the way here. I think we're needed up there."

"Yes. You should go to them", Pomfrey agreed, "take Miss Brown and go."

Lavender pulled her wand out of her white stocking and held it tightly as she and Hermione moved through the hallways and corridors. Lavender held Hermione's hand tightly, taking Hermione's suggestion that they 'stick together' quite literally. Hermione didn't mind - it was of great comfort to feel the warmth on her skin as a reminder that they were both still alive.

"Down here", Hermione said, as she spotted the form of a young woman crumpled on the floor covered in black robes.

Lavender turned the body over gently and sighed. The girl was dead, and she couldn't be much older than 16. Her Ravenclaw tie slung to one side.

"We should mark the dead", Lavender said with such calm that Hermione stared at her incredulously.

She marvelled at the way Lavender got to work, creating an intricate marker that circled in the air above the girl's body. It was like the dark mark in a way. It hung in the air as an omen of death, except that Lavender's pale pink cloudy carnation was a gentle warning, rather than a threat. It was beautiful magic.

As she and Lavender moved around the castle, casting shield charms in unison to keep each other safe, they tended to the wounded, and gently covered the dead. Hermione felt her heart sank as she approached the still form of Hannah Longbottom. She searched the room for Neville. Was it kinder to tell him now, or to let him continue in battle oblivious to his impending heartache? Hermione didn't know.

Lavender took Hermione's hand and softly clasped hers around it. With a graceful flick of her wand, the little pink flower blossomed from the tip and hung above Hannah's body. She stroked her hair, tucking it behind her ears, pressed her fingers to Hannah's eyes and closed them. Hermione summoned another white sheet and covered the body. Lavender pulled Hermione to her feet and urged her to move just in time, as Kingsley Shacklebolt tore past them in a death-lock with Yaxley. Hermione pushed Lavender down and screamed 'PROTEGO!' as Kingsley dodged a curse and it hurtled towards them.

Lavender and Hermione ran through the great hall, searching for the injured. Luna Lovegood sat propped up against the stone wall next to her Father- Xenophilius did not move. Hermione took in the look on Luna's face and felt her heart shatter once more. Luna was dizzy, but with grief or from spell damage Hermione didn't know. Lavender knelt down and began to perform diagnostic spells. Hermione was useless right now. They needed more healing hands in the fray. The hospital wing was already bursting to capacity and the violence did not stop. The injured were no longer being sent down to the infirmary- they were being abandoned. Hermione concentrated on the memory of being nestled in Severus' arms and shot out a Patronus. The lioness snarled as it circled around Hermione.

"Setting up triage in the Great Hall. We need all hands on deck" Hermione said and the lion nodded its head and galloped out of sight.

Lavender and Luna moved towards Hermione. When she looked back as Xenophilius, she saw that he was covered with a white sheet and her pink carnation hovered above him. Luna did not speak, and all of the glitter and light that usually radiated from her was no more. Hermione gave her a look of deepest compassion and then with a jerk of a head, Hermione urged them to keep moving.

Luna threw herself at the feet of a stirring Hufflepuff girl, as Hermione tended to a wizard in blood-stained grey robes that she did not recognise. Hermione pointed to a large empty space at the front of the hall where she had stood years ago and awaited her sorting.

"Put her there", Hermione said, and she and Luna levitated their wounded.

Hermione heard the commotion before she saw it. Lee, George and Angelina rounded on the Carrows. Alecto blasted Angelina and she quickly deflected it.

"Expelliarmus!" Lee shouted, snipping his wand at the woman. "Confringo!"

Amycus roared with anger as his sister's deflection missed and she hurtled across the room. He seethed and turned to Lee with a flash of boiling crimson.

"Avada Kedavra!" he yelled, at the same time, George and Angelina shouted "Expulso!" in unison.

Angelina turned on her heel and made towards Alecto, but Hermione's heart sank when she saw George. His knees gave out and he sank to the floor next to his best friend. Lavender ran to him, they too had been close once after all. Lee Jordan was motionless.

Albus Dumbledore tore through the castle next. He had two masked Death Eaters on his tail and four Snatchers. Six on one, Hermione thought, and still he seemed to run rings around them. Percy Weasley and Lucius Malfoy moved swiftly behind him, each locked in combat with a Death Eater. Hermione recognised the man who locked wands with Lucius, as Rookwood. There was little more disturbing than seeing Lucius Malfoy fight his old friend.

Next Arthur Weasley came into view, brandishing his wand like a gun at two snatchers. He ducked and flashed a white light at them, staggering them long enough for Molly to appear behind and make short work of one of them. The taller of the Snatchers dropped with a thud to the floor and Molly smiled, pleased with herself, before she magically bound him, then moved again towards the shorter, quicker Snatcher.

Hermione saw the black billow of cloth and felt her heart race as Severus Snape moved into the Great Hall in battle with Avery.

It was then that Hermione realised that there were all moving  _in_  to the hall. They were all moving towards their injured. Nobody would make it out alive at this rate if help didn't come soon. Hermione's heart swelled as Katie and Susan tore into the room in a flash of red wandlight. They jumped over a soaring curse from Yaxley's wand like a skipping rope and moved towards Hermione. She pointed to where the wounded lay and Katie rushed to their aid. Susan's eyes flew wide, and she whipped her wand.

"INCARCEROUS!" she yelled and Hermione turned in time to see the great, terrible werewolf, Greyback, tear through the ropes Susan had tried to bind him with.

"Worth a shot", she said, with a shrug before changing tack. "Deprimo!"

The floor beneath Greyback's feet gave way and he hurtled down into the dungeons.

Hermione nodded at her friend to show that she was impressed, and pointed at two young women who were curled up in the corner comforting each other. The blonde girl's hair was sticky with blood even from this distance. Susan turned, spent less than a second taking in the scene, and sped across the room without a second thought for her own safety. Hermione turned to see that Arthur had fallen and Molly was duelling the snatcher alone. She moved into place and nodded at Molly as she lifted her wand.

"Stupefy!" Hermione cried as Molly let out a caterwaul of "Expulso!"

The snatcher sprang stiff as a board and then fell to the ground in an explosion. Hermione covered her ears and Molly ran to Arthur.

"They'll tend to him over there!" Hermione shouted as her ears rang.

A blast like a canon roared through the air and its damage ripped through the wall of the great hall. Silt and stone and debris hit the ground, narrowly missing a small Gryffindor. He was far too young to be in the middle of the battle. Hermione pointed her wand and levitated him out of the way and pulled him towards her.

"Go!" she yelled.

It was all she could do. Through the dust, Hermione could make out the figures of Ron, Neville, Remus and Tonks, who circled a pack of werewolves in the courtyard outside. Her heart quickened as she watched green and white and red sparks fly from their wands, and the wolves swarmed, bonded by their greed. Hermione was only grateful that it wasn't a full moon. Even the four of them would be no match for seven transformed wolves. As it was, they made short work of them, and turned to fight others. The dark forces kept coming.

A masked Death Eater moved up behind Severus, whose eyes were fixed on Avery. He hadn't seen him. Hermione charged across the room, leaping, literally over a table. She brandished her wand, and without a second thought, she screamed "DEPULSO, STUPEFY, EXPELLIARMUS!" and the Death Eater crumpled, hitting his chin with a final crack on the stone floor. The sound seemed to distract Avery for just a second, but it was long enough for Severus to seize the opportunity. He did not even blink. He pointed his wand and lurched forward, jabbing it like a knife into Avery's chest. He did not say a word, but Hermione saw the familiar flicker of green light that took Avery's very essence from him and stripped him of life. Avery dropped to the floor, and Severus kicked him aside to move towards Dumbledore.

Albus and Severus' combined abilities, made quick work of the snatchers, and they stood side by side at the front of the hall. The figures they cut were imposing and terrifying. It occurred to Hermione then, that they stood where on any other day they would meet for dinner. That normality was a distant memory. This was the new normal; death and injury and tragedy.

Snape and Dumbledore surveyed the hall, firing spells and shields around the room. McGonagall appeared behind them with Poppy Pomfrey in tow. Poppy ran to help the invalids, and McGonagall moved towards Molly. She put her arm around her, but lifted her wand as a threat to anyone who dared approach. Arthur Weasley stirred and began, cautiously, to move to his knees. Hermione breathed a sigh of relief. At least one Weasley had survived this day. He pulled himself upwards to full height and he moved to stand beside his wife.

Hermione's heart stopped as a deafening, screeching, breathy howl moved around the room in a terrible and triumphant surge. It was in their ears and in the air; it was everywhere but came from nowhere. Everyone stopped dead. Some winced; others held their hands to their ears. Some screamed. Blood-curdling, heart-wrenching screams.

Arthur recoiled, but still, he remained strong. Molly rocked on her heels, steadied by McGonagall who shrunk into herself at the sound. Only Severus and Dumbledore seemed unshaped by the voice. Severus did not even blink. He stood firm at the front of the hall and guarded the wounded beneath his feet. Dumbledore's eyes narrowed but he did not react to the sound, and he stood in a duelling stance ready for whatever came next. Then the howl became a voice, and Hermione's heart stopped. It was as though two voices spoke, one a low growl and the other a sharp hiss. It was the voices, she assumed, of Lord Voldemort, and Tom Riddle, burnt and twisted into one man.

"Harry Potter is dead", it said with a sickening pleasure. "The battle is won."

"Nooo!" came the strangled screams of Molly Weasley.

Hermione felt a tug on her heartstrings so sharp that they snapped. She went to move towards her, desperate to go to her, tell her that everything would be okay, but something stirred inside her that locked her feet in place.

_Would everything be okay?_

"I command my forces to retreat", the voice came. "Tend to your wounded. Burn your dead. Surrender!... or my forces and I  _will_  return and we will not hesitate to destroy every man, woman and child who opposes us. You have one hour."


	25. Whimper

**25\. WHIMPER**

Death Eaters, Snatchers, Werewolves and dark wizards moved one by one from the Great Hall. It was all Hermione could do not to strike them while their backs were turned- but it was not the way. All is fair in love and war, they say. Except that Hermione had learned from experience that nothing was fair in either. This war had devastated so many lives and Hermione only began to truly understand just how many when the hall began to fill with people searching for their loved ones. Others came in levitating bodies or injured persons. Kingsley Shacklebolt re-entered the room, with a tall, thin blonde woman in his arms, and a shorter, thin blonde man, who was her but in miniature, levitated at his side. Narcissa and Draco. Hermione felt her gut drop to the floor as she ran to them.

"Greyback got him", Kingsley said to Dumbledore, and Hermione's heart quickened.

She could help; she could fix this.

With a frantic flick of her wand, she silently summoned her bag and pulled out her Werewolf Antivenom. She parted Draco's lips and drained the whole bottle into his mouth. All she could do was wait and see. Severus approached and took Draco to where the other injured lay. There were dozens of stirring bodies, and it seemed, just as many who did not move. Severus carefully placed Draco to the floor and sat beside him. They had always had a special relationship - he was the son of his friends, he'd known him since he was a baby - he'd cared for him; risked his life for him. And now all he could do was sit at his bedside and pray to the Gods that he made it through. Hermione turned to Kingsley and took in the still, beautiful form of Narcissa Malfoy. Hermione looked up into his dark, devastating eyes. He shook his head, gave a wry smile and moved to place her with the rest of the dead.

Lavender moved silently between bodies and marked them with her pink carnations. She no longer needed to do it; now that the dead had been separated from the living, but it was such pretty magic, and so tender a thing, that it became a tribute that lingered above the bodies, as though putting them to rest.

Hermione felt her knees give way as her eyes fell upon the body that Lavender tended to. Horace Slughorn lay with his hands across his chest. Hermione allowed herself to imagine that wherever he was now, he was sulking. He had so wanted to retire - he'd been ready for years - and now he never would. Slughorn would have found it funny, she decided, and so she allowed herself to laugh through her grief.

"We need you over here, Lavender!" Katie called from where she stood stooped over a couple of injured house elves.

Lavender stared at Katie, and then back at the bodies, as though torn between wanting to help keep the living alive, and wanting to help put the dead to rest.

"Teach me how", Hermione said gently, placing her hand on Lavender's shoulder. "I'll carry on here."

Hermione stood with her arms folded and stared at the bodies in front of her. She had counted each one. There were forty-one casualties of the war so far. Many were wounded, including the prisoners of war they had taken and thrown in the dungeons. Five of the dead were Death Eaters. Twelve were Snatchers. Three were children.  _Children,_  Hermione thought. Among their own dead, were professors and other figures she knew, and some she had loved. Hermione counted Professor Trelawney, Irma Pince and Argus Filch as numbers thirty-five, thirty-six and thirty-seven. Casualties number thirty-eight and thirty-nine were house elves- one that Hermione did not know, and the other, was the small and broken body of Winky. She looked as though she was sleeping.

Anger ravaged Hermione - how could the world be so needlessly cruel to such a creature?

Hermione glanced upwards, as she saw two shadows stalk across the room - George and Angelina, hand in hand, walking away from the battle. He had lost so much. Three brothers, one of which was his twin - his other half - and now his best friend had been pulled from the world too. He looked back and his eyes met Hermione's. George gave her a solemn nod and she understood. He was leaving. He was taking his wife to safety. She smiled at him, in a way that she hoped would convey that she knew what he planned to do and that he should feel no shame. George Weasley was a Gryffindor through and through, and sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is admit when you are in over your head.

_Sometimes there is courage in walking away._

Severus approached her from behind and put his arms around her waist. His hands clawed at her, as he desperately tried to pull her into him. It was as though he could not get close enough to her. There was too much muscle and skin; too many layers and atoms between them. Hermione allowed herself to cry for the first time and she felt her body slump from the weight on her shoulders. She turned to look at Lavender, who stood small and humble in Dean Thomas' arms.

Susan beckoned Hermione over and Severus begrudgingly let her go. They were low on potions. Hermione summoned the remaining vials from her store. Her attention was drawn back to Severus. Her eyes and her heart always sought him, like a heat-seeking missile. He moved back to Malfoy. Hermione saw a distraught Tonks nestled into her husband's shoulder.

"I need to see Teddy", she said, and Remus nodded.

She watched them leave the Great Hall, and wondered what it would be like to fight for your life, knowing that you could orphan your child with one wrong move.

Dumbledore called Hermione, Severus, Kingsley and McGonagall to his side. It was odd to be in this most trusted circle. In any other circumstance, it would have thrilled her to be seen as an equal to these most powerful witches and wizards, but there was not a whisper of excitement anywhere to be found.

"Harry is with Hagrid", Dumbledore said. "He is alive, but as we all heard, Voldemort does not know it."

"Are you certain?" Kingsley asked.

"Quite certain, yes... however", he said, and his eyes darkened, "we must hope that it remains the case. If all goes to plan, Hagrid will bring him to us soon."

"What's the plan?" McGonagall asked.

"I have communicated with Voldemort, and plan on an exchange. Harry Potter's body, for my surrender."

McGonagall gasped.  
"You can't be serious, Albus?"

"I am quite serious, Minerva."

Severus rolled his eyes.  
"And what then, Dumbledore? You allow him to kill you? Or perhaps you would like to join him on his side? It's not pleasant but it has its benefits."

"Not quite."

"Then what do you intend to do?" McGonagall asked.

"I intend to get Harry into this castle where you can all keep an eye on him. I intend to challenge Voldemort to a duel. I intend to keep him as far away from you all as I can  _and_  I intend for one of you to kill that blasted snake so that when I kill Riddle...  _and I will_... this time, he stays dead."

"I thought that Potter had to kill him?" Severus asked. "... The prophecy?"

"Harry has done enough, don't you think?"

* * *

Hagrid carried the weary body of Harry Potter in his arms. His giant form slumped as he walked as though he had lived a thousand lives. Hagrid moved so that Harry's feet could touch the floor and with a roar of excited noise, he was surrounded by people. Hermione went to Hagrid and wrapped her arms around him as far as they would reach. Hagrid stroked her hair in gratitude and then pulled away.

The hour was almost over. The dark forces would come again, and this time they would not stop. They would all fight to the death.

Remus and Tonks apparated back with a crack, and Hermione met Tonks' eyes. They smiled at each other - there were a thousand words unsaid. Dumbledore exited the Great Hall.  _It was time._

Severus took his position in front of the wounded; his legs apart, he stood with his wand aloft, ready to duel. Arthur stood beside him and mirrored his position. Then followed Remus and Tonks, then Molly and Shacklebolt- they all stood, poised and ready, between the injured parties and those who meant to do them harm. Hermione took her position next to Severus. Ron slipped in to her right and Harry moved in beside him. Then in poured the remaining Order members, and Hogwarts staff who remained. They each stood, filling the width of the hall, and prepared for the impending doom.

They all murmured to one another. Words of comfort and love; wishes of luck and victory. Talk of hope and faith. Arms curled around one another; fingers locked. They readied themselves for the battle. They spoke louder, braver, more defiant. They would not be silenced by fear. Their voices blended in perfect unison; their words became a choir's chorus and their sorrowful symphony filled the room. It was their love song to one another and their sonnet to Hogwarts.

Pomfrey, Katie, Lavender, Susan and some of the other hospital staff worked tirelessly behind them. All those lives were held in their hands. Hermione looked back, and saw that the Patil twins were both among the injured. Padma lay quite still, and Parvati rested slumped up against the castle wall. Lavender held Parvati's hand and soothed her. Hermione caught Lavender's eye and mouthed "love you". She had never said it before, but she did. It felt like the right time, it could be the last time after all. For just a moment, with Severus at her side, in the company of Harry and Ron, everything felt okay. The world was right again. And just as she thought this, the world crashed down in a thunderous roar.

The doors to the Great Hall tore open and in they charged- their faces red with disgust. There were about sixty of them, she would guess, which meant that their numbers had greatly dwindled. Some were dead, others bound and restrained, but perhaps some had deserted. They were outnumbered for sure, but they could win this. McGonagall threw up a shield so powerful that it protected everyone inside it. Hermione had never really understood how incredibly impressive this witch was. McGonagall manipulated the shield so that those behind it could shoot spells hurtling towards their enemies, but their enemies could not harm them in return. Molly and Tonks threw up similar shields.

"Stupefy!" Ron shouted.

"Expelliarmus! yelled Harry.

"Confringo!" came from Neville.

Non-verbal, indistinct flashes fired from Severus, Arthur, Aberforth and Kingsley. Shots of green and red and brilliant white and blinding gold hurtled through the air and landed on unsuspecting Death Eaters and snatchers alike. This is what they should have done in the first place. Teamwork. They should always have fought together, head to head rather than face to face. McGonagall's shield broke.

"Again, ladies", she shrieked, "Protego!"

Hermione understood.

She, Cho and Luna joined in this time with their own desperate calls of 'Protego!".

Their shields fused with Minerva's. One by one the curses flew off the shield wall. The green flash of Avada Kedavra was the only force that could break through it. A shot pulsed through and narrowly missed Cho who jumped to the side and the curse shot behind her. Cho's head turned slowly, but her body remained rigid. She looked down, Hermione's gaze followed. Poppy Pomfrey lay dead on the ground.

Cho's eyes were vast and frightening.

"No!" Hermione screamed, as Cho broke from behind the shield of Protego and lurched towards the Death Eaters. She raised her wand and fired hexes and jinxes - everything she had learned in the DA. Hermione stepped forward, but Severus' arm shot in front of her, holding her back. Cho was a good witch, but she was scorned. Hermione and Ron both screamed "Expelliarmus" but nothing could stop what happened next.

A wild scream of "Avada Kedavra!" came from among the Death Eaters and Cho Chang's body fell to the floor.

Severus stiffened beside her and she felt his magic surge into a vitriolic force of maniacal destruction. He shot a spell, without a word, and the ceiling began to crumble above them. The rubble and wreckage spilled from above and bolted down onto the ground below. Hermione saw one, two, five of them fall victim to its crushing weight. Those who remained were riled by their near deaths, but they did not flee; they only moved further towards them. Hermione snatched her wand between the rubble and the wounded behind her. She moved bricks quick as a flash. Arthur, Percy and Ron joined too, coursing the stone to build a wall that protected the injured and dying- and those that had sworn to save them. She should have done it sooner, she thought. Poppy would still be with them, if she had just thought faster.

With an explosive crash, Albus Dumbledore tore through the doors on the heels of Lord Voldemort. Dumbledore wasn't supposed to be here but she could see now that The Dark Lord moved in such a way that he pushed Dumbledore, manipulated his movements so that he reached his people, and in turn, reached theirs. Dumbledore was in control though, and Voldemort was no match for him- it was as though Albus' wand was more powerful than Voldemort's.

If only he could die, Albus would have him. But the snake was nowhere to be seen. Every time Voldemort jabbed at him with a curse, Dumbledore deflected it with ease. Voldemort was impatient - he needed to get to Harry. What was another tear to his soul? He raised his wand high, whipped the green light in a tight circle and hurled it right at Dumbledore.

With a flick of his wand, Dumbledore deflected the killing curse.  _He deflected it_ , Hermione thought,  _that must mean that Dumbledore's wand..._  Voldemort too had the same idea and he finished the thought for her.

"The Elder Wand?" he crowed.

The Dark Lord's forces retreated, as did The Order. They all watched in stunned silence as two of the world's most powerful wizards duelled. It was truly a spectacle to behold. If the situation weren't so dire it would have been entertaining. Voldemort shrieked and shot out a blast of cold white fire that echoed around the remaining walls and shattered the windows. Glass rained down and Albus curled his wand, moving the pieces of broken glass so that they moved together into a cannonball and he heaved it towards Voldemort. Voldemort shot a quick shield charm. The glass ball fired into his charm, repelled backwards and burst into long and jagged shards like daggers. He aimed them at Dumbledore who simply flicked his wrist with hardly a second thought and the shards turned to little paper birds that floated gracefully to the ground.

Voldemort shot out another killing curse, followed by another, but the Elder wand continued to deflect them. Hermione's eyes focused on Dumbledore and Voldemort, but in her periphery, she saw Severus move out of her line of sight. She sensed him moving behind her, and she heard the unmistakable sound of metal on metal. She snapped back to look at him, and saw that he brandished the sword of Gryffindor. Hermione followed his gaze. Nagini curled and twitched in the wing of the castle. He approached the snake slowly, so not to bring unwanted attention to himself. He needed a distraction. Hermione nudged Harry in his shoulder and with an almost imperceivable jerk of the head, she drew his gaze to where Severus prowled the hall. Harry nodded, and threw himself forward, wand outstretched. He pulled himself as tall as he could and aimed his wand.

'Expelliarmus!"

Voldemort did not flinch, but the Death Eaters turned to Harry and held their wands out. An indistinct array of muttering came from the other side of the hall

Hermione heard 'he's alive?' and 'he lives? again?' and 'how is this possible'? among the mass of voices.

Again, Harry aimed his wand at Voldemort.

"Expelliarmus!"

The dark forces rallied together and returned to their assault on The Order, and to her horror, Hermione saw that Fenrir Greyback, too, had returned to the fray. He pushed through the crowd of charging Death Eaters and slunk across the room. He uttered something that Hermione couldn't hear and the wall that they had built to keep the healers and their injured safe, crashed to the ground.

Hexes and jinxes flew past Hermione as she ran towards her friends. Lavender did not turn around to look, she reacted to the crumbling rock and the sound of fearful screams by throwing herself onto Parvati and Padma and acted as a protective shield with only her body. Greyback pushed forward, and Remus Lupin caught his eye.

 _Did they remember each other from all those years ago?_  Remus certainly remembered.

He and Tonks began to fire at Greyback. He roared with delight as he shot back and Remus hurled curse after curse until Greyback hit the floor with finality. Remus took his time binding him with magical rope, and throwing him down into the dungeons through the whole in the floor. It was not pretty, but it was  _just_.

Hermione's eyes drifted back up to Severus, as she deflected a curse. He had approached the snake but had not seen that Thorfinn Rowle came up behind him. Hermione broke into a run and fired a knockback jinx, deciding at the last minute to throw it at Severus, knocking him out of harm's way. She then straightened her wand and threw a bolt at the walls with a yell of 'bombarda!' When that didn't work, she repeated it, and used all of her energy to imagine the walls coming down.

Severus lay crumpled below the window pane, among the broken glass and Hermione moved swiftly towards him. She fired more curses and jinxes at Rowle, drawing his attention towards her. She was then joined by Ron. The challenge of a two on one fight was just too much for Rowle to ignore, and he walked away from Severus.

The great snake Nagini moved towards Snape with such vigor, that Hermione wondered if that had been her orders.  _Kill Severus._

The snake rose up and opened her mouth, bore her teeth and lurched to attack Snape. Severus snatched the Sword of Gryffindor from the floor, held it in one hand, using the other to shield his face, and he swung, eyes closed and terrified. Nagini's head severed from her body and she coiled to the floor with a thud.

Hermione and Ron knocked Rowle with two final, joined "Flippendo!"s and as he shot backwards and slammed into the brick, his head snapped back, cracked on the stone and he dropped to the floor and at last, he was still. Next second, the giant body of Hagrid fell to his side and Hermione heard herself scream before she was truly cognisant. Severus and Ron dropped to Hagrid's side and Katie Bell followed shortly after. Hermione stared helplessly as they worked on Hagrid. She hadn't even known he was nearby.

"He'll be fine, Hermione, come on!" Severus roared, then turned to Dumbledore. "Finish him!"

Dumbledore whipped his wand around, and flames poured from out its tip and Snape moved quick as a cat across the rubble, his wand aloft in one hand and the Sword of Gryffindor in the other.

_She was sure that he'd have felt much more at home with a Sword of Slytherin, but no such luck. Today he would be an honorary Gryffindor. Hermione allowed herself to smile at the thought of how much it would aggrieve him._

Hermione snapped back to the present, as a hurling mass of red light surged towards Severus, who dropped the sword and sent a soaring white shield charm pulsing forwards. Hermione whipped her head to see that Albus was curling his flames around Voldemort, and she thought of Bella. Hers had not been so impressive, but still, she dwelled. She had killed Bellatrix and her soul had remained whole - could she kill Voldemort and still hold the ethical high ground?

She  _could,_ she decided. And she would if she needed to.

It was as though Harry had had the same thought. He prowled towards Voldemort, whose body writhed like a snake and Harry raised his wand. The flicker of hatred in his eyes told Hermione that he would do it.  _The killing curse._  He would not think twice.

But then the black and boiling hatred simmered and his gentle soul won out and he uttered the spell that he always relied upon in times like these - a guttural, primal 'expelliarmus!'. The spell missed Voldemort and crashed towards Dumbledore who had not anticipated friendly fire. The Elder wand flew from Dumbledore's hand and crashed at Harry's feet. Dumbledore was wandless.

Harry blinked and stared at it. He moved to pick it up and Voldemort surged towards him, away from Dumbledore, who stood defenseless, in pursuit of his most powerful wand. He always did put stock in powerful objects rather than powerful people. Harry threw his own wand over Voldemort's head and Dumbledore caught it. Harry brandished the Elder Wand as its true master. Voldemort moved down on him and a whip of Harry's wand in Dumbledore's hand sent a gust of blackest wind and knocked Riddle to the floor. He was Riddle now, Hermione noticed. He was no longer The Dark Lord, no longer Lord Voldemort. He was just a man as he stared up at the boy who had defeated him all those years ago as only a baby.

Shouts of frantic, angry panic came from Voldemort's forces. They saw their leader at the mercy of  _The Boy Who Lived_. The Boy, it seemed, Who Could Not Die. Walden Macnair, executioner for the ministry seemed to sense where the night was heading. He dropped his wand, and held his hands in the air in a sign of defeat. Others followed suit. Until only Travers, Dolohov, Selwyn and three masked Death Eaters, Hermione could not identify, moved in towards The Order.

 _Six of them, versus their entire force?_  They were not planning on going to prison. They knew they couldn't win, but that wasn't their aim anymore. They were going to die, and take as many Mudbloods and blood traitors with them as possible.

Luna and Neville moved in on Travers. McGonagall and Kingsley fired at a masked Death Eater each. Tonks stood tall, Remus proudly at her side, and they shot defensive spells to keep their people safe. Arthur, Molly and Ron took care of the unknown Death Eater, who when his masked dropped, revealed himself to be Mulciber. Professor Flitwick, Hestia Jones and Aberforth took on Selwyn and Hermione joined Severus as he moved in on Dolohov. Their joined forces were too strong for the Death Eaters. One of the masked wizards dropped their wand and fell to McGonagall's knees.

"Mercy!"

McGonagall unmasked him - it was a flame-red-haired man Hermione did not recognise - he must have been a new recruit. Minerva bound him and moved swiftly towards Kingsley and together they finished off the last masked Death Eater who was revealed to be Alecto Carrow. It seemed she had not died the first time around, and had returned. They never did back down. It seemed so un-Slytherin of them. Hermione couldn't understand it. How did loyalty to such a man trump their base nature for self-preservation? That was the most basic Slytherin, and human, trait after all. Perhaps she could ask Severus. He knew better than anyone the lure of Voldemort's power.

Riddle hissed like a caged, feral cat as he attempted to buck to his freedom. Dumbledore pressed the wand tip to Riddle's throat and Harry used the distraction to whip another 'Expelliarmus' at Riddle and at once, he was disarmed. Harry held the wand to Riddle's face, staring him straight in the eyes.

Harry's darkness glittered again.

Riddle was not a feral cat though, he was a starved and savage panther. Even without a wand in his grip, he was still an accomplished wizard. Dumbledore however, was better. Riddle roared and his wand acted as though independent of its master, and the entire room burst into flame. Screams of panic rose, as witches and wizards from both sides threw themselves to the ground. Dumbledore pointed his wand at the Black Lake past the courtyard and its water swelled upwards, spilled forwards and it rolled and grew into a huge tidal wave that crashed into the Great Hall and flooded it. Harry stood slack-jawed and the Elder Wand hung loosely in his grip.

Riddle took the opportunity to pounce, and he snatched it clean from Harry's hand, and turned back to Dumbledore.

"Now let us see who is the greater wizard", he snarled.

Harry stood with his eyes blank. Hermione and Ron both ran to him on instinct.

"Harry?"

"You okay, mate?" Ron asked, waving his hand in front of Harry's glazed eyes.

Harry did not move. His body was slack but his feet were rigid.

"Harry, what's happening?"

He spoke, but his voice came through jagged and cracked breath that Hermione recognised. It had been her own voice at the First Battle of Hogwarts.

"He took the wand...", Harry said.

"You were distracted, mate. Easy done."

"No... you don't understand" Harry said. "He takes  _everything_. He took my life. He took my parents. He took Sirius..."

Hermione's heart broke for a third and final time. Harry had been through so much tragedy in his short life, and he had faced everything with such courage. But a person can only take so much weight on their shoulders before they collapse.

"He needs to die", Harry said, "the prophecy said-"

"Forget the prophecy", Hermione said gently.

"Yeah, mate. It doesn't mean anything."

Their tender moment was cut short as Voldemort moved again towards Dumbledore. Just as Voldemort became Riddle, Dumbledore became Albus. He was the world's greatest wizard, for sure, but he was old and tired. But Albus had something that Riddle did not. He had friends, he had support, he had unwavering loyalty - he had  _love_.

The Order moved in towards Riddle and shot jinxes and hexes and curses and Riddle, even with the Elder Wand, could not deflect them all. Hermione's eyes shot towards Harry who had pulled himself back together. Except that it seemed as though he had not put the pieces back into the right places, because this Harry, who stood before her, was someone else. He moved towards her with his hand outstretched. He was a shell of a man. He was determined and dangerous and deadly.

"Bellatrix's dagger", he said, with a cold voice.

_How did he know that she had it? She hadn't told anyone that she'd taken it._

She pulled it from where she had stuffed it down her sock and handed it to him as her fingers shook. Her eyes bolted as she watched Harry chase across the room, clutching the dagger in his steady hand and with a furious, deafening, howling war cry, he advanced on Riddle. Hermione's eyes fell on Severus whose gaze was locked on Harry. He and Harry shared a determined look and Severus' narrowed black eyes glittered in the same way that Harry's did as he nodded.

Harry lunged onto Riddle from behind. The shower of spells stopped and a sharp blast of McGonagall's  _Protego_  kept Harry safe from where the spells might fall.

"Do it", Snape said, coldly.

Harry clung to Riddle's back, who tried to shrug him off, but Harry acted too quickly. Holding the dagger high in his hand, he bore his teeth and plunged it to the hilt, into Riddle's throat. Harry jumped back and his legs turned to jelly as he fell. Severus ran to him and Riddle turned to face them both; his eyes were red and hollow. He clutched his throat and then, with a whimper, Tom Riddle collapsed to the ground and so Lord Voldemort was no more.


	26. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearly at the end. Just one chapter left after this one.  
> PS. Smut.

26\. AFTERMATH

"He's seemed so much better these past few days. He's even eating now. He's going to be okay, isn't he?"

"Yes, absolutely", Albus said, "he has been through a great deal; it is bound to take its toll. He is bent... but unbroken."

Hermione shifted with relief, and nodded to Dumbledore. The golden light from the afternoon sun trickled in through the crack in the curtain. The room was the palest blue. Fleur said that it would promote healing, although Hermione wasn't sure how much she believed it. Fleur had opened Shell Cottage to those who were physically fine, but needed a helping hand. She had busied herself in the needs of others, while she grieved for her husband. Her worrying wasn't good for the baby, and so she did all she could to keep her mind off it.

St. Mungo's had taken in the gravely injured; those like Hagrid, Padma Patil and Hestia Jones who needed round the clock care. St. Mungo's was filled to capacity, treating patients in waiting rooms and corridors where necessary. This meant that some of the wounded were left to fend for themselves. Arthur and Molly had opened their doors, and Lavender, Katie and Susan worked tirelessly to care for those who had been prematurely discharged from the hospital. One such patient was Draco Malfoy - who although he, like Bill, had wolfish tendencies, he had not transformed.

It was in the guest bedroom of Shell Cottage that Hermione sat next to the bed where Harry lay. She placed her hand in his, and hoped that he could sense that she was here with him. Severus had given him a Dreamless Sleep potion so that Harry could finally get the rest he needed. Ginny lay in the transfigured armchair beside him with her feet up on Harry's bed and her son curled in her arms, both eyes closed and deep in sleep. There were so many things Hermione wanted to say, but they could wait. Ginny too, needed her sleep.

There was a gentle rapping at the door and Ron entered.

"How's he doing?" he asked in a whisper.

"Sleeping... Only time will tell I suppose. Albus says he'll be fine."

"Good", Ron soothed, "good... I can sit with him for a while if you'd like? Juliette's downstairs with Fleur, so if you need to get off?"

"I could do with nipping in to see Lavender", she conceded.

Ron clapped her on the shoulder.

"Yeah", he said, "get going! I'm sure she's waiting for you."

Hermione got up and tucked her bag under her arm.  
"Hey", she asked, "how's Neville holding up?"

Ron tutted.

"He's doing okay; he's coping anyway. I don't know how. I'd go mental if anything happened to Jules. He might actually be the bravest man I know."

"I'm glad he's okay... I can't even imagine."

"I know", he said. Right, anyway... you should get going! Although, before you do I just need to do something I feel like I haven't done for ages..."

Ron put his arms around Hermione's shoulders and she moved into him, locking her arms around his waist and placing her head gently on his chest. He squeezed her.

"I'm so pleased that you're okay, Hermione", he said, "but don't do too much, alright? You'll drive yourself ragged trying to care for everybody else. Make sure you take time for yourself too. I know what you're like."

Hermione nodded.  
"Thanks, Ron"

"I'll see you soon, yeah?"

"Definitely."

She walked down the stairs and waved goodbye to Fleur and Juliette. She was so glad to be leaving. Of course, she wanted to be there for Harry and Ginny, but they weren't the only ones in need. Ron was right, she had been putting her own needs on the backburner again. This time, however, she would not let it be to her own detriment. Neither she, nor Severus, nor anyone else, would allow her to hurt herself to help others. Not again. But there were so many hurting people, that she couldn't ignore. She struggled to divide her time well enough and so Hermione had hardly a moment to seek comfort where she wanted it most. Of course, she and Severus had seen each other, and she had curled into his bed at Spinners End in the small hours; but he was up again at six completing tasks from his own to-do list. For the most part, they lived as passing ships in the night.

Hermione took the steps, two at a time, through Grimmauld Place. Ever since Molly and Arthur had moved in, it had become a warm and cosy hideaway from the basement to the second floor. The third and fourth floors had been turned into a sort of Hogwarts-style hospital wing. Hermione clutched her side, and leant against a wall to catch her breath. It wasn't as easy to run up five flights of stairs as it used to be. Lavender swung the door open and jumped with fright when she saw Hermione.

"Bloody hell, Mimi, I thought you were..."

"A Death Eater?" Hermione asked, with a sad smile.

Lavender nodded.

She wasn't the only one. Hermione still held her breath when she was alone. She knew that the ones who survived were locked in Azkaban but it brought little comfort. Fear is not rational in that way.

"How's Draco?" Hermione asked.

"Better", Lavender said, with a genuine smile. "He can go home soon."

Hermione popped her head around Draco's curtain and gave him a cautious wave. She still wasn't his biggest fan, but he had been through as much as any of them, and so he deserved her empathy and support. Draco waved back and pulled his sheets over his knees. Hermione handed Lavender the bag she was holding.

"Right", Hermione said. "There are three of the Hiccoughing Solutions you asked for, and five of the Lung Clearing Potions... then there's eight of each of your regulars and just a couple of other recipes I've been playing around with."

"You're an angel!" Lavender said, and put the bag on the counter by the sink. "Come on now, I'm due for a break and I'm starving. Did you bring anything to eat?"

"Of course."

"Like I said... you're a damn angel!"

Lavender kicked off her shoes and placed them neatly next to another two pairs on the landing. She stood at the top of the stairs and tapped her foot in mock irritation. Katie and Susan bounded up the stairs, hand in hand and then, spotting Lavender, they broke apart.

"Oh Gods. We're late" Katie said.

"Sorry... We... err... got sidetracked" Susan sniggered.

"Well at least some of us are having fun", Lavender smiled. "Can you check on Mr. Lovie, I think he'll need a new potion. They're in Mimi's bag; it's on the side."

"Will do. Are you sticking about, Granger?" Susan asked.

"I can't stay too long... I need to check in on Luna, then I have a meeting with McGonagall and after that, I promised I'd pop round to see Remus, Tonks and Teddy."

"Gods when do you sleep?"

Hermione pulled a face.

"Err..."

"Do us a favour, Granger?" Susan said. "After all of that... go home. Nurse's orders!"

"Yes, Bones!" Hermione said, "I promise I will."

Minerva McGonagall sat on the red chaise longue opposite Hermione and poured a cup of tea. She took off her hat, let down her hair and placed the hat to her side. She shook her head so her beautiful silver hair fell to her shoulders. She leant back on the chaise and sighed. Hermione summoned the cup of tea and tucked her feet up under her.

"Although I have asked you here in a professional capacity, I will not forget that we are friends, so I hope that you will excuse me if I just collapse here. I'm so tired". Minerva said. "It's been one hell of a week."

"Hasn't it just?" Hermione replied. "And of course, collapse away!"

McGonagall sagged, held her cup of tea in both hands and kicked her feet up on the table.

It was such a strange and wonderful sight to see McGonagall let loose. Even in their years of friendship, Minerva had always been rather tightly wound. It seemed that the new world order rendered her formality an unnecessary unpleasantry.

Hermione sipped at her cuppa.

"Hermione... would you still want to come back to teach at Hogwarts? I know that Albus nudged you, rather forcefully, into the position, so I wondered if you wanted to keep it... once the school is up and running again, of course."

"I think I would stay, although I don't know if Dumbledore would still want me in the position. We have had our... differences..."

"Blast Albus and your differences! Who doesn't have their differences with him?! He's infuriating! He is also, wise and kind and incredibly tolerant. He has already told me that he would like you to become Potions Mistress. Not that it matters what he wants... he plans to step down. As of September, he will no longer be the Head of Hogwarts... I will."

"Good", Hermione said, "I can't think of anyone who would do the job justice."

Minerva puffed up her chest a little, before settling back into the chaise.

"Thank you. I appreciate your vote of confidence. Can I expect you to agree then? You will come back to Hogwarts?"

"I'd have to speak to Severus first, but yes, I think you can."

"There's no way that Severus will stay on as Defense teacher, is there? I shouldn't even bother asking him?"

"It would be a waste of breath, I fear, yes", Hermione said.

"I've already been turned down by Remus. I don't know who would take it..."

"Have you considered Harry? He was a wonderful teacher when we were in the DA. He'd hardly need a day of training, since he's already an accomplished wizard."

"How is Harry?" Minerva asked darkly.

"He's getting better every day."

"And Luna?"

"Coping. She and Neville are looking after each other."

"Oh Gods, Nevile. How is he? He is far too young to lose his wife. When I lost my Elphinstone, I was... well, that's neither here nor there... Will you send him my love?"

"Of course I will."

Hermione flooed into Spinner's End just past midnight and a dischord on the piano in Severus' front room, told her that he was home, awake, and she had disturbed him. He stood up and moved towards her, sweeping her into his arms. He held her like that for a moment, then sat her down on the sofa and summoned two cups of tea from the kitchen. Hermione stirred it mindlessly as they sat together in comfortable silence.

"I missed you today", he said finally. "How are you?"

"I think I'm doing okay."

His eyes searched her face and she wondered what he was looking for. Perhaps for the trace of a lie. He would not find one. She was doing okay. The second battle had been kinder to her than the first. Or rather, she had been better prepared for its cruelty. If something is strongest in the places it was once broken, Hermione was all strength. She knew that she was resilient; she had rebuilt herself, after all. She knew that she would survive this time because she had done so once before.

Hermione placed her hand on his thigh and her head on his shoulder. A question she longed to ask danced on her tongue, but she kept her mouth closed so that it could not escape her. What now? The war was won; the fire that forged their relationship was extinguished. What would they be now that the sun began to rise?

Severus lifted her chin and kissed her, as if to say that is what now.

She placed her hand on the side of his neck and ran her fingers through the ends of his hair. God, she wanted to be near him. She recalled how she had felt the first time that she wanted to be near to him. I want to be with you. I want to take your hardship and share the weight with you. I thought that we could take each other's pain, and just for a moment quash it under the weight of us. I thought it might ease some of this misery and hurt.

It was still true, but now they shared the same sadness.

Hermione felt her hands run down his chest before she was even conscious of the motion. She kissed him again, and she unfastened the buttons at his throat. He looked at her with a reciprocal ferocity, but he brought his hand down on hers, and moved her away.

"Not yet", he said. "I have to... know something first."

Hermione noted the uncertainty in his voice. She supposed that he too would have questions. She had not expected them to echo her own.

"Where do we go from here? I mean, after we pull our clothes back on... what do we do? We have been together all this time in the knowledge that our next moves were decided for us. We're on our own now. I will not be pulled away in the middle of the night - we will not be forced to put our lives at risk. We are free to make our own choices so... what do you choose, Hermione? What do you want to do?"

"I don't know", Hermione said, honestly.

Hermione had never really had the freedom to make her own decisions before, not really. Ever since the tender age of twelve, Hermione had fought alongside Harry. Even when she had been in charge of herself, all of her decisions had ultimately rested on one thing - how do I stay alive?

Now she got to live?

Severus cleared his throat and Hermione pulled herself away from her thoughts, and back to the present. His eyes were like glass and she felt a tug at her heart that she didn't quite understand.

"Do you still... choose me?" he asked.

The tug came again. Her subconscious had seen his fear before she had acknowledged it.

"Yes, Severus, of course I choose you. Every decision I have ever made, I have made in fear. Except for you. You are the decision I make freely every day. I will always choose you."

Severus let out a heavy breath of relief. She wondered how long he had held it.

"And I, you", he said. "Hermione, if I can be honest with you... I feel as though the world has burst wide open and I am not ready for it."

"Nor I. The only place I want to be is here with you, it is all I can manage right now. I feel as though I need to figure out where I fit into the world again. I suppose we all do. Nothing will be as it was before, will it?"

"No, I reckon not. Hermione, tell me, what do you want from your life? If you tell me what it is that you want, we can begin to work towards it from now on."

"I can't make any decisions right now, I'm sorry. What do you want, Severus?"

Snape chewed the inside of his lip while he thought.  
"I would like to resign my post at Hogwarts", he said, "would that be okay? I have money... I would still support us..."

"You may not have to. Minerva and Dumbledore have offered me Slughorn's position for when the school is up and running again... he plans to step down and retire you know, Dumbledore."

"I suspected that he would... do you want to take Slughorn's position?"

"Yes, very much."

"There. You have made a decision."

"I guess I have. I would also like to live with you, Severus, if that is something you would be amenable to? Not that I have anywhere else to live, since Hogwarts is in disrepair, but I would like for us to live together if-"

Severus smiled patiently and Hermione trailed off.

"I believe I have made my intentions towards you quite clear. I am in love with you. Wherever you are, I want to be."

Severus placed his warm hand on Hermione's cheek and she breathed out a mewl of satisfaction as he kissed her. She closed her eyes as a rush of contentment moved over her, and soon the contentment became a crescendo of euphoria. They still had decisions to make, but decisions could wait. Their kiss could not. Hermione made her advance, moving her body so that she sat on top of him, her legs either side of his hips. He held her at her waist; her hair cascaded down her shoulders. He pushed a handful back and began to cover her throat, her neck and her shoulders with urgent kisses. Hermione ran her fingers down the buttons of his shirt and unfastened each with trembling fingers. They had done this many times before, but there was such potential in this meeting of two souls, and the expectation and apprehension was palpable. She could hold it in her fingers; instead she took a gentle fistful of his hair as she returned his kisses, grazing his jaw with her lips and his lips with her tongue. She drew her hands across the plains of his chest, slipped her hands beneath his shirt and helped him shed his layers, like a snake in new skin.

Severus pulled at her dress in kind, and tore it over her head. He ran his hands up her spine, nestled on the clasp of her bra and pulled it apart. He clutched it in his hands, as his eyes fell to her body and filled with rapacious longing. He brought his gaze back up to her face.

"God, will I ever stop being dumbfounded by how beautiful you are?"

Hermione smiled, but Severus' hands met her breasts and her lips parted to complete the curve of her smile into a popped circle of pleasure. He brought his mouth to her chest and as his lips wrapped around her nipple and she brought her body into him, she felt his erection swell between her legs. She pushed herself down onto him, and rocked. He gathered her body in his hands and moved with her. Hermione leant back, supported in Severus' strong arms and snatched her wand from the coffee table. With a graceful flick of her wrist, Severus' clothes tore from his body leaving him exposed and bare in front of her. The act disarmed him.

"Well, that's not fair", he said with a breath into her ear that shocked all of her nerve endings with pulses of electricity.

"I know", she said, as she reached her hand between them and stroked a finger along the inside of his thigh.

He shifted his back into the sofa and the action pushed his erection closer to her centre. She stood up then, and he followed her pull and moved towards her, sliding his fingers between her skin and knickers and tugged them down. He pulled her towards him and kissed her hipbones, then her thighs and ultimately her mound. He sought her heat with his mouth and when he found it he made a gentle groan that fluttered right to her core and she let out a stuttered cry of, "Fuck! Yes!"

The way in which he moved his lips and flicked his tongue was miraculous. That was the only word for it. He performed miracles inside her. She wanted to kneel at his alter; she wanted to praise him. On her tongue was a song of devotion, and he quickened his pace to make her sing again. She marvelled at his touch as his long fingers moved upwards, and his fingertips brushed the undercurve of her breasts. If he did not stop then she would surely come apart. Severus knew it too. He drew his lips away from her and grinned as he spoke.

"Yes, my love. Come for me."

"Come with me!" Hermione rasped.

He wrapped his hands around his cock and began to work himself as Hermione moved so that she could envelop him. He rubbed his tip against her bud, and flicked upwards. A dirty smile spread across his face as she twitched and with a long groan he slowly pushed his way into her entry.

"Fuck, I always forget how good you feel", Hermione said as he filled her.

Hermione pushed him back to a relaxed and submissive state and she began to drive her hips, picking up the pace and increasing his pressure as she rode him. He held her at her waist and she pressed his body down at the shoulders. She felt an unrivalled power as she watched Severus' gaze drop to her breasts as they hitched up and dropped in hypnotic repetition. He ran his tongue across his lips and brought his teeth together on the lower. His eyebrows drew together and Hermione felt her orgasm threaten as she watched that glorious little line appear in the centre of his brow.

She felt his energy increase and knew that he was close. She was grateful because she felt that riptide coursing its way from her aching core.

"Severus", she said, and her breath hitched, "I'm so close..."

He lifted her then, and drove into her over and over and Hermione arched her back and let out a wild scream as she reached her height and came with unapologetic zeal. Her legs quivered and her body shuddered and she felt her heat contract around him.

"Oh God!"

His eyes rolled back in his head as he continued to pound himself into her flesh. In the past, this was the time she would let him invade her thoughts so he could see for himself what he was doing for her. She fought the urge to show him. Instead, she told him.

"You're incredible. God, I love you so much."

"I love you" he uttered in a cracked voice.

Hermione felt a rush of emotion and a single happy tear pricked her eye.

"I love you", he said, punctuating his thrusts, "I love you, I love you."

She watched him- his beautiful eyes closed tight and he threw his head back into the sofa cushion. His long, jet hair crashed against the brown leather; his skin was its usual pale white, but his cheeks flushed pink and his forehead was dewy. She took in the picture of this man - this unconventional and handsome man who loved her, who filled her - it was all she could do not to come again. As he built his pressure, Hermione dropped her hand to her bud and fluttered her fingers, begging the riptide to crash into her again. Severus' eyes shot open and flew wider still when he realised what she was doing. He rolled his head to the side and breathed a careless 'fucking hell' into his shoulder.

He growled as he moved into her, clutching his fingers to her skin, drawing her tighter with each one as though he couldn't bring her close enough to him. His mouth fell agape and the line between his brows furrowed deeper and as he tightened his grip on her hips, he fell out of rhythm, missing a thrust. The accidental change of pace brought Hermione to the edge and as he jutted his hips and let out a low howl of release, she too crested in glorious agony and fell into his chest.

He wrapped his arms around her, placing one hand on the small of her back and the other on the nape of her neck and clung tightly. The heaving of his chest moved Hermione and she could feel the hammering of his heart; an echo of her own.

"I wish I could do that..." he breathed "every hour of every day of my life".

"You don't think you'd get tired?"

He raised an eyebrow.

"Are you about to call me an old man again? I'm not sure I cared for it."

"Well... if the glove fits?"

Severus opened his mouth in mock offence.

"How dare you! 'Old man', pah! I could go all night. Call me old again and I will take you for a second round."

Hermione brought his lips together and kissed him.

"Have you considered that maybe I would like that, old man?"

His eyes flickered devilishly and Hermione bit her lower lip. Severus surrendered to a maddening grin.

"Oh God, you're extraordinary, do you know that?"

Severus swept her into his arms and ran his fingers through her hair.

He stopped then, and looked at her- the smile on his face changed to look of thoughtfulness.

"I want you to marry me", he said, with a stillness that took her aback.

"Severus?"

"Marry me."

Hermione sat up straight and Severus stroked her cheek.

"That's what I want", he said. "I want to be a family. Our world is chaos right now, Hermione, I understand that. But when the dust settles and we have found our footing, I will ask you again... properly."

"It's too soon, isn't it?"

"Perhaps. And I understand your reservation. That is why I do not ask you now. I am only stating what I want. Even so, I cannot pretend that I personally feel that it is too soon. I love you and I feel as though I always have. I know that there must have been a time that I didn't feel as I do, but I cannot remember it. I wonder if that is because I did not start living until I loved you. When I look to my past, all I see is you. The future is all you too. Everything I have in my life right now is because of you. I do not want to live another second without you. But if it is too soon for you, I understand completely. As long as you love me, I am at peace."

"Ask me again, Severus."

"What was that?"

"Ask me again."


	27. Decades Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter. SADFACE.

**27\. DECADE PAST**

_10 Years Later_

Hermione walked through the hallowed halls of the castle that had been her sanctuary for eighteen years. Hogwarts was home, even now. Ten years had passed since the Second Battle of Hogwarts, as it had come to be known, and the return of so many familiar faces to its fortification meant that it was time for a celebration.

Hermione entered the Great Hall, and gazed at the enchanted ceiling. The stars were brilliant white against its cobalt backdrop. Glitter fluttered in the air and caught the light from the hundreds of candles. The walls were adorned with white and gold drapery and golden streaming fabric hung and billowed across wooden beams. The hall had never looked so beautiful. Hermione straightened a crease in her dress - a deep emerald green, floor length, modified a-line, with a halter neck and subtle silver beading. Every time she caught a glimpse of herself in a mirrored surface, she had to take a second look. She hardly recognised herself. It was nice to have an excuse to dress up. She had become something of a homebody in the last few years, but with a home as beautiful as hers, why would anyone want to leave.

The room was filled with her friends and loved ones. Such is the blessing of such a small community. A string quartet played classical suites and Hermione felt herself begin to move to the music. Severus moved in beside her and placed his free arm around her waist.

"God there's a lot of kids here. Is it too late to go home?"

"Why wouldn't people bring their children? We brought ours."

"Yes", he said, "but I like  _our_ children."

In his other arm, Severus held their daughter. Her black hair sat in perfect but asymmetrical ringlets, fixed in place with a little white flower.

"Speaking of our children... Where's Wilfred?"

"With Dean and his boy", he said and jutted his chin towards where their four-year-old son held a play wand in pretend combat with little Zeke Thomas.

"I wonder where Lavender is... oh never mind."

Lavender was a vision in a pearl dress, just at the side of the room by the bar. She stood beside Dean, and their two sons who looked slightly overwhelmed by all of the people. She supposed that Hogwarts  _was_  overwhelming when you first arrived. Lavender spotted Hermione and greeted her with a hurtling hug of welcome. It had only been a couple of days since they had last seen each other, but Lavender always greeted her in the same way - as though it had been a lifetime.

"You look wonderful!" Lavender said. "Severus, nice to see you. It looks so good in here, doesn't it? I think it should look like this all the time."

"You don't think it may be a little much, Lavender?" Hermione asked.

"Maybe a smidge! Do you think I could persuade Minerva to put all this stuff in the hospital wing when we're done? It'd brighten up the place."

Severus gave a throaty chuckle.  
"Maybe if Dumbledore was still in charge, but you've got no chance with Minerva. You know she's..."

"You know she's what?"

McGonagall tapped Severus on the shoulder from behind. He turned and gave her a pleased grin.

"... Sensible."

"You're damn right I am."

She wore scarlet robes for the occasion and wore them well.

"Minerva", he said and kissed her on the cheek. "You look nice."

McGonagall raised her eyebrows.  
"Don't sound so surprised, Severus. I thought I should make an effort. I see you have too."

"I, however, was  _forced_ to make an effort."

"Forced to attend as well, no doubt. Now if you'll excuse me, everyone, I should go and greet some more guests. Make no mistake; I would rather be here with you all. Hopefully, I will catch you again before the night is out."

"Are you still able to make it for dinner tomorrow, Min?" Hermione asked.

"Wouldn't miss it", McGonagall said with a smile. "Severus, you don't fancy making the rounds with me, do you? I'm already quite bored with small talk."

"If I must?"

"I won't insist. I will, however, hold it against you."

"Of course. Hermione, will you be okay if I leave you with Lavender for a while?"

"I'm sure I'll manage... will you keep Effie with you and I'll keep an eye on Wilf?"

Snape nodded and gave Hermione a kiss that she hoped would last forever. Even ten years later, she still marvelled at his kisses.

Hermione and Lavender walked the room and greeted their lifelong friends. Life had moved so fast and the world had moved on quickly from the pain of the last battle. Still, nobody ever forgot - the agony had faded to a dull ache but it still hurt from time to time - like a long-healed broken bone that throbbed in cold wind. That was what this night was for, to remember those who had lost their lives, and to celebrate their victory.

Molly and Arthur were surrounded, or rather swarmed by, their grandchildren - all nine of them. Hermione laughed as she and Lavender moved to greet them with a kiss on both of Molly's cheeks and a warm hug with Arthur. She had been all but adopted by the Weasleys in lieu of her own parents who had chosen to stay in Australia. They were happy there and they so deserved to be happy. She still saw them from time to time, and they spoke on the telephone once a week.

Ron's son was obvious immediately - he was the spitting image of his father when Hermione had first met him. He ran rings around his cousins; laughing and carrying on. Percy and his wife Audrey sipped champagne at a large round table covered with a crisp white tablecloth. Their two daughters sat politely at their side, a mirror of their father's earnest solemnity. Beside Percy sat Fleur and her new husband Jean-Luc; together they raised Victoire, and had two sons of their own - Raphael and Etienne - both handsome blonde boys who bore a striking resemblance to their mother but with a more masculine beauty. George and Angelina sat close and spoke in whispers; their daughter Roxanne would be in Hermione's class in a couple of years and she dreaded the moment she walked through those doors. Roxanne had inherited her father's love of mischief and her mother's nerve. Now she was a teacher herself, Hermione realised just how much of an irritation she, Harry and Ron, must have been when they were children.

Hermione caught sight of Neville stood by one of the many tables filled with party food. He held his tiny daughter in his arms and Luna cooed down at the baby, named Pandora, for Luna's mother. They were an odd couple she thought, but Hermione knew that the best relationships were forged in fire. Neville and Luna had understood each other on a level that nobody else would ever understand and they were, admittedly, very sweet together. Ron and Juliette were beside them. Ron was eyeing up a plate of chicken drumsticks, and when he eventually caught Hermione's eye he beckoned her over. Lavender understood this as her cue to leave - she had never quite forgiven him for their break up.

"I'll catch you in a bit", Lavender said and sauntered into the crowd.

Hermione greeted Juliette with a kiss on her rouged cheek and gave Ron a long and overdue hug. Life was hectic as an auror, and so he hardly had time to stop by. That suited her well, however, because she was just as busy at the school now that exam season was approaching.

Ron ran his hand through his hair mindlessly, while he sipped on a pint of ale. This Ron was much more self-assured. She assumed that stepping out from Harry's shadow had done him good, and being a dark wizard catcher couldn't have hurt either. Having gotten to know Juliette too, Hermione had realised that she was good for him. They were a lovely little family that Hermione felt blessed to know. It seemed a lifetime ago that she and Ron had been a couple. The world had ended since then and in this new world, that was a distant memory

"Are Harry and Ginny here yet?" Hermione asked and Ron shook his head.

"He's pretty much the guest of honour, isn't he, since he was the one to kill  _You Know Who_ ", Ron said, tucking a strand of his long hair aside, revealing Bill's fang earring, hanging in his lobe. "He's probably off hiding somewhere. Sick of the spotlight, isn't he?"

Hagrid and Kingsley sat at the table nearest them and Hermione waved at them both. Hermione didn't see much of Kingsley since she avoided the ministry as best she could, but she still managed to find time to see Hagrid. They bumped into each other often at Hogwarts - he was hard to miss, after all - and she and Harry would visit on Thursdays after his Care of Magical Creatures class finished, for a cup of a tea and a catch-up. It was like old times, except these were newer, better times.

Hermione spotted a glint of sparkling gold from the corner of her eye and she settled on the figure of Ginny Potter. All eyes fell on her. If Harry hadn't wanted to draw attention to himself, he probably shouldn't have attended with the most beautiful witch in the room. Harry adjusted his glasses and gently pushed James and Lily into the room, pointing out their cousins. They bounded off but Albus Potter stayed by his mother. He wasn't as sure as the other Potter children, but e was just as free-spirited, and the kindest of them all.

Behind Harry and Ginny were Remus and Tonks. Tonks wore a tea-length, fitted blush pink dress that flared at the bottom; her mint green hair complemented it. Remus stood beside her in a navy suit and dark waistcoat. Little Teddy, who was not so little any more at fifteen, wore a yellow blazer and green tartan trousers. He was so much his mother in the way that he expressed himself, but his gentle soul was all Remus. Teddy raised a hand and waved, and Hermione smiled to see that his excited greeting was for her husband. Severus broke away from Minerva with an apologetic nod and threw an arm around Teddy shoulder. They had a strange bond, but it was solid. Snape put his hand on Tonks' waist and kissed her cheek, and then shook hands with Remus. Severus closed his hand around the shake in the way that he did with only his friends.

Hermione left Ron deep in conversation with Neville and made to greet Tonks. She was intercepted by Katie and Susan, however, and Hermione was grateful for it. She saw Remus and Tonks all the time nowadays, but Susan and Katie had since moved to Canada to be near Katie's family. She hugged them both tightly and then looked down at the little girl in a navy and white dress, between them. Her brown hair was plaited elaborately, and fixed with white ribbon. Hermione knew it wasn't possible, but the little girl looked like the perfect combination of both of her mothers. Hermione greeted the little girl warmly.

"Hello there."

"Granger, this is Alma", Susan said.

"Hi, Alma. It's nice to meet you. I'm Hermione."

The little girl gave a cheeky smile.

"That's a silly name."

Susan burst into a song of laughter and Katie grinned apologetically.

"Isn't it just", Hermione said.

As the evening wore on, Hermione found her way back to Severus. She dropped her arms into his charcoal suit jacket, and stroked his back through the soft fabric of his shirt. She dropped her hand to his waist.

She missed him. They had been apart for two hours at most, and she  _missed_  him. Even after all these years she still wanted to spend all of her time with him. Even when he was surly - even when he groaned and griped - she wanted to be with him.

Severus spoke with Harry, who was as loathed to be present as Snape was. They had found common ground in the years since the second battle. Ever since Harry had started work at Hogwarts as the Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher. Both Severus and Remus helped to create his syllabus. Harry had enjoyed the security of the castle, and Severus too had spent most of his time there in his old quarters, which now belonged to the Potions Mistress, who happened to be his wife. The wizarding world was still obsessed with  _The Boy Who Lived_  even now. They were also quite interested in the Death Eater turned spy, Severus Snape. Harry and Severus shared their disdain for their celebrity and Hermione enjoyed the gentle irony of it all. Ginny held Effie in her arms, and she was a perfect contrast to Ginny's golden hues, with her black hair and silver party dress. Severus' choice, of course. He doted on her, after all.

Hermione glanced over at Wilfred, who played happily with the Weasley children. It filled her with warm nostalgia to see their relationships blossom, just as hers had with Harry, Ginny and Ron. Severus' head drifted to the right and he nodded at a burgundy figure from across the room. The figure drew nearer and clapped his hand to Harry's back. Albus Dumbledore was even more of a caricature now that he had retired. He collected sweet wrappers, which he displayed on his walls, he spent most of his time in muggle libraries and had even started a band with old friends and colleagues. He was also very funny, and quite sweet at times, Hermione had learned. Now that he was no longer under pressure, she got to know the real Albus and had found that she actually rather liked him.

The room bustled with excitement as the string quartet moved aside and were swiftly replaced by a band that Hermione did not recognise, but from the reaction of the crowd she figured that she should. The dance floor filled as the band began to play. Neville, Luna, Remus and Tonks were among the first on the floor. There was such joy in the room, and Hermione felt warm as she watched Susan and Katie, then Lavender and Dean join the crowd. Arthur pulled Molly forward to dance, and Ginny dragged Harry, who rolled his eyes at Severus and then put on his falsest smile.

Severus looked at Hermione with a face that said  _don't get any ideas_. Draco Malfoy aimed a similar look at his new wife, Astoria. She was a pretty, dark-haired witch with dramatic eyebrows that she furrowed at Draco. Severus caught sight of the display and laughed.

"Shall we join them?" Severus asked.

Hermione nodded and moved towards the table where Draco sat with his wife, and his father perched on a seat on the other side of him. Lucius looked around the room with a sullen face. Severus had taken Lucius under his wing ever since Narcissa had died. He's had a string of failed relationships but none that stuck. Lucius was lonely, she knew, and his wife's death had softened him. She had grown to care for the old Death Eater, much to everyone's surprise. None more so than Lucius. His eyes lit up when he saw Hermione, and he stood to his feet to hold out her chair for her. He was a traditionalist - a gentleman - she supposed. Hermione thanked him and took her seat. Severus sat beside Hermione and they both listened intently as Lucius spoke of his recent encounter with an old friend from school, and Draco told of his experience as an Auror. Hermione still found it funny that Ron and Draco worked together. It was funnier still that Remus Lupin, a bloody werewolf, was their superior. Things really had changed in the last ten years, but nothing more so than attitudes.

As the ball wound down, the band began to play a slow song. Hermione looked at the dance floor with a longing gaze and then back at Severus with a pouted lip. He rolled his eyes.

"I remember when you used to look at me like that", Severus said with a smile that told her that he was not serious.

"If you dance with me, I'll look at you like that when the kids are asleep."

"Remus, would you look after Effie?" he asked, and handed his child to her godfather who squeezed her tightly and kissed her forehead. "Hermione deserves at least one dance. Let us just hope it's a short song."

Severus grinned at her and held his hand out for her to take and she obliged excitedly.

"Come on then, love", he said with a hand on the small of her back.

Hermione followed Severus to the dance floor and he drew her close to him as they swayed to the music. He wasn't much of a dancer and so his feet seldom left the floor, but still he was there and he was willing to humour her, even if he was horribly uncomfortable, as she expected. That was one of the many reasons why she loved him so much. Even though he did not enjoy all that much in life, especially activities that required leaving the house, he always plastered a smile on his face, no matter how obviously fake, and did his best to enjoy himself.

Wilfred tugged on Severus' coat tails and he breathed a sigh of relief at the interruption.

"Dad! Can I stay at Zeke's tonight?"

"I don't know... Have you asked Mr and Mrs Thomas?"

Wilfred nodded wildly. Hermione caught Lavender as the song ended and she and Dean broke apart from their slow dance.  
"Hey... Wilf said something about a sleepover?"

"Yeah, if he wants to stay, he's more than welcome."

Wilfred tugged at his mother now.

"I do want! I really want" Wilfred demanded.

"If you're sure?"

"Of course", Lavender said, ruffling Wilf's wild, black curls "We could even take Effie off your hands for the night if you wanted some time to yourselves?"

"Oh God, yes!" Severus blurted.

The rest of the evening whirred by in a blur. Hermione said goodbye to her friends and family with hugs and kisses and warm wishes. They would all see each other soon, but Hermione knew all too well that you can never know which goodbye will be your last. She and Severus never went to bed on an argument for the same reason. She never held a grudge and if she had an issue with someone she would be sure to speak up and rectify the problem with minimal damage as quickly as possible. That was just one of the many ways that life, and Hermione, were different now.

As Hermione and Severus returned to their cottage, they lingered in the doorway for a kiss. Severus swept into the lounge and Hermione followed.

"Finally", he said with a kiss on the nape of her neck as he unzipped her dress. "We're alone and we have a whole night with no children... you know what that means?"

Severus pulled his shirt over his head and unbuckled his trousers. Hermione stepped out of her dress and then they both turned and crashed onto the sofa with heavy sighs. Severus kicked up his feet onto the velvet stool and Hermione lay on her back with her head propped against Severus' lap and dropped her feet over the armrest. She pulled her wand from her purse and summoned a book from the bookcase. Severus did the same.

"I've been meaning to finish this for the longest time", Severus said with a glint in his eyes.

"I know. I've read chapter six about five times already. Not a single word has taken root. I couldn't tell you what happens. Every time I sit down to read it, one of the kids comes running in. I might finally figure out what's happening."

"Then I hope you finally get to enjoy it, love."

"Oh God", Hermione said, dropping the book to her lap. "Our first night alone in weeks and our big plans involve a couple of cups of coffee and a book each. Are we horribly boring, Severus?"

"Yes, I suppose we are. Isn't it wonderful?"

Severus licked his finger and turned the page.  
"You always said you wanted a normal relationship... I think this is about as normal as it gets."

"Oh, you're right", she said, "I don't think anyone else in the world is as content with 'normal' as I am. I'm... I'm really happy, Severus. I hope you are too. I know we don't have the most exciting life..."

Snape wrapped his arm around Hermione's chest, and ran his thumb across her collarbone.

"Hermione, you have given me love and friendship and a place I can truly consider my home. My apothecary is only doing so well because of your help and wisdom and inexplicable business acumen. You have given me my two extraordinary children- you have given me a family. Of course I am happy."

He closed his book on his finger, marking his place.

"I'll tell you what", he said. "I'll read my book, and you read yours like the boring couple we are, in the normal relationship we have. And then, when we're finished, I will take you upstairs, and I will show you, in the _least boring_  of ways, just how happy you make me. What do you think?"

Hermione rested her chin on Severus' arm.  
"I could be amenable..."

With a flit of her wand, two large mugs of coffee floated in from the kitchen and she and Severus each caught one.

"Drink it down, love", she said. "You won't be sleeping much tonight..."

Snape turned his book to study the spine.

"You're right, it _is_  a rather long book."

"Oh hush, you", she laughed.

Hermione leaned back into her husband, who played with her hair between his thumb and forefinger as he read his book. Hermione opened hers, breathed in the smell of the pages, and sank into the glorious warmth of being boring and normal; safe and whole... and finally, remarkably _happy_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it. Thank you so much to everyone who has read, left kudos and commented. You're all wonderful.
> 
> If you liked this one then I'll be posting another one soon, so keep an eye out for that, if you're so inclined. If you didn't like it, then I really don't know why you made it this far but I'm impressed by your commitment. I once read what I knew after two chapters would be the WORST BOOK OF ALL TIME, right to the end, simply out of spite, so I get you.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for putting up with me for the last few weeks. I've had a lot of fun!


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